Jack woke in the night, more wide awake than seemed possible for… 4:56, according to the alarm clock over Ianto's shoulder. Ianto, who was still sound asleep, curled up beside Jack, looking so peaceful, so young by the light of Cardiff night-glow that filtered in through the bedroom window.

Jack felt a rush of emotion overwhelm him. He wanted to gather Ianto up in his arms and protect him forever. He wanted to be with him forever. Jack's forever was a little longer than most, though, and that knowledge sent a wave of cold through him.

Jack hated the middle of the night, the quiet and stillness letting his thoughts prey on him. He knew there was no way… but it didn't stop his heart from wanting so badly. And he'd argued firmly, sometimes even savagely, with himself over that want. He'd convinced himself that it was convenience for both of them… that Ianto didn't want anything deeper, with a man… that it was 'just one of those things.' It was easy, he'd done it loads of times now.

He also knew he was lying to himself and not even very well. Of course there was more there, and of course Ianto wanted everything Jack did. What Jack didn't have to lie to himself about, though, was the impossibility of it all.

Carefully pulling away so he didn't wake Ianto, Jack stared up at the ceiling, asking himself why he was allowing this to go on the way it was. He knew how it would end. Because it would end. Maybe Ianto wanted more now, but eventually he wouldn't, not once he found out that nothing 'more' of Jack was forthcoming.

He'd tried so many times, over nearly 175 years, to be a good partner, to live like a normal person, before he finally accepted the lesson that it just wasn't in him. They always wanted more. They always found less. And that was even before he became so 'wrong.' He'd never tried to hide that from any of his partners, but somehow they were all so sure that there was some 'deeper Jack' that would eventually come out, only to be bitterly disappointed.

Ianto didn't deserve that.

Jack blinked rapidly a couple times and tried breathe evenly, but eventually he had to get up and leave the room. He tugged Ianto's dressing gown off the back of the door as he went, hating how vulnerable he felt. He'd never been good enough for any of them. But he wished that just once he could be good enough, for this one.

He'd let it go far too long, he was sure of that, and it was going to hurt worse than being forced back to life when it ended now. But he also knew he wasn't nearly strong enough to do the ending. It had to be Ianto's idea. So that's all there was for it, Jack thought. He had to start backing off. People were already treating them like a couple, and that would not help.

Glancing back toward their… Ianto's bedroom, Jack felt his heart clench. "Oh, I wish I could be normal for you," he whispered desperately.