Originally posted on aff 2006-12-08 - 2007-09-23

This story does contain some OOC-ness on Zabuza's part, but considering the trauma, it just might be justified.

I.

Loyalty is a fickle thing. It can be bought, forced, and teaching can ingrain it. It can be destroyed in a blink of an eye, and it can be regained in a lifetime. It can be demanded, asked for, and it can be forever lost to those who do not command it. Loyalty, like respect, depends on the kind of man who has come to understand loyalty is power. Such as it is for a ninja, one of jounin rank, especially. Any ninja is expected to be loyal to their village and their leader, as well as their comrades and those they interact with every day. Ninja are taught that loyalty saves them, saves lives, and they are taught that loyalty comes from trust.

Momochi Zabuza only trusted himself.

He only was loyal to himself.

He thought nothing of using others to his advantage, thought nothing of instilling loyalty to himself only and then destroying that bond by abandoning those tools when they were no longer needed. He thought nothing of destroying lives to attain his goal. Zabuza was a hard man, an enigma even to those who knew him, and he showed nothing toward anyone. No one had any way of knowing who this man was beneath those bandages that covered his face. No one was close to him, and he allowed no one close. His heart, some said, was as stone-like as his face. He was a killer, and a very good one at that. No one wanted to cross him, in fear of his or her own lives. He tolerated you, not the other way around. Zabuza was a very ambitious man, even if the ambitions were too much for any one man, let alone a small group, to succeed.

Zabuza had failed to attain his dream. He had been forced to run, forced to flee lest his own life be lost. But now, he was not alone. By his side walked a small boy, a child he had rescued from the snow-covered streets simply because he knew of the boy's strength. The boy, under his guidance, could become the perfect tool. But Zabuza hadn't counted on the child's loyalty. Haku was a saint compared to Zabuza. Haku only killed on orders, and spent his time playing with wild rabbits he brought back to the camp. Zabuza learned more about his charge as the boy grew, and he knew, one day, the boy would surpass him.

And that was when everything began to change.

Zabuza could feel it, every time he looked at Haku, every time he heard the boy's soft voice. His stony heart, the one he never wanted to have, was beginning to soften, and it was all because of Haku. The boy did his best to please Zabuza; even when he made a mistake he was always quick to correct himself. Zabuza had begun to care about Haku, and had begun to warm up to the small boy in an attempt to show at least a little bit of the humanity that was still left in him. He watched the boy grow up, and did his best to keep up with his charge. He knew Haku was growing stronger; he refused to believe he was growing weaker. They trained together, sparred with the intent to harm if not kill. Zabuza made sure Haku would be able to take care of himself if something happened and they were no longer together. He made sure Haku would be able to survive. He made sure Haku knew the meaning of loyalty.

He just hadn't expected Haku to take the meaning so far.

Zabuza knew he was going to die that day. No man could survive against Sharingan Kakashi, and if they did, it was probably pure dumb luck. He'd done enough to warrant death by those hands, and he'd made sure that Haku would not be nearby when his end came. Perhaps it was those self-preservation needs that made him want to keep Haku away, that need to go down like a warrior. Perhaps it was his own past, his own failures, which made him want to keep his success just that. He watched that glowing hand come toward him, aimed straight for his heart. He couldn't move with the dogs biting into his arms and legs, so he could only watch as that beautiful, dark-haired blur got between him and that hand, could only watch that crimson spurt and those bones shatter, that heart stop.

If Zabuza had been the type, he would have screamed in denial.

He took the opportunity Haku had given him and swung his sword, his heart aching at the thought he would have to cut Haku in half to kill Kakashi. Tears pricked his eyes when he missed, and he was thankful. Zabuza had promised himself he would never cry again, not after that horrible night, but tears made their ways down his face, soaking the bandages covering his face and neck. He finally pulled down those bandages, revealing his face to Kakashi and his brat genin, and he saw in Naruto's own tear-filled eyes that he wasn't the monster everyone believed him to be. The monster was Gato, that man who had hired Zabuza and Haku to stop this bridge, to stop progress. It was Gato who had forced Kakashi to steal Haku's life, and therefore Zabuza's reason to cooperate, to live. That kunai in his mouth was more than just a tool, borrowed from that little blonde kid and soon lost forever. It was a meaning, a stand, and now, the man who was known as the Demon of Hidden Mist proved why he was called that. He rushed that heavily armed crowed of bodyguards, arms useless, his body already half-dead from his earlier fight. He refused to die, even as pikes slammed into his body. He refused to die before Gato, and he had to make sure Gato was truly dead before he would allow himself to succumb to the eternal sleep.

