None of the Characters belong to me, I'm just messing with them.
WARNINGS: This is my first attempt at fanfiction and I'm not a professional writer. Mild slash chapter 2 onwards. I haven't used any profanity that hasn't been heard on network TV. There aren't any explicit descriptions of sex/sexual acts so far and I don't think there will be. It's rated M just in case and for suggestive content. Also, if you are the type of person who does not like to see their favorite character maligned in any way you probably shouldn't read this. It's a parody, none of the characters are actually "in character". It's meant to be funny but I can understand if not everyone sees it that way. :)
EARTH
Chapter 1: Teyla
Atlantis had been on Earth for three days now, and Teyla Emmagen was getting very, very bored. Her live-in nanny and sexual slave, Kannan, was off playing nurse to their child, and the love of her life was off in a city called Washington D.C.. The ancestors only knew what the DC stood for. John may have mentioned it when Ronan asked, but she was so lost in his beautiful hazel eyes, that she barely heard anything past that he was leaving. That was two days ago. Two days without looking at his beautiful face, two days without hearing his melodic voice. Two horrible boring days outside of his presence. It was almost unbearable. The only thing that kept her sane was staring at the hundreds of pictures of John she'd gathered from various sources over the last five years. If Rodney ever found out that she'd stolen his photo album filled with still images of John captured from the various hidden cameras he'd meticulously hidden in her beloved's quarters and wash room, he'd be quite upset with her. But perhaps he would understand. He knew better than anyone else what it was like to lust after John Sheppard. Much like her relationship with Kannan, his relationship with Dr .Jennifer Keller was only a way to satisfy basic human needs. She wondered if he pictured John's face on Jennifer's body while they were engaged in sexual acts. She certainly did with Kannan. Sometimes Kannan would comment on how wild and sensual she was in bed, and how she really must love him if she could be so passionate with him. Little did he know that every time they were together, it was John's face she pictured as she rode him, John's body she saw writhing beneath her. She was getting aroused just thinking about it. She needed to get to her quarters so that she could once again gaze upon the pictures of her beloved, and relieve the heat building between her thighs. She'd recently stolen something called a vibrator from Dr Biro. It did wonders on such occasions when her desire for John was unbearable and Kannan was unavailable.
As she walked the halls of Atlantis on the way to her quarters, she once again pondered upon the ill fated series of events that left her playing mother to the child of a man she was only using as a means of sexual gratification; and not within the arms of her beloved. She remembered her excitement when she learned that that frigid shrew of a woman John had taken to bedding, Dr. Elizabeth Weir, had been abandoned to the replicators. She had hoped that once her arch-rival for her beloved John's affection was gone, the love of her life would come to her; seeking comfort in her bed. But it was not to be, that vile shrew, had sunk her vicious claws deep within the heart of her beloved. He had been inconsolable in his grief, and had thought only of finding her. He had spurned her advances to entice him into erotic acts, and had left her broken-hearted and in desperate need of sexual release. She had once again returned to that weak, simpleminded fool, Kannan, and in her haste to achieve sexual gratification, had failed to take the proper precautions to prevent the conception of a child. She had been beginning to tire of turning to the fool, when by a stroke of good fortune, she had discovered that all her people had gone missing. She had felt that surely then John would be hers. He would see how distraught she had pretended to be over her missing people, and he would surely come to her bed to console her; and then she could have claimed that the unfortunate child she had recently found she had been carrying was his. But again, it was not to be. He had merely gazed upon her with pity in his beautiful eyes, and had promised that he would do everything to find her people. His pity had seemed to turn to confusion warring with disgust when she had once again tried to seduce him with her feminine charms. He had told her that she should not have been thinking about him in that way while the father of her unborn child was missing, but had excused her behavior as a sign of grief. Once again, she had felt her heart break; with only pictures and her fingers to console her. It was then that she had turned to Ronan, a man she looked upon as a twin brother. But her desperation had been such that it no longer mattered. Ronan had also rebuffed her, but had confided to her that he too had an unrequited burning desire for John's touch; but had not yet been so desperate as to sleep with a woman he considered a sister. As if the overgrown oaf could ever have a chance with her beloved. Alone once again, she had only felt her ill fortune brighten when that despicable half-breed, Michael, had abducted her. For surely now her beloved would have realized how much she had meant to him, fly to her rescue, and profess his undying love for her. And fly to her rescue he did; and her hopes had sailed high, with the thoughts of erotic consummation in her mind. But alas, it was again not to be. Fore as they had made their way off that damnable ship they had run into that weak-willed fool, Kannan. She had been tempted to tell John to shoot him, but instead had pretended to be to be relieved to discover that that inbred idiot and survived, She had felt he might once again prove a useful sexual diversion and not to mention excellent nanny for their newborn child; thereby allowing her to continue her quest to try to seduce her beloved John into enjoying the various pleasures of the flesh with her.
And Kannan had proved useful to her in the past year; but she was again beginning to tire of him, and had recently begun to re-double her pursuit in the conquest of John. Why oh why, did he have to be in that Washington D.C for so long. At least now that he was away though, she would once again have the opportunity to sneak into his quarters and abscond several more pairs of soiled undergarments. She had meant to enter John's quarters earlier but Ronon had arrived before her and asked for some time alone with her beloved's things. The scent of John's unwashed undergarments drove her wild, and made her feel oh so much closer to him. But that would have to wait for later. She had reached her quarters at last, and now she could finally, begin her sexual self-enjoyment using Dr. Biro's stolen vibrator, and pictures of her beloved. At least she had that.
