a/n : read this as though you've only watched the first episode. because that's when i wrote it.

~~ Ep 01 ~~

Madoka woke from a strange dream.

Guhhh...what was that all about... she thought.

She sat up and sleepily looked about her room, trying to get her early-morning bearings. She also scratched herself just below her still-developing chest. Did you just imagine a slight jiggle? Good.

At least it wasn't another dream with Totoros everywhere...and all of them licking me in weird places. Brrr. She involuntarily gave a shudder.

Getting out of bed, Madoka shuffled across her floor, not ready to greet the day. She slowly made her way to her door.

And what was that white kitty-thing supposed to be? she continued in her thoughts. It kinda looked like a Pokemon...or maybe a weird knockoff of one...

She opened her door to see Kyuubey standing in the hallway right outside her room, smiling up at her.

"I'm not a weird knockoff," Kyuubey said brightly.

Madoka could have cried out. Madoka could have stumbled backward and cowered in fear and confusion. Madoka, however, was unaware that she was still dreaming. In her current dream state, the fact that Kyuubey had jumped from her previous dream to her present reality suddenly seemed perfectly natural to her.

Madoka casually regarded the little white critter, without the least bit of surprise. "Oh. Then...do you like to play with yarn?"

"So how 'bout that magical girl contract?" Kyuubey said. "You never gave me an answer one way or the other."

"Eh? Um...but..." Madoka looked down, uncertain. After some annoyingly girlish fidgeting and hesitation, she finally answered. "I...I don't know if it's okay for me to enter a contract with you. Because your fur is white."

Her dream-like logic at that moment also seemed perfectly natural to her. Seemed.

The white critter closed its eyes and focused. Its coat suddenly sprang into violent color. Kyuubey was now shaded six kinds of high-def rainbow.

"There. How's that?"

Madoka's head spun from the sudden assault of rainbow vomit hitting her eyes. She had to look away.

"I gotta get ready for school," she said, trying to brush her way past technicolor Kyuubey. Yet just then, the mysterious dark-haired girl from her earlier dream stepped into the hallway, seemingly from nowhere. She stopped Madoka with an outstretched palm.

"There's no school today, remember?" she said in a monotone to Madoka. "Today is Kick A Cute Familiar Day."

This holiday also seemed perfectly natural to Madoka.

"Oh yeah, that's right!" she said, brightening at the prospect of a day off from school. Meanwhile, the dark-haired girl had pulled out a soprano recorder and began playing Ode To Joy.

"Yay, no school!" Madoka continued. "What will I do today? Oh!" A thought struck her. She looked back down at Kyuubey, whose coat was now a shade of pink exactly matching Madoka's hair color.

"Happy Kick A Cute Familiar Day!" she cried happily, right before kicking Kyuubey dead in the face.

Kyuubey sprang back up immediately and thwacked her right back with a bushy-tailed bitchslap. Madoka flew spinning through her room. Her body slammed into a wall—

◕ ‿‿ ◕

—Madoka woke, having fallen out of bed and hit the floor.

"Itta-ta-taaa..." she whimpered, checking her cheekbone where her face felt like it had hit the hardest. Two weird dreams in one morning. Terrible start to a schoolday, she pouted to herself.

Suddenly, a cell phone in the room rang. Madoka recognized the ringtone as that of an actual call, not just a text.

"Eh? Who'd be calling me this early in the morning?" She painfully got to her feet, and saw that the mysterious, dark-haired girl from earlier was now lying asleep in her bed. From the look of the girl's spread-out pose and outstretched foot, Madoka noted with some irritation that perhaps she hadn't fallen out of bed after all—rather, that she'd been kicked out of it.

The cell kept ringing. Madoka fumbled for it on a nearby chest of drawers, not noticing at first that her room was rather dark for the morning hour. Finding the cell and taking it into her hand, she observed that it was the size, shape, and color of a large, red crab. She torqued one of it's legs to answer the call, wondering who could possibly be on the other line.

"M...Moshi mosh'?"

"That hurt, dammit!" Kyuubey's voice blared through the receiver. "I can't believe you'd actually kick me!"

"But you hit me back! And harder!" Madoka whined. "Wait—wasn't that just a dream?"

