Okay – some people may think this story is a little odd. I have to admit
that I am one of these people even though I wrote it. It takes place right
after "Beyond Repair." The second chapter should be posted soon. I hope
you enjoy this story even though you may have to use your imagination a
little to see where I'm going at first. Still, I really do hope you enjoy
it. Please review!
After Abby finished the beer and her conversation with Joyce, she somehow got to her apartment with it mind still clear. It wasn't the alcohol that was having the effect on her, but knowing what she had just done. Somehow, though, she didn't see it as six years down the drain, but as a personal test. She hadn't passed the test, but she hadn't failed either.
She wasn't surprised that no one had known it was her birthday, although with Richard it was a little frustrating. Richard. He was getting married and having a family all at the same time. She had sat there so wanting to tell them about the family that they could have had, if she hadn't been such a coward. She was living this fearful life. Fearful that she might get too attached to something or someone and have to trust them. She had let herself get attached to Richard and then he had gone and screwed it up. She had wanted to trust Luka. She sincerely did, but there were just too many other things involved in their relationship. Then there was Carter. She supposed she had gotten attached to him too. But it was different with John. She had wrongly assumed that he would always be there to talk to. By blocking out his open feelings, she had hoped to distract him into not wanting anything else to happen.
Having to give Douglas up that day had been like the day she had gotten rid of her own child. It had been a pretty spring day, but she had focused all of that out of her head as she went to do what she felt needed to be done. One of the first things that popped into her head when she realized that she was pregnant was her mother. Could she stand it if her child was born and had the same disease as her mother? Working in OB she had seen so many mothers who said they would love their child no matter what. She couldn't promise the same thing, though. She didn't want to have to go through raising another Maggie.
So she had taken the easy way out. Three years had gone by though. As the alcohol had gone down her throat Abby thought about what she was really doing. She was throwing her life away again. She was letting something material consume her. Was that how she wanted to spent her entire life? Trying to get one thing accomplished and throwing it away?
Thoughts went running threw her head as she lay on her bed. Suddenly she realized what she wanted. A baby. It all seemed so simple all of a sudden. She could take care of it and raise it on her own. She was finally willing to get past her fear and look it in the face. A baby.
Then the negative side of her brain took over again and made her look at things more realistically. Morning sickness, swollen feet, labor, 2 am feedings, constant screaming, doing it on her own.
"I can handle it." Abby said to herself, pushing the positive thinking back into her head. "I'm not afraid anymore."
Another problem arose though. The father. She wouldn't go to a sperm bank and have some stranger's child. It would have to be someone she knew and trusted, and someone who wouldn't be too emotionally attached. Luka would never agree to it. He was going to Bosnia anyway.
That left Carter. Abby sighed as she thought of this second choice. Well, the child would certainly be gorgeous. She smiled as she thought of this. Her smile faded as she began to think of a way she could get him to help her. Of course if he was still going out with Susan, the plan would be ruined. Looking at her watch, she realized it was still early. She quickly picked up her phone and dialed John's number.
"Hello?" A voice answered the phone.
"Uh, hey John. It's me. Abby." She said quickly.
"Oh, um, hi." Carter said, a little uneasy.
"Susan isn't there is she?" Abby said, sensing that John was tense about something.
"Uh, no. She's not. We broke up. Tonight actually."
"I'm sorry." Abby said truthfully.
"It's not your fault." John said.
"I, uh, just wanted to ask you something, but I didn't really want to do it on the phone. What time are you on tomorrow?" Abby asked.
"9." John responded.
"You wanna meet at 8 at Doc's?"
"Sure."
"Okay. See you tomorrow." Abby said and hung up the phone quickly. Part one of her plan was now taken care of, although she was sure she had left Carter wondering what was going on.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The next morning Abby arose at 6:30 and got in the shower. She emerged 20 minutes later and headed into her closet. After several minutes, she decided on wearing a pair of snug dark blue jeans and a white turtleneck sweater. She glanced at her watch and saw it was 7:15. She slid on her boots and grabbed her black leather jacket and her hat and started out the door to her apartment. She headed towards the El station and got on the train. As she arrived at her stop, she exited the train and proceeded down the steps. She reached Doc Magoo's in a few minutes and looked at her watch one more time. 7:52. She was right on time. She pushed open the door to the diner and pulled off her hat as she walked in. Looking around for an empty booth, she noticed a familiar face. He was facing her and watched her as she came and sat down across from him.
"You're early." Abby said with a small smile.
"I needed to get out of the house." John said. "What do you want to ask me?"
"How bout we get some coffee first?" Abby asked.
"Sure." Carter said and summoned the waitress over. After they gave their orders and the waitress walked away, John faced Abby again. Abby avoided his gaze at first, but then looked up at him.
