I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
As she rested her head on her hand, looking at the sparkling sky shining above her, feeling her skin dampen with perspiration, the hot, humid night driving out the chilling sensation that had taken hold on her ever since she stepped foot into the airplane that drove her away from her life, she was aware that even if this had been the right choice in her mind, she would never be able to drive the tightening feeling that had taken residence in her chest, making it hard to breathe, to eat, simply… to live.
There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening
She had known this was coming. Ever since their fateful night in front of the Hoover, she knew sooner or later her flight instincts would come barging in, breaking the most meaningful, fulfilling relationship she had ever had in her life. The absolute bone-chilling fear she had felt that night had never been fully driven out of her. She had tried to act normal, casual; both for his sake and hers, she had tried to make it seem like nothing had changed when she knew they were deluding themselves. Even as she tried to date Andrew and he briefly dated Catherine, she knew the silence of what they weren´t saying was worse than if they faced it right on. It was killing them both, slowly.
She saw his desperate gaze after Taffet´s trial. She saw how hard he was trying to cling to the last bit of normalcy between them, but she knew the center was being broken, because of her. She knew he was right to confront her that night, and even if it had brought so many changes, she was aware he couldn´t keep living a lie. She tried to hate Sweets even, but he had spoken one fundamental truth. One of them had to break the stalemate, but they both knew she would never be the one to do it. As long as their feelings were resting there, silently lurking beneath the surface, they would be fine. They could hide, and bask in the silent comfort of a hug that lasted longer than was partner or friend-like, of his hand at the small of her back, burning her skin even through the layers.
That night, outside the Founding Fathers, and she told him how tired she was, how she might need more than a little space, she saw the giddiness at seeing their friends find their way to each other be replaced with a pain deeper and more bitter than what she had seen in his eyes when she said she couldn´t be with him because she couldn´t change.
When the cab she took was far enough from him and his silhouette was nothing but a picture in her mind, her eyes had filled with tears, reminiscing of how a cab ride 6 years ago had changed her entire life. If it had been for the better or for the worse, she still didn´t know.
Perhaps if they had acted on their desire, they wouldn´t have formed the bond they now shared. Perhaps if they had, they would have been able to find something so precious that would still exist. But those were questions that would forever remained unanswered.
Staring at her surroundings, she could only picture what he was seeing now. Blood, death. His men being killed. Him trying to teach them everything to survive the hell they had accepted for the greater good.
She only hoped he wasn´t losing himself again. She hoped her decision hadn´t changed him forever, changed the only man she had let inside her soul.
Funny that because of him, she believed she had one.
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Part of the reason she had left was because there was a moment when she could no longer think of herself without associating her life with him. When Taffet´s trial was in motion, and her nights were filled with nightmares, and she woke up, drenched in sweat and chest pounding painfully, her only thought was him. She knew a hug from him could calm her, ease her fear. She knew that his arms around her would drive her fear away, and the fear became greater when she had actual confirmation. That afternoon, when he came to her place and told her he had dropped his charges against Taffet because he wouldn´t let her stand on her own, to fight alone, and she had confessed her nightmares and he had held her to his body, his scent instantly lulling her into calmness, she knew she had to do something. Her vow to herself not to hurt him was weakening exponentially, and she couldn´t let it happen, even if she broke her own heart in the process.
See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside
He had tried. Really hard. The way he had hold on to her hand that night, pleading her to have one last drink wasn´t really a demand for her company. She had seen a flash in his eyes, something that said, "Please, fight for us. Fight for this. You want this, you need this as badly as I do". And It was true. But she couldn´t hurt him.
But if she was truthful, she had to say that part of her running was for her. He had proven himself to her over and over, he had vowed to stay with her, to be her partner. But she knew that if she opened Pandora´s box, they might never be the same, and if he ever got disappointed and found she wasn´t all he wanted, as he claimed, she would literally die.
