*Sigh.* When I first joined this site, I had planed to never write a Frozen fan fiction. Then I started reading them. Then my brain started coming up with new ideas to write about. Then I started writing them. This is the product of one of those ideas. So here I am writing a Frozen fan fiction, one of several now.
Anyway, I think that's enough self depreciation on my part. I am really liking this story though already, even though it's all in my head...
This chapter is the first of many, but it's sort of like a prologue, but not really. It just has that feel.
Just a fair warning, this story will be slow to update. It's just how I am. Sorry.
Disclaimer: I do not own Frozen.
Edited on 12/18/15
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Painful, the heart will be
When it learns,
That it can never yearn,
For the touch of another soul,
Even if it could be remade whole.
Shattered, the mind will be,
When it understands,
Nothing can touch your hands,
And that in saving another's life,
It will bring nothing but strife.
"The Cost of Safety" Part 1-
by Galen Cook (aka OrangeGalen)
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Four years.
Four long years.
Four years since the ballroom accident.
Four years since she last saw her sister.
Four years since she last had kind, loving physical contact with another person other than her father and mother.
Elsa leaned against the windowsill, looking out through the glass, her gentle breathing fogging up what little view she had left. Frost was slowly creeping along the bottom edges of the window in frozen fractal patterns, creating a quiet crinkling sound every few minutes with the change, and for once it wasn't her fault from losing control. The frost was completely natural, caused by Mother Nature's seasons.
I know that the world rotates and moves around the sun, and that's what causes the day to become night, and for the seasons to change, and for the years to pass, Elsa thought. And I watch them all from this window as they pass by, unable to do anything about it. I wish everyday that I could change like the seasons; then maybe I won't have to worry about hurting anybody with my... my curse.
It was the dead middle of winter in Arendelle; New Years Eve to be exact, and snow was falling outside piling up in decent sized drifts, faster than they could be cleared away. Not that anybody minded right then as they were all inside. A white blanket covered the town, making the streets and rooftops glitter like diamonds in the moonlight. For the citizens of Arendelle, every footstep taken outside caused the ground to crunch like a fresh stack of crackers from the new powder of snow and ice.
As Elsa's gaze shifted through the window, she could see little black dots which were people moving around further in the city across the bridge that led to the castle. Other non-royal, normal people were out enjoying the snow, enjoying the wintertime, enjoying each other's company without worrying about anything. Being with other people, staying in contact. Couples walked hand in hand underneath the lanterns that lined the roads, looking into the shops for gifts to give each other or just enjoying the sights. Children were frolicking around throwing snowballs at each other or building snowmen in the short time they had left before their parents called them in to bed.
She remembered a time like that, when she and Anna had fun in the snow.
A time when she was allowed to laugh and play and hug people without hurting them.
When her father's voice used to be stern but friendly and caring at the same time.
But that was before that night…
Elsa blinked away sudden tears and laid her head against the cold window, not noticing the now rapidly freezing glass, and sighed deeply in misery. The coldness of the void in her heart more than made up for the difference in temperature, not that she cared anyway.
Four years.
Four years since she nearly killed her sister.
Four years since she went into a forced self-isolation.
Four years since she had a friend to talk to, to play with, to build a snowman with.
It had been a hard four years for Elsa. The only people she's seen were her select few tutors for her education that were sworn to secrecy about what happens inside the royal castle and her parents. They all taught her how to behave, think, and act like a queen, since she was next in line for the Arendelle throne. A few all too brief hours were all that she had outside her room; a few hours a day with her tutors to learn everything before she deliberately shut herself back into her room to protect the world from herself. She actually considered that time to be lucky, that she was able to conceal her curse for that long without freezing a table, without causing a snowstorm inside a room.
Without hurting anybody else.
As a distraction, she dove into her studies as a blessed relief as a way to help keep her mind off the curse. She shined in all her subjects: mathematics, science, languages, everything, and her tutors phrased her for her progress, claiming that she would outsmart them at one point if she continued at her current pace. She was only getting better, since that was all that was allowed for her.
Her parents publicly insisted to the limited staff that she would make an excellent queen someday. She excelled in etiquette and manners, grasped the concepts of relations with other nations easily, and for all appearances was a shrewd diplomat if need be. She memorized important documents, and knew most of Arendelle's history by heart.
