Disclaimer: I don't own them

Disclaimer: I don't own them!

Song by Melissa Etheridge

I Will Never Be The Same

So you walked with me for a while

Bared your soul

Hilde closed her eyes as she looked out her window. She left him. She couldn't stay near him. She couldn't even have him now. Not like she had wanted. A few tears rolled down her smooth cheeks. All because of that woman and his own stupidity. "That bleach blonde, surgically enhanced bimbo," she hissed out at the darkened city below. She slammed the window shut, closing out the world of New York City. She fell to her knees beside the window and began to cry. "Oh Duo, how could you," she sobbed brokenly.

And you told me of your plan

How you would never let them know

After several minutes of indulging herself in tears, she wiped them away with her hands. She stood and went to the bedroom of the spacious loft apartment. She washed her face off and down the drain went the evidence of her tears. She sighed and went back to the kitchen. She sat down at the table and began chopping onions that was going with the steak for dinner. Her chest ached with the suppressed emotion not released. She took another deep breath. "Duo please get out of my mind. Tough luck sweetheart, he's there to stay. Why do you persist in bothering me? I'll never have him. But he is part of you whether you like it or not. I wish I never loved him as much as did. As much as you still do. No. Yes. Admit it Hilde. You will always, always love him, no matter what you say or do to feel like you don't." She put the knife down and stared at the onions and started crying again.

In the morning of the night

You cried a long lost child

She couldn't stop. And she damned herself for still loving him. She could see him in her mind. His cobalt eyes flashing mischievously and his braid waving behind him like a banner, and his smile, that incredible sexy smile that would never fail to make her heart turn to mush. And one night, her wildest dreams came true. But unfortunately they had both been a little bit drunk, but she still could remember the feel of his hands and the touch of his lips on her skin. When she had woken up the next morning with a hellacious hangover, she tiptoed from his room and went back to hers, not being able to look at him in the face. And when he had come in to her room later on that morning, he didn't remember what happened and she, brokenhearted, hadn't told him.

And I tried oh I tried to hold you

But you were young

And you were wild

"Stop it," Hilde hissed at herself as she tried to pull herself together once again. She stared at the blurry onions. She heard the front door open. She hurriedly wiped her eyes with her hands and began chopping the onions again. And when the kitchen door swung open, she pasted a slight smile on her lips. She looked up. "Hello, darling, how was your day?"

"Fine, love," Robert Anderson replied as he set down his briefcase and kissed her forehead. He noted the tears and the splotchy face. "What's with the tears?"

"The onions," she replied with an audible sniff. She laughed softly up at him. "How I wish it was the onions. But sadly it is not. And if I told you, you wouldn't be too happy."

But I, I will never be the same

Oh I, I will never be the same

Caught in your eyes

Lost in your name

I will never be the same

"You want me to take over?" Robert asked as he sat down across from her.

"Oh, no, no, it's all right. I'm almost done anyway," Hilde said as she smiled at him. "You go and sit down in the other room. Dinner will be done in no time at all."

"All right, if you insist. Call if you change your mind," he said as he pressed a kiss on her lips before he left the room

She sucked in a breath of relief as the door swung closed. She put the knife down and went over to the counter with the chopped onions. She dropped them onto the steak before folding the foil around it to keep the flavor and the juices. She slid it into the oven. She washed her hands off and then rinsed the knife off. Her fingers slid along the edge, slicing open her thumb. "Dammit," she cursed softly as she grabbed a paper towel and wrapped it around the wound. She bit her lip as she looked down at the blood soaked paper. And she could remember the last time that she had cut herself in the kitchen and Duo had taken care of it. He had bandaged it himself like she had done for him all the times he would come home hurt. He had needed her to take care of him, like she had needed him to take care of her. All the times she would listen to him talk about his past so he wouldn't have the nightmares he would have every once in a while. And she treasured those moments when no one else existed except for her and him.

