I feel alone and sought, I knew I shouldn't have, I knew I never should have said anything...

I wanted to run, I wanted to go away, I wanted for once to escape my feelings, to escape the world...

I wanted to let myself run even from myself, I wanted to see my tainted impure body to surrender before my will... why did this have to happen... why did it have to be me...

Why couldn't it have anyone else, whoever was born one second before me

One second after...

One second could've made the difference, it could've got me out...

Why did this have to be me... why can't my sins, my laughter, my sorrow, my tears, my life and pain run down that drain? Why was I made different... why couldn't I just let go...

I didn't want this, I never did... I didn't ask for it... I begged for it to go away… every night in bed, every time I saw a star, every time I blew a candle, every time I pretended it was my birthday and tried then...

Why did nobody ever listened to me... I've seen and heard so much I wish I hadn't...

Human kind at its best and its worst... I've seen it all... why can't I just forget...

Why no matter what I drink, no matter what I take, no matter what I do... no one ever says to me 'its going to be alright' and yet it always is... why can't it for once be the other way around...

How many times must I beg, how many times must I plead, how many times must I try... who this sadistic master moving us puppets be... we say there is a God... we hear about thousands... but its so alone out there... so very cold and unforgiving... I don't believe in hell being hot flames anymore... hell is cold, hell has iced flames that burn you at contact... hell is not out side, hell is not the mythical place to expiate your sins, it isn't the place of eternal torture a revolting demon stirs lava in...

Hell is this, hell is inside you, hell is feeling this immeasurable sorrow, this untraceable stain, this burning feeling of loss...

This overwhelming loneliness you can't take a way...

In rage I realize my wrist slashed with the blade I got from you has already stopped bleeding...

This is a cross to absolute and vast for me to bare...

This is a sin too great for me to pay... this is a torture too great for my mortal entity to understand...

Which God did I ever offend with my presence... how much damage could I have ever done to deserve not being loved...

Why must I always walk alone...

Anything I could take, anything I could stand... here I lay myself before you, take me, break me, have me, rip me, slash me, hit me, cut me, believe me, feel me, twist me, hate me, love me, do with me as you please...

But wont you forgive me?