All For a Kiss
A Word: Drabble for a kiss meme this one for the Firm Kiss slot. Also, because there's an anon(s) going around Tumblr getting irritated over the gay stuff in the Cullen tag. I need to put more gay/bi Cullen stuff in the tags.
.
.
The problem lies not solely within himself, Cullen realizes with the sort of abruptness that comes with all true epiphanies.
It is not that Cullen can spin himself up into a nervous wreck tripping over his tongue and rubbing the back of his neck raw while trying to utter a simple greeting. It's not that he cannot think of the right way to segue from idle talk into the more personal inquiries he dearly wishes for. Not that he gets so lost in the graceful flow of an arm -from shoulder to finger tips- arcing through the air like eddies of water forming complex figures to emphasized the almost musical words being uttered that he forgets he's supposed to say something back. It's certainly not the fact that Cullen is very sure he wants far more than what is offered on occasion with flippant remarks that appear to be almost subconscious.
It doesn't help, certainly, but it is not the only reason why Cullen feels he's unable to reach out to Dorian.
For all the lack of care he proclaims to have for it, Dorian is nobility as far as his home country is concerned. He has that unique awareness of himself and how others perceive him that Cullen sees so often among those ranks. Cullen might be tripping himself up with his doubts and fumbling, but there is no way that Dorian hasn't noticed and correctly interpreted those moments.
Cullen knows it to be truth even as he thinks it. He remembers all the times he has almost said what he meant to say. The times when his words would hang just a shade too long and Dorian would blithely change the subject. His face showing neither concern nor curiosity at what Cullen might have said, and Cullen had been grateful for that each time. Had been equally grateful when Dorian stopped pointing out every red hot flush that crossed Cullen's face and passing a remarkably apt comment about the reason for it off as a joke. Ignoring and shifting attention away from Cullen's attempts at mild flirtation.
It would be easy to read the unspoken rejection in that. Easy and foolish, because Cullen's learned a great deal about the mage in their time together. Either playing a few games in the garden, or during the -frequent- attempts by seemingly the whole Inquisition to pull Cullen out of his office when he's needed there the most. So Cullen knows that Dorian is not the kind of man who would turn a blind eye to the affections of someone in the hopes it will go away.
He's far more likely to let them down if not interested, and if he were interested... Well, Cullen's fairly sure Dorian wouldn't hold back and patiently wait like it seems he's been doing. Because Dorian is waiting. Cullen can't think of what else it is that Dorian is doing while Cullen makes a fool of himself in front of the man so very obviously all the time.
There are no more epiphanies, just a faintly nervous thread of hope, to brighten his thoughts as Cullen leans against his desk and allows his mind to wander. Turning the possibilities over and over. Arguing for one reasoning and then another. Doing absolutely nothing useful with his time and effectively setting him right back where he began.
It's almost a relief when the door he's been staring at opens and pulls him from his circular thoughts.
"Why, I do think you were expecting me, Commander," Dorian says with a smile as he strolls in from the East door. He takes in the office and Cullen's desk with a quick glance before fixing his gaze on Cullen. The man is wearing one of his lighter robes. The ones that he refuses to give up even thought Cullen knows he'll complain of being cold at least twice an hour wearing them.
"I've half a dozen urgent requests and three times as many reports to read. The odds of someone dragging me away so it can grow were assured before the fifth one came in," Cullen says, and that response is rote enough by now that it comes out smoothly. "What can I do for you, Dorian?"
"I need a poison taster," Dorian waves back the way he came from. Towards the main hall. He would mention the tavern by name otherwise. "Varric swears he has something that I must simply try, and I'd feel a lot better having someone with a hardier constitution on hand for whatever rot he's brought from Kirkwall this time."
Varric is fond of telling Cullen that he thinks too much. It's true, and is what makes him so very good at his work. Thinking each situation through to the very end -every possible end- saves lives and wins them battles. It's a great skill to have for any commander. In life, it is not as much of an asset.
"Commander?" Dorian raises his voice slightly. A bit of concern that doesn't show on his face at all as he waits. Poised on the balls of his feet like he does when danger is around and no one knows which direction it will come from.
"Nothing, that sounds," Cullen steps forward to lead the way out of his office and stops before he can reach for the door. He's doing it again. Thinking of every possibility, making plans and contingencies and fall back options that won't matter because Dorian will be gone before Cullen has them finished.
No. He needs to stop thinking.
"Cullen?" Dorian steps up and the concern shows now as he looks him over closely. Looking.
That familiar searching expression too many people turn on him these days when he's feeling a little done in.
"I'm fine, Just," Cullen laughs ruefully and rolls his neck a little, feeling it crack a little before he makes himself look Dorian in the eye. "I'm just thinking too much."
"Nonsense. Too many people don't think enough!" Dorian scoffs, and his voice is loud and bright with a joke but he steps back. One foot to put some distance between them. Nervousness, and Cullen thinks he could have another epiphany right now about the other half of the reason why he's not getting anywhere in this.
He could, but he'd much rather get past it.
When he's not thinking too much, when he's not planning or second guessing, it's easy reach out and cup the back of Dorian's head. Easy to pull him close and angle his head down, to press a kiss to his still lips. Soft and pliant with surprise that Cullen doesn't take advantage of just yet. It's an action meant to show intention, and the soft noise it draws from Dorian as he moves into it is an answer.
"I'm not the only one thinking too much," Cullen murmurs when he pulls back. Just the smallest bit so that he can still feel the the soft brush of Dorian's lips with each word. He keeps his hand on the back of Dorian's head even as he tries to pull back. "Don't. Unless you really don't want this..."
Dorian curses. Low and fluid under his breath, and Cullen's sure he can translate that if he wants to but Dorian's growling in frustration, "It's not about what I want!"
He doesn't pull away, and Cullen should probably question him about that statement. Should probably discuss this with him. There's a lot of things Cullen should probably do, but chooses to focus on the fact that Dorian doesn't pull away. Doesn't stop him when he pulls him into another firm kiss that is better than any words Cullen could have said.
.
.
