Pairings: Torn/Jak, Torn/Ashelin, Keira/Jak, Jinx/Jak, Rayn/Jak, Tess/Daxter, Ashelin/Daxter (No, I am not kidding.), Sig/Tess, Erol/Keira, Razer/Jak, Pecker/Daxter (Again, not kidding!), G.T. Blitz/Rayn, Kor/Onin Samos/Onin, Seem/all the Ottsels, Jak/Vin, and somewhat Brutter/Jak… And probably more.
Warnings and Such: Extreme insanity. This means that there will be a lot of OOCness. And of course, slash pairings. So, if you don't like it, then don't read it!
LAST EDITED: July 13, 2007--I must admit, after having gone back over all this, that I'm a little ashamed of how it was. The grammar errors! The useless dialogue and descriptions! Argh! So painful to look at! Hopefully, this version of the chapter is better than the previous one.
Disclaimer: I own nothing… Except for some of the OC students… and I kinda regret owning them, anyway.
School of Jak
Chappeh One
Period One: Shooting Lessons with Jak
"He's late…"
"Where do you think he is?"
"I dunno… On a coffee break, probably…"
The story starts off in Haven City's gun course in the wee hours of the morning. Four kids, about eleven or twelve years old, were sitting together in the corner, blinking sleepily and looking kinda stupid. They were waiting for their teacher to arrive.
"What class is this again?" one of the students, a tall boy with blonde hair and freckles, asked after a moment of silence.
"My schedule said that this was shooting class," another boy, this one with dark curly hair, replied.
"You know, there are absolutely no girls in this class… Where are all the women at?" the third male student, a tall, muscular black boy, whined. He quickly received a sharp smack to the back of his head.
"I'M a woman!" snapped the girl who had smacked him. She was a short, skinny, plain little thing with thin, limp brown hair.
"Oh," said the boy sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his head. "Sorry about that. Didn't see ya there…"
The girl sighed. "That's okay… Sorry for hitting you."
"Don't worry about it."
And the four kids fell silent once more.
"…Well this sucks," the blonde boy finally said. The dark haired boy opened his mouth to reply, but at that moment, the teacher ran in, huffing and puffing. He stopped and leaned against the wall, trying to regain his breath.
The kids took in his wild appearance silently; his blonde hair (was that green they saw mixed in?), his unusual clothing, his goggles, and his… green goatee?
"…Sorry I'm late," the teacher, panting heavily, finally said once he had pulled himself together. He straightened up and smoothed his shirt out.
"Welcome to your first day of shooting class," he continued. "My name is Jak, but to you guys, it's Mr. Jak."
He paused to allow this information to sink in. The four idiots blinked up at him stupidly. Once he was sure they understood, he continued.
"Now then… I guess I'd better take the roll…" He began to dig around in his pockets, searching for the mini-electronic-attendance book that Keira had made for him… Actually, she'd made one for everyone, including herself, but we don't care about her. We're focusing on Jak right now.
The kids watched wearily as Jak began to pull random things out of his pockets, including a rubber chicken, a yo-yo, an exploding Praxis doll, a rubber ducky, a Play Elf magazine (he quickly shoved that into his back pocket when he realized what it was), a kangarat, his extra pair of underwear, a wrench, and some extra gun cartridges.
Five minutes later, Jak finally found the electric-attendance-book thing.
"Right," he said, shoving all the crap he had pulled out in his search back into his pockets. "The roll… er… how do you turn these things on…?"
The kids watched silently as he elf began to push random buttons and smack the device with the palm of his hand fruitlessly in an attempt to turn the device on.
"Screw it," Jak finally said, tossing the device over his shoulder. "I'll finish it later—" he stopped, puzzled. "Huh? Where's the rest of the class?"
The four students looked at each other blankly.
"I dunno," the girl finally said with a shrug. "We were the only ones who came in."
"Right," Jak said again. "That's okay, attendance will be easy… What're your names?"
"Mine's Jane," said the girl.
Jak looked startled. "Oh… You're a girl?"
"YES, I'm a girl," growled Jane, her eye twitching.
"Oh," Jak repeated. "I thought you were a guy with long hair… I wonder where all the other girls are…"
Jane growled again. Taking this as a bad sign, Jak quickly turned to the three boys.
"What's your name?" he asked the black boy.
"Eggbert," the boy replied. Everyone stared.
"…Eggbert?" Jak repeated.
Eggbert nodded proudly. "Yep. With two g's."
Jane snorted. "Wow. You're parents are cruel." Eggbert looked insulted.
"Hey! I like my name!" he said defensively. "It's a cool name!"
"Riiiiiiiiight…" Jak said slowly. "Next!" he turned to the tall, blonde haired boy. "And your name is…?"
