June 5, 2015, Fri.
1st Entry (Dean Ambrose)
Alright, I'm actually doing this. Okay let's do this.
My name is Dean Ambrose. I am currently 29 years old and I have DID. I am currently being diagnosed by Dr. Denzel Croft and he told me record stuff going on in my day-to-day life in this journal thing-y. It's been a week since I began to see Dr. Croft for help. I don't really know why I agreed to this journal but Seth told me that it might help me in…a way. I don't really remember the reason why he thinks so but he thinks this will help so that's something.
I've been living with this disorder, along with other diagnosed problems, ever since I was 17. I've been described by my co-workers as too impulsive and easily distracted. The only people I am confident in talking to are Roman Reigns, Seth Rollins and Jon Moxley.
I don't care what my psychologist says: I still refer to Mox as a separate person. I have a hard time in believing that Jon and I are the same person. We are just so different that it's hard to grasp that we are one.
I know that Denzel tells me that referring to my alters as different people can cause more dissociation but I can't help but refer to them as separate people. I guess it's because of the reason that I've lived with them for too long without really seeking any professional help.
But, Denzel did commend me for having insight and awareness of my alters, though. Most people with the same disorder don't know about who they "are" until given evidence. In my case, I didn't need any evidence since I already knew about Mox and Jonathan and our other alters.
What else did he advise me to do? He told me what I thought about me. Me, as in my alters? Uhm… Well, Jon Moxley is "different" than any alter I have. More often than not, he seems like he doesn't want to get better and like he wants us to keep living like this, disorders and all. I asked him one day about this issue but I didn't receive a response from him. Another thing I've noticed is when Dr. Croft tries to address Moxley, Jon doesn't seem to be interested in the conversation.
Even when he was triggered to come out, which was a last resort, he was silent and indifferent and looked absolutely murderous. As if, he wanted to kill me for making him do this. For the past three days, however, I've noticed he seems silent in my head and when I retreated back into my mind to talk, he's not there.
It's difficult to admit this but…I'm terrified that maybe I've lost Mox. I've never experienced losing an alter, it's always been him seeing me in the process of fading but never have I been on the other end of the equation. And it disturbs me to think that he's gone without me knowing what happened. I don't like to think that maybe it's because of the treatment since he is the primary subject in therapy, being the most disruptive and destructive alter.
But I can't help but think that maybe this is all my fault for seeking help. I killed one of my best friends and I can't sleep at night with this knowledge. Seth tries to convince me that maybe it was for the best but no, it's not. I feel like it's all getting worse. I feel like there's no balance and something's missing. I don't know what happened to Moxley but all I know is maybe I am the reason why he's gone.
-DA
