Are You Sure?
I knock on Brian's door, my heart in my throat. I wait a few seconds that seem like an eternity as I hear him getting up from his desk and coming to the door. He looks a little surprised as he realizes I actually came. We look at each other for a moment, then he asks "are you sure you want to do this?" When I nod and smile, his face breaks into a wide grin. I reach out and hug him, and as he wraps one arm around me, with the other he closes the door.
Brian had texted me about half an hour before: "hey jenny can we talk about us. my room its just me here anytime tonight." I knew exactly what he meant. I knew he wanted more. More than the chaste night snuggling and accidentally dozing off on my couch after I'd cried my eyes out about my mom. More than a smile as he left practice, passed me in the quad, or paused on his way out of FPS101. It was completely up to me. I could pretend like I'd never read his message and he would be dejected but respectful of what I wanted. Or I could go over and see what would become of that spark I'd felt that day in the locker room after our match against varsity. When he kissed me.
He disentangles himself from my arms and we stand facing each other. "You're here," he says a little awkwardly, looking a little down and to the side.
"I'm here," I say, suddenly unsure what to say. I sit down on his couch, moving a pair of sweatpants and a tee shirt out of the way and hanging them over the armrest. He sits next to me.
"So, us," he starts. I am quiet. "I didn't have anything planned to say after that, honestly."
"It's okay," I say, putting my hand on his thigh. "I think we're on the same page here."
Brian seems to have remembered what he wanted to say. "You know, after the other day, that no one can find out. We have to keep this under wraps from absolutely everyone. I believe your mom when she says she'd bench us both in a heartbeat," he says with a very serious look.
"I completely agree," I reply, "but remember, this is supposed to be fun."
He looks mischievously at me. "And fun it will be."
I take off my flats and cross my legs. Brian gets up and asks, "Want something to eat?"
"Sure," I say, and he returns with some tortilla chips and a jar of salsa. I take a chip and nibble at it, not sure what to do next. We eat quietly for a minute or two, and feeling fairly awkward I lean back on the couch and look over at him.
I'm not quite sure how it got to this point, but a little while later I'm sitting on my knees on the couch with my hands on Brian's chest, his splayed out on my back, pulling me closer as our lips meet. I lean back and cross my arms across my chest, grasping my shirt from behind and pull it over my head in one motion. It's a thin cotton tee shirt so I'm wearing a nude bra underneath and as I pull my head through, shaking my hair out of my face, I see Brian's eyes widen. I realize he's almost certainly never seen a girl shirtless before. But what better time than the present? I nod to him, inviting him to do the same, but he hesitates.
"Jenny…" he starts, "I'm not comfortable with this right now, I'm sorry, but I just can't…" Mortified, I stand up, turn away from him, and fumble with my shirt. "It's not you, Jenny…" he says, but I interrupt him.
"It's fine, Brian, it's me who should be sorry. I didn't mean to go too fast, I don't know what I was thinking," I say quickly as I turn around, fully clothed again, to face him.
He smiles oh-so-sweetly. "Thanks for understanding, Jenny. Maybe someday, just…not today."
"I should go," I say, still not sure what exactly was happening. Brian's face falls and I reconsider. "Maybe I have time for a board game…your choice."
"Scrabble?" he asks, and I smile at the little excited look he gets.
"Sure," I reply, and he unfolds the cover from his tablet on the coffee table. I put the lid on the salsa and fold up the bag of chips, and before long, we're intently focused on double word and triple letter.
About an hour later, the game is over and he's telling me about the Milwaukee Invitational and we're laughing as if nothing had happened. I'm so glad we could put this behind us so quickly, at least on the surface, and I really hope it doesn't come back to bite us later. As I get up to leave, remembering we've got an early practice in the morning, he walks with me to the door. "See you at practice tomorrow, Jenny."
"Thanks for having me, Brian," I say. "See you bright and early." I kiss him lightly on the cheek as I leave and close the door behind me. I'm so glad we did this. It's going to be fun.
