Why? I Don't Know.
Summary: It's too late. I'm going over the edge. It will never end. (Sorry for Terrible Summary.)
Disclaimer: I'm sure you all know this already. I don't own HSM.
AN: Um… I don't even know why I wrote this or how it turned out so review to tell me? :D
It's too late.
I have boyfriend. He's great. Really…
He's everything everyone wants in a guy and more.
He's good looking, he respects me in so many ways, and he always says the right things.
All my friends are jealous. Even the one's who have boyfriends. He truly is the guy everyone wishes for…
Except me.
Me parents love everything about him.
My grandparents are picturing our 'beautiful babies'.
He never cancels a date. He always calls exactly when he says he will.
Not once has he raised his voice at me. Not once has he been upset with me in the slightest.
So why can't I love him?
I know why. I know exactly why I can't love him.
It's all because of one guy. One stupid, incredible, idiotic, amazing man.
This man ruined any chance I will ever have to fall in love with anyone else.
Troy Bolton…
All my friends are glad he's no longer in my life.
My parents never liked him. They said he brought out my bad side.
I can't blame them. We always fought and I would come home crying many nights.
He mad me so mad sometimes. I would lie in bed and think of why I put up with his bullshit.
The only reason I could ever come up with was simple, to the point and stupid…
I loved him.
Love. It is the simplest word with the most complicated context behind it.
I never loved anyone before Troy. I didn't know what love was supposed to be like.
Was love supposed to hurt so much you had to clutch you chest just to keep from falling apart?
Was love supposed to make you want to change everything about yourself just so you can be with one person?
Was love supposed to make you feel like you couldn't possibly live your life without seeing his face every single day?
I didn't, and still don't know the answers to these questions. Nor the millions of other questions I have about this now foreign feeling they call love.
One question…
I only want the answer to one question.
Why does everyone want love sooo much when it hurts sooo bad?
This is a question I thought I knew the answer to. It was so simple back then. It all made sense.
Everyone wanted love because it made you feel more than you ever felt before. It was more amazing than amazing.
It was so indescribable that you would take any pain just to feel that feeling for one more second. I took pain, and I am still taking pain.
It is now a pain that will never stop. A pain that leaves me crying my self to sleep only to wake up screaming whilst clutching my chest. I'm going to fall apart.
I will never have that feeling again.
I will never love the way I loved before. He will never come back.
I am not the same. I never will be the same. I want to be the same. I want it all back to normal.
Is that so selfish?
Is it selfish that I want to feel again? Selfish that I want to be happy?
Why did he have to ruin my life!?
NO! I will never say that again. I wouldn't take back my time with Troy even if it didn't end with me in this much pain.
Do you have any idea how long it took me to even think of his name? Any idea how long it took me to get out of bed? Too long.
My parents didn't understand why I dated him. They also didn't understand why I cried for sooo long after it happened. I can't blame them.
I had another boyfriend. Troy was long gone out of my life and I appeared happy to those on the outside. Why would I cry when it happened?
You may be asking what it is. But I'm not ready to think about that yet. It hurts too much. Everything hurts too much. Why can't I be normal?
Everyone looks at me like I'm crazy. Normally that would bug me but it sure beats the sympathetic eyes I would meet if people actually liked Troy.
God I miss him.
I miss everything about out relationship.
I miss the screaming, fighting, kissing, hugging, yelling, swearing, stupid things.
I miss the way he used to touch me. I miss the way he could make me do things I would normally never do.
My boyfriend of the now would never make me do anything I wouldn't want. Normally that would be good, but I hate it.
I need someone to make me do crazy things. I need someone to make me… ahh what's the word… interesting.
That's it right there. Interesting… without Troy I am beyond boring. I don't do anything exciting because no one is there telling me to stop being a baby and just do it.
Why did I do it?
Why did I ever think my life would be better of without him?
Why did I let him go? Why did he go? Couldn't he see how badly I needed him?