"So come on, already! Magical girl contract? Yes? No? Jeez! Why are the Japanese so non-committal⁉"

"D-Don't I get any time to think about it?" Madoka nervously objected, her fingers going to her mouth. "And aren't you Japanese, too?"

Madoka became aware of how exceedingly light the crab-cell felt in her hand, despite it being vastly oversized. It felt...almost weightless. As she held it to her ear, Madoka herself began to feel light and insubstantial...almost as though she were floating in the midst of her darkened room. She also felt a sudden urge to walk sideways.

"All that destruction and misery can't wait forever for you to change it, you know!" Kyuubey insisted. "Or do I need to bury you in buttloads of shiny office supplies to persuade you⁇"

Without warning, buttloads of shiny office supplies began pouring out of the cell phone, all over Madoka.

"Wah!"

Staplers, scissors, pens, pencils, protractors, compasses, push pins, straight edges, triangles, binder clips, rolls of tape, letter openers, cement tubes, sniffable markers...she fell to the floor under the deluge. Her room began rapidly filling up with the things, as fruitlessly she struggled to fight her way out from under the growing waves of salaryman desk essentials. Meanwhile, the dark-haired girl snoozed away, oblivious.

Nooo...I'm too young to be an office lady... she cried miserably to herself as the last visible fragment of her room was blotted out of her field of vision. She was buried completely, hopelessly, scarcely able to move her limbs any longer as she—

◕ ‿‿ ◕

— suddenly woke up.

"Eh?"

Madoka blinked. Quickly she sat up and checked herself over, checked her cheekbone, checked for the dark-haired girl in her bed, checked her room for office supplies, checked her chest of drawers for the crab-cell, bolted up and checked outside her door for a weird Pokemon knockoff waiting outside.

Nothing. All appeared to be normal now.

Madoka sighed, relieved. Softly she closed her door and leaned against it. That had been the freakiest set of dreams she could ever remember having. She was just glad she was finally awake for real now. Despite having been jolted awake—repeatedly, in a way—she actually felt pretty good at the moment. As a matter of fact, she felt a bit...pleasantly tingly.

On an instinct, Madoka squeezed her butt and thrust her hips forward slightly, to pleasurable effect, as something hard strained against her pajama pants. It felt tight, but good, as a small erogenous wave washed over her body. She'd always been shy about that sort of thing, though...although she knew well what she was already expected to know for her age. Still, as this morning had already been weird enough, she thought she may as well chance a peek at herself 'down there', seeing as it felt rather nice at the moment.

Her attention was arrested when she looked down and saw her pajama pants peaked into a tent below her belly button. She hurriedly flipped open her pajamas and panties. Where her vagina had been, a penis now stood tall with morning wood.

This did not seem natural to her at all.

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Madoka awoke with a piercing scream, scaring her father half to death. Her mother, however, claimed later that morning that she hadn't heard a thing. Madoka wondered how much trouble she'd get into if she tried waking her mother up with a bucket of cold water next time.

Later, on her way to school, Madoka met up with her friends Sayaka and Hitomi, wearing a face like dry, old seaweed. Sayaka was the first to make a snark at her.

"Jeez, Madoka, you look like rheumatism today. Get up on the wrong side of the bed?"

"I had a lotta weird dreams this morning," Madoka mumbled.

Sayaka gave her a knowing smirk. "Was it about boy parts again?"

Madoka's face went into shock. She flushed bright red and couldn't utter a word.

The smirk fell right off Sayaka's face. She had meant it as a joke, but seeing Madoka's reaction...

"No way...it really WAS about boy parts?"

"No! No it wasn't about parts!" Madoka said, covering her face and hurriedly stepping forward.

"This I gotta hear!" Sayaka cried, suddenly grinning eagerly. Swiftly she grabbed Madoka by the midsection from behind and forced her to smile by tickling her. Madoka laughed involuntarily, trying to escape.

"So how big was it⁇" Sayaka teased fiendishly.

"Nooo! Ahahahaha!"

"What didja think when you saw it⁇"

"I didn't—hahahah— dream about— ahahaha!"