Blood spurted against his face as he left bodies in his wake, a huge hot, red wave that erupted from torn arteries and killing wounds. Gato had been afraid, seeing that demon come at him, unstoppable and immortal. Zabuza slammed that kunai into the old man's chest and shoved him off the bridge, forcing him to fall a distance only a ninja could hope to survive with minimal injuries. He collapsed then, unable to move any longer, blood loss high and his body refusing to work any longer. He managed to crawl toward Haku, but in the end, Kakashi carried him, his last request to see Haku's face. Where Haku was now, Zabuza knew he could not follow. Kakashi had let him down beside Haku, beside his beautiful apprentice, and he touched the boy's face. So many things he wanted to say now, so many things left unsaid, undone. He felt the tears welling up, felt the cold touch of snowflakes on his skin, and felt the frozen touch of death beginning to take him. Zabuza died not as a monster, but as a man so desperately in love he finally understood what his teacher had told him about power.

He finally understood being a ninja wasn't only about power, but the heart as well.

Haku had his heart.

And had died with it.

Zabuza had died as he had been born, alone.

Zabuza rammed his hand up through the dirt, and clawed his way out of his grave, gasping for air and scrabbling for purchase on the grassy ground, unable to surmise how exactly he was alive. He'd felt it, felt death, and he'd gone to Hell. He rolled, lying on the spongy, wet grasses as he stared at the sky through the foliage of the canopy, hazel eyes half-closed. He was alive. He pushed himself over, to his knees and rotated his shoulders, looking toward the other grave beside his. He remembered now, remembered that voice at the gate to Hell, a voice he should've forgotten but couldn't. There was no way he could forget the voice of the only other person who cared for him. His sensei, his beautiful sensei, had been there to greet him, her stomach still cut open from her suicide, a grisly reminder of his failures. She had touched him, pleased he had grown into a fine young man. He wondered if she knew of his transgressions, and she only smiled. She told him she was giving up her chance of redemption for him to return to life. There was something he needed to do before he died, and Hell was no place for a man like him.

Zabuza began to dig, blood mixing with earth as he defiled his beloved companion's grave, determined to prove to himself Haku was truly dead. Doubts bit at his heart and his mind and more than once he had to bite into his lower lip to keep his determination. There was no room for failure now. He dug as quickly as he could, fingers finally touching something hard and cold, but even so, soft enough to be pliant. He dug faster, tears pricking his eyes again, forcing himself to keep calm in the face of disappointment. He wrapped his hand around a small wrist and pulled, pulling up that precious body. His other arm wrapped around small shoulders, and despite the pain in his own he pulled, rolling with Haku's corpse out of the grave and onto the ground.

He lay there, quietly gasping to hold back tears, and he rolled to lay Haku beneath him, staring at the boy's peaceful visage. With trembling hands, he touched the boy's neck, feeling for a pulse he knew not to exist. He touched the hole where Haku's heart should be, needed to be, and found only an empty cavity.

"Haku… I'm so sorry…"

Zabuza finally began to cry, half-covering Haku's broken body, making only as much noise as he dared. He whimpered into the boy's chest, and clung like a child to the body, unable to stop crying.

"I'm sorry, Haku," Zabuza whispered, brushing strands of dark hair away from Haku's face. "I'm so sorry… This is my fault. I should never have brought you into my world."

He pressed his lips to the corpse's and pulled back, struggling to his feet to place the boy back into his grave, pausing only to set him down again to fill in the hole he left in the dirt. No one should know he was still alive. No one needed to know differently. Zabuza touched Haku's face again, crying yet again as he smeared dirt on Haku's face.

"I should have t-told you before, Haku," Zabuza said quietly as he picked the boy's body up again. "I should have told you that I love you, Haku. I didn't understand until then, and I'm sorry. I should have treated you better. There are so many things I should have done… and now, they'll never be done, will they?"

He set Haku's body down into the grave and began to dribble dirt onto the corpse to cover it again. He could hardly see, his eyes filled with tears as he buried his beloved. He finally stopped, just before Haku's face was covered, staring down at the boy he loved.

"I would give anything to have you back, Haku." Zabuza said, crouching now by a filled grave, Haku's face imprinted on his memory. "I would do anything to have you back."

He touched the grave marker that was Haku's and rose, staring down at his beloved, and his belongings he no longer wanted.

"Good bye, my Haku." Zabuza whispered. "Good bye. I'm sorry I never told you I loved you. I'm sorry I didn't take you away. It was my dream, my ambition that got you killed. And now, now you'll never know how deep my love runs for you, if you can believe that."

Zabuza paused in turning away, letting a fresh wave of tears fall down his face, and he bowed his head, shoulders shaking.

