Hi everyone! This is it, the last of my fanfiction. It's a short/medium length story that I'm dividing into parts only for ease of reading based on some comments people have made on similar length stories that I've posted in the past. I'll post the next section in a few days. Hope you enjoy and thanks for reading!
Title: I Know
Author: Erika
Rating: PG-13 (one use of the f word)
Summary: Life after Hogwarts is difficult for Remus – his way is barred by prejudice and cruelty that surprise even Sirius who is the most familiar with his friend's plight.
Timeframe: Remus, Sirius, James, and Peter have recently graduated from Hogwarts.
Spoilers: None for HP, though I do refer back to several of my previous stories.
Category: POV, kind of melancholy
Disclaimers: Hogwarts and all of its characters belong to JK Rowling, I'm only borrowing them to have a little fun and I promise to return them unharmed (well, at least mostly unharmed =0). I'm making no money from this and this is written for entertainment purposes only. Any characters that are not recognizable as being part of the HP universe belong to me, but you guys probably figured that out, right?
Feedback: Both positive feedback and constructive criticism are greatly appreciated and will be cherished!
Archive: Please ask first. =)
Author's Note: This is sort of a follow-up on "Watching the Horizon" but all you really have to know is that Remus' mom and grandmother died at the beginning of that story. There might be small mentions to the other HP stories I've written but I've tried my best to explain everything you need to know for this story within the story itself. If you have specific questions, feel free to e-mail me!
I Know
Sirius:
If You Asked Me To Stay
"Remus?" I called out as I Apparated into the living room of the flat we shared. "Things were crazy at–" I stopped short when I noticed James sitting on the couch, casually sipping a bottle of beer. "Oh. I didn't expect you'd be here yet."
"Lily and I only just arrived a couple minutes ago," he informed me. "Remus isn't here."
"That's odd," I remarked, removing my jacket and chucking it onto the lazy chair that Remus' uncle Ian had given us. "Remus only had to work until noon." For once. "He said he'd be here when I got back." I sighed. Remus had been increasingly melancholy as of late. He'd taken to disappearing for hours at a time and always seemed depressed. I was used to him being quiet and withdrawn when the full moon neared but that was still three weeks away. Honestly, I was concerned.
"Maybe he had to run out and get something?" James suggested distractedly, not seeming worried. Remus was so reliable that it probably hadn't occurred to him that he might simply not join us. While I knew that our friend thought it very important to support James and Lily tonight, he'd been so desolate that I wouldn't be surprised if this prior commitment slipped his mind.
"Hm," I murmured noncommittally.
"Hello, Sirius," Lily greeted me pleasantly as she emerged from the kitchen. "Busy day at work?" She was wearing a full-length black dress and a necklace that brought out the red in her thick, wavy hair.
I smiled, "Hi. You look lovely. And yeah, it was hectic," I gave a tired half-laugh. "Some fool tried to cast a shrinking charm on his overgrown trees but it went badly. The trees went wild. We're still not quite sure how it happened," I shook my head bemusedly. "Anyway, the bloody things used their branches to capture the man and take over his property. By the time someone informed the Ministry, they'd spread through the entire neighborhood, devouring all the homes in a mess of wood and leaves."
Lily gave a little chuckle but I could tell she was troubled, probably worrying about tonight. Poor thing. "I'll never understand how people can mangle their spells so badly. Did you get everything all sorted out?"
"In a manner of speaking. There are now no trees in the neighborhood at all. Obliviators are still modifying the memories of the Muggles that were trapped in their homes for nearly a week. Not sure how they'll explain the lack of trees… Anyway," I continued before they could comment, "Just let me take a quick shower and throw on some decent clothes and then we can go. Hopefully Remus will be back in a few minutes."
"You'd better hurry," James urged me after checking the time, "We're supposed to be there in less than fifteen minutes."
"Yeah, I know," I said, heading towards my bedroom, "It won't take me long."
My shower consisted of little more than rinsing off. Quickly toweling the water from my body, I pulled on a pair of very dark blue jeans and began searching my closet for the blue-grey shirt I was planning to wear. James, Remus, and I had never met Lily's parents and she'd stressed the importance of looking our best and making a good impression. She'd become rather imploring in her clothing suggestions and I'd had to assure her that I'd let Remus approve my outfit. Unfortunately, I had no idea what I'd done with the shirt we'd agreed upon.