"Now, now," Hitomi said calmingly. "We don't want to be late. So let's all run off giggling to school now, shall we?"

So Sayaka put Madoka down and the three girls continued on their way, running off giggling to school. Well, except for Madoka, who already felt giggled out. She just went back to seaweed.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

In class, Madoka watched as Saotome-sensei started homeroom by griping inappropriately about her own personal problems. Madoka listened as her teacher then introduced a new student: Akemi Homura. Madoka freaked in a small, hidden part of herself when she recognized the mysterious, dark-haired girl as the same girl that had kicked her out of bed in her dream.

"No way..."

Sayaka leaned over to Madoka. "Dang, she's hot," she said in a whisper. "I might dump you for her."

Madoka frowned at her. "Since when are we going out?" she hissed back.

The beautiful Homura stood coldly before the class, already winning secret admirers from both the boys and the girls just by standing still and looking evil. She shot Madoka a withering stare. Madoka did indeed wither; at that precise moment, in a moe contest of shy, mewling girls who hemorraged a lack of confidence, she would have out-Yuno'd Yuno.

No sooner had class ended for break than a flock of girls descended upon Homura like vultures, surrounding her and pecking away at her with invasive personal questions.

"Where'd you go to school before?" asked one girl.

"What are your hobbies?" asked another.

"Are you in any clubs?"

"What's your blood type?"

"What kind of shampoo do you use?"

"Have any boyfriends?"

"And do you or your family own any stock in the shampoo manufacturer's company?"

"What are your physical stats? Height, weight, measurements?"

"What's your father's social standing in his field of work?"

"What cram schools did you go to as a kid?"

"Do you like girls?"

"Are there any NEETs in your family?"

"Do you still like doing morning radio exercises?"

"You're not the kind who blows her nose in public, are you?"

"How much umeboshi do you consume on a quarterly basis? And which brands?"

Homura wasn't truly bothered by their pestering, yet they did happen to be in her way for what she needed to do this day. She stood up and made a lousy excuse to leave, all the while inflecting her voice as snarkily as possible:

"Oh, Dear. I Think I Am Go-Ing To Vomit. I Must Go To The Class Health Off-i-cer Right A-Way."

One girl who looked like she had a head full of BBs gave an honest look of concern. "Oh really? Well, our health rep is Kaname-san over— "

Homura shouldered the girl out of her way, shutting her up. Fixedly she strode over to where Madoka sat, glaring at her and her flashy pink twintails every step of the way, her shoes clacking crisply on the floor of the otherwise silent room. Tak. Tak. Tak. Tak.

"Take me to the nurse's office before I throw up all over your desk," she blathered blandly, finally reaching Madoka.

"E-Eehh?" Madoka spluttered.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Ostensibly on their way to the nurse's office, Madoka demonstrated her leadership qualities as Class Health Officer by nervously trailing several paces behind Homura.

"Um...ehehe...y-you seem to know your way around," Madoka prattled quiveringly. "I-It's almost like you've studied a map of the school already, ehehe! Um...did you? Er..." She paused before continuing. "...My mom tells me that I used to read maps when I was little. A-And, um...and I have this Uncle Souji. He works in cartography! Or, um...he used to...I think..." Pause again. "But when I was reading maps, sometimes my mom would say stuff like, 'Oh! She's just like a little Souji!'"

Homura looked glum. And annoyed.

"But then this one time, um...one time when my mom said that, I said, 'Ew! Gross! I'm not some dirty old man!'" Pause. "I said that right in front of him. He kinda got mad. And, um...now he doesn't talk much to us anymore. He used to give me the biggest otoshidama, too...now I don't get nearly so much for New Year's. Last year I only got enough to buy me a couple of CDs and a blouse."

Homura gritted her teeth.

"...A-And an onigiri, too. 'Cuz I was on my way home from shopping and I was a little hungry and, um...and I saw this onigiri brand at a convenience store...and there was a new commercial out for it so I wanted to try it...and blaugh, it had the nastiest piece of salted squid inside that I'd ever tasted in my life. I was burping up squid all night long— "

Homura stopped and rounded on Madoka.

"Would you SHUT...UP⁈" she blasted. "LISTEN to yourself once in a while! God! Your chattering is so annoying‼"

Madoka halted, cringing. "B-But...I didn't know what to talk about..."

