Left Alone

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: They're not mine ~ they just use my mind as a playground sometimes!  :0)

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The morning after Woody told Jordan he was going hunting.

Jordan. . .

He left me!  He freakin left me!  Just like that! I mean, yeah, he said that he was going hunting with his brother, but I didn't know he meant immediately!  I call and get his answering machine saying he's gonna be gone for a couple of weeks.  Damn it!  I really needed to talk with him too ~ to. . .  Can't think about that right now.  It hurts too much.  Way too much.

It's interesting.  I don't know that I've ever felt this way before ~ this feeling of being abandoned.  I mean with a guy.  I definitely felt alone when Mom. . .  But never with a guy.  I don't think I've ever let myself get close enough to face the possibility of feeling left.  But now. . .  I wonder if it's what…  Shit!  Is this what Tyler felt like when I left L.A.?  I mean, that night when he showed up here at 3am or whenever it was when his flight to Patagonia got cancelled he did seem hurt about the way I just left.  But that was different.  I mean, I left because of a job ~ I needed one, there was one here.  And it's not like we were in l-. . .

Wait a minute.  It's not like I'm in love with Woody is it?  No ~ it can't be.  But. . .  But. . .  Oh hell, maybe I am.  I don't know ~ I don't think I've ever been in love before, so I don't know what it's supposed to feel like.  I just know that it hurts like hell that Woody's not here.  And I miss him.

Oh well, better get to work.  I don't need Garret fussing at me about being late on top of everything else.  At least I won't have time to think at work if it's like it usually is. . .

. . .later, at the morgue. . .

What was I saying about being busy?  Can't somebody in Boston die?  I mean, I don't want to sound mean, but I need something to do.  I've roamed the hall so many times it'll be bad if I do it again.  Hmm. . .  Maybe I'll go and see if Nigel wants to grab lunch.  Yeah, that's it.  I mean, it's. . .11 a.m.  Well, it could be an early lunch, right?  Ok, down the hall to his office and. . .

What's that?  Oh, music.  He's playing something on his computer ~ he loves that jukebox software he's got.  Well, I'll just. . .  Wait, what song is that?  I know I've heard it before, but. . .  Those words. . .

"Yet, if he said he loved me,

I'd be lost,

I'd be frightened;

I couldn't cope.

Just couldn't cope.

I'd turn my head.

I'd back away.

I wouldn't want to know.

He scares me so.

I want him so.

I love him so."

Shit.  It's like he knew I was here and what I was feeling.  Maybe I can just get back to my office before. . .

"Jordan?"

Damn it!  "Yeah?"

"Did you need something, luv?"

"Nah.  Not important.  I was just going to see if. . .  Nigel, what are you listening to?"

"'Jesus Christ Superstar: A Resurrection' ~ it's a charity album for anti-gun violence causes.  It's really cool.  Amy Ray from the Indigo Girls sings the part of Jesus."

"Oh.  I might have to borrow it sometime, Nige."

"Not a problem.  Wait, was the music so loud you could hear it in your office?"

"No, I was just. . .  I know it's only 11, but do you want to get lunch or something?"

"Jordan?  You never want lunch.  Are you feeling alright?"

"I'm just bored!  Doesn't anyone know we need people to die to work around here?"

"Jordan!"

"I know, I know.  It's awful.  But today I just really needed to have something to do to keep me busy.  And keep my mind. . .  Never mind."

"You know what, Jordan?  Do let's get some lunch.  I think some time out of this office might be just what you need."

"Jordan, Nigel?  You going somewhere?"

"Yes, Garret.  Jordan suggested she and I get some lunch since we don't seem to have any bodies to work on right now."

"Jordan?  You suggested lunch?"

"What is it with you people? I eat lunch."

"Whatever you say, luv."

"Nigel, I'm. . ."

"Jordan, I'm only teasing.  It's just that, well, when you do eat lunch, it's usually not with anyone from this office."

"Gee, Garret, I didn't know you were paying such close attention to my. . ."

"Now we're even."

"Ha, ha.  Anyway, Nige and I haven't had much 'bonding time' lately and. . ."

"It's ok.  Go ahead.  I'll page you if anyone decides to die."

They went down the street and found a little place with some outdoor seating so that they could enjoy the beautiful sunshine.  After they'd ordered and their Coke and diet Coke had been set down, Nigel looked at Jordan, who seemed a million miles away.

"So, you going to tell me what's got you so distracted today?"

"It's nothing, really. I mean. . ."

"Oh, wait a minute.  I think I might know what this has to do with."

"You do?"

"Yes, I do."

"Do I have to guess what you're thinking or are you going to tell me?"

"Well, I called a certain precinct to talk with a certain detective this morning because I saw the robot he's missing for his collection on EBay and wanted to let him know."

"Uh huh?"

"And they said that this certain detective was involved in an altercation last night, was slightly injured and was put on the D.L. for two weeks. And that he'd taken off to visit his brother.  In Wisconsin."

"Yeah."

"Oh, Jordan."

"What?"

"That's what this is all about isn't it?  The distraction.  The wanting something to do.  The walking the halls like the living ghost of the morgue?"

"You noticed that, huh?"

"Yes.  As did everyone, though no one was going to say anything.  We didn't. . .uh, well. . ."

"You didn't want to upset the morgue volcano?"