"James?" I called out into the living room. "Is Remus back yet?"
"Not that we know of," Lily answered. "Are you nearly ready?"
"Nearly." Lily was very nervous about tonight. No one knew her family. The rehearsal dinner was fast approaching but she wanted them to have a chance to get to know James' before then, especially since there wouldn't be many Muggles at the ceremony. With the way she'd been going on about it, I was expecting tonight to be a disaster in the making.
I sighed. She'd skin me with her bare hands and serve my hide fried if I didn't look nice.
Maybe Remus had borrowed the shirt? It wasn't something he usually did but if he had a job interview he might have wanted to look nicer than his rather shabby clothes allowed. Hastily, I stepped into his room and headed toward the closet. I'd nearly made it there when I caught a vague motion in the corner of my eye. Turning to his bed, I was surprised to see him sitting on the mattress with his back against the wall and his knees drawn up. Although his eyes weren't closed, they did not seem to be focused on anything either. He was staring blankly into the space ahead. He looked weary and sad.
"Remus?" I questioned softly. "James and Lily are in the living room, waiting to go. Are you all right?"
He looked at me but didn't answer. I got the impression that he could not think of words to express himself.
Worried, I examined him more closely. His emerald eyes were dull and there were dark circles around them. Though his face was mostly unreadable, he seemed listless and forlorn. It was as if all the sadness that had drifted to the surface over the last few weeks was overwhelming his control. I approached him but before I could say anything else, Lily and James entered the room, no doubt having heard me speak to him.
"Remus!" James sounded a little annoyed and I shot him a dark look. I understood that Lily's nervousness had worn off on him and that he, too, wanted tonight to go as smoothly as possible but I wished he'd be more observant and sensitive. "When did you get here? We're going to be late… You're not wearing that, are you?"
Remus was in his usual worn-down and distinctively non-Muggle robes. Sighing almost inaudibly, he scooted off the bed and faced James and Lily. It was difficult to tell but amidst his despondency I thought I saw a trace of nervous pleading. "I'm not – I'm not going. I can't– I'd just ruin everything. You want to have fun and I'd– I'd not– Please…. I can't."
He wanted to offer his excuses to our friends and I swallowed at how much trouble he was having in the attempt. Normally rather articulate, this halting, half-whispered, nonsensical explanation was almost painful for me to hear. What was wrong? How had I let it get this far?
"What?" James demanded, "We've been–"
Lily placed an arm on James' shoulder and he fell silent, shooting her an inquisitive look. She was obviously quite worried, having no doubt noticed some of what I had. Her green eyes were both sympathetic and understanding and I suppressed a grateful smile. "What is it, Remus?" she asked quietly, stepping toward him.
Silence greeted her inquiry and I thought he meant not to answer. Nearly a minute passed before he opened his mouth and even then his words were so muted that it took me a few seconds to work out what he'd said.
"It is… was…my mum's birthday today," he told us. "I'm sorry," he added quickly. "I wanted to go– Thought I could go…but– It still hasn't been very long and–"
Lily quieted his now unnecessary explanations by removing her hand from James' shoulder and instead taking Remus' hand in hers. "I understand," she assured him, "It's all right."
My eyes fell to the beige carpet. Remus' mum and grandmother had been killed in an Apparating accident. He'd taken his mum's death especially hard and though he was doing much better than five or six months ago, he was still grieving. Obviously his downhearted mood was due to her approaching birthday, which probably only served to remind him of what he'd lost. He'd loved her so very much.
"I'm sorry, Remus," James murmured, "I didn't realize. You should have told us."
I looked up in time to see our friend nod once. "Yes, I know. I just– I really meant to go."
I was reasonably certain that we all understood what he was trying to say. It was important for him to be with his friends on this fairly significant occasion, if only to show his support if things went badly. Though Lily'd never stated it explicitly, we all knew there was bad blood between her and her sister and that it was causing distress for their parents. She really wanted to mend the wayward relationship and hoped that tonight would not serve to only worsen it.
James and Lily both nodded. "Let us know if you need anything," Lily offered kindly.
Remus smiled but there was no joy in his eyes.