"Gaylord."
Once again, everyone stared. Finally, Jane said, "Eggbert, I take back what I said earlier—this guy has cruel parents."
Jak turned to the dark haired boy. "And you are…?"
"(1)Jorge," the boy replied. Jane, Eggbert, and Gaylord all burst out laughing.
"D-did you say your name was WHORE-HEY?" cackled Eggbert.
"And I thought I had cruel parents!" Gaylord howled. Jorge bristled.
"No! It's Jorge! J-O-R-G-E!" he snapped. This only made the three idiots laugh harder.
Jak shook his head, muttering under his breath abut insane parents giving their children cruel names.
"ANYWAYS," he said loudly, interrupting the group's little laughing fest, "it's time to start the lesson. First thing's first—do any of you have any experience with a gun?"
Nobody raised their hands.
"Anyone…?"
The hands stayed down. Jak sighed.
"Water guns count…"
All four students raised their hands.
"Good," said Jak, nodding approvingly. "Very good. So all of you should at least know how to pull the trigger." He walked across the room and pulled four Scatter guns down off the shelf, motioning for the students to join him.
"I got a bad feeling about this," Whore-hey—er, I mean JORGE—muttered to Gaylord as they got up and walked over to Jak. The blonde nodded in agreement.
"These," said Jak as he handed a gun to each student, "are Scatter guns. They're short-ranged weapons, and kinda slow to reload, so you might not wanna use this if you're gonna raid a Metal Head nest…"
"Why would we wanna raid a Metal Head nest?" Jane asked curiously.
"Oh, we'll be doing that a lot later in the year," Jak replied nonchalantly.
"WHAT?" shouted the kids.
"Yeah, doesn't that sound cool?" Jak said cheerfully. "You'll probably be doing that in some of your other classes as well…"
"Oh Mar, we're gonna die," whimpered Eggbert.
Jak snorted and rolled his eyes. "You're not gonna die! Look at me—I've raided Metal Head nests thousands of times, and I'm still here."
"Well, yeah—you're the star of a best-selling videogame series," Gaylord reminded. "So you can't really die."
It got quiet once again. Eggbert coughed. Jorge shifted uncomfortably. A flier for a Class 3 race rolled by on the non-existent wind.
"…Whatever," Jak finally said. "Back to the lesson—"
At that moment, a short, pale, and creepy looking elf with bright orange hair and tattoos all over his face barged into the room, looking extremely pissed. This was Erol, the Driver's Ed. teacher.
"YOU!" screeched Erol, pointing a trembling finger at Jak. "YOU!"
Jak blinked. "Oh, hi Erol," he said. "What a pleasant surprise."
Erol's eye twitched.
Jane nudged Gaylord. "Isn't he—" she pointed to Jak "—supposed to hate him?" she nodded towards Erol.
"Eh, this is a fanfic written by a bored person," Gaylord replied with a shrug. "So it doesn't have to be in character."
"I know what you're planning!" Erol shouted suddenly.
Jak blinked. "Huh?"
"I won't let you get away with it," the ex-commander continued. "She WILL be mine! MINE!"
"What are you talking about?" cried the confused blonde renegade.
"Keira, you twit!" Erol screeched. "I'm talking about KEIRA!"
"…Oh," Jak said, blinking. Erol's eye twitched.
"Is that all you have to say?" he asked in the best calm voice he could muster.
"…Pretty much."
Erol yanked at his hair and screamed in frustration. "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" And with that, he stalked out the door.
"O-kay," Jak said, blinking after him. "That was… interesting…"
Meanwhile, up in the Main Office...
Daxter stretched his arms above his head and yawned, kicking back in his chair—a difficult thing to do, seeing as how he was also sitting on a bunch of books.
Life was good. His woman had been turned into an ottsel, he was a Precursor--a freakin' Precursor, mind you!--he was the head-secretary-ottsel of the office, and best of all, he now had pants! Life couldn't get much better than this.
He suddenly grinned evilly.
Well… maybe it could…
The ottsel quickly grabbed the mic for the PA system and pressed the red button. The PA system crackled to life.
"Attention, peeps," the ottsel said, his nasally voice ringing throughout the school campus. "Welcome to your first—"
"Daxter!" Tess called in a sing-song voice, hopping up onto his desk. "We're out of pizza, an' you n' me haven't had any time together today, an'—what're you doing?"
"Sssh!" said Daxter, forgetting to cover the mic, leaving everyone on the campus to hear their conversation. "I'm talkin' to the school, sugar. Gimme a minute—"
"Oooooo!" Tess squealed. "Can I say something? Can I, can I, can I?" She was literally bouncing up and down in excitement.
"Maybe later, babe," Daxter replied. "I kinda need to make an important announcement.
