I can't stop shaking. A million thoughts run through my mind. Frank. Marilyn. The poor little girl I dream about one day holding in my arms. I can imagine her precious, little fingers grasping my hand as I rock her gently. But the sound of this boy crying in my arms, almost choking on his own sobs, makes me want to forget about that little girl I've been wanting for over a decade, forget about play writing and Marilyn, forget about myself, and focus on being here for my son.
Why did he have to leave us? Why does our family have to be destroyed? Why can't this be Michael instead? Why us? I guess I deserve this... but why did it have to happen now? While we're in the middle of Marilyn? The adoption?
I need to stop torturing myself. I need to pay attention to helping Leo get through this. I'm lying in the floor of the kitchen with this sweet boy in my arms. A boy who just saw his father walk out on him and his cheating mother. God, I'm such a horrible mother. I don't deserve to be a mother...
Focus, Julia. Focus. Leo needs you.
Waking up alone. Forcing myself to dress. Dragging myself down the hall to Leo's room. I knock. No answer. I knock again before slowly opening the door. No Leo. I panic. I grab his comforter and rip off the bed. Empty. I call out, "Leo?" No answer. "LEO?" I scream. "LEO!" Still nothing. I run out of his room and down the hall. I knock on the bathroom door. Nothing. I grip the knob tight and the door swings open.
He's sitting in the floor; his head between his knees.
"Oh Leo.. Leo. Come here, sweetie."
Sitting down beside him, I mold myself around his crumpled body and hold him while he cries.
Tbc?
