You're obviously a masochist – it is the only explanation.
You're obviously a psycho – it is the only reason.
You're in love – with him of all people.
If somebody were to ask you when it happened, you wouldn't be able to tell them. You cannot even begin the pinpoint the moment where the line between hatred and love started to blur – or had there ever been clarity there? You can't even explain why you feel like this. . . You just do.
Its killing you because you know its wrong. Are you a bad daughter for this? A bad sister? Is this what you'll always amount to?
If you were good to others and thought of family first, surely you wouldn't feel like this. . . Surely he is your family? But you don't love him like family because that would be weird; crazy; disgusting. If you loved him like a brother wouldn'tthisbeeasier?
God, you hate him. Why is he able to get away from this? Why can't he feel the same burden of emotions you do? Why can't he love you? Itisn'tfair! You wish he felt the same because then at least you'd know you weren't the only one – the only freak.
How dare he get away with not loving you back? If he did, it would be so much easier. . . wouldn't it?
Does he know? Do they all know? Do they all realise that you maybekindof love him – and by maybekindof you really mean somuchthatyoursoulaches? What is wrong with you? Do they know what is wrong with you?
It hurts because you think he may know because he may have figured it out and he so clearly doesn't feel the same way. Why else would he be calling you 'sis' all of a sudden? If he knew and felt it to, he'd act on it, right? So he doesn't like you back and that hurts. But you expected it because you are the freak who doesn't know what the word family means.
He is your brother; no he's your step-brother. But it is wrong. Onsomanylevels. You know its wrong because hey, if you liked Edwin like this it's be disgusting. But he isn't Edwin, he's not your brother like Edwin is.
Instead, he is infuriating, arrogant, annoying, loud, frustrating; Derek.
You're crazy. You've accepted it and if you can keep up the act of normalcy(whatevenisthat?) for another few months then you'll be gone and far away and not here and back on track to being not crazy. If you are a million miles away, you can't like him any more and you'll be yourself again. University will be your saviour. Remember that because otherwise you'll go crazy and do something stupid. Just wait.
A million miles won'tmakeadifference! Even if they did, you can't get away because he is following you. Why does he have to follow you?
You're going to Queen's, far enough from him that you can focus and stop thinkingpining after him like the lovesick fool you've become. It isn't going to work because he is going to Queen's – to make your life hell!
Does he hate you? He must really hate you! But you love him. God.
They want you to share an apartment with him. Dotheyhateyou?
You don't know how you're surviving. . . does everybody else see you like the mirror shows you? The dark marks around your eyes are getting darker – if that is even possible. Your hair is becoming messier and more unkempt – if that is even possible. Your heart is achingbreaking more – if that is even possible. Why do youlove him?
He's been bringing girls back to the apartment about three times a week. Threetimesaweek you get to sit in your bed, wide awake, listening to him doing everything with the faceless girls. Everything. Everything. Why can't he do everything with you? Why can't you be his everything? Why can't you have everything?
You've gone crazy – officially lost your mind. You told him. You don't know how. You don't know why. You just know that you did.
It was in the most heated argument yet and you shouted. Shouted so loud that fiveandahalfyears of furstrationcrazyangsthurt fell into threewordsofiloveyou. What is wrong with you? You've ruined everything! He'll never look at you the same. He'll never love you back – you are his (step)sister.
Avoiding him is working until you realise you live in the same house. Should you move out? But he's avoiding you too because you're crazy and stupid. He clearly doesn't feel the same way and you can't help but hate him for that – even though that is how it should be. Why couldn't you be like that? Why couldn't you not be infatuatedinlove with him? He's family. Damn it.
Mum says you look pale. George says you look tired. Lizzie says you look sad. Edwin says you look unkempt. Marti says you look broken. You say you look heartbroken.
Christmas break is nearly over and it was hard. You had to see him everyday, feel him close everyday. You tried to argue like you used to. You tried to ignore him like you used to. It was easier when you were in denial – ''tbecauseyou'reinlovewithyour(step)brother. When can you go back to school?
Mum wants to know whatswrongwithyou? An easier question would be to ask what isn't wrong with you. . . Everything is wrong because you're wrong. Nobody should be such a freak of nature. It hurts so much.
Iloveyou. I love you. I. Love. You.
Why is he doing this to you? Why is he lying? Why is he. . .
You are kissing him. You are kissing him. You are kissing him.
Is this a dream? When you wake up will you be more sad than before? Why is your brain tricking you like this? It is cruel and mean and maybe he is actually kissing you.
What is happening? Is this a prankjokelaugh at your expense just like old times?
You want to know what took him so long. You want to know he took approximatelyexactly five weeks to tell you.
But you know. You've always known because you went through it all. It took you five years of denial before you told him. Luckily for you, Derek condenses and is toodamnlazy to wait the same length of time. And so here you are – together.
Its still wrong and it still hurts and you are still the worstdaughtersisterfriend that ever existed. You're crazy and stupid and still can't explain why you feel like this – feel like this towards him. It is weird and odd which is expected considering everything is all blurry where the line has truly started to be blended into the background and barely exists any more.
Everything is good. You love him. He loves you. You are his everything and he is yours. It is going to be okay.
You're obviously a masochist – it is the only explanation.
You're obviously a psycho – it is the only reason.
You're in love – with him of all people.
