A/N:
I wrote this in one hour and a half because I needed to get things off my chest and I had this scene of them stuck in my head, so that's why this is messy.
I guess this can be linked to a future chapter in the 'If I Could Say What I Want To Say' universe, or simply read as an alternate universe one-shot.
I changed the lyrics of the song for obvious reasons, the title also comes from the song.
. . .
Know All The Things That Make You Who You Are
I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the boy with the broken smile
Ask him if he wants to stay a while
And he will be loved…
-Maroon 5, She Will Be Loved
Hijikata had his face buried in his hands, he was trying to keep his breaths steady but it was a task far too challenging to manage in that moment. He exhaled with some difficulty and combed a rough hand through his already dishevelled hair, his eyes stung and the lump in his throat was hard to swallow down while he was staring determinedly at a random spot in the blank wall.
He was trying to think, but the only thoughts catching up to him were jumbled together, too messed up to have a logic connection that would make sense. It felt like everything was becoming worse. But worse was turning in the worst.
He just wanted to numb the pain in his head and he wanted to numb the pain in his heart too, because people often said that loving with your head and loving with your heart were two different things, but they forgot to say that feeling pain with your heart and feeling pain with your head were also two different things. And no matter how much you analyze and rationalize with your head the causes, it still hurts.
His phone started ringing.
He sighed exhausted. He didn't want to pick it up, he didn't want to talk to anyone, or do anything really, except maybe wallow in his self-pity and hope situations could be magically turned around or even disappear altogether.
Something inside didn't let him ignore the call however, because what if it was something urgent? Or maybe even good news? In his haste to grab the device from the nightstand beside the bed he didn't bother checking the caller ID. As soon as he was about to talk the voice on the other side interrupted him.
"Look outside the window."
The cellphone almost dropped from his hand when he heard Gintoki's deep and clear voice fill his right ear. It took approximately one second and a half to let his brain decipher the words and soon enough he was scrambling to his feet, trying not to trip over the furniture in the spacious hotel room and get to the window because- his heart was pounding in his head- what if he really was…
When he drew back the curtains his mouth dropped open in shock.
Gintoki was standing outside.
The lamplights illuminated the streets in a play of lights and shadows, settling on him in a way that was so perfect it was difficult to believe it had not, somehow, been intentional, because he was shining in the darkness of the night.
When Hijikata had first arrived it had been raining and the weather forecast said it might snow during the night. Now it was neither raining nor snowing, instead, as if the weather could not decide what it wanted to be, it was a mixture of the two pouring down the sky, like blood from an open cut.
And Gintoki was standing right under it. From the glass getting washed in droplets Hijikata could see his red scarf, both of them had worn it so much now he didn't even know if it belonged to himself or Gintoki anymore. He felt like running down and running in his arms but his feet were rooted to the spot.
"…What the fuck are you doing here?" Really, that was the only question that came to mind.
"You think I'd be back at home lazing around and just wasting time until you came back? Hey, I know you expect me to be a shitty boyfriend but I have a limit too."
And even if he was on the fourth floor he could still make out Gintoki's expression, somehow, and connect it to his voice, and in his mind he could see Gintoki's sarcastic and easy-going smirk clearly, a smirk that had a deeper edge to it.
Hijikata sighed tiredly, feeling a distinct sense of guilt settling on the pit of his stomach even if Gintoki hadn't meant for it to be taken seriously. "I don't think you're a shitty boyfriend you moron, I just…. Gintoki-"
"God, I like it so much when you say my name." Gintoki's low whisper set off tiny goosebumps crawling over his skin, his voice was dripping with honesty and he wondered if the man was even aware of it. "I missed that."
Hijikata pressed his lips together in an attempt to reel himself in because words- embarrassingly sweet words- were threatening to spill out of his mouth.
"…Gintoki." He repeated his name again in a sort of clipped way, like he was trying to cut off the imminent emotions willing to mess his head up even more.
"I missed you so much, Toshiro."
How could Hijikata even try after that? Gintoki wasn't playing fair and his heart was already aching for him.
He saw him put his other hand on his pocket, there was a tint of lightness in his tone that Hijikata had craved for days. "…You know, this kinda feels like a scene out of a movie, or one of those old romantic songs. I told you I was good at the whole romance thing-y."
Hijikata bit his lip to try and steer off a few chuckles, but he decided that laughing might actually be the best medicine at the moment and he let his quiet voice ring freely for less than a few seconds, and tried to forcefully push in his brain the memory of Gintoki's light-hearted attempts at romance amidst the dark thoughts stuck in there like parasites.
He nodded as if Gintoki could clearly see the action. "Yeah, you did."
"I was even thinking about serenading you. I could just straight up start singing right here right now, but I have an impending feeling that you'd end up being an asshole about it and start laughing at my very earnest and profound efforts." His tone was as playful as it may be and the smile was transparent in his voice, but the way he had said it sounded as if he was seriously considering the option, and Hijikata's chest was tightening like it wanted to crush his heart because Gintoki had driven so many miles just to see him, and to make him laugh, and to make him forget, and to try and make him feel better, and Hijikata had no idea why Gintoki thought he deserved so much from him.
