Chapter 1: Facing The End
It's been only two days since Ron came back. And a lot has happened since then. They weren't in the woods anymore, she remembered, as the sun crept through the light curtains of the room in Shell Cottage. Everything seemed so distant like it was someone else's memory, but at the same time so vivid in her mind that she was sure it was hers.
Bruises on her body were still red and raw, even after the healing conducted by Fleur. That awful sting that shook her body every time she would move made her realize that hiding them won't make them go away. But, then, she wasn't hiding them only for herself. She was hiding them for others, too. Her eyes fell on her arm and letters engraved on it. She traced her shaky fingers across it and it felt like she was touching someone else's skin. Her whole body felt so disconnected from her mind. Like she wasn't whole anymore.
With all the strength she had she stood up from the bed and approached the small round window. Sky looked still reddish from the dawn and hills and grass was still a darker shade of green. The ocean reflected the sun so blindingly and bathed one side of the Cottage's front yard she almost missed the dark figure that stood motionless there. Its eyes traveled somewhere far away, somewhere over the water as if they were wondering what was lying at its end. Even though it was just a shadowy figure by the way the sleeves of the plaid shirt were rolled up to his elbows, by the way he had his one hand stuffed in his pocket and the wand in another one that laid relaxed by his side… She could tell it was him. She could also tell it was him by the way he stood with his legs slightly parted or by the way he looked as he was performing the watch like not so long ago when they were still in the woods.
She wondered how long he was standing there. No sound could be heard in the house. Everyone was still asleep… Everyone but the two of them. Looking at his shadow that was forming behind him as the sun rose higher and higher, she frowned thinking of all the other shadows that were probably crossing his mind in that moment.
Hermione knew he was blaming himself even though, this time, everything that has happened the day before had nothing to do with him. She remembered him shouting spells back at the Malfoy's Mannor and that horrified look on his face as he hit Belatrix with one thinking, for a split second, that he might have hit her. As she felt Belatrix's bony hands letting go of her and push her forward into the room he caught her in his arms before she hit the ground and she felt safe. It felt like home.
He didn't say much after that. He didn't say anything as he held her tightly to his side as she clenched his jacket for support. He didn't say anything when they landed on the shore in front of the Shell Cottage… He didn't say much when they buried Dobby. She only heard him say a few muffled words to Harry. She was soon taken to a room and had Fleur heal the better parts of her cuts. She remembered screaming, exhaustion and then… Nothing. She must have fallen asleep or just fainted.
She hadn't seen him since yesterday and her mind faintly wondered if he had come to her room while she was sleeping maybe. Did he sleep? If only she could see his face she would know… And then she decided that that is what she needs to do. She had to see him. She had to look him in the eyes and let him know that none of this is his fault.
Coming down the stairs was much of a challenge, both because of her sore legs and the creaky noise they produced with each of her steps. She didn't want to wake anyone. She needed a few moments with him, alone.
The morning was crispy and it smelled like the sea. She immediately inhaled deeply letting the freshness of it wash away the stale smell of the wooden floor back at the Mannor she was forced to lie on. Before making the final step out of the house she tightened the robe that Fleur has left for her on the bed around her small frame.
As she walked towards him Hermione wasn't trying to be quiet. She wanted to let him know someone was coming and she knew that he could tell who… Their senses were much sharper after that year in the hiding when every sound could be a warning of an impending danger. She watched him intently and recognized the moment he had heard her by the way his neck twitched a little beneath the layers of flaming hair. He didn't turn around, however.
When she finally reached him with just another step left to take before she was by his side she forced herself to stand more stable, inhaling deeply as her ribs protested, wanting to hide away any sign of the pain she was feeling. Lining her feet with his her gaze traveled to his eyes and then followed its path to the spot he was looking at. She took a moment before trusting herself to speak.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?", she asked in a hushed tone, calm and stable as if they have just finished hiking and now marveling the sight before them. "The ocean, I mean. And the dawn."
She felt his eyes on her piercing her to the bone and she very well knew what kind of thoughts roamed through his brain. He probably thought she was going slightly mad for even taking the time to notice anything beautiful and the other was probably admiring her strength for actually voicing it out the way she did.
"Beautiful enough to be worth fighting for, right?", she said in the same tone of voice ignoring his eyes. And then she felt them gone.
