Harry slumped on the floor, attempting to hold down what little food he'd eaten before arriving at the headmaster's office. Once he was confident that he would not have an unpleasant reunion with his breakfast, he glared at the headmaster and shouted, "Snape is my father?"
Twinkling eyes met his, a small smile gracing Dumbledore's face. "Yes, Harry. The memories in the pensieve are quite accurate, I assure you."
"If that were the case, why didn't you tell me this earlier? You know, before I actually slept with the man?"
Dumbledore found himself at a loss for words. Idly, Harry wondered how much the Prophet would pay for a copy of the memories of this day; surely, nobody yet had had the ability to stun Headmaster Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Grand Sorcerer, Supreme Mugwump, Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot into silence before. Not without a charm, anyway. He was fairly certain that this was yet another attempt to help Harry and Severus "understand one another more," because he was well overdue his annual meddling by one very old Headmaster, but he had to be careful about his replies. The headmaster in question was speaking.
"Harry, surely you're..."
"No. Don't you dare. I've only just found him! He's happy, do you know that? The man that never smiles - the Great Bat of the Dungeons - has been teaching his classes with a permanent smirk on his face for weeks, he actually converses with his fellow professors during meals - he even broke into spontaneous song upon waking up to the first warm day of spring!"
Dumbledore managed to recover slightly. "Yes, Harry, I had noticed. Frankly, Poppy has been pressuring me to send for a mediwizard specializing in brain trauma from St. Mungo's. We'd never imagined..." He paused, lost in thought. After a tense moment, he summoned his patronus and uttered a few words to it before sending it off on its errand.
"Harry..."
"I wish you'd stop saying my name with such pity. Where did you get those memories, anyway? I know Severus didn't supply them, they certainly aren't yours because I can't honestly see you in the room while my mother and ..." here, he faltered but rallied on, "... and ... and Severus doing that, and the birth... Honestly. Who ever wants to see every graphic detail of their own birth? How could you think that showing me those memories is in any way a good idea, Headmaster? How do they prove Severus is my father, anyway? I may be willing to admit that I'm some Freudian replacement for my own mother in Severus's eyes, but that certainly doesn't prove paternity."
Dumbledore sat back, contemplating how to salvage the situation he now found himself in. He reflected that he should have come up with a better plan. Perhaps he was slipping in his old age; he never considered that the way to resolve the ongoing feud between Savior and Spy could be sexual in nature, otherwise he would have had to rethink his plans to convince both that Severus was Harry's "secret father."
Before he could muster a reply, a heavy knock sounded at the door to the headmaster's office. Finding himself with more time in which to modify the plan, he called "Come in, my boy!"
The door opened to admit a strangely-content, doe-eyed Potions Master Severus Snape. "You summoned me, Albus?" He belatedly noticed his love's presence in the room and diverted his attention.
"Ah, Severus. Perhaps you can clear up a misunderstanding I seemed to have had. The ..." He was stunned into silence again as the formerly-grouchy Severus ignored him in favor of greeting Harry with as much fanfare as the man possessed. Once the theatrics died down, the headmaster continued, "As, ah, I was saying ... the pensieve contains memories that I would like you to view and then comment on, Severus. Once you've viewed them, I would like to ask you a question."
Severus Snape was becoming less and less cheerful as each successive word left his mentor's mouth. If Harry was involved, that meant that the memory was relevant to the both of them and he struggled to believe that anything good could come out of this.
A few minutes later, the Greasy Git of the Dungeons was back in full force, glaring daggers at the headmaster. "Just what in the bloody hell was that, Albus?" Small retching sounds broke the sudden silence; presumably, Harry thought, Severus was having much the same reaction that he himself had.
Dumbledore now had a plan firmly in place. "Why, it appears to be an attempt to convince all of us that you are, in fact, Harry's father. I wonder for what purpose? I presume Voldemort is behind this somehow, but I must ask why and how he would do such a thing?" There. That just might salvage the situation.
Snape's eyes, meanwhile, had narrowed. He glanced at Harry, who wore a similar expression. Good, he thought. We may just stand a chance at killing the powerful old man if we combine our powers. "Albus, you know damn bloody well that I never slept with Lily. Despite my love for her," he grabbed Harry's hand and whispered to him, "not in that sense, my love," "I never slept with her. I know you know this, and I know that you are aware that I am skilled in the mind arts and can tell a forged memory when I see one. I know that you, yourself, are also capable of distinguishing an altered memory from a true memory. So, I ask you to explain yourself."
Damn, Albus thought, I probably should have considered that. He fiddled with his wand and finally met Severus's eyes. "Yes, yes, Severus. You always were entirely too clever for your own ..." he drew his want and pointed it in the direction of the now-standing lovers. "Oblivi-"
"Petrificus Totalus!" two voices rang out in unison.
There is, Harry considered, a definite advantage to being tutored in Occlumency and Legilimency by your lover, otherwise we would never have been able to time that so perfectly.
"Harry, we do need to decide on what to do now," Severus said softly. "We just petrified the most powerful wizard in recent history - we can't just leave him here and expect no retribution."
"Yes, that's... Well. Hmm. I see no harm in bottling those forged memories, bottling our own memories and storing them far away from the headmaster's reach. I'm sure a bit of blackmail will go quite a long way."
Severus reflected that his lover really should have been placed in Slytherin when he was sorted.