"So you tell me your life's story⁇ Learn to filter, dammit!"

Madoka faltered. She looked down at the floor.

Homura jabbed a finger at Madoka. "Lookit— I only dragged you here for one reason, and that was to tell you that if you value your family and your friends, then don't ever change yourself! Got it? Just always be the Kaname Madoka that you are!"

"But I thought you said I was annoying..." she whimpered, sounding like she was about to cry.

"Well...you are...but— you...I...when you don't— " Homura suddenly pulled at her hair. "Nggggh! Look what you're doing to me! My image is supposed to be that of a cool, mysterious archetype, but you're driving me nuts‼"

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Later, after school, glum Madoka sat eating with her friends.

"And so, that's what she said," Madoka finished.

"Hah! So you drive Miss Icy Tits nuts? I always knew you were good for something, Madoka."

"Sometimes you drive me nuts, too, but I forgive you for that, Madoka-san," Hitomi said sweetly.

Madoka felt so fortunate to have such warm, supportive friends around her.

"Thanks," she grumbled cheerlessly.

After a few downcast moments of pouty gazing into the table, Madoka mumbled again. "I thought you thought she was hot," she said to Sayaka.

"I did, but then I talked to her later and you know what she said?" Sayaka cleared her throat and enunciated in her best thickly-accented English: "You're the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human fucking beings! You are nothing but unorganized grabasstic pieces of amphibian shit!"

Silence hit the group like a block of cold tofu on a winter morning. Madoka and Hitomi caught the dirty words, but otherwised were completely perplexed.

"Wha-What does that mean, exactly?" Hitomi said at last.

"I dunno, but it pissed me off."

"How did you even memorize all that?" said Madoka.

The girls finished their meal, then set out to go. As they were getting up, Sayaka leaned over the table to Madoka.

"Hey, wanna go hit the music store?" she asked.

Twenty minutes later, Sayaka and Madoka were busily punching away on the outer glass walls of the music store, while others inside were giving them strange looks.

"This is kinda embarrassing," Madoka commented.

"Yeah. Let's just go inside," Sayaka seconded.

Pa-dap kshh.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Inside the music store, Madoka made a selection that looked interesting, then put on headphones to listen. No sooner had she done so, however, when she heard a high-pitched cry.

"Help me!"

Madoka paused. She wasn't sure she had heard what she thought she heard, so she did nothing at first.

"Help me! Help meee!"

She was sure she heard it that time, but couldn't tell where it was coming from. She took off her headphones and looked around.

"Hellllp!"

With the headphones off, she found it right away: in a spiderweb, in the small crevice behind the monitor above her, a fly was trapped...a fly with a human head. A Yuno-head. Complete with wide face and black Xs. Yuno-fly cried pitiably one last time as the spiderweb's owner closed in on her...

"Help meee!"

...then she was no more.

"KYAAAAAA!"

A freaked-out Madoka ran and crashed into Sayaka's startled arms.

"M-Madoka! What's wrong?"

"Th...th-th...th-th-the f-flyyy...and the spider..." Madoka trembled, pointing shakily from whence she ran.

"Eh? Don't tell me you're scared of bugs," Sayaka said, grinning.

Madoka thought about trying to explain. Madoka realized she would only sound like a pile of moeblob retard if she tried. Madoka instead resorted to clinging to Sayaka while doing a lot of frightened jittering.

"Hey...you all right?" Sayaka wondered in earnest.

"...I wanna go home," Madoka whimpered finally.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Yet on their way home, as they walked past some more shops in the district, Madoka heard another cry for help.

"Help me!"

Madoka about freaked again, but the voice continued before she could scream, run, faint, or whatever else freaked-out teenage girls are inclined to do.

"I promise I'm...n-not a mutated housefly..." the voice said weakly. "Please...help me..."

The voice spoke deep into her mind and her heart. It felt familiar to her...like the voice of an old friend, perhaps from another life or another time...long, long ago. Or something like that. Stupid shit like that is often put in narratives to explain why the main character runs toward a strange situation instead of away from it like most people naturally would. Eh, whatever, it moves the story forward.