They traveled to his feat and Hermione knew that feeling of guilt that was washing over him. He felt ashamed and she could guess why… Among the millions of thoughts that rushed through his mind one was definitely to give up. Maybe, for a moment there he wanted to grab hers and Harry's hand and his family and take them far away, maybe even there, where ocean met the sky, away from everything. That wasn't really Ron, she knew he would never do that, but she didn't blame him for thinking about it. He wasn't the only one.
"It'll be over soon", Hermione said again. "One way or another".
She could see him stiffen with the corner of her eye. After all, they have all felt it. The end… Coming closer and closer. And with all the resolution and devotion towards success there was always a little voice in the back of the head as a reminder that it hasn't ended yet. That there's more lying ahead and that the outcome is unknown. Every time she felt it, she would feel how she should cherish everything she had and often, a paralyzing fear.
Letting her mind wander she almost forgot why she came down there in the first place. Her soul healed when he came back even though she didn't show it. Having him there before her eyes with a sheepish grin on his face made the battle meaningful again. Everything seemed meaningful while they had each other; sleeping on the ground, coldness, hunger… Now, her body needed mending and healing and she knew time will take care of that. Even if she didn't recover completely she didn't really care. His soul needed her this time.
Hermione reached out her hand slightly to her side and touched his that was still stuffed deep in his pocket. She grazed her thin fingers across his slightly bulged veins and skin that became a little rough and thick from the cold and hard work in the woods. She turned to look at him now completely facing his side and watching as his profile changed in little motions. By the state of him she knew he didn't close his eyes for a second since yesterday. She continued stroking his hand until she felt him pulling it out of the pocket and intertwining his fingers with hers. His hand was unbelievably warm in contrast to the cold morning. And for the first time since the Dobby's funeral when both their visions were blurred from the tears, their eyes met.
Hers were still on his face while his traveled frantically from one spot to another thoroughly examining every inch of her face before moving on to her whole body. When he didn't find any visible signs of damage Ron closed his eyes before her, lifted them closed to her face again and then opened them again staring directly into hers.
He sighed heavily, but it wasn't the sigh of relief. It was a tormented, anticipating sigh like the one Hermione could hear him release when he was about to do something hard. She squeezed his hand a little tighter and let a small smile nest on her face encouraging him to ask questions he was so afraid to ask.
It broke her heart seeing him like that. She knew he was much stronger than he gave himself credit for and much smarter than everyone else did. But a heavy, sleepless night can do horrible things to you. He had dark circles under his eyes and he seemed paler than he usually was. Scratches on his right cheek only added to that picture of a gravely wounded man.
Hermione brought her other hand to them and caressed them gently until he leaned in her palm and closed his eyes again but only for a second before he opened them almost startled thinking that she might not be real. She gave him another one of hers little reassuring smiles.
"Will you be ever able to forgive me?", he asked silently, barely above a whisper.
Hermione almost flinched when she realized how long it has been since she last heard his voice; one that really resembled Ron. Before he left he spoke angrily and bitterly and mostly just spat things in her face. When he got back they weren't really speaking and all she could hear from him were strange and awkward noises… And then at the Mannor only shouts and yells. She felt her heart skip a beat in her chest.
"I already have, Ron", she said calmly. "You just need to forgive yourself"
"I don't think I can", he replied to Hermione who was now struggling with the tingling sensation in her legs. It was getting harder to stand still, part from the pain she still felt and decided not to show and part from the fact that this was the closest she and Ron have probably ever been. He was still holding back as they stood there awkwardly facing each other with fingers still tightly intertwined.
"You know…", he started letting his eyes wander away from her face and somewhere over her head into that same spot he was looking at earlier. " I keep thinking what would happen if I hadn't come back. You know, if I just heard about the capture over the radio… If I heard…", and his voice trailed off.
"But, you did. Don't torture yourself", she said.
"But, what If I was late!", he said loudly and shook her hand a bit, immediately regretting it after seeing her eyes dart to the spot hidden beneath the sleeve of the robe. She quickly regained her posture but by the time she looked at his eyes again he was gone. Biting hard on his lower lip Ron just shook his head in disbelief.
"I am sorry…", he said and let go of her hand and she instantly felt the cold spread from the spot when such heat was a moment ago.
"I can't… You can't", Ron rambled crossing his hands behind his head still clenching his jaw. "It's all my fault", he said finally.
He was now circling around still shaking his head as he was saying 'no' to something, like he was not allowing for her words to sink in and trying to find the best position away from the house, from the sun, from her… And when he finally stopped moving he had his back turned on her.
She approached him silently and put her palm on his back, just beneath the shoulder.
"Ron…", she pleaded. "Turn around. Look at me".