"I failed you. I failed you as I failed my sensei. Haku, if only… if only I had been more aware, more… more loyal to you as you were to me, maybe…" He turned back to give one last look at the grave, a memory to join other horrible memories, and whimpered again. "I love you, Haku. I will live for you, and please, watch over me in Heaven. Perhaps I can redeem myself and meet you. Become my guardian angel, Haku, and don't let me stray."

Momochi Zabuza felt another little piece of his heart die again, hope smothered as he walked away, limping and hurting in spirit more so than body. He was alive, sent back from Hell by his sensei who had sacrificed her redemption for him. Her redemption was now his, and Zabuza still had no reason to keep living, except for a memory. A memory of a beautiful boy who had been nothing but loyal to Zabuza. He had nowhere to go; no village would take him in. No village who knew of him, anyway. But he was compelled to travel to Konoha, where perhaps, he could gain some sort of shelter, if not another life. Surely Kakashi would know something. Zabuza walked away from his past, leaving behind his love and hope, leaving behind something that could have been.

And as he struggled to control his emotions, Haku struggled to breathe. The boy clawed through the earth covering him, his chest on fire, able to taste salt on his lips and just faintly the scent of his beloved master. He clawed and dug, pulling himself from the grave he had been placed in only a few hours before by Zabuza, crawling out on his hands and knees, fighting for air as his chest continued to burn. He looked beside him at the other grave, eyes wide at the sign of disturbed earth, and gave a little cry of denial. He curled up a little, staring at the signs all around him. Zabuza had left, left without him. The burning in his chest finally stopped, but he didn't notice. It was too tight to notice any other pain, first from sadness, then from anger. He struggled to his feet, swaying for a moment, before moving to follow his sensei.

Haku had fought to return to the living, unable to stomach an existence without his beloved master. Haku had fought the promise of eternal peace and happiness, he had fought the false dream of his happy family, only wanting Zabuza. Zabuza had never looked upon him with contempt, had never looked upon him as a burden. He had only gazed upon him with need, and Haku understood that he was needed for more than just a pupil, even if Zabuza hadn't known himself. He had died to protect Zabuza, to protect his beloved, and had he known Zabuza would die to be with him, he never would have sacrificed his life. He knew how fast he was; he could have gotten over to Zabuza and gotten him away before the Chidori connected to anything vital. He could have saved them both. Instead… Haku shook his head and kept moving. Zabuza was already hours ahead of him, and he refused to give up before he could knock some sense into his master's head.

They were alive, and that was all that mattered. How much longer they remained alive, however, was as long as it took for someone to discover their existence. Everyone believed them to be dead and buried, but Zabuza was heading for Konoha. Haku wanted to scream out Zabuza's name, but his voice refused to get past that lump in his throat. That lump of hurt and betrayal. He had been nothing but loyal, and now, Zabuza was leaving him. Zabuza had never left him before, unless it had been for a mission. Haku rushed, pushing his body, needing to catch up to Zabuza. Night fell and Haku became as silent as death itself, stalking his prey through the thick forests of Hi no Kuni. Zabuza finally stopped, exhaustion felling him, and he curled up where he lay, shivering from cold and hunger, mind on nothing more than the boy he had left behind. Haku watched him from the tree branches, tempted to strike now while the man was weak, but he stopped at a whimper.

Zabuza never whimpered.

He dropped down to the ground below and moved closer. His eyes widened at what he heard, Zabuza's voice accented by tears and whimpers, the elder man crying as though he were a child. Haku crept a little closer, until he was near hovering over the broken man, watching and listening, terrified but what he saw. Zabuza's face was tear stained, his eyes closed tight and his shoulders shook with his muffled sobs. Haku reached out finally, not wanting to see his beloved master in any more pain. Zabuza jerked upright, hazel eyes wide as he stared at the boy he had left behind. Haku wanted to smile, he wanted to reassure Zabuza everything was okay now, but Zabuza never gave him a chance to speak, capturing the youth in a fierce hug, though the hold was gentle enough not to cause physical harm. Zabuza clung to Haku, face buried in his neck, huddling as he cried again.

"Zabuza-san, please, don't cry," Haku whispered, arms wrapped around the older man as if to protect him from whatever nightmare they were going to face.

"Haku… I'm so sorry,"

"I know, Zabuza-san. It's okay."

"It's not okay!" Zabuza jerked away, staring at the boy from arm's length, hazel wide as his body trembled. "You died and I could've protected you!"

"You did, Zabuza," Haku replied, enfolding the man in his embrace again. "You did. You avenged me, you destroyed that man, and now we're together."

"You should be in Heaven."