"Okay," Tess chirped. "But what do ya want on your pizza? I'm callin' in."
"CHEESE," drooled the ottsel. "Lotsa cheese! And pepperoni! And some of those anchovi things! And pineapple slices!"
Tess giggled, kissed her little 'whisker-puss' on the cheek, and skipped away happily.
Daxter turned back to the mic. "As I was saying… Welcome to your first day of school! I am the head secretary ottsel of this office--that means that I practically RULE this school! The name's Orange Lightening, and don't you forget it!"
Over at the gun course, Jak sighed. He still couldn't figure out how they'd managed to hook the PA system up to all the classrooms, which were spread out to all over the city. Heck, they weren't just in Haven either—they were also in Spargus City, Kras City, and the Precursor Temple!
It had to be Vin. Vin was probably the one who did all this. He could do anything… Jak felt a huge blush settle across his face as his mind drifted off to another daydream involving him, Vin, and a ball of yarn. (Trust me when I say that you do not want me to go into detail.) He got so caught up in his little fantasy that he didn't even notice when Eggbert accidentally shot him in the ass, or when Jorge accidentally shot himself in the face.
Didn't matter anyway… The kids couldn't die. They're needed in the story, so they'll just keep coming back from the dead.
Anyways, back to the office…
"I have an important announcement," Daxter declared importantly, "about Erol, the Driver's Ed. teacher. He's actually gay! And he and Torn, the boy's ROTC teacher, are makin' out in the janitor's closet at this very moment!"
At that moment, two howls of rage drifted across the city. Daxter paid them no mind.
"So if you're a guy and you have Driver's Ed., watch out! Erol's a sex maniac, and Torn ain't enough to satisfy him."
BAM!
Daxter eeped. Torn and Erol stood in the doorway, both looking completely outraged.
"Hehe… Hey guys," Daxter laughed nervously. "Hehe… so… how 'bout that race last night, eh? Heh… Hehehe… Heh…"
The two "lovers" began to stalk towards him menacingly.
The ottsel gulped. "Now boys, let's not get violent! It was all fun and games… right?"
"OW! YEOWCH! EEP! I DON'T THINK THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BEND LIKE THA—ACK! MY ARM!"
Jak and his class listened silently as Daxter got the living shit kicked out of him.
"Looks like he forgot to turn the mic off," Jak observed.
"Um, sir? Don't you think you should bandage that up?" Gaylord suggested timidly, gesturing towards Jak's butt wound.
"Yeah, Jane's really good with bandages," Eggbert chimed in, jerking his thumb over to Jane, who was busy wrapping up Jorge's head.
Jak blinked and looked down at his butt, which was oozing blood. "Oh… look at that…" he said blankly.
Then he let out a high-pitched, girly scream and proceeded to run around the room in circles, clutching his butt.
The kids watched all this silently.
"You know, after this, I'm kinda scared to see what our next class is gonna be like," Jane finally said.
Jorge gave a muffled grunt of agreement.
Period Two: Outdoor Living with Samos
A short while later, the kids found themselves in a lush, green forest under a big ol' tree. It was very peaceful.
Jorge wasn't very happy, however. His nose itched. Unfortunately, he could not scratch it, as his head was still bandaged up. And he absolutely refused to let anyone try to scratch it with a pencil (which was the only thing that could get through the bandages), as he was scared that they might poke his eye out.
So he was left to emit muffled groans of unhappiness and to think evil thoughts.
"Oh, do shut up, Whore-hey," Jane, who was sprawled out near the base of the tree, finally said after listening to him for twenty minutes.
"MM MHMM MHN'M MMHRM-MMH!" Jorge shouted from beneath his bandages. Unfortunately, no one could understand him, and I am sure you can't either, so I'll translate. "MM MHMM MHN'M MMHRM-MMH!" means "MY NAME ISN'T WHORE-HEY!"
Everyone ignored him, much to his dismay.
"This teacher's late, too," Eggbert announced after a moment of silence.
"No shit, sherlock!" Gaylord snapped, tossing a handful of grass at the boy named after an egg named Bert.
Eggbert, in turn, scowled and tossed a handful of grass at the boy named after a gay lord.
And before they knew it, the two idiots were engaged in a huge grass-tossing war. Innocent blades of grass flew everywhere in the onslaught. Poor grass…
Jane watched this silently. Jorge groaned some more.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
Everyone jumped, looking around wildly. That's when they saw the teacher.
He was old. He was VERY old. He had green skin, and one of his eyes was bigger than the other. Oh wait… That was just his glasses. He had a long white beard, and unless they were mistaken, his long white hair was wrapped around a log. Yes, that's right, a log. There was a very pretty blue and yellow bird sitting on the log, chirping. Such a happy bird for such a unhappy elf…
"WHAT'RE YOU DOING?" the teacher screeched again. This was Samos, the Green Sage. He was also the Outdoor Living teacher. And he was PISSED.
