A/N: A special thanks to Peppe1951, pechika and anon for reviewing Chapter 15 of Crosshairs. You guys are so awesome! I'm planning on taking some of the ideas, and writing them into Parenting for Dummy's chapters to how things play out before considering a longer story.

I really want to do the Wife-Swap story since the others have been so serious. It probably won't be as long as the rest, but will include Ender because you need kids to be on the show. Yes, it's not at all realistic for an agent to be on the show, but White-Collar is television so creative license is allowed.

Still trying to figure out which type of family to swap with the Burkes. I've been re-watching past episodes trying to figure out who might clash the best, but not make the story too crazy. Anyway, here is the first chapter. It's Peter finding out about being on the show. Don't worry there will still be tons of Neal, (and the other characters) because who wouldn't want to observe this humiliation play out first hand. Crosshairs will be finished too; do not worry. Just want to test the waters with a new idea.

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Jeff Easton except Ender who is mine. No profit is made from the writing of this story.


We Have To Do What?

Peter Burke sat in his boss's office, scowling at the man seated behind the desk, arms folded tightly across his chest. "No Reece…absolute not – I refuse," he grit out from around clenched teeth.

"Oh come on Peter, it won't be so bad." Agent Reece Hughes held up placating hands.

"Won't be so bad?" Peter could feel his blood pressure rising with every breath. "Do you want to be the one that explains this to Elizabeth because by all means, I'll dial her for you right now." Snatching the phone off Hughes's desk Peter held his fingers poised over the buttons ready to press down.

"Oh for goodness sakes Agent Burke," Hughes snapped, yanking the phone out of the other man's hand. "You're head of New York's White Collar division; you have a beautiful, talented and successful wife, a lovely home and an adorable child…when he's not trying to take over the world." Hughes added the last bit rapidly and under his breath. "You are exactly the type of agent we want presented to the public.

"Reece, I just don't get it. Why me? I know we don't always see eye to eye on cases, or how I sometimes run my office or Neal...mostly Neal. But have I really pissed you off that badly?." Peter pleaded.

Hughes held up a hand. "I can assure you Peter this is nothing personal. The deputy director approached me about finding a model agent, who's married and has children."

Peter immediately jumped in. "Well, that takes us out the running. They are looking for children plural, and unlike some people, we do not consider our pets to be that type of member of the family."

The senior agent gave Peter a look at interrupting him. "Or a child. Peter, we've been getting some bad press lately, and even though it's through no fault of our own, the higher-ups thought it would be a good idea to showcase us in a more positive light. We are people who not only care about serving our country, but who are devoted to our family."

"Yes but Wife-Swap." Peter spit out. "This isn't some 'Welcome to Our Home' documentary where I just have to smile for a few minutes. Have you seen that show?"

"Have you?" Reece replied, his eyes twinkling in amusement.

Peter paused mid-rant, contemplating what Hughes had just asked. "I…No…Wait…" He sputtered a bit, meeting the senior agent's jovial expression.

"Okay, may be once or twice, because El was watching it. My point is the people who like to go one those shows are nuts. Families who dressed up like pirates all the time, or who only ate raw foods. Do you really want me to miss a month of work over Salmonellae from eating uncooked chicken?"

"I don't think it will be that bad."

Peter stood up. "Then no offence Reese, but why don't you volunteer for the show?"

"With ex Mrs Hughes one or two? Sit down Peter." Hughes commanded as Peter turned to leave.

The agent dropped back down in the chair in what almost looked like a pout. "Look, when the show approached us about doing an episode the Bureau set down a few ground rules, if they were to even consider it. We get final say in the footage that will be aired to ensure nothing classified or case-related will be shown, and they only get copyrights to the footage we agree to. And if they show anything on-air that violates this we have the right to confiscate all footage and press criminal charges."

"I was thinking more about my personal pride, but it's nice to know the Bureau is covering its ass." Peter muttered.

"Look, talk it over with Elizabeth, she can even call me if she wants. Just think of the favour you would be doing for the bosses, that might come in handy the next time Caffrey pulls one of his stunts."

Peter couldn't argue with that, although he wasn't sure public humiliation was worth one favour, even where Neal was concerned. "I'll talk to El," he finally conceded, then got out and stormed over to his office.


Fifteen minutes later he was still fuming.

Flowers, he thought. Okay, so El would suspect something was wrong the moment he walked through the door with them, but maybe it would help soften the blow. Or maybe he would be staying over at Neal's for a few days, and he should start thinking about what to pack, and how to ask Neal.

A knock at the door alerted him to reality and he motioned Neal into the office. The man had his 'I'm feeling guilty but trying to look charming so you won't notice look'.

"I take it the meeting with Hughes didn't go well," Neal ventured, gauging Peter's expression as he spoke.

Peter just shrugged, knowing Neal could see his irritation.

Neal plunged on. "I just want you to know that whatever he thinks I did, there is a perfectly good explanation for it. Agent Donnelly wanted me to have those tickets."