"I'm not exactly sure how to ask this. You're not going to understand at first, but I really want you to." Abby asked uncomfortably.
"What is it?" John asked, somewhat concerned about what she could possibly be asking.
"I've been thinking a lot about something. I want to have a baby." Abby finally spit out.
"Why are you telling me this?" Carter said after a moment, trying to figure out what was going on.
"I…uh…I want you to be the father. I mean…you don't have to actually be a father…I…uh…" Abby stammered, trying to express what she wanted to say.
"Wait a sec." Carter said, confused. "What are you saying?"
"I'm offering you one night of meaningless sex. One night for me to get pregnant. After that you never have to be involved again. I'm not going to ask for money or anything like that. I'd raise it all by myself."
"There are other ways you know. You don't have to do it like this." Carter responded.
"I've thought about it. I don't want to have some random guys sperm zapped into my body. And any adoption agency would take one look at my alcoholism and veto me. This is my only way." Abby explained. She looked at John for any trace of an answer. All she saw was him take a sigh and place his hand on his head. She made a similar gesture.
"You know what. It was stupid of me to ask. I'm being selfish and conceited again." Abby sighed.
"No you're not. I just don't understand why you suddenly decided this."
"You don't have to do it. I shouldn't have said anything. I didn't realize you and Susan had broken up." Abby mumbled as she got her coat and things together.
"Where are you going?" John asked looking up.
"I don't want to waste any more of your time. I'm going to go into the ER."
"You know I haven't said no yet."
"Huh?" Abby said whipping her head around to look at Carter.
"I never said no. You assumed I would say no."
"Are you saying yes?" Abby questioned.
"I'm saying I'll think about it." Carter answered.
"Oh. Well I'm gonna get going anyway. I'll see you in there." Abby said quickly and left the restaurant.
Two days later Abby was standing on the roof of the hospital smoking a cigarette when a voice made her turn around.
"You know you'll have to give that up if you're going to have a baby." The voice said.
"Well I'm not having a baby yet." Abby said sarcastically, but extinguishing the cigarette.
"I've thought about it you know. I'm not sure it's a good idea to bring a child into the world where the mother is just trying to forget her own problems and doesn't want the father to have any part in its life."
"Oh." Was all Abby could say.
"But…" Carter continued, "If this is really what you want then I'll do it."
"What?" Abby said, quickly looking up.
"I said yes, I'll do it." John said with a smile. Abby came over and gave him a big hug.
"Thanks." She whispered, trying not to cry.
"No problem." Carter whispered back.
"So what do we do now?" He asked after the hug was over.
"Uh, how about you come over on Friday. That is if you're not doing anything…" Abby responded.
"I'm not doing anything. What time?"
"Um, around eight?"
"I'll be there." John said with a smile.
"Okay." Abby smiled back.
"Are you off now?" Carter asked.
"Yeah, about 40 minutes ago. You?"
"Five minutes ago." John answered looking at his watch. "You want to get some coffee or something?"
"No, I think I'm just gonna go home."
"Oh. Well then I'll see you later."
"Okay." Abby said and watched him walk back towards the door. A few minutes later she did the same.
*Friday*
Abby had gotten home at about five o'clock. She nervously tidied up her apartment and waited for Carter to arrive. The next thing she knew her doorbell was ringing and she looked up at the clock and realized it was already eight. She hesitantly opened the door and welcome Carter in. He was dressed very casually with a dark red sweater and a pair of khaki pants on.
"Hey." Abby said with a small smile ushering him into her living room.
"Hey." John said coming into the small apartment.
"Do you want something to drink? I have water, coke, tea."
"Water's fine." Abby brought him a glass of water and sat down on her sofa.
"So what do we do now?" Carter asked after a couple minutes of uncomfortable silence.
"Uh, I guess we should go into the bedroom." Abby offered. She shrugged and walked towards the room and John followed. He took off his sweater and set it on the couch as he left the room. As he entered the room he saw Abby sitting on the bed and he went and sat next to her. After a moment, he started to lean in to kiss her.
"You don't have kiss me." Abby said quietly and shut her eyes and stood up. "You know what? This is too awkward. I'm sorry. I can't do this."
Abby went quickly into the bathroom and shut the door. Carter sighed and then knocked on the door.
"Abby?"
"You can go if you want to. I didn't know it was going to be this difficult."
"I don't want to leave. This was your idea. Come out of the bathroom."
"I'd be a horrible mother anyway. You were right. I just want this to solve my problems."
"Abby, I didn't mean that. You're going to be a great mother."
"You really think so?" Abby asked, opening the door and sticking her head out.
"Yes I do." Carter smiled. "So tonight means nothing? Anything that happens stays in this apartment?"
"Something like that." Abby said still sitting in the bathroom.
