Jane

I can still feel his breath on my skin. I can still feel his hands on me...inside me. I can feel the bruises. I can still feel the pain. After all these years I can still feel him their.

I often close my eyes and feel as if he is their in the corner just waiting for me to let my guard down. If it wasn't for Maura I would still be cowering in the corner trying to escape his grasp. Trying to escape the pain. Trying to escape the torment.

Every day is a daily battle to forget. To forget what the pain felt like. To forgot the fear that is imprinted in my mind. To forget what it was like to always be afraid. To forget the constant need to keep my heart guarded.

Everyday I let the fear creep its way back into my life with the slam of a door. With a breath near my ear. With my inability to make love with the lights on. With the dreams that wake me up several times a night. With a laugh that sounds too much like his.

I try to be strong. I try to hold it all together. I try to be the protector but there are too many nights where I am the one who is in need of saving. I find myself at times when the pain becomes to much. When the nightmares become unbearable. When the sounds become too loud. I find myself in the middle of the night just holding my gun just wondering if I can make the pain go away. If I can make the constant screaming in my ears go away. There are too many nights Maura my sweet sweet Maura coaxes me from my self agony and convinces me to live another day.

But how do you live when you can still feel his breath. How do you live when you can still feel him inside you. How do you live when you look at your children and you feel you can't protect them because your still too afraid to sleep with the lights off.

But that's the thing how do you stop living when you have children looking up too you. When you have a family that needs you. When you have a wife that looks too you for love and support.

You close yourself off in a box. You take your fears and you lock them away. You put a smile on your face because their isn't time for you to show your weakness. You remain brave because others depend on it. You put your life on the line so others may have a chance.

But sometimes when its in the middle of the night. You let your guard down. Your let your fears surface. You let the tears fall and you let yourself for one brief moment fall apart.