"Now that's not what I was going to say.  We just know that you don't like to share a lot and we, well, we try to be supportive and give you space at the same time.  That's why we sort of wait for you to come to one of us."

"Yeah.  Thanks."

"So what are we going to do about this?"

"Alright, first of all, what do you mean 'we'?  And second, what makes you think I want to do anything about 'this'?"

"Jordan, in all the time we've worked together, you've never once randomly asked me to go to lunch unless it was just convenient to the case."

"Oh, yeah.  You're right.  I'm sorry about. . ."

"So I can only assume that you wanted to talk to your 'adopted big brother' about this.  Am I right?"

"Yeah.  I just. . ."

"It's ok.  Consider this a confessional.  Whatever's said her stays here."

"I'm not sure I believe you, but I'll pretend like I do."

"There's a good girl."

"Nige, I don't know what's up.  I mean, something in my just sort of felt funny when he said that he was going hunting with his brother and he was on the D.L. for two weeks.  I literally felt sick to my stomach."

"Oh my."

"Yeah. And then this morning I tried to call him and he'd put on his voice mail that he was going to be gone for a couple of weeks.  I didn't. . .I didn't think he meant he was leaving today!"

"Oh, Jordan."

"But why should it even bother me.  I mean it's not like we're. . ."

"So you haven't. . .  Guess, I'm out of that pool."

"NIGEL!"

"I'm sorry luv.  Things have been a little slow the past week or so, and we needed something to do."

"But really.  A pool about my love life?"

"Is that what it is?"

"What?"

"A love life?"

"If I'd wanted to be asked this many questions, I would have invited Stiles for lunch."

"Ah yes, but you asked me."

"True.  Nige, I don't know.  After I tried to call him this morning, I just felt really weird.  Almost like he left me.  And then I realized that what I was feeling was probably similar to what Tyler ~ remember him?"

"Unfortunately I do.  But that party was. . .  I digress."

"Yes, you do.  Anyway, I guess what I felt was similar to what he felt when I just up and left L.A."

"Uh huh. . ."

"And I think in some ways he really might have loved me and I just wasn't open to letting myself feel it or recognize it."

"Now we're getting somewhere."

"Has Stiles been giving you lessons?"

"No, no. I just ~ well, at one point I studied psychology as well."

"I should have known."

"Jordan. . ."

"Alright.  Yeah, I started to realize that maybe. . .  But that's just silly.  I mean, of all the people for me to fall in love with. . ."

"It had to be him."

"Exactly.  Why, Nige?"

"Jordan, I may be an expert in some things, but matters of the heart, alas, is not one of my stronger categories."

"So you don't have any advice?"

"Jordan, let yourself feel and figure out what is going on."

"Well, I. . ."

"I noticed you stopped dead in your tracks at the song that was playing when you were standing at the door to my office."

"It just. . ."

"It does seem. . .  Why don't you borrow the CD and listen to it?"

"Ok, I guess when we get to leave tonight."

"Why don't you see if Garret will let you take the afternoon off and just take a little time.  I think even if a body came in. . ."

"I might not be much good?"

"Well, I was going to say focused."

"Ok, let's go."

Jordan. . .

So we paid our bill and walked back to the office.  Amazingly, Garret was willing to give me the afternoon off ~ as long as I promised to keep my pager on just in case.  Nigel handed me the CD and a CD walkman saying "Track number 13."  Of course.  A song I decide I can relate to and it's track number 13.

I wasn't sure where else to go ~ didn't want to go home ~ so I drove over to the Pogue and let myself in.  I could hear Dad in the back doing inventory, so I hollered that I was out front and was just going to hang out for a while.  He hollered back that was fine.  He'd be out in a minute.

I wandered over to the CD player ~ decided I didn't want to listen on a walkman ~ and popped the CD in.  Let's see. . .track 13. . .

"I Don't Know How To Love Him" from "Jesus Christ Superstar"

(words by Tim Rice, music by Andrew Lloyd Weber)

"I don't know how to love him.

What to do,

How to move him.

I've been changed.

Yes really changed.

In these past few days,

When I see myself,

I seem like someone else.

"I don't know how to take this.

I don't see why he moves me.

He's a man.

He's just a man.

And I've had so many men before

In very many ways;

He's just one more.

"Should I bring him down?

Should I scream and shout?

Should I speak of love?

Let my feelings out?

I never thought I'd come to this.

What's it all about?

"Don't you think it's rather funny

That I should be in this position?

I'm the one who's always been

So calm,

So cool,

No lover's fool,

Running every show.

He scares me so

"I never thought I'd come to this

What's it all about?

"Yet if he said he loved me

I'd be lost.

I'd be frightened .

I couldn't cope.

Just couldn't cope.

I'd turn my head.

I'd back away.

I wouldn't want to know.

He scares me so.

I want him so.

I love him so.

I love him so."

I hadn't noticed Dad come out of the storeroom to stand behind me while the song was playing.  But as it ended, I felt his hand on my shoulder.

"You wanna talk about it, sweetheart?"

"Oh, Dad. It's Woody.  He got hurt last night and he left for Wisconsin to go hunting with his brother and. . .and. . .and I think I really love him.  And I don't know if he's coming back or when or how to get in touch with him at all since his cell's turned off. . ."

"Oh, Jordan."  And without another word, he just pulled me into his arms and we just stood there, me caught somewhere between tears and no tears and Dad just rubbing my back and petting my hair.

. . .to be continued. . .