But she knew it was all an act, and she knew her parents knew that as well, especially her father. The façade she put on for her tutors evaporated the moment she was alone back in her room with nothing to do. Once alone all her fears of losing what seemed to be a diminishing amount of control came back to her stronger than ever. As she got older, she could feel the magic, the curse, getting stronger, more powerful. When she was alone, which was the majority of each and every day, it took all of her willpower and a tight reign on her emotions to prevent the frost from growing beneath her feet as she endlessly paced. Some days were better than others and she could almost enjoy being with her parents, her tutors.
But her fear gnawed on, ever hungry in the back of her mind. She was afraid. Alone, she often huddled in a corner of her room or in her bed as she tried to fight it. She closed her eyes and tried to block out the growing feeling of cold growing in he room, pretending it wasn't there, wishing that it would go away. But when she could feel the frost spreading across the floor, the room becoming colder, icicles forming on her bedposts, she curled upon herself even more and repeated her personal mantra.
Even when she gave the appearance of utmost attention to her tutors, there was a part of her that overrode everything else, chanting to herself in a repeating rhythm, an endless drum beat, of commands, of orders that were said by both her father and herself: Conceal, don't feel. Conceal, don't feel. Conceal, don't feel.
Sometimes she thought she almost had it. Thought that she had found a way to control it. Sometimes she would go hours without worrying about her curse and actually let herself feel something.
Then her father would knock on the door and come in…
Then the ice would spread and grow and grow for as long as he was in there.
Then he would leave and Elsa would either go back to her corner or tare into her studies, depending on whether how strong she felt after he left.
She loved her father… but there was something else underlying that love that made her hesitate and grow weary.
On these days, she sometimes caught herself talking to her reflection in the mirror. Starved of real human interaction not based around studies and etiquette, of a human voice to actually have a conversation with in all the hours and days spent inside her isolation, other than the droning voices of her tutor's lessons or her father's 'reprimands', she started talking to herself. Then she would realize it was only her reflection and stop.
She started when she was ten. Two years after that night she started saying little comments, such as, "where did I put that," or "there must be something else to do," usually only to herself. Comments that we all make from time to time. But as more and more years went by, she started saying full sentences out loud, just to hear a voice. Then she would hold conversations in her mind, sometimes only doing half the conversation and then pause, waiting for a voice, a response that would never come before continuing on.
Then, one day, she was passing by her full-length mirror and saw her reflection. It was the first time in a while that she actually looked at herself. She was a young teenager and her body was showing the changes with her growing bust and widening hips. She was actually quite shocked to see that she looked like a normal human being, something that could pass as an ordinary person. Then she saw her eyes in the reflection and just for a moment, pretended that her reflection was somebody different and started talking, an endless stream of thoughts that came to mind, and she just said them out loud and only stopped when she heard footsteps from a servant bringing her evening meal outside her door.
Fear once again drove her to hide what she had discovered.
As days went by, she started having full conversations with her reflection, answering her own questions and replying back like she was talking to another person, one that would not look at her like an abomination, like a monster, or at least even royalty.
She would talk, all the while wishing that her reflection would talk back, that it would answer with something she didn't know. All the while wishing that it were Anna she was talking to, and not her own reflection.
Anna had her pictures in the gallery; Elsa had her mirror in her room.
Four years.
Four years since she first heard her new life motto.
Four years of closed gates and closed doors.
Four years of ignoring the voices on the other side of her frost covered door and in her own head.
Elsa looked up again and saw a group of people in the town center dancing to an inaudible melody, happy and carefree. A large group had gathered and as Elsa watched, she could almost imagine the sounds of the music, the cheering of the people, and the applause after the musicians were finished. Currently she could see only a single person wrapped in a cloak playing the fiddle in the center, or was it the violin? Elsa didn't know the difference, as it wasn't part of her studies to learn music. When she was younger she used to play the piano with her mother, but after she accidentally froze the last piano she was barred from learning any more and the pianos were thrown out of the castle. Anything that she learned had been forgotten in the following years, crushed by the weight of her other, more useful studies.
After a few minutes of watching, the soloist bowed finishing their song and crowd broke up cheering and retiring for the night. The soloist stayed collecting the money that had been offered and packing up. For a moment Elsa swore he (or she) looked up at the castle, specifically her window before leaving. She shook her head, "I must have been imagining it."
It's been so long since we had a concert in the castle, Elsa thought, it would be nice to hear music from an orchestra again, or a soloist, or even singing. It would be nice to be around people without worrying that I might hurt them. But that can't happen. That can never happen. I always need to be alone.