"Um… playing?" Eggbert said weakly.
BONK!
Eggbert fell over, dazed. A lovely lump, courtesy of Samos's Almighty-and-Powerful-Stick-of-DOOM, was slowly rising on his head. Samos stood over him, breathing hard.
The sage whirled around to the remaining three, a manic gleam in his eyes.
"DON'T YOU EVER HARM THE GRASS!" he roared, brandishing his stick. "DON'T YOU EVER HARM ANY PLANT, PERIOD! PLANTS HAVE FEELINGS TOO! HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU WERE SUDDENLY YANKED UP AND THROWN EVERYWHERE?" The three idiots cowered.
"Hey, Gaylord was doing it, too!" Eggbert protested weakly, propping himself up on his elbows. "He was pulling the grass out, too!"
BONK!
Eggbert fell over once more.
"HA!" Gaylord crowed, pointing at his fallen friend.
BONK!
Gaylord joined his friend on the ground. Samos turned to Jane and Jorge menacingly.
"Either one of you wanna join 'em?" he growled, raising his stick threateningly. Jane and Jorge shook their heads furiously, cowering still.
"Good," Samos sniffed before looking back down at Eggbert and Gaylord. "You two," he growled, "are going to apologize to the poor grass for treating it so badly!"
"I ain't apologizing to no grass!" Gaylord protested.
BONK!
"YES, you will!" shouted Samos. "Unless you want another piece of this!" He waved his stick under Gaylord's nose. The blonde whimpered unhappily.
Ten minutes later, after being forced to give a lengthy, long-winded apology to the grass, Eggbert and Gaylord found themselves sitting beside their two friends under the tree, sporting lovely lumps upon their noggins. Samos, having calmed down dramatically, stood in front of them.
"Now then," he said pleasantly. "Let's get down to business…" He reached into his pocket and pulled out one of those electric attendance book devices.
"Okay…" he muttered to himself as he began to fiddle around with it. "How do you turn these things on…?"
He then began to do what Jak had done, pressing random buttons and smacking the device with his palm. The device remained unresponsive.
"It's deja-vu all over again," Eggbert muttered to Jane, who nodded in agreement.
Samos swore and began to smash it against the tree, but the device's response was to just start spewing sparks. "Oh, whatever!" he finally huffed, throwing the device over his shoulder. It flipped in the air a few times before landing on a pointy rock and breaking into a bunch of pieces.
"Hey… there are no girls in this class," Samos suddenly said, blinking.
"I'm a girl," said Jane, but Samos didn't seem to hear her.
"Huh… That's odd… I wonder where all the girls are…"
"I'M a girl!" Jane repeated, louder this time. Samos still didn't seem to hear her.
"I could've sworn there was supposed to be girls in this class…" he continued to mutter.
"I'M A GIRL! MY NAME IS JANE! I HAVE LONG HAIR AND A SQUEAKY VOICE! AND I HAVE BOOBS! BOOBS, I TELL YOU!" Jane screeched, yanking at her hair in frustration. The boys jumped. Samos blinked. (Jorge was quite tempted to inform her that she was actually flat-chested, but decided against it. And even if he did, it was doubtful that anyone would've been able to understand him, giving his current bandaged state.)
"Oh," he said blankly. "I thought you were a boy… Sorry about that."
Jane's eye twitched for the hundredth time that day as she growled. Samos merely shrugged and turned to the three boys. "And what are your names?"
"Eggbert."
"Gaylord—and he's Whore-hey."
"MMHMM!" ("JORGE!")
Samos blinked a couple times. "What cruel parents you have," he finally said. "And why in Precursor's name is that boy's head all wrapped up?" He gestured to the fuming Jorge.
"He shot himself in the face in shooting class," said Jane.
"Yeah, and I shot the teacher in his butt!" Eggbert chimed in proudly.
Samos stared. "You shot Jak in the…?"
"Uh-huh!" Eggbert nodded. Samos sighed.
"He was probably daydreaming about Vin again," he muttered, shaking his head. "That boy would lose his head if it wasn't attached to his shoulders… No matter… Now then," he straightened up importantly to his full height of four feet, three inches. "I am Samos, the Green Sage. You will address me as Professor Samos. Is that clear?"
"Yes," the four students answered obediently.
"Yes what?"
"Yes Professor Samos."
"Good. Now, on to the basics…"
(1)THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! Jorge is a Spanish name, and it really does sound like Whore-hey. This is important for the rest of the story, so don't forget it!
Like it? Hate it? Thought it was okay? Lemme know. Criticism is always welcome!