"Then this doesn't mean anything." Carter said and came over to her and gave her a long kiss. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he carried her back to the bed. As he lay her down and she kissed him back, all the sexual tension that had been developed in the past year was forgotten and their night of passion began.
After Abby finished the beer and her conversation with Joyce, she somehow got to her apartment with it mind still clear. It wasn't the alcohol that was having the effect on her, but knowing what she had just done. Somehow, though, she didn't see it as six years down the drain, but as a personal test. She hadn't passed the test, but she hadn't failed either.
She wasn't surprised that no one had known it was her birthday, although with Richard it was a little frustrating. Richard. He was getting married and having a family all at the same time. She had sat there so wanting to tell them about the family that they could have had, if she hadn't been such a coward. She was living this fearful life. Fearful that she might get too attached to something or someone and have to trust them. She had let herself get attached to Richard and then he had gone and screwed it up. She had wanted to trust Luka. She sincerely did, but there were just too many other things involved in their relationship. Then there was Carter. She supposed she had gotten attached to him too. But it was different with John. She had wrongly assumed that he would always be there to talk to. By blocking out his open feelings, she had hoped to distract him into not wanting anything else to happen.
Having to give Douglas up that day had been like the day she had gotten rid of her own child. It had been a pretty spring day, but she had focused all of that out of her head as she went to do what she felt needed to be done. One of the first things that popped into her head when she realized that she was pregnant was her mother. Could she stand it if her child was born and had the same disease as her mother? Working in OB she had seen so many mothers who said they would love their child no matter what. She couldn't promise the same thing, though. She didn't want to have to go through raising another Maggie.
So she had taken the easy way out. Three years had gone by though. As the alcohol had gone down her throat Abby thought about what she was really doing. She was throwing her life away again. She was letting something material consume her. Was that how she wanted to spent her entire life? Trying to get one thing accomplished and throwing it away?
Thoughts went running threw her head as she lay on her bed. Suddenly she realized what she wanted. A baby. It all seemed so simple all of a sudden. She could take care of it and raise it on her own. She was finally willing to get past her fear and look it in the face. A baby.
Then the negative side of her brain took over again and made her look at things more realistically. Morning sickness, swollen feet, labor, 2 am feedings, constant screaming, doing it on her own.
"I can handle it." Abby said to herself, pushing the positive thinking back into her head. "I'm not afraid anymore."
Another problem arose though. The father. She wouldn't go to a sperm bank and have some stranger's child. It would have to be someone she knew and trusted, and someone who wouldn't be too emotionally attached. Luka would never agree to it. He was going to Bosnia anyway.
That left Carter. Abby sighed as she thought of this second choice. Well, the child would certainly be gorgeous. She smiled as she thought of this. Her smile faded as she began to think of a way she could get him to help her. Of course if he was still going out with Susan, the plan would be ruined. Looking at her watch, she realized it was still early. She quickly picked up her phone and dialed John's number.
"Hello?" A voice answered the phone.
"Uh, hey John. It's me. Abby." She said quickly.
"Oh, um, hi." Carter said, a little uneasy.
"Susan isn't there is she?" Abby said, sensing that John was tense about something.
"Uh, no. She's not. We broke up. Tonight actually."
"I'm sorry." Abby said truthfully.
"It's not your fault." John said.
"I, uh, just wanted to ask you something, but I didn't really want to do it on the phone. What time are you on tomorrow?" Abby asked.
"9." John responded.
"You wanna meet at 8 at Doc's?"
"Sure."
"Okay. See you tomorrow." Abby said and hung up the phone quickly. Part one of her plan was now taken care of, although she was sure she had left Carter wondering what was going on.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The next morning Abby arose at 6:30 and got in the shower. She emerged 20 minutes later and headed into her closet. After several minutes, she decided on wearing a pair of snug dark blue jeans and a white turtleneck sweater. She glanced at her watch and saw it was 7:15. She slid on her boots and grabbed her black leather jacket and her hat and started out the door to her apartment. She headed towards the El station and got on the train. As she arrived at her stop, she exited the train and proceeded down the steps. She reached Doc Magoo's in a few minutes and looked at her watch one more time. 7:52. She was right on time. She pushed open the door to the diner and pulled off her hat as she walked in. Looking around for an empty booth, she noticed a familiar face. He was facing her and watched her as she came and sat down across from him.
"You're early." Abby said with a small smile.
"I needed to get out of the house." John said. "What do you want to ask me?"
"How bout we get some coffee first?" Abby asked.
"Sure." Carter said and summoned the waitress over. After they gave their orders and the waitress walked away, John faced Abby again. Abby avoided his gaze at first, but then looked up at him.
"I'm not exactly sure how to ask this. You're not going to understand at first, but I really want you to." Abby asked uncomfortably.
"What is it?" John asked, somewhat concerned about what she could possibly be asking.