And, hesitantly, he did.
She put both of her hands on his shoulders and looked at him setting her jaw straight.
"It's not your fault", she said only to have him shake his head again. "Look at me. It's not!"
"But, 'Mione, I left you…", Ron said broken.
"And then you came back", Hermione reassured him.
"Yeah… It's just –"
"True! You shouldn't have left in the first place, but you weren't yourself back then. Who knows what would've happen if I had that thing on my chest half a day!", Hermione said while prodding slightly at his shoulders. "Anyway, you said you wanted to come back the minute you left, but you couldn't find us. Eventually you did and even though I was tough on you I forgave you the moment I say you outside that tent! Or a minute later!"
"How?", Ron asked astonished. Her words were sinking in but he didn't dare go and decipher the meaning behind them. Not alone.
"I just did", Hermione said with a shrug deciding it was a bit too much to let everything out then and there. Instead, she just smiled.
The mood was a little lighter after the talk they had. Or else, after her talking and him mostly protesting and explaining why she shouldn't be so easy on forgiving him. If only he knew…
Hermione saw a light flicker in the house, behind his back. She tapped him on his shoulders with both of her hands.
"Come, someone's up", she said. "And you should definitely have something to eat!"
Ron watched her frown a little after she shifted her whole weight to her right ankle and quickly grabbed her upper arm.
"You need some help?"
She looked at him with all familiar 'Hermione stare'.
"After almost an hour I spent here trying to talk some sense into you I think I can manage walking back to the house on my own, Ronald", she said proudly.
Ron chuckled nervously as he felt a little lurch inside his stomach but followed her inside without words.
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When they walked into the house they met with startled Bill and Fleur.
"Merlin's!", Bill was quick on his tongue. "Are you out of your minds? What were you doing outside?"
Fleur grinned at their bewildered faces. Especially Ron's who hasn't heard his brother talk like that since he was very young.
"Zit down", she ushered them, "Brreakfest iz rready. Oh, and Harry iz awake. He fill be down any minute"
Ron and Hermione obeyed while desperately trying to avoid Bill's stare who was mouthing something under his breath. Fleur helped Hermione settle into one of the chairs and Ron took the one across from her.
"How are you feeling, Hermione?", Bill asked after sitting down himself while Fleur disappeared into the kitchen.
"Better, thanks", she said quickly wondering for a second if she was telling the truth. "I slept well", she added.
"And you, Ron", Bill turned to his brother and shot him a bit sharper look.
"Yeah… I am fine", he replied nervously.
In that moment Harry walked down the stairs and seemed pretty amused to see everyone already up. He didn't smile at them, though. He just approached the table and took a seat next to Ron eyeing Hermione carefully and examining the whole situation before he decided to speak. Hermione nodded to him letting him know she's ok and Ron lowered his eyes back to his plate. Luna came down too, pretty soon and blabbed about some of her ordinary stuff making everyone else grin.
When Fleur finally showed up with the food and after everyone had a first decent meal in ages, Hermione stated that she needed a bath and Fleur kindly agreed to help her.
The mood of the crowd was changing throughout the day. At times it would be so light and they all seemed relaxed like unaware of what was happening around them and in the next moment, guilt would wash over them and they would be silent for a while. Harry tried to talk to Griphook who was still in a pretty bad shape and finally decided to let him rest until tomorrow. Bill and Fleur took care of letting the Weasley's know that the kids are with them. Ron was in a chaos… He would stand up from the seat and then return to it really fast like he has forgotten what he wanted to do. Hermione thought it was caused by a sleep deprivation and finally convinced him to take a few hours long nap.
In general whole day passed pretty quickly considering everything and it was about 10 o'clock when they all finally retired to their rooms. Ron and Harry shared one of the guest rooms, Bill moved into one with the Griphook to keep an eye on him, Luna was with Fleur and Hermione was alone… They all decided she needed rest the most.
Only, tonight, as she was lying in bed, tucked under the covers and stared at the small rounded window and the moon visible outside it became clear to her that she won't be able to fall asleep so easily. It was easier in the crowd once she got them to stop asking questions about how she was feeling. After having given it some thought she decided that she would feel better in a room full of people who didn't pay any attention to her, at all. That wasn't really an option.
The room she was in was practically nude. Only a bed, a creaky chair by the bed, few shelves and a cupboard, nothing more. Not even a clock. Or a book she could read.
She was starting to get annoyed by the fact that she was tired and that she couldn't sleep. Part of her was kind of grateful for that, because she could guess what kind of dreams she would be having if she let herself be lulled into sleep so easily.
