Title: Planet Mud Author: Jakisbishlygay Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis Rating: R-ish Word Count: 2062 Pairing: John/Rodney/Carson (sort of)
Spoilers for: nothing at all Warnings: This is crack!fic. More importantly, this is SLASH crack!fic. Summary: Note to self: too much coffee. Do I have anymore chocolate//After the heroic battle with the Mud Puddle From Hell, tired, undefeated, and kinda muddy, we moved forward on our battle to trade things and do that "hey, you fight the Wraith, we fight the Wraith, we should make an alliance" speech.

This is all McKay's POV

/It was a dark and stormy night. /

Oh Jesus Rodney! It's just a mission report, not a novel written by Snoopy.

/Upon arrival on PX-666, the devil appeared and granted us each three wishes./

What the fuck was that? John would like that, but Elizabeth would sure as hell, no pun intended, won't. Oh come on! Dr. Rodney McKay, genius, astrophysicist, WRITE THE DAMN MISSION REPORT!

/PX- 420 is a wonderful planet. Its planetary orbit and distance from its binary sun's makes it a nice place for a vacation. Need some water? We got rain! Tired of that damn temperature where you are perfectly comfortable? We have freezing cold snow when it's not raining, so go grab your sleds kiddies! Do you ever feel like the ground you walk on is too hard? Come on over to planet mud! We just can't get rid of it! Cold caves with creepy phallic art? You won't believe your eyes//

Rodney, I, am a smart man, thus I should know that writing a vacation brochure to planet hell would get me killed by many Marines who were dumb enough to go there...

Come on McKay, get a hold of your thoughts and stop thinking in run on sentences! Coffee, yes! Coffee is what I need! Yummy… that's it, good coffee, work your way into my brain and take over my precious. Why am I Gollum all of a sudden?

Kay, we need a new strategy McKay. Don't worry about the intro, no one reads them anyway. Just focus on the major events that happened.

/Approximately fifteen meters from the 'Gate, Ronon lost his footing and fell flat on his face into the mud. There was a loud 'thud' that erupted from him. While trying not to laugh hysterically, or at least trying not to show his laughter, our heroic Colonel attempted to rescue his fallen comrade from the great depths of this vast mud puddle. But, alas, the great Lt. Col. Harry Potter Hair himself fell victim to the slippery wet soil. Translation to all you military jarheads who are reading this and praying that you find some useful weapons, I am answering your prayers. I recommend throwing mud at the Goa'uld/Wraith/Ori because if it can make Col. Poofy Hair fall flat on his ass, it can take out anyone. But, strangely enough, John's hair didn't move an inch during this fiasco.

Seeing my friends, my teammates, my compadres, my buddies, and my family in need I decided to use my genius to help. So I, THE Dr. Rodney McKay, Ph.D., fell too. Although I do say it was with amazing grace. It was Teyla who saved the day that day. She rescued us from the mud demon with her majestic beauty and sturdiness/

Note to self: too much coffee. Do I have anymore chocolate?

/After the heroic battle with the Mud Puddle From Hell, tired, undefeated, and kinda muddy, we moved forward on our battle to trade things and do that "hey, you fight the Wraith, we fight the Wraith, we should make an alliance" speech. After six hours of walking through mud and planty things we came to investigate a cave. There were ancient, not 'Ancient' as in the race, but as in old things, cave drawings of big… Dirk Diggler would be jealous.

Pictures of said cave drawings would be attached to this very professional report, but Ronon threatened to do me bodily harm when I, in all my intellectual wisdom, told him that there was no way his Chewbacca ape hands were going to touch my brand new camera. Ronon can be incredibly persuasive when threatening your life.

Ronon broke my camera. Elizabeth, may I please have another.

Teyla decided to draw the cave paintings to bring back to Atlantis for the anthropology geeks. Her words, not mine. Maybe she should have told John what those papers were before she was finished drawing on them. He forgot to pack his toilet paper… we all decided that the drawings Teyla made were best left outside of the cave. /

Should I have said something about John copying the drawings onto every inch of my skin? No, then I would have to explain how they became smeared while he was fucking me on the floor of the cave. At least Teyla and Ronon weren't there, that would have been awkward.

/There were other attempts to copy the drawings because we really didn't want to go back there, but they all failed. /

"Dr. Rodney McKay, could ye please come to the infirmary?" God Beckett has a nice voice… nice mouth… nice head, especially when he's trying to compete with John in the hair defying gravity competition. He has nice arms too; he really needs to stop hiding them. "Rodney?" Oops, he's waiting for me to respond.

"Yeah, I'm here. I'll be there when I leave here." Shit, no pants. Pants, pants, where are my pants? Ahhh, I don't need my pants.

I can't believe I didn't see that kiss coming. It's so obvious that John was going to kiss me. The way he looked up at me from his throne of mud. The way John would smack me on the arm and then run away giggling during the hike of hell. The way he stayed really quiet and shy while Teyla, Ronon, and I were arguing. The way he recommended they do recon, leaving us alone. The way he halfheartedly tried to brush the, then drying, mud off of my clothes. Then there was the way he bounced on his heels as he insisted that I get undressed. How he very carefully drew all over my body. The way he licked his lips before he pounced me and smeared the drawings. Great. Now I'm hard.