Wow, Neal was just about to confess to something. Peter put his anger on hold and sat up a little straighter. "Oh he did huh?"

"And the fact that he was willing to trade the tickets to me an exchange for the opportunity to write my reports, only goes to show what a valuable experience he gained out of this." Neal continued, flashing his trademark grin in an attempt to appease Peter.

"I see," Peter continued neutrally. "And which tickets are these?"

"To the new exhibit at the Met, this show on Neoclassicism…" he trailed off, giving Peter a sidewise glance. "You didn't know about the tickets, did you?"

"No, and while we are on the topic you are not Tom Sawyer, but since you seem to have so much spare time on your hands, you can ask Jones and Diana for a couple of there cases, to help fill your time, and make you feel more like a productive member of society." Peter waved Neal off with his hand only to have the other man ignore the gesture and take a seat in front of the agent's desk.

"Peter, I am doing my best to spread goodwill around this office, and your negative attitude is messing with my positive vibrations. Hey what's this?" Neal reached for a copy of the paperwork Hughes had given Peter regarding the show.

"Give that back," Peter snapped reaching forward in a vain attempt to snatch the folder out of Neal's hand.

Neal shoved his chair backwards, just out of reach and scanned the papers. "Wife-swap. That crazy show with the people who eat raw meat."

At Peter's look Neal added. "June and Cindy like to watch it."

Trying to control his rising irritation Peter managed to reach over his desk and seize the papers from Neal's fingers.

"The FBI is worried about their image and think this is the solution." Peter muttered, already feeling his face shade pink.

"Putting an agent on Wife-Swap or putting you on Wife-Swap?" Neal asked.

Peter gave his collar a nervous tug. "Apparently agents with wives and children are in short demand. Their other candidate is Agent Harrison."

"The guy who collects decorative figurines? He's married?" Neal bit his tongue to keep from laughing.

"With three children, two boys and a girl." Peter shrugged.

The conman looked down for a moment, then back up a mischievous twinkle in his eye. It was the exact same one Neal had given before he asked to meet El's parents. "Peter," he began.

"No," the agent cut him off.

"You don't even know what I was going to ask." Neal pointed out.

"You want me to invite you to stay over during the swap. And there's no way in hell."

"I'm only thinking about this from a friend's perspective." Neal gave him the big eyes. "You have no idea what the new wife will be like. I'm here to offer you my fullest support, day and night." He emphasized the point with his finger.

"You just want to get footage you can show to the other people in the office. The answer is no."

Neal looked hurt. "I can't believe you would think that little of me Peter."

"Says the person who still keeps a photo of me during my moustache days in your top drawer."

The conman rolled his eyes. "Everyone and their mother has seen that photo, I just keep it for sentimental reasons. It was your guise during the best days of our chase."

Peter merely shook his head then gathered up the papers and threw them into a desk drawer.

"Have you told Elizabeth?" Neal asked.

"I'm researching flower vendors right now." Peter responded.


Peter didn't think this could get any worse until El laughed in his face. He was preparing himself for a few angry words but not this.

"Wait a second, let me get this straight." She gasped out. "The Bureau wants us to go on Wife-Swap to help improve its image. Are you sure this isn't one of Neal's practical jokes?"

"It's us or Agent Harrison," Peter mumbled.

"The guy who collects figurines," El chuckled. Then her expression tightened. "Wait you're serious about this?"

"I got you flowers." Peter added timidly holding out the two-dozen roses.

"So we're expected to shuffle our lives around for two weeks, I have to travel to a completely different state, and some stranger is going to live here, all for good publicity."

"Are you worried something's going to happen, because El, you know I would never..." Peter jumped in sounding horrified.

"You think I'm worried you would cheat? Honey, that show is fun for a laugh, but have you seen the people they choose to have on it. I couldn't trust them to run my business, we have Ender now; he's a handful. And you can't exactly just take off for two weeks and leave White-Collar to Neal's tender mercies. Surely there is someone who actually wants to be on the show. Why us?"

"Uhhh…" Peter stammered. "You're beautiful and successful, Ender's cute and we have a nice house?"

"You realise you said that in the form of a question, don't you."

"Hughes already assured me the Bureau will screen all footage before it airs."

El cocked her head and surveyed him, looking puzzled. "You're trying awfully hard to convince me this, I thought you didn't want to be on the show."

"God no," Peter sat down next to her and handed her the flowers. "It's just that, well…Hughes pointed out the higher ups really want this, and it might mean a favour the next time Neal…does something Neal-like. And I don't know what they would do if I refused, I really don't want to go back to the evidence warehouse hon."

El gave him a smile. "I guess two weeks won't be that bad. I mean, if I can survive being kidnapped by Keller I can survive a weird family."

Peter leaned over and kissed her. "You are the best wife a husband could ask for."

El gathered up the flowers, stood and went to find a vase. "But it wouldn't be bad to start planning another trip to the Caribbean."