"I've been thinking a lot about something. I want to have a baby." Abby finally spit out.
"Why are you telling me this?" Carter said after a moment, trying to figure out what was going on.
"I…uh…I want you to be the father. I mean…you don't have to actually be a father…I…uh…" Abby stammered, trying to express what she wanted to say.
"Wait a sec." Carter said, confused. "What are you saying?"
"I'm offering you one night of meaningless sex. One night for me to get pregnant. After that you never have to be involved again. I'm not going to ask for money or anything like that. I'd raise it all by myself."
"There are other ways you know. You don't have to do it like this." Carter responded.
"I've thought about it. I don't want to have some random guys sperm zapped into my body. And any adoption agency would take one look at my alcoholism and veto me. This is my only way." Abby explained. She looked at John for any trace of an answer. All she saw was him take a sigh and place his hand on his head. She made a similar gesture.
"You know what. It was stupid of me to ask. I'm being selfish and conceited again." Abby sighed.
"No you're not. I just don't understand why you suddenly decided this."
"You don't have to do it. I shouldn't have said anything. I didn't realize you and Susan had broken up." Abby mumbled as she got her coat and things together.
"Where are you going?" John asked looking up.
"I don't want to waste any more of your time. I'm going to go into the ER."
"You know I haven't said no yet."
"Huh?" Abby said whipping her head around to look at Carter.
"I never said no. You assumed I would say no."
"Are you saying yes?" Abby questioned.
"I'm saying I'll think about it." Carter answered.
"Oh. Well I'm gonna get going anyway. I'll see you in there." Abby said quickly and left the restaurant.
Two days later Abby was standing on the roof of the hospital smoking a cigarette when a voice made her turn around.
"You know you'll have to give that up if you're going to have a baby." The voice said.
"Well I'm not having a baby yet." Abby said sarcastically, but extinguishing the cigarette.
"I've thought about it you know. I'm not sure it's a good idea to bring a child into the world where the mother is just trying to forget her own problems and doesn't want the father to have any part in its life."
"Oh." Was all Abby could say.
"But…" Carter continued, "If this is really what you want then I'll do it."
"What?" Abby said, quickly looking up.
"I said yes, I'll do it." John said with a smile. Abby came over and gave him a big hug.
"Thanks." She whispered, trying not to cry.
"No problem." Carter whispered back.
"So what do we do now?" He asked after the hug was over.
"Uh, how about you come over on Friday. That is if you're not doing anything…" Abby responded.
"I'm not doing anything. What time?"
"Um, around eight?"
"I'll be there." John said with a smile.
"Okay." Abby smiled back.
"Are you off now?" Carter asked.
"Yeah, about 40 minutes ago. You?"
"Five minutes ago." John answered looking at his watch. "You want to get some coffee or something?"
"No, I think I'm just gonna go home."
"Oh. Well then I'll see you later."
"Okay." Abby said and watched him walk back towards the door. A few minutes later she did the same.
*Friday*
Abby had gotten home at about five o'clock. She nervously tidied up her apartment and waited for Carter to arrive. The next thing she knew her doorbell was ringing and she looked up at the clock and realized it was already eight. She hesitantly opened the door and welcome Carter in. He was dressed very casually with a dark red sweater and a pair of khaki pants on.
"Hey." Abby said with a small smile ushering him into her living room.
"Hey." John said coming into the small apartment.
"Do you want something to drink? I have water, coke, tea."
"Water's fine." Abby brought him a glass of water and sat down on her sofa.
"So what do we do now?" Carter asked after a couple minutes of uncomfortable silence.
"Uh, I guess we should go into the bedroom." Abby offered. She shrugged and walked towards the room and John followed. He took off his sweater and set it on the couch as he left the room. As he entered the room he saw Abby sitting on the bed and he went and sat next to her. After a moment, he started to lean in to kiss her.
"You don't have kiss me." Abby said quietly and shut her eyes and stood up. "You know what? This is too awkward. I'm sorry. I can't do this."
Abby went quickly into the bathroom and shut the door. Carter sighed and then knocked on the door.
"Abby?"
"You can go if you want to. I didn't know it was going to be this difficult."
"I don't want to leave. This was your idea. Come out of the bathroom."
"I'd be a horrible mother anyway. You were right. I just want this to solve my problems."
"Abby, I didn't mean that. You're going to be a great mother."
"You really think so?" Abby asked, opening the door and sticking her head out.
"Yes I do." Carter smiled. "So tonight means nothing? Anything that happens stays in this apartment?"
"Something like that." Abby said still sitting in the bathroom.
"Then this doesn't mean anything." Carter said and came over to her and gave her a long kiss. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he carried her back to the bed. As he lay her down and she kissed him back, all the sexual tension that had been developed in the past year was forgotten and their night of passion began.