Secrets of your life

I never wanted for myself

She opened her eyes and threw the paper towel in the trash, discarding it like she was trying to discard the memory of Duo kissing her finger afterwards, teasing her by saying it would make it better. She shook her head and turned away and went back to the sink. She ignored the sting of the soap as it seeped into the cut. She sucked in her breath sharply and held it as she held it under the water. She pulled out a band-aid from the kitchen cabinet and put on her thumb. She began to make the rest of dinner. Mashed potatoes and fresh carrots. By the time the steak was done, so was everything else. She opened the door. "Rob, dinner is ready," she called.

"All right love," Robert called back as he looked at the little pixie as she stuck her head out the kitchen door. He went over to the china cabinet and pulled out dishes and set them on the glass table.

Hilde brought out the dinner, placing the food in the center of the table. She smiled at him as she sat down across from him. "How does it look?"

"Looks wonderful. As usual," he replied as he picked up her hand and kissed the back of it.

She watched him as he ate. His table manners absolutely perfect in every way, unlike Duo, who enjoyed food to the fullest, like, he did everything else. Piloting, fixing machines…women. She bit her tongue this time, not wanting to even think of the last part. That was the part of his life that he hid from her. The number of women that he dated. And he dated a lot. She knew why. Who didn't want to be with a God of Death like Duo Maxwell? She certainly wanted to be.

But you guarded them like a lie

Placed upon the highest shelf

Robert noticed that she was lost in thought. "Hilde, sweetheart, what are you thinking about?"

Hilde looked up quickly. "Nothing, I was just thinking about what we could have for dessert," she lied as she took a sip of her wine. She looked away from his probing gray eyes. "Hilde you baka!"

"Well instead of having to figure out something, I'll think about it. You already made a wonderful dinner," he said as he watched her cornflower eyes flicker back to his.

Dinner seemed to progress as usual. She was able to carry a conversation, but her mind would keep on wandering back to him. The braided baka she had fallen in love with.

When I woke up to find you gone

I knew your distant devil

Must be draggin' you along

She began clearing up the dinner as soon as Robert was finished. When he started to rise, she shook her head. "I'll do it," she said as she whisked the plates away and into the kitchen. She put them in the dishwasher and hung her head. Her memories of the past refusing to let go and let her be happy. "I will be happy. No you won't. Don't say that! I will be happy! You'll never be truly happy without him. That's a lie! Oh is it?" She shook her head, trying to dispense with her arguments that were frozen in her mind. Death had her and she couldn't get free.

But I, I will never be the same

Oh I, I will never be the same

Caught in your eyes

Lost in your name

I will never be the same

She plunged a sponge into the water and began scrubbing the pans she had used. Ignoring the soreness of her thumb. Punishing herself for her thoughts and her fantasies. She heard Robert come in behind her and slip his arms about her waist. "I'm almost finished," she said as she looked at him over her shoulder. She saw his grin. "What?" she asked as she let the sink drain.

"I think I know what we can have for dessert," Robert said as he kissed her lips. He gradually pulled her away from the sink and locking his arms tight around her tiny waist.

Hilde closed her eyes, hoping that his kiss would block out her memories. But in the back of her mind, she couldn't help but compare him and Duo. She let him sweep her up in his arms as he carried her to the bedroom and lay her down on the bed. She let him make love to her and it brought tears to her eyes and a lump to her throat as she thought of the only one before him.

And you swore that you were bound for glory

And wanting you had no shame

And when she cried out, it wasn't Robert's name that echoed it her mind. "Duo, I love you."

But I loved you

And then I lost you

And I will never be the same

Later when she heard Robert finally fall asleep with his arm around her waist, she let the tears fall once again, silently. She held up her left hand and looked at it. The silvery band on her left hand shone in the lights that seeped through the sheer drapes. The ache in her chest became more painful. The man she loved belonged to someone else and she belonged to someone else now. And all it did was make her cry all the more.

But I, I will never be the same

Oh I, I will never be the same

Caught in your eyes

Lost in your name

I will never be the same.

She finally fell asleep, but like every night, it wasn't peaceful. For all she could see was those cobalt eyes in her dreams and the one time she was Death's girl.

Author's Note: Depressing isn't it? Hoped you liked it! There will be more to come, so stay tuned for more!