Elsa sighed again and withdrew herself from the window ledge. She was twelve now, and needed to stop focusing on childish daydreams… or so her father said. He yelled at her once when he found her with a "pointless fantasy book" when she should have been studying. It was only Iduna's intervention that she was allowed to keep any of those books in her room. All the ones that had 'good' characters with magic in them were removed however; Agnarr made sure of that. It took the rest of the day for the ice to melt after they left.
She wandered over to the other side of her room and picked up a book without looking at the title from the bookcase. It's probably either a mathematical or historical book or some story or another with heroes who always win, villains who are constantly beaten, and the princesses always getting saved. I've read them all, several times. I've had time to.
All too much time alone in my room fighting my curse. Myself.
She sat down on her bed and gently opened the book at the beginning. Of course it would be this one, she thought, the one where the prince fights a dragon to save a princess from a curse laid upon her. Elsa gave a sullen chuckle at the irony. The only differences are that there is no prince, no dragon, and my curse wasn't cast by some witch. And there is no hope of me getting saved from it.
She closed the book, slamming it shut, and fell against her bed with an un-princess like groan. Why? Why did it have to be me? The daughter of a King? The one who will inherit the throne in time? Anybody else could probably control this curse, but not me. I can't control it, I can't contain it, and the only reason it's concealed is because I am. It keeps getting stronger. I can't be around anyone. I could hurt them like I did to Anna that night. I could kill them. I'll be labeled as a… a monster like father keeps telling me I will be. Because that is what I am really: a monster. I need to be alone for other people's sakes.
The window was now completely frosted over, and it came from the inside as well. And the growing frost wasn't confined to the window. The floor started to become white and glittery, and the ice started traveling up the walls. Elsa sat up and noticed that the book she was gripping had almost been completely covered in ice crystals. She gasped and dropped the book on the floor and it landed with a loud crunching sound. Elsa brought up her knees and curled up on her bed, rocking back and forth in despair. Even with the gloves it's not enough. It's getting stronger. I can't control it. She looked at the ice on the walls, pleading, Please, please; just go away, she thought, panic starting to overcome her.
She remembered a few hours ago how her father came in to 'check up' on her, and to make a few things clear…
(Flashback)
Elsa was almost in the same position at the window, looking out over Arendelle. The sun hadn't set yet so Elsa could see the entire city glowing with an orange light. The sky was a brilliant array of yellow, pink, and orange, lighting up the world and the snow still leftover from last night's deposit. The streets had been cleared away so people were walking around while they still had time before the sun set and the snow started falling again. The sun had almost gone down, but Elsa looked on, waiting for it to disappear.
Tonight will be New Year's Eve! That means I can have a fresh start, another year to learn how to control my powers… Elsa paused, no, my curse. Father says it's not a curse, but I can see the lie in his eyes. He knows that it's a curse. He just doesn't say it.
She sighed and moved away from the window, taking a seat at her desk and reading her Latin language book. Since it was the holidays, her tutors were currently on holiday leave from the castle, leaving Elsa to read up on future lessons for when they came back, although Elsa wouldn't blame them for leaving if they knew the truth about her. Some did and had to be replaced. Others had suspicions and treated her with veiled caution
There was a knock on her door, signaling whom it was before Elsa even heard them, or him in this case, speak. There were only two people that knocked like that: the servants or her father. She stood up and cleared out her throat, "Enter." She said quickly, remembering one time when she had a break down and said "no" to her father. He didn't take kindly to that at all.
The door opened and Elsa's father, Agnarr, the King of Arendelle, was inside her room in a second, closing the door behind him, to prevent anyone passing by from seeing inside the room that held Arendelle's royal family's greatest secret.
"Hello Elsa," he said softly.
"Hello Father," she responded, fighting to keep her head level and eyes up instead of ducking her head and staring at the ground. Once she had actually started training for the throne, her father broke her of that habit quickly. "A Princess or Queen doesn't look down for others; it shows weakness," he said. "Control is what you need, and also what you need to learn."
Her father gave a passing glance over the room that in any other company could have passed for a casual one-over. But Elsa knew what he was looking for: any evidence of her powers gone out of control, an excuse to go off on her again.
Well he won't find any, Elsa thought a little smugly, then squashed the emotion, as it was unbecoming of a princess. But she had been extra careful to keep her curse under control today and had succeeded in doing so. The room hadn't even gotten cold… excluding natural weather.
Her father finished his inspection and there was a strange look on his face when he didn't find anything. Was it relief, or disappointment? "As you know, today is New Year's Eve. A new year to start again," he said.
"Yes, I am aware of that."