"Please spare my eardrums." He mumbled through the chuckles even though he wanted to do nothing else but melt in a fountain of happily falling tears.
"I knew it, you're such an asshole." Gintoki whispered in the receiver in the sweetest way.
"And you're a jerk." Hijikata murmured back in gratefulness.
It felt like miles were separating them and at the same time it felt like they were only inches apart.
"…You shouldn't be here." Hijikata murmured in a hushed tone, but he said it in the same way someone who wanted their lover to be right there with them would do.
Gintoki smiled in a way that was both confident and unsure.
Because he was a continuous antithesis Hijikata thought that after all this time he had been able to almost piece together.
However Gintoki's voice was sure when he spoke. "And you think that's enough to keep me away from you?"
His words were as surprisingly unexpected as they were warmly welcomed and the storm outside was taking place inside him as well, and Hijikata's heart was so full because he was here, he really was here.
"I wouldn't mind spending the whole night- no, I wouldn't mind spending the whole night and the day after, and the next week, and the next month, and the next year, and whatever comes after that, right here under this storm, until my hands wrinkle up so badly from the rain I'll put all the old men at the bar to shame, just to tell you that your eyes are the most fucking beautiful thing to exist."
Hijikata didn't know if he wanted to laugh or cry. He settled for quiet chuckles and blinked rapidly because Gintoki's figure seemed a little distorted from the tears filling his vision.
"And that I like seeing you smile. Seriously, I like it so much I'm starting to think it's a problem."
A little laugh made its way past his throat this time and he couldn't stop it.
Gintoki's voice sounded as heavy as Hijikata felt. "…But it hurts me knowing that right now instead of smiling you're trying to hide the tears from me. Knowing I can't do anything to make this… this mess stop."
Hijikata's mouth opened slightly and then closed, he swallowed and blinked quickly, the liquid hanging to his eyelashes wasn't helping. Gintoki's words, so straightforward and sincere, were like a gentle punch to his gut.
The man was soaked to the bones by now, there was an almost unnoticeable waver in his voice and even from however feet apart they were and the slightly fogged up glass, Hijikata could still imagine seeing Gintoki's trembling arms.
"…You're an idiot." He surrendered, let the tears fall from his eyes, he couldn't stop them this time.
Gintoki's own tears were almost ready to fall. "I'm your idiot."
Hijikata thumped his forehead against the glass, the shocking cold of it felt heavenly on his feverish skin, and he splayed his hand across the window as if he could go through it and reach Gintoki this way. He focused on the not exactly even breaths on the other line.
"You can't… you can't just do things like-" coming all the way here just to tell me these beautiful words and make me feel like the luckiest man alive to have you in my life "-this." He whispered instead.
Gintoki's lovely and light-hearted laughter seeped into his voice. "I don't mind. Just to see you smile I could stay right here and keep telling you how much I love you, every day, until you get tired of it. I would do anything for you Toshiro… but you already know that."
Hijikata squeezed his eyes shut even tighter, because with every sentence Gintoki was adding, a new emotion spread through him, and there were so many layers right now it felt like he was being physically attacked.
Hijikata's eyes filled with something Gintoki couldn't see but he could feel. "Yeah. I know."
"I would go through hell and back for you."
Gintoki's voice was stripped down of anything but truth.
Hijikata's soul was stripped down of anything but brokenness.
"…I know."
"I love you…" Gintoki's eyes filled with something Hijikata couldn't see but he could feel. "I love you so fucking much. You know that?"
Hijikata knew. And not just because he had heard the confession countless times already. He could see it in everything Gintoki did. And for the two of them actions truly did speak louder than words.
He pressed his phone closer to his ear, as if he could have Gintoki closer too this way.
And suddenly everything came crashing down, rushing through him in painful ways that he knew he was unable to deal with on his own. And Gintoki was here for that reason, because he knew that he needed him right now, he needed him more than he needed to breathe in oxygen to stay alive, and as scary as the notion was, it was so infinitely comforting knowing he was here.
Seeing him out of the window was not enough. He needed to have Gintoki with him right this instant.
"I would-" Gintoki began but this time Hijikata interrupted him.
"If you don't come up I'm coming down." His voice was laced with the type of urgency he felt only with him.
Gintoki ended their phone call, he was already running towards the entrance.
It felt like an hour and a second when he heard the loud knocks, he was already standing in front of the door so he wasted no time and opened it.
Dripping wet and with laboured breaths from all the stairs he had ran up Gintoki was the perfect resemblance of a waterfall, but water couldn't even dare to hide the feelings showing on his face and he was the most beautiful sight Hijikata had ever been surprised with. He almost lost the words he wanted to say.
"I fucking love you too you idiot."
Gintoki pretended to scoff even if the lilt to his lips was more emotional than Hijikata's. "Stop being so cheesy. You're making me cringe from second-hand embarrassment."
