He shows me his face every day to mock me. The cruel scars on his face hurt me more than him, a reminder of what had happened. On days like today, I can't handle it. I wonder if I really ever can. I don't know if I am growing stronger or breaking when I see his face, maybe a little bit of both. I want to grow strong and stop feeling bitter, angry tears when those puffy scars make their way into my vision. But I've been beaten down and broken by what's happened.
There was a time when I was happy, young, and innocent. None of the words fit me now, I was someone who had been tortured so he could be amused. I had nothing wrong, but I wonder what I must have done in a past life to be punished like this.
Equius used to tell me that despite how I was just a commoner, a peasant even, I was something special. Maybe the problem was that we were special together.
We were pure, we were the best of friends. It all started back when I was a young beggar, I lived in the Zahhak kingdom and I was going to become another sad reality: a young child dying from starvation. I collapsed right in the town's square, tired after walking all day trying to beg or at the very least steal the food, all my efforts were unsuccessful. I recall the cobbled ground being rough on my face as I fell, it bit into my skin and I felt the blood seep out lightly. I would have died then if at that moment the Signless hadn't been there.
I had heard whispers of him before, his teachings. I was only around eight though, not old enough to comprehend what he was teaching. I knew that he was very important but I could never in my mind quite grasp how it would ever be useful to me. What I didn't know though was that the Zahhak's respected his opinion greatly and invited him as an honored guest to see their kingdom.
The Zahhak's were one of the few kingdoms on our continent. It was the most established one I knew of, the others were pale imitators. Maybe that's why it fell so fast. The Sea Dwellers kingdom were the only more prestigious and enchanting, or so I imagined. No one I knew had ever seen it. I didn't know anything about them, they might not even exist. Some didn't believe, but I did. There used to be more kingdoms though, but they had crumbled, monarchy first. The subjects were growing restless with the revolutions of sort, eager to take out their troubles on their kings and kings. I would have been happy with a place to rest my head or to eat.
The Signless was the Zahhak's way of appeasing their inhabitants, by hearing what the Signless said and fixing what problems he addressed. I hear most of this years later, through the grape vine. In my opinion it was fate that saved it me. It was destined that the Signless would be walking through, right where was I was lying. I am sure he was rather grim about seeing a small child collapsed on the ground, people stepping delicately over me, eager to get on with their day.
He declared this was unacceptable. The Zahhak's were about grand gestures so they sweeped me up taking me in as their own, in an effort to seem like they were doing something. And it was nice. For awhile. The Signless promised to be back in ten years to make sure everything, including me was okay. He never wanted to see another starving child in his life, even someone like me.
For the years that followed, I was effectively treated like a princess. I learned with Equius, who was my age, and we played together. I think the king would have gone back on his promise very quickly if I hadn't been useful in one way to them. The king's only son had an incurable temper, he had scared away almost all the help, broken nearly everything, and was deeply unhappy. Even as an eight year old, he could be so fearsome.
Except when we were together, we were perfect. He fed off my calmness and he gave me friendship in return. The first friend I had, and we were perfect in that aspect. Every day we spent together our bond grew stronger. We were both so different but our strengths complemented the others faults. I was happy like this, maybe that's why I had an aching feeling it wouldn't last.
When it ended, it was the single most horrible event in my life. It was true there were kingdoms, but there were also bands of people who only wanted to take over an established empire. Their sole purpose is to take what the others worked for, destroy it, and make it their own. I knew about the Makara's when I was that age. I was terrified of them, bandits who would destroy everything I had ever loved.
When they came to our kingdom, the night sky was lit up. They didn't want to hurt the villagers, it was their personal way of terrifying all who resided inside the castle. They only wanted to hurt us. It didn't take long for them to get into our castle, there were quite a few of them. Equius and I could hear the banging on the door from the very top of the castle. We had been placed here under the pretense that we would be called down to play hide or seek or something of the sort. We weren't alerted to the danger until we finally put it together when we heard the shouts and the screams. At twelve years old, we were hearing the people we had lived with and considered close enough to be family.
The room we were in was tip top of the castle, it was in a circular shape with no corners and it was so confining. Equius was growing pale and I'm sure I was too. We were pressing ourselves against the wall. Finally he turns to me and says "Nepeta, I'm going to see what's going on, I need you to stay here."
I tried to protest, to pull him back closer to me. We could stay up here and no one would know. I voiced what I thought to him but nothing made him budge. "I'm going. Stay here." I saw his face twitch just slightly as he tried to keep his face composed. "I will be as safe as I can, but I have to go. I want you to wait in the cabinet." I was shaking, gripping the sides of my dress with my hands. I managed to tear my eyes away from his to look at the cabinet, tears blurred my vision but I saw it. There was just enough space on the inside for the two of us, if we were cramped in together. "And Nepeta, I just wanted to say... Goodbye." He was whispering as he said his final words to me. I cried, twisting my face into an ugly expression as I hugged him, before he finally pushed me towards the cabinet.
He descended towards the door, and I scrambled into the cabinet being as stealthy as I can. From my hiding space, I could hear the door close quietly. I hear talking for a moment, then a low chuckle I had to strain to hear. Finally there were some shuffles and then a loud thump. I heard the door creak open, and I held my breath, tears freely flowing down my face. I waited torn, trying to slide back further into the cabinet, praying for Equius to be okay. My hand slid back and it bumped into what appeared to be a pocket knife. I gripped it between my two hands, blade extended. I didn't know what to expect, but I knew it wouldn't be good.
Footsteps are slowly walking around the room. They are taking their time, going leisurely. That's how I know it is not Equius. Equius has fallen, and whoever is in here is responsible. I sit, boiling in rage. When I hear the door creak open as they are leaving I cannot control myself and I leap out, not even looking at who I am slashing just slicing their face with the knife in my hand. He looks startled, but also very pleased, despite the blood dripping grotesquely down his face. He grabs my hand as I go in for another slash, effectively stopping all movement.
"Look at this little kitty girl," He coos in my face. He couldn't have been any older than me, but his wild and wavy hair easily identifies him as a lawless Makara. "You even crouch like a cat before an attack... Look's like your friend here is dead and you're not a Zahhak. This is mysterious." He rubs his chin sarcastically, rubbing his blood deeper into his face. "Looks like you will be my new pet."
I knew in that moment that life as I knew it was destined to be a miserable and tortured life. Everything had changed and there was no way to be happy, not without Equius.
Gamzee has made sure of that. Taunting me with his scars and his loud laughs at my misery. He is the most vile creature I have ever met. I have been held captive in what used to be a lovely castle, Gamzee dragging me along as if I literally were a pet. He has no respect for me, but won't give me the only thing I want now, death. I am hardly left to my own and I am always left from sharp objects, he doesn't want another scar to match his first from me.
Now though, I am eighteen and life is a new hell every day. Some days Gamzee is content to simply ignore me for hours at a time. Others he loves to make lewd remarks about my growing body, or even taunt me about Equius. I am scared to do much else aside from just go along with what he does. Mostly I am waiting, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. I am like a cat, I will pounce when he least expects it.
As I lay in my cold bed reliving the past, my heartbeat speeds up once more as I can hear the sounds of him approaching. The dark hallways are large and produce an echo, you could hear a pin drop aside from his steps. I have his footprint memorized and he is descending upon my room quickly.