Her father was silent for a moment longer and looked out Elsa's window, hands behind his back in a regal pose. He seemed lost in thought as he looked out onto the fjord. Then he said, "I remember coming into this room last year this time and finding it coated with ice. I was most displeased."
Elsa's face betrayed nothing that was going on in her mind. She still remembered the thunderous voice that sounded so unlike her father but still came from his mouth. It terrified her.
"So I'm pleasantly surprised that this time your room isn't covered in your… powers," he said, pausing to think of an appropriate word.
"I've been trying to keep it under control, and I think it's getting better," Elsa said hesitantly.
"No," Agnarr said sharply, making Elsa flinch, "don't make it better, make it perfect. You're growing older and the sooner you can control your powers, the sooner you can be free of them." He took a breath, "It's the start of a new year, Elsa. I want this year to be perfect. No ice, no snow, no frost. Not even a dip in temperature because if there is, then I know you still don't have control. Then I'll have to do something about it."
Elsa shivered, not from any cold except the coldness in her father's voice.
"I'll… I'll see what I can do," Elsa said, hiding the fear in her voice but not the hesitation.
Her father turned to look at her, and they gazed at each other in silence, before he gave a small smile and said, "That's all I ask for." He turned to leave and just as he was about to open the door, he said, "I love you Elsa, I hope you know that."
Elsa smiled as well and said, "I know, and I love you too." For some reason it sounded false to her, even though she meant it.
Then the door closed and Elsa tried to get back to her studies, unaware or deliberately ignoring the slight coating of frost that covered the floor where her feet were a few seconds ago.
(End Flashback)
Please, please go away, Elsa thought. The ice started growing again, faster in it's pace. It was almost halfway up the wallpaper by now and showed no signs of stopping, no signs of hearing Elsa's pleas. She curled up on herself even more, closing her eyes, wishing that the ice would go away. Conceal it, don't feel it. Don't let it show.
Suddenly there was a different sound. A sound other than the slight crackling of ice meeting the wooden floorboards. A sound that made Elsa's eyes shoot open with both happiness and dread.
*Knock knock kno-knock knock.*
No, she thought in despair, not now. Not now, why now? Please not now.
"Elsa?" Came a slightly muffled voice on the other side of the closed door. It was a young girl's voice, around the age of nine, full of perkiness and a tiny bit of hope that her sister, who had been hiding for four years, will finally come out of her room; that in the first time in forever the closed door will open and the two will see each other.
No, please, don't start Anna, Elsa thought. It kills me a bit every time I have to do this to you.
But her pleas never left her silent mouth, never were heard outside her own mind except in her sobs. Anna on the other hand, went along with what she wanted to say, oblivious to Elsa's torment.
~"Do you wanna build a snowman?
And pass the time away till night?
I want to stay awake
Let's give ourselves a break
We need to reunite!
I wish you were here with me
To wait for next year
It's only a few hours away.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
It doesn't have to be a snowman…"~
Anna's voice became more muffled on that last line when Elsa knew that she pressed her mouth against the keyhole, like she had started to so many years ago. Almost immediately actually, once the door closed.
Elsa scrunched up her face, trying to keep her tears from streaming down her cheeks. She had to say this next part, no matter what it cost her, no matter how much it hurt.
"Go away Anna!"
There was silence on the other side of the door, some shuffling, then a dejected, "Okay, bye…"
Quiet footsteps retreated from the door, almost inaudible, but Elsa heard each one, and each one felt like a hammer hitting a chisel to split Elsa's heart into pieces. Elsa couldn't hold it in anymore, she cried. All her torn emotions poured out through her tears. She cried to have to torture Anna like this. She cried because she couldn't control her curse. She cried because she was all alone. And finally she cried because she had nobody. Nobody to talk to, nobody to comfort her, nobody that could look at her without fear. Nobody.
Frost and ice completely covered the room, regardless of her will, regardless of her father's veiled threats.
Four years.
Four years since she held Anna's hand.
Four years since they laughed, giggled, and played together.
Four years of forcing Anna away for her own good.
So like last year, and the year before that, and twice before that, Elsa cried herself to sleep that night on New Years Eve.
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Well, that's the beginning of Elsa's Phantom. Like it? Please let me know what you think. In the future there will be not-so-subtle crossover elements to it; it's just enough so that I can say it is, but not close enough to warrant this to be put in the crossover section. I'll leave you to guess what the crossover will be...
You probably have it figured out, don't you... (*grumble grumble*)
Anyway, if you liked it please, Read, Review, Favorite, and Follow! (R.R.F.F) for short.
Until then
-OrangeGalen