Staring at the ceiling became a little boring and with some huffing and puffing she finally removed the covers and stood up from the bed. She tried looking through the window again but it was too dark outside, and not nearly as beautiful as in the morning. She kept getting the feeling that someone was watching her from that dark and shivered a little while stepping away from the window. Pacing around was the next best thing… If only the floor wasn't so creaky.
Hermione thought about everyone… About her parents, Harry, Hogwarts and everyone that was still there doing God knows what, the Weasleys and, of course, Ron. She wondered if he is ever going to be able to forgive himself. He had to. She needed him to.
More and more images of them appeared in her head... The compartment on the train, the fight with the troll, the Great Hall back at Hogwarts and his tireless chewing of everything that would be placed in front of him. The Yule Ball and Krum… Quiditch and Lavender Brown. Freshly moaned grass, new parchment and a spearmint toothpaste… And before she knew it she was crying with a few sobs and sometimes even through laughter. She looked downright mental, she decided. And then she pictured Ron saying that to her and almost burst out laughing when a soft thud on the door interrupted her…
Hermione hurried towards the door wiping away the rest of the tears and yanked them open before thinking twice. And there he was with a puzzled expression on his face.
"I…I was just, um… I was going down to get something to drink and I thought I heard the steps. You OK?", Ron asked confused.
Hermione stepped away from the doorway hiding her face in the shadow, nodding at first before trusting herself to speak.
"Yes", she replied absently. "I just couldn't sleep, that's all", she smiled faintly.
"Me neither", he said.
"Do you want to come in?"
Hermione startled herself with that question as much as she has startled Ron. It wasn't like that was the first time they saw each other in night clothes or to be in the same room after everyone has fallen asleep, but as she remembered what she was thinking when he knocked on the door, feeling in her chest was a bit heavier.
Ron gave it a short nod and entered the room closing the door behind him. He walked past her and sat on the creaky chair by the bed. Hermione watched him move around feeling a little ashamed for her state of undress. She never really paid attention when he looked at her and never saw the change of his expression from awkward to horrified.
"'Mione?", he breathed out and in two steps was now standing beside her. It happened so quickly that it made her gasp.
She looked up at him now hovering above her small body seeing nothing but some shadows and faint features because he has blocked the moonlight with his.
"You've been crying…", he stated sadly. "'Mione…", he started and reached for her cheek to wipe the tears away but she stepped away from the shadow and walked towards the bed wiping the remaining tears away with her hand.
"It's nothing… Really…", she said angrily as she sat on the bed.
Ron stayed there where she left him, with his back turned to her and only a part of his profile visible to her. She felt a lump began to forming in her throat.
"Ron –" , she wanted to apologize, but this time he was the one who interrupted her.
"How painful was it?", he asked her in a breath sounding completely serious.
It took her a moment to recover from the tone of his voice, blinked a few times and then cleared her throat.
"Ron, I wasn't crying because of that", she tried, "Really… it was noth –"
"Hermione…", he turned around to look at her and she felt like she was wearing absolutely nothing under his stare. As he started walking towards her again she brought her knees to her chest and crawled a bit closer to the wall.
Ron sat on the chair looking at her intently. Leaning forward so slowly, careful not to push her further away he took her left arm in his. She closed her eyes at the touch but more because of what was there, visible to him for the first time.
He traced his fingers slowly across the letters that spelled the foulest word gently like he could wipe them away.
"'Mione, please…", he asked again as he felt her shudder against his touch.
She shook her head slightly with her eyes still tightly shut.
"I need to know…", Ron pleaded.
"Why?", she snapped at him opening her eyes and let a newly formed tears fall onto her cheeks.
"Because,", he reached to touch her cheek and this time she didn't move, "Because I want to have that on my mind when I have my wand pointed at their ugly faces!"
Hermione looked at his set jaw and eyes that didn't match the expression. They had the depths of an ocean, emanating so many emotions and she fell apart under them. She jumped from the bed straight into his arms sobbing into his neck.
"It hurt like hell…", she stuttered through tears as she held her tightly to himself wanting to take all of her pain in himself. She was shaking and sobbing for what seemed like an eternity. Slowly she peeled away from Ron and faced him with timidly.
The moment passed, then another and her breathing wasn't becoming anymore even. Hermione's eyes were now shooting back and forth from his eyes to his lips. She would start leaning in and then stop midway. Finally, as she brought one of her hands and put in on his cheek she captured his lips with a warm, demanding kiss.
