James stares at the wall in his bedroom, not really looking at much of anything. These past few weeks have really been taking their toll on him. He wants to die more than ever, and he's confused. He thought he was okay. That his life was slowly getting better. But, thanks to Nathan, his older brother, everything's falling apart.
He can't take any more of his brother's rages. Constantly, he's being called a worthless disappointment, berated and belittled with every step he takes. It's hard to keep the façade going. He's trying to appear strong to Kendall, Carlos, and Logan. Making it seem like nothing's wrong and everything's fine. That's not easy at all. Often, Kendall grills him, trying to figure out what's wrong. But James doesn't want to burden him, or anyone, for that matter, with his problems.
"JAMES!" The roar of his brother's voice drifts into his bedroom, not surprising James. He's gotten used to it by now. His brother's constant fury, the daily screaming. He's being pushed to the point of suicide, and he doesn't even think his brother cares.
That's not news. He doubts his brother would care if he was gone. He'd probably throw a goddamn party or something. Have fun. Because finally, the burden in his life is gone and he can move on, be happy, and follow his dreams.
Finally he makes his way into the living room, wincing at the sight of his furious sibling.
"James! You know what you got on your report card?! A fucking C! You can't get Cs! You're such a damn disappointment!"
James sighs, as another piece of him breaks inside. He is a disappointment. He should just go and kill himself, so maybe then, Nathan would be happy.
"Shut up, Nathan," James mutters, turning away from his brother, and walking toward his bedroom.
"Get back here, you brat!"
But James ignores him.
He sighs and begins to think about the life he's living. It hurts. He's overwhelmed by pain, and he just wants it all to end.
Why can't Nathan see what he's doing? He watched the abuse James suffered through. He comforted him then. And now, he's turning into his father.
James' worst nightmare.
Nathan becoming his father. He can't go through the countless years of abuse again. He just can't. His father's was enough to almost cause him to omit suicide. And Nathan's going down that same path.
He….he's at a point where he can't be helped anymore.
He misses Jenna. The twin sister he could tell anything. He loves her more than anything. Why'd she do this? Why did she leave him alone to deal with life? It hurts, and she's gone, and she's never coming back. The anniversary of her death is coming closer, and James just can't do this.
He's just done.
The only thing keeping him from finding his razor is the promise he made to his best friend.
I'm sorry for writing this.