So, Madoka could not ignore the desperate cry for help, being a girl that way. It seemed to be coming from a shop that she and Sayaka had just passed. She stopped her friend.

"Sayaka-chan! Um...I'm sorry, but...could you please wait here for me? I have to go in there!" she said imploringly, pointing at the shop. Though Madoka hadn't stopped to look at what kind of shop it was. But Sayaka had. It was a shop for BL manga and other fujoshi merch.

Sayaka looked a bit stunned. "...You...wanna go in there⁇"

Madoka apologized again and gave a small bow. "I'm sorry! Something's calling me!" Without waiting any longer, she ran off into the shop.

She stopped dead two seconds after she rushed through the doors, going completely red in the face.

Out of curiosity, Sayaka followed her in and came up behind her. She too was a bit shocked and unsettled by all the images hitting her young eyes from the walls and shelves. "Whoa...so this is the kind of thing that calls to you, Madoka? I had no idea you were so hardcore."

Flustered, Madoka turned to her. "No! I heard someone calling for help!"

"Help me!" the voice cried again into Madoka's mind. Madoka rushed off again without offering any explanations to her friend. Passing through a back area, a shop employee called to her, "Hey! This section is 18 and over only! Oh, whatever..." he said, trailing off into a mumble as Madoka ignored him completely. "None of the kids ever pay any attention to the ratings, anyway..."

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Madoka found herself face to face with Homura in a dark, closed-off floor of the building.

"You!" Madoka cried.

"Me!" Homura cried back.

"Don't forget about me..." Kyuubey rasped from somewhere on the floor, lying face down.

"Step away from the weird knockoff Pokemon," Homura said in words like ice.

"I'm not a...knock...off..." wheezed Kyuubey.

Madoka knelt down and picked up the hurt Kyuubey gently, clutching the cute familiar close to her heart. "No!" she cried. "I can't! He's hurt! He was calling to me for help! So I've gotta help him!"

Homura's glare was emotionless. "Well. Isn't that sweet. And are you gonna hug him, and pet him, and squeeze him, and call him George, too?"

Madoka looked bewildered.

"...Eh?" was all she could say.

Suddenly, a massive blast of propellant from a fire extinguisher blew through the scene. Madoka and Kyuubey instantly found themselves covered in a fire-dousing spray of chemicals. As the air cleared, Madoka coughed, and looked up to see Sayaka holding the discharged fire extinguisher, looking acutely embarrassed.

"Sayaka-chan‼ Why'd you do that⁉" she whined rather loudly.

"Um...I missed."

Instead, Sayaka flung the canister at Homura, where it klonged bluntly against her head. Homura went down, while Sayaka grabbed Madoka's hand and yanked her to her feet.

"C'mon, let's go!"

◕ ‿‿ ◕

There were no words to describe the trippy visions the two young girls found themselves surrounded by shortly thereafter. So the writer skipped it. Cut to the part after Mami dispelled the witch and Homura left. Action.

"Well, now I'll never have to try LSD to know what it's like," sighed Sayaka, still a bit numb from the shock of all that she'd just witnessed.

"...Eru Esu D?" Madoka said blankly, equally numb.

She and Madoka sat and watched Kyuubey get healed by Mami in a warm little glow of happy.

"How'd you find this thing, anyway?" Sayaka wondered.

"I heard a call for help. Like, "Help me! Help me!"...kinda like...like a voice inside my head."

"Sounds like somebody here's already taken LSD..." Sayaka japed.

Droll.

Mami's glow faded. Kyuubey sprang up, now healthy and chipper. Or just plain genki.

"Thank you, Mami! You saved me!" Kyuubey said brightly.

Mami's eyes were gentle. "No, thank them," she said, indicating Madoka and Sayaka. "They're the ones that found you. If it hadn't been for them, you would never have been saved."

Madoka was deflectively modest. "N-N-No! Thank her," she said, indicating Mami. "If it hadn't been for her, we wouldn't have escaped, and, and y-you wouldn't have been healed."

"I did nothing, really," Mami said simply. "It was just routine."

"But, we didn't do anything either," Madoka shyly insisted. "We were totally helpless..."