Ron stiffened under her, motionless for a second before he responded eagerly bringing her closer to him once again. They drank from each other, breathing from each other, breaking the kiss only for a swift moves to get better access.
Their breaths grew heavier and bounced off of the walls of a nearly empty room. The chair creaked again when Ron stood up from it with Hermione in his arms still kissing her. It felt like Heaven. He steadied them both onto their feet and finally broke the kiss to look at her while his chest rose and fell violently. Her cheeks were flushed, still wet from the tears and her lips slightly parted.
"I've waited half of my life to tell you how I feel and then you do this…", he began, "… and you just show me how hopeless I am".
Hermione felt thousands of butterflies soar through her stomach as he touched her cheek again to wipe away the remaining tears. She grabbed his T-shirt and pulled him in for another kiss knocking him of balance. He didn't really care. Swaying lightly on the floor she felt as the back of her knees hit the bed. She hesitated only for a moment before pulling them both down, him on top of her.
The inner sides of his palms were such opposites to the slightly cracked skin of the top. They were soft and warm with almost healing powers on her wounded skin. He touched her bare arms, her face, her exposed neck. The thin fabric of the night shirt wasn't a mach for the heat that emanated from his fingers every time he would lay them on it.
Her own hands roamed over his now much broader body, the twitching muscles of his back as she let him settle completely over her. As she pulled the hem of his shirt bringing it up he froze.
""Mione, I don't – " , Ron said with ragged voice, but Hermione pressed a finger against his lips.
"I do", she said. "And don't you dare, Ronald Weasley, deny me what easily could be my death wish".
She laughed over the fact that she has voiced out something like that. What happened to all of her inhibitions? But her laughter died on her lips as she caught a glimpse of his dead serious face. He swallowed hard. She might as well be telling the truth. This could be their first and last night together.
"But, what if it isn't?", he asked while his whole body protested . "What if we survive and you regret it?"
"Never", she replied bringing his face so close to hers that their lips nearly touched. Her own breath hitched in her throat as she felt his graze her lips. "Never, because I love you so damn much!"
She didn't give him any time to reply before bringing her head a bit higher sealing his lips with another kiss. He didn't have to say anything… She knew, without a hint of a doubt. She knew he was hers as much as she was his.
Ron put his arm under her back and brought her up in front of him… With shaky fingers her unbuttoned her night shirt and let it swung open letting out a gasp when it did. His eyes glued to his he put his hands at the ends of and removed it completely. Leaving her almost naked to his eyes he kissed every bruise and every scar on her body tracing her side with both of his hands before leaning forward pushing her back onto the pillow.
Taking of his shirt and pants he covered her with his own body.
"I have no idea what am I supposed to do", he whispered against her cheek.
Hermione shivered at the confession. It brought tears to her eyes… She didn't expect it to be different and yet it filled her with sense of security knowing that he will always hold her in the memory the same way she is going to hold him. No matter how long the memory will last.
"Just… Love me", she whispered back and kissed the spot between his neck and his chin.
And he did… Watching for her every breath, every little twitch of her face, any sign of pain she became his. He kissed away the tears from the corners of her eyes, mouthed that he's sorry and moved against her body the only way he knew how, while their eyes remained locked on each other's faces. With her arms caressing his back and his face touching hers Hermione realized she didn't care for the right tempo, or the right rhythm, or the perfect lover. She had who she wanted and that alone was enough to fill her with pleasure and help her forget all the pain she felt earlier. Every low gasp and moan she heard from him would send a wave of shivers down her spine causing her own body to adjust to a new sensation of belonging and surrender.
She felt him stiffen on top of her and he was undone with a low growl her silenced in the crook of her neck. Hermione closed her eyes and kissed the little spot near his ear whispering she loved him. He was shaking as he lifted up his head and said he loved her, too looking her straight into the eyes.
Moments later, when they have put parts and pieces of clothes back on she was Hermione was safely nested in Ron's arms. He hugged her closer to him as she lay her head on his bare chest and pulled covers over them. She heard his shallow breaths and a few heavy gulps and leaned over and kissed the spot just above his heart.
No matter what was bound to happen next she lulled herself to sleep with the soft thudding of his heart and the certainty that they have done everything right.
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A/N: OK… there it is. This is kind of the first thing I have ever written and I am having a sort of panic attack while posting it. It's practically a first draft, written in a few hours and without much reviewing.
Please, be kind and leave so much as a word of review just to let me know if I should continue writing this story.