"We'll be waiting for you in the living room," James told me as he gave Remus half a smile and turned to go.
Lily leaned forward to place a kiss on Remus' cheek before silently following her soon-to-be husband. As they stepped through the open door, they seemed to share a glance. When James looked at me over his shoulder before disappearing down the hallway, I thought I caught what he was trying to wordlessly convey. It was all right if I wanted to take a few minutes to talk to Remus.
Remus didn't look at me when he sat down again. "You should–" he stopped abruptly, his voice seeming to just die. He did not continue until after he'd taken a deep and rather audible breath. "You should go," but he said the words so softly that there was little force behind the suggestion. "They're waiting."
"Yeah." I glanced down the hallway toward the living room. Was I really supposed to leave him like this? "Will you be all right?"
He made as if to respond but I cut him off because I knew he was going to say 'yes', was going to lie, and I didn't want to hear it. "Don't. I don't ask because it's expected of me or because I don't care about the answer."
At first he seemed to not pay my words any mind but then he took a moment to think before replying. "I don't know," he murmured softly. "It'd gotten better. It wasn't…easy but it was better. And now I feel like I've lost her all over again."
There really wasn't a response I could give to that confession and I was glad that he didn't expect one.
"I used to hope for the pain to go away but I'm not sure it ever will. I don't think I'll ever be able to think about the fact that she's really gone without feeling like some part of me is missing." He finally met my gaze. "Some days are worse than others and some days aren't so difficult. Today's just…harder than most."
"Have you been…to visit her yet?" I asked, remembering the time we'd spend at the cemetery shortly after her burial. He'd remained there for hours, lost in thought, but by the time we'd returned to Hogwarts he had been doing better.
He shook his head. "I…went to see my dad. Just to see how he was doing."
I carefully restrained any negative reaction I might have had to hearing him talk about his dad. Remus' father had treated his son very badly after the incident that had turned him into a werewolf. Although Remus' uncle had urged him to try and mend their relationship, saying there was a lot his nephew simply didn't understand, I'd never been able to comprehend how he could even begin to look past how his father had barely spoken to him for most of his life. Perhaps he was simply kinder and more forgiving than I could ever be.
"How did that go?" I prompted, wanting to prolong this, not wanting to just go when it seemed as if he needed someone to be with.
"I–" he shrugged. "Well enough, considering. He's doing better than I expected and he seemed happy to see me. I think I should…try and see him more often."
"Maybe I could–" I stopped short, glancing at the hallway again. James would be furious if I stayed, he was so nervous about tonight and had specifically asked me to come to make it easier for him. But if I went now the sadness in Remus' eyes would stay with me all night.
"Sirius–" Remus shook his head. "Please go." I wasn't sure if he wanted me to leave or if he was saying it because he knew James and Lily were waiting and he didn't want to cause any problems.
"You're his best friend," he continued before I could think of a reply. "He asked us all to be there but you're the one he's counting on." He sighed. "And I think it'd be better if I was alone."
That was a lie. He was trying to make it easier for me to go. He didn't want to come between James and I and he didn't want James and Lily to be angry with him so he was placing James' request above what he wanted for himself. It was so like him. After all these years he still didn't understand that I valued his friendship just as much as I did James'. They were both equally vital to me but when I took James' dinner against Remus' grief, the former seemed trivial in comparison.
"It might seem like it doesn't matter but this is important to James and Lily. They've been planning it for months. They want to make the best impression possible and her family is expecting James' friends. You promised. You should go." Something about the quiet urgency with which those words were spoken reached me. He didn't really want to be alone but James was his friend. He already felt bad about not being up to going himself and would only feel worse if I stayed on his behalf. The last thing he needed right now was the weight of unnecessary guilt.
"All right, Remus," I conceded. "I'll be back in a few hours."
He nodded, seeming both relieved and resigned at the same time. "Thank you," he murmured. "Tell them I hope it goes well."
Sighing, I went to leave.
"Oh, and that shirt of yours is folded on your chair in the living room," he called after me.
Oh. Right. The shirt. I'd forgotten I was still only half dressed. Turning to thank him, I instead found myself saying something else. He needed to understand. "If you asked me to…" My voice trailed into silence but I trusted he'd hear what I'd left unsaid. I would have stayed if he'd requested if of me.
He smiled. "I know."