I shouldn't say that. He knew how much I needed him. He knew and he told me too…
When I was breaking up with him I saw the pain in his eyes. I looked away but continued to do the one thing that ruined my entire life.
He said to me "Gabriella. Don't do this. You need me. You know you do. And I need you. I need you more than anyone needs anything in the world!"
Maybe I would have listened to him if I looked into his eyes. The eyes that I often found myself so lost in. The eyes that I will never get to see again. I need to see those eyes!
Why?
The one question that no one will ever be able to answer but everyone needs to know.
It doesn't matter what follows that why. But as soon as you start a question with why you should know that you will never get the right answer.
You may get an answer but it won't be the answer.
It's kind of like "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Does anyone actually know why the chicken crossed the road? Does anyone actually know why we do anything or why we feel anything?
God what I would give to feel again.
I know it's impossible. I will never ever be able to feel again. Not the way I did with Troy.
I bet your asking why again aren't you? Too bad.
I guess my reason for telling you this is pretty simple. But then again… what is simple these days.
As I was saying – I'm telling you this because I don't want you to ever make the same mistake that I did.
NEVER EVER let go of the one person that truly enters your heart. The one person that makes your life flip upside down and all around.
I let go, but I will never move on and most certainly not ever forget. Someone said that to me once. They told me just to forget about him and move on.
I nearly took there head off. Did they not understand that forgetting about him would push me completely over the edge!? My whole existence now depends on my faint and unjust memory of him in my mind.
The memories. They are so clear yet so abstract.
I try so hard to hold on to my memories. The good the bad, the fun the boring. Anything I can grasp.
I see him in my mind. He is always there. He is the only thing that is 100% constantly there, no matter what I'm doing or what I'm thinking.
I always see him. That's the abstract part of our memories. Him. My memories don't give him justice. The colour of his eyes, the colour of hair and the sound of his voice.
All the things I want so bad to see, hear and touch again.
I don't even know how I even got this far without seeing him. Normally it would get easier as time went along.
But apparently everything about me in abnormal nowadays. As time goes on I start to feel the pain more often and more intense. I shut more people out now.
I can't walk, talk, sit, stand or do anything with you clutching my arms around me body to keep from falling apart. Yet despite all my efforts, it's getting harder and harder to hold myself together.
I don't know how much longer this can go on.
It's not getting any easier and it won't ever get easier!
I never told him either. I think that eats at me the most. Never once in the time we were together did I tell him I loved him.
I always thought it was just assumed between us. I mean, I knew he loved me and I knew I loved him so why did we have to say it out loud?
It didn't matter then. But now I realize that it matters more than anything matters. Maybe saying those three words out loud would have made me change my mind about breaking up with him.
I know he would laugh if I told him. If I said "You know I love you right?" He would laugh and say "Of course!"
I'll say it now. I will scream it at the top of my lungs. But it won't change anything because he won't ever hear it!
Oh, what I would give to hear his laugh.
Now there is one question you a probably asking. One that begins with 'why' naturally. And I can answer this one. This one is an exception to my earlier statements.
Why don't I go after him?
Oh I would go after him in a second if I could. I would be in his arms in a split second. I would crash my lips on to his and never come up for air again if I could.
But I can't.
Why, you may ask again. Man am I ever starting to get sick of that word.
I can't go after him because…
He's dead.
There, I thought it. The thought that has been forebode from my mind since the day it happened.
I thought it would hurt to think those words. But boy was I wrong. This doesn't just hurt. This here must be what hell feels like. This pain is more indescribable than love itself.
Love. That doesn't even begin to describe the way I feel about Troy. Love is a word people throw around way too often. It has such little meaning these days.
This pain is excruciating. I can't talk anymore. I can't think anymore. I've gone over the edge.
Troy Bolton, the one man I have ever and will ever love, is dead.
You may be asking what's going to happen to me now.
And well frankly, like so many other things, I don't know.
AN: I have no idea if that makes any sense or if any one will like it but I just felt like typing, and this is what came out so… Review please.