"Zabuza-san," Haku whispered, pushing the man's head back and sealing his lips over Zabuza's own. "You are my heaven."

Zabuza trembled a little bit, finally smiling, and Haku pressed closer, kissing him again, nibbling and worrying at the elder's lower lip to try and draw out his master's former personality. He was rewarded with a soft snarl, Zabuza returning the nibbles with a little more force, asserting his dominance over the boy. Haku let him have his way; he let Zabuza become the leader because he needed it. Haku understood, somehow, that this was something the elder needed to heal.

"I missed you so much Haku," Zabuza whispered in between bites to the boy's throat, hands delving beneath the kimono to get at the flesh beneath, fingers running over his heart, over the sensitive flesh that used to be just a hole, and now was just a scar to attest to the memory. He bit that scar, bruising his beloved pupil to make his claim, a promise never to abandon this youth to his own machinations ever again. Haku mewled, and arched against Zabuza's mouth.

"I sacrificed myself for you, Zabuza-san, for your dreams."

"My dreams are nothing if you are not by my side," Zabuza replied, using the boy's own kimono as a makeshift bed, lying the smaller down and kneeling in between his legs. He sealed his mouth over Haku's to keep him from speaking, a silent command, and let his hands drift down the boy's sides, hooking into the waistband of the smaller's pants, loosening them enough to be pulled off. Zabuza sat back then, drinking in the sight of his beloved, smiling a little as he moved back to push Haku's knees to his ears, folding the boy near in half.

Haku gasped and writhed as he felt himself invaded by a wet tongue, the muscle wriggling its way into his passage, tasting his insides and wetting him for something much larger. Haku bit his lip to muffle his sounds as a hand wrapped around his need, stroking the engorged flesh in time with the thrusts from Zabuza's tongue. It was torture, and Haku mewled when that wet muscle was finally removed, replaced by two digits, made wet by Haku's own seed, pushing deep into the boy's body as Zabuza unfolded him. Haku gasped, writhed, and moaned as he felt those digits moving inside of him, scissoring to stretch that tight muscle. Zabuza's mouth was against his own then, kissing him to distract from the pain, kissing down the pale column of his throat, nibbling on his collarbone as he thrust those fingers into the boy in imitation of an organ that begged for attention. Haku could do no more than writhe and cry out, arching clear off the fabric he lay on as something deep in his body was struck, sending jolts of pleasure up his spine.

"Z-Zabuza, please!"

"Please what, love?"

Haku nearly came from that little four-letter word, having never heard the elder utter such a thing to him before. He mewled, spreading his legs wider, arching his hips into the movement of the elder's fingers, brown eyes on Zabuza's own hazel, swallowing.

"I need you inside, Zabuza…"

"Inside of you?" Zabuza removed his fingers, licking them and purring, making Haku redden in almost shame. Zabuza smiled though, head tilting.

"There's the Haku I remember." He positioned himself then, pressing his own erection against Haku's stretched passage, pushing inside as Haku wrapped his legs around Zabuza's waist, pulling him close and pushing up to get the elder inside of him to the hilt.

"And there's the Zabuza I remember," Haku replied as Zabuza bit into his shoulder at the feel of the tightness around him, that pulsing heat around him, nearly milking him, nearly forcing him to come right there. But he didn't, forcing himself to pull back and thrust in, starting a rhythm that grew increasingly rough as Haku began to cry out for him, arching into the movement as he struck that something deep in Haku that made the boy scream and tighten, his passage nearly a vice now. Zabuza was panting, his hand between them and wrapping around Haku's own erection, stroking in time with his thrusts. Haku writhed, eyes closed as he moved beneath Zabuza, arching and gasping the more he tightened, until he finally screamed out his lover's name to the night, inner walls clamping down tight around Zabuza, squeezing. Hot white passion spilled out onto Zabuza's hand, as his own spilled into the boy's body, filling him. Zabuza caught himself before he collapsed onto Haku, and managed to pull out of him before rolling to his side. Haku mewled and yawned, rolling to curl up against the stronger body, Zabuza pulling what he could of their clothes over them to serve as a makeshift blanket.

"I love you, Zabuza," Haku whispered, head pillowed on Zabuza's shoulder, safe in the elder man's embrace.

"I love you, too, Haku. Sleep now. We have a long journey ahead of us."

"Yes, sir."

Zabuza listened to Haku's breathing evening out, and sighed, burying his face in the boy's hair. He smiled, the ache in his heart disappearing the longer he held onto his reason for living. As long as he had Haku, he would keep on living. Not for ambitions or desires of power, but for this beautiful, loyal boy.

For his Haku.

Zabuza slept peacefully, perhaps for the first time in his life.