"Why the hell am I even watching this?" Blaine said to himself as he turned the TV off, that what standing on a program about financial stuff. But he didn't even care that he was watching a program he didn't care about for an hour.
He just had a crappy day. Finn was bogging him all day about how he was the leader and how Blaine should just let him give a pep-talk. Blaine knew what he was talking about and all he tried to do was help! He could just punch him in the face, right there, in the choir room . But he couldn't. He could control himself towards everyone. He could control himself towards Kurt.
Kurt, the only light at McKinley. If it wasn't for him, Blaine would have been long gone. Emotionally first then he would disappear from the world. If it wasn't for Kurt, Blaine would take his life. But now he had him, the one man who understood him and accepted him for who he was, anger problems and all. But even that must come to an end. Kurt will leave to New York in less than a year and Blaine would be alone, once more. The thoughts of his boyfriend leaving him didn't make him feel less miserable, it actually made him feel worse.
But he'll be stronger, for him, for Kurt. He won't lose himself, like he did before he met him. Because he knows, that if he does become weak again, Kurt will be devastated that he would be gone. So he won't give up, just for him. But if he was weak, he wouldn't know what to do. Boxing helps, but that's only temporary. And punching all your problems away won't help either. And if he would go cut again, Kurt would know. He always knew if there was a new one. Then he promised to stop, for him. But if he was gone, Blaine wasn't sure if he could keep his promise. It just helped to get the pain of Blaine's life go away. The pain of people saying he isn't good enough, always saying he isn't good enough. Whatever he did, if it was winning at polo, winning at Sectionals or Regionals, getting all good grades or being nice to everyone and helping wherever he could help them, it was never enough. But Kurt made him finally feel good enough and made him realize that he didn't care about what other people cared. And seeing his beautiful face every day made him remember that. But if he'll leave, he won't be remembered. He'll forget everything and go back to what it was before he met Kurt. Waking-up feeling like no one cared if he stayed there and die.
Blaine looked at the clock and realized he was lost in his thoughts for way to long. He stood up and went to bed, not even caring that he hadn't undressed or brushed his teeth. He laid in his bed, thinking about his life, eventually falling asleep. However, every hour or so he would wake up.
The nightmares had come back.