Up until he came into her life, she dismissed love and regarded it as chemicals and bodily functions. But the irrationality of what he made her feel changed every notion she had on love, on life.
He had tried to fight that night for her to stay. She could imagine what he was trying to do. Perhaps, in time, she would give in. And he wasn´t so wrong. If she had stayed she would have caved, despite her better intentions.
Daisy and everyone thought the offer to head the Maluku project had been issued after Daisy´s, but the truth is that she had known about it for quite some time. Part of the reason she had been without sleep was her overactive brain trying to come up with the right decision, because she knew the rift it would cause between them would never be mended.
But she needed to do it.
When he first told her he had been offered to return to the Army, she had tried to act nonchalant and rational as always, even complimenting him. But when she saw how heavily the worry settled on his shoulders, she knew leaving was the only course of action. How could she not? She knew that if she stayed behind, she would die of loneliness, of heartbreak. And thus, she accepted.
Even if Daisy´s meddling had been annoying, at the end, it turned out fortunate. But that day, by the coffee cart, she saw how hurt, how betrayed he was. That night, when she got home, she spent long hours crying for what she was making him do, for what she was doing to them, to herself, but she couldn´t stop.
Her lips had positively tingled as they talked that last time in the airport. She wished so badly that he, for once, stopped being the always-understanding, gentleman he was and took what he wanted. She wanted to take the memory of his lips, of his taste with her, to calm the pain she was already feeling. But he only grasped the hand as he made her promise to meet one year from that day.
His eyes, as he walked away from her were haunted, and lacked their usual vibrancy. Even from afar, she could see the sheen of unshed tears, and when he turned his back, she knew that if she didn´t love him so much, didn´t want happiness for him so much, she would have run to him and plead him to stay, to stay safe. With Her.
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do
She had only received one email from him. One. He told her he had a bit of a surprise for her, and that she shouldn´t worry for his wellbeing. He wasn´t being a hero. He was staying safe. He knew his son needs him. And so he had stayed relatively far from danger, even if it the concept was "laughable".
He had ended that short communication with a "Hope you found all the answers you needed".
Those words had stung. But she knew they were deserved.
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood
She was watching them from across the street. They were laughing, and he was holding her to his body with one heavy arm draped across her shoulder, very much the same way he had done when they walked away from the Hoover, the promise of fighting for what they had always been overriding the need to fight for what they could be. He was nuzzling her neck, and she was giggling.
The woman in her wanted to hate her, but she could see why he had been drawn to her. She was tall, blond, beautiful. Perfect body. Perfect hair. Even perfect attitude. Sweet, funny to a fault, not awkward in social settings. Just perfect.
She knew this was the right thing. Her choice had been right. But it felt wrong. Because when she saw him stare into her eyes, and bend his head to brush his lips against her, the tears came without her permission. When he hugged her to his chest, and deepened the kiss, she remembered exactly how he had tasted on that rainy night outside a pool bar 6 years ago. Hot. Heavy.
Heavenly.
She hid behind a thick oak tree, and saw him raise his head and tenderly brush a hand against her cheek, and the answering tilt of her head, followed by her body snuggling closer to his, resting his head on those perfect shoulders. Shoulders that carried the weight of the world above them.
She knew she wasn´t afraid of love. She was just like Angela. She could see it. She embraced it.
She wouldn´t run from him like she had done.
But when she saw her rub his back soothingly, and he placed his chin above her head, she only wanted to go over there, smack her hands away and scream to her that she had no right to touch him, for her heart owned him as much as his owned hers.
But she had lost that right when all he got in reply for his gentle, generous offers of love was her coldness and her fear.
And right now, she knew she would always be the perfect partner, the best friend.
But her shot at happiness had gone up in flames by her own hands.
Because in front of her stood a woman who had the strength she lacked to open her heart.
And she knew, just knew, it wouldn´t be long before her place in his heart would be nothing but a sorrowful memory to him, and a lifetime of pain for her.