Who is trying to break open my door? Is it a Wraith? Oh my god, it's a Wraith! He'll never get in. The only way that door is going to open is when I do it.

Or if someone who has the ATA gene thinks really hard. Like the wraith with a short Mohawk who just opened the door. Thank god, it's just Beckett. A syringe wielding Beckett. I love Beckett in way's I can't explain, like the way I love John, but he is scary when he's all 'Doctory'. He's saying something now. Maybe I should focus on listening.

"Rodney… blah blah blah… mud… I'm a Scottish doctor who happens to moonlight as a sex god… narcotic effects… Scott's don't wear anything underneath their kilts…" Carson sure has a sexy voice.

Wait, what? "Scott's don't really wear anything under their kilts? Can I see you in one? Can we pretend John is Scottish and make him wear one too, Dr. Sex God?" he sure is adorable when he blushes. Oooh! He's coming towards me doing the shy smile thing. I can't resist reaching out and touching him.

Ouch. Was that a needle in my...?

--------

"Rodney? Are ye awake luv?"

"Well, I would be asleep if someone wasn't talking to me, asking me stupidly obvious questions." Why was Carson in my room? Why was he there when I'm asleep? Opening my eyes, I realize I'm in the… "infirmary! Why the hell am I in the infirmary Carson?" What the hell is going on.

"Rodney, do you remember anything after you left Atlantis on your last mission?"

Why am I being asked this? I need to do a personal inventory. Fingers - 10, check. Toes - 10, check. Pie to the 10th decimal - 3.141592654, check. All there. So why is Carson asking me about my outstanding memory? What the hell happened on planet dark and rainy? Carson's looking at me like he's waiting for something. Oh yeah, "no."

"From what Teyla told me about your mission to PX-429, it was very dark and raining slightly."

"Slightly? It was pouring! Then it started snowing!" I really love Teyla and all, but her 'positive' outlook on everything is rather annoying.

"Teyla said it didn't start pouring until about three hours after Ronon, John, and yourself fell in the mud. Then it started snowing while ye all were in the cave investigating drawings."

Hey, I remembered something. Why did I forget in the first place? The realization and the questioning must have shown on my face because Carson was quick to continue. "Yes, you did remember something, and I am pretty sure that when all the drugs are out of yer system ye will remember more, maybe all of what happened while under the influence.

Drugs?

"Drugs?" What the hell is going on here? "I remember something about your saying narcotic mud and something about a kilt." Carson's blushing. What the hell did I forget?

"Actually Rodney, you were the one talkin' about wantin' to see me and John in a kilt with nothing on underneath." Carson's blushing more, but he's leering at the same time. Oh my god! I can feel myself blushing. They both would look so good in a kilt. "Rodney, pay attention." Seeing that I am giving him my utmost attention along with a look that would make Sheppard cower, he continues: "there was a chemical in the soil, or more correctly the mud, that had a narcotic effect on the four of ye. It could be compared to smoking a lot of pot after drinking a lot of booze." Carson chuckled. Cute, but I get the feeling it's at my expense. "There wasn't as much of an effect on Teyla as with you, John, and Ronon."

"Why? Is this that whole XX chromosome and ovaries thing? 'Cause that's so not fair." Definitely not fair.

"No, it's more like, well let's use the way you worded it."

Now he's looking at a laptop screen that strangely looks like my laptop… What the hell?

"She rescued us from the mud demon with her majestic beauty and sturdiness." Now Carson's grinning from ear to ear.

Oh shit, now I remember! There was a lot of rain, the cave with the big penises on the walls, John kissing me. John fucking me in the ass while wearing nothing but his dog tag's and combat boots. I also remember trying to write my report in the few hours that Elizabeth gave us so we could shower and rest before the debriefing, but my report turned into some sort of blog where I wrote everything I was thinking.

It was on my laptop. It IS on my laptop, the one that Carson just read from. I am so going to hell. "I… umm… It's all fiction."

Maybe he'll believe me, maybe he won't. Judging by the look on his face, he does not believe me.

"John tried to write his report too, and also like you, wrote down everything he was thinking. Including everything that happened in that cave." oh my god oh my god. "Which he submitted to Elizabeth. And everyone else in Atlantis." Oh my god oh my god oh my god. "Only instead of like a journal, his was a poem."

I, what? "Poem?" How the hell did all this happen? Maybe if I build a time machine… wait, did he write about me?

"Rodney, if you liked my arms and general head area, like John does apparently." Carson's blushing again. "Why didn't you just say so?" What? He's asking me why he never knew I was flirting with him after JOHN AND I FUCKED!

Ladies and gentlemen, we have just now entered the twilight zone. Que music!

Ooh, Carson's a good kisser. Oh, he does have a lovely, lovely? Yes lovely mouth.

"Dr. Beckett, are you going to be checking the health of all your patients with your tongue?" Damn John sounds sexy when he does the sing-song voice, only really, really deep. I can tell Carson thinks so too by the way his lips are curving upwards against mine. But he doesn't pull away to answer John, he just shakes his head and wraps his arms around me… and starts to climb in the infirmary bed with me.

John must like that idea because now he's in my bed too, wrapping his arms around me and Carson and kissing my neck…

This is better than coffee and ZPM's, I just hope no one else knows that or I'll never hear the end of it.

Oohh… hands!