Hijikata's mouth dropped open in outrage this time. "You literally embodied cheesiness with your confessions under the rain and-and those lines about my eyes and… just like something out of a chick-flick and I'm the embarrassing one? I-"
"I love you." Gintoki interrupted him in the best way someone could be ever interrupted, as if he was repeating the words until Hijikata's head could not be possibly filled with anything else but his love for him.
And Hijikata's eyes were swimming in salty liquid all over again.
"Shut up." He said instead of saying 'please say it again' and he knew that Gintoki knew, and they were both smiling like two idiots.
Gintoki finally took a step forward and enveloped him in his arms.
It was everything.
Hijikata had tried for days on end to never stop and think about Gintoki's warm and reassuring hold, because he thought that once he did he wouldn't be able to stay here without him anymore, and now his theory had just been proven right.
They remained locked in like they had been starved of each other's touch for years.
He was probably the only person in the entire planet who could make him feel like broken pieces could turn unbroken.
"I'm right here." The words were muffled on his shoulder and Hijikata could feel Gintoki's warm breath and his wet clothes right on his skin. He didn't think he had ever felt a more wonderful contrast in all his years alive. "I'm always going to be here for you."
And his words… they drove a pathway into his heart and destroyed all his carefully crafted defences and built up walls like wrecking balls in the span of a few lonely heartbeats.
Knowing there was someone he could depend on, someone like Gintoki, who knew him more than he even knew himself… it felt so downright relieving he could cry again.
The smile on his face didn't fade however and he tried to bring his boyfriend impossibly closer, their hearts were beating out of key and at the same time they were in sync with one another.
"I know." He lost count of how many times he had said it that night. "…I'll always be here for you too." He added just so Gintoki would know too.
He felt his smile widen on his shoulder when he replied. "Yeah. I know."
When Hijikata felt like he wouldn't fall to pieces if Gintoki stopped holding him, he leaned away, only slightly, enough to be able to look at him. Gintoki's emotions were racing through his eyes and he carefully tried to recognize most of them.
"There's something else that always happens at the end of those movies." His voice dragged over him like petals on his skin.
Hijikata's gaze didn't leave his. "And what's that?"
Gintoki brought up a hand and stroked the side of his face tenderly. "A kiss."
Hijikata's mouth curved up at the edges and Gintoki erased the distance between them.
They kissed with the taste of wet rain and salty tears hanging off their lips, Gintoki's other hand came to rest on the back of his neck and Hijikata was gripping his shoulders. It was slow and hard at the same time, they tried to convey their feelings through their mouths moving in tandem and in the middle of it, for one reason or another, they started smiling and snickering, rendering the kissing part a little more difficult. So how was that one of the best kisses they ever had?
When they parted for air Gintoki cupped both his cheeks and pressed a few more gentle pecks to his lips, if Hijikata had not melted already he sure did now. He opened his eyes through the daze clouding his brain and Gintoki still seemed to be shining.
"How did you even get here?" He managed to ask in his rather mollified state.
"I bribed a taxi driver." Gintoki grinned confidently, then his face fell a little. "It didn't work." But he lit up again. "Then I got into another taxi, I was dropped a few blocks away and ran all the way here until I was sure the driver lost me so I didn't have to pay."
"Of course." Hijikata was doing that thing between shaking his head unimpressed and laughing amused, he should have expected something like that, and he was so incredibly glad Gintoki had done so just to come and see him.
And he wanted him to stay here, he didn't think he would be able to handle the thought of Gintoki leaving after this.
"…Stay?" Hijikata asked with the fear he would leave.
Gintoki's already soft eyes softened impossibly so and he put on a smirk to balance out his expression. "You really think I'd leave after this grand romantic gesture? What kind of gentleman would I be?"
Hijikata felt like laughing in relief, he did.
Gintoki's smirk became a smile and he pulled him in once again, kissing his skin as if it was the physical reassurance he needed to know that things were going to eventually get fixed.
Hijikata was starting to get lost in the affection and adoration the man was showing, his sweet words already making him feel warm under his skin and safe, when Gintoki's voice interrupted his inner thoughts once again.
"Not to ruin the atmosphere or anything… but my pants are so wet they're sticking to my ass. And not in the good way."
Hijikata pulled away and made a face. "Is there even a good way?"
And they both snorted.
The adrenaline rush was so strong they found something stupid a lot funnier than it should really be. It didn't take long for them to double over themselves and Hijikata vented out all the heavy feelings hanging over him like a ghost, he started laughing so hard tears fell from his eyes, and Gintoki followed right after him.
And for a while Hijikata forgot anything that didn't involve the love Gintoki made him feel.
Part 1/2 of He Will Be Loved.
. . .
A/N: At first I wanted to come up with a reason why Hijikata was feeling sad for the plot, but I think it's better if everyone just comes up with their own in the end, imagine whatever you want, honestly the important part was just Gintoki being there for him.
And this was very badly written but it's okay, I just wanted to get it out tonight.
If you're sad and don't have a Gintoki don't worry, your Gin will come around eventually. And until then you can let me annoy you with a lot of fluff :)