Kyuubey sat back and regarded them all with a wisecracking grin. "Well if nobody did nothin', how is it that we're safe now and I'm all better?" Kyuubey then snorted. "Hnh. This is why the Japanese are so..."

"Eh? But aren't you Japanese, too?" Madoka asked him for the second time this episode.

Sayaka also piped up. "Yeah, what are you, anyway? Some kinda weird knockoff of a Pokemon?"

Madoka was already tired of that running gag. "Har," she said, giving Sayaka a deadpan look.

"Nevermind that," Kyuubey chirped. "Whaddya say, you two? Wanna make a contract with me and become magical girls?"

"Wah!" Madoka suddenly went flustery. Shyly she gazed downward, her curled fingers going to her lips. "B-But, but, but if I say yes, then...w-w-will-will we have to be naked during our magical transformations?"

Sayaka raised her hand straight in the air. "Hai! I will gladly get naked for money!"

"Sayaka-chan...I don't think we'd be doing this for money..."

"Eehhh? You mean we'd gain tremendous powers for fighting evil and have to put our lives in danger on a daily basis...for free? I think he should offer us some compensation...or, she should. Or...it..?" Sayaka trailed off, looking at Kyuubey questioningly.

"Actually, I'm neither a he or a she," Kyuubey replied. "I'm a 'they'."

"EEEEHH⁇‼" Madoka and Sayaka cried together.

"Just kiddin'. Eheehee."

Mami bopped Kyuubey on the head with a knuckle. "Quit teasing the newbies. In any case, when you saw me transform," she went on, addressing the girls now, "you didn't see any nudity, right? I suppose if you wanted to, you could flash your body, but really, the nature of your transformation reflects what's in your own heart."

"Yeah," Kyuubey seconded. "So don't worry. Besides...the viewers get to see plenty of your delicious bod in the OP sequence."

Madoka blinked. "Eh? OP sequence?"

"Yeahhh," Kyuubey said lecherously. "Check this out— "

Kyuubey's rings glowed. Moments later, a screencap from the OP sequence of Puella Magi Madoka Magica appeared floating before them all, showing a fully nude Madoka.

And once again, Madoka flushed a bright red. "EEEEEEEHHH⁇‼ Wha-wha-wha-wha-what is this⁈? H-How — where did you get a picture of me like that⁇? "

Sayaka started drooling. "Oh My Gah. I didn't know you were such a hot loli, Madoka."

"I'm not a loli!" Madoka cried. Frantically she grabbed Kyuubey and shook the critter hard.

"Turn it off! TURN IT OFF‼"

She desperately began bashing Kyuubey repeatedly into the floor. Kyuubey made some "Goof! Guh! Gbht!" noises as Madoka's naked picture fuzzed and went out.

Mami wore snark all over her face. "Nice goin', Kyuubey. This'll really encourage them to join forces with us."

Madoka finally released Kyuubey, but when she turned around, she saw that Sayaka was still dreamy-eyed, a flowery aura exuding from her personage.

"What has been seen...cannot be unseen..." she said in a voice full of raspberry heaven.

Madoka grabbed and shook her too. "Unsee it! UNSEE IT!"

"Mami..." Kyuubey mumbled dizzily. "...I got owwies again. Heal me?"

"Sorry, I can't heal wounds brought on by stupidity," she smiled sweetly.

"Uuuu..."

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Meanwhile, at a futuristic version of Hidamarisou, complete with glass walls and large, spacious rooms...

"Yunocchi! Time to go to school!" Miyako called, knocking on 201. There was no response.

"Yunocchi?" Miyako tried again. When there was still no answer after some more knocks, Miyako tried the door. It opened.

"Yunocchi? Are you awak— "

Miyako halted midsentence. Yuno was indeed awake, but only her body was present. Her head was gone—in its place was the head of a very large housefly.

"OH MY GAH‼" Miyako cried.

~~ Ep 01 End ~~

a/n part 2: first posted on the internets jan 15, 2011, just after ep 02 aired. cracked myself up later when i re-read kyuubey's "I'm a 'they'" sometime after ep 08.

original post with shitty macros: green-oval dot net ›› /a/ ›› post 44794597