When I saw them together making out by the tree we used to eat ice cream under, my heart tore apart into small pieces. Seeing my boyfriend swapping saliva with the person he claimed to hate. I saw Eren grind his crotch against the horse face asshole jean as, jean shoved his tongue into my boyfriend's mouth. I think I was gonna be sick at the sight. I turned and left the scene as quickly as I could, it had only been a couple of hours since I saw Eren, he claimed that he was going to go to Armin's to study for our finals while I was at soccer practice. I can't believe he would do this to me, just a few weeks ago when I final gave up myself him completely he claimed he loved me. He's eyes showed such love I couldn't doubt his words, but I was wrong. My vision was blurring too quickly as I rushed home. If this was a movie the weather would be shitty as hell. But no, my life isn't a movie the sun was still shining as it slowly begun its descent. I unlocked the door to my apartment which I occupied alone, since my uncle traveled, sending money to pay the bills. I sunk to the floor when I closed the door behind me. The tears flowed down my face as my body trembled from my sobbing. My nose blocked quickly making it harder to breathe, the icy coldness from the floor seeped through my school shorts, and I found comfort in the small fact that my surrounding was solid and supported my body. I pulled myself together enough to move to my room. I collapsed on my bed, the tears finally stopping after what felt like hours, the sun set long ago and I was cloaked in darkness and I finally lost consciousness.
The shrill alarm woke me and my body jerked upright quickly, I quickly stopped the alarm on my phone which laid at the bottom of my feet, I felt disgusting since I had slept in my soccer gear. I stood to have my shower, as the water warmed up I brushed my teeth. I was surprised I slept through the night without waking up. I stepped underneath the water, slightly adjusting the taps to enough not to cause harm but still my skin change from its pale complexion to an aggressive red. Having finished my bathroom routine I threw on my pajamas. I quickly called the school claiming I had a cold and would not be attending. The image of Eren and Jean sucking face replayed in my head, was I the reason that they made out, I knew I was emotionally cold and I didn't have a way with words like Erwin, but I still tried to show Eren I cared, even if it meant doing things which I found filthy. Maybe I pushed Eren too much with my rough language maybe I should have tried harder to get along with his friends, even if they were annoying shits. Maybe I should be taller, and not pale, maybe I should show my emotions more, maybe I'm just disgusting. Of course Eren would eventually leave me, I was cold, people called my heartless and unemotional. I guess finally agreed with them, maybe fucking me was a prank or a bet he made with that horse face maybe they have been actually together and all this time he was just trying to win a bet. Fucking the clean freak, the schools best soccer player, he hates being filthy, why not defile him in the most disgusting way. My body moved automatically to the bleach under the sink, I am filthy and everything I touch is just as filthy I have to clean. I scrubbed every surface in my house from top to bottom, opening windows so the smell of bleach would not overwhelm me. I wouldn't use gloves; the burning sensation made me feel as if with each surface I cleaned I was being cleaned as well, maybe then Eren wouldn't want to leave me. After I finished I checked my phone for any messages, 9 messages and 6 missed calls, most were from Eren.
EREN
Levi where are you
EREN
Why aren't you in school?
EREN
Are u okay I heard from Erwin u r sick L
EREN
Do you want me to bring chicken soup, my mum says that helps
EREN
Levi pick up, otherwise im defs gonna visit u xxxx
EREN
LEVI im heading over after a quick study session with Armin see u soon xx
HANGE
Awwww is baby Levi sick today
HANGE
does someone need mama Hange
Erwin
rest well Levi, I asked the office where you were and then told Eren and Hange since they would probably annoy you with excessive messages and calls, though they probably will still send you a stupid amount of messages. I will talk to you when you're better J
Missed calls
EREN
HANGE
HANGE
ERWIN
EREN
EREN
I ran my hands through my hair as I read the messages; I wish Hange would stop calling herself mama Hange; I messaged Erwin that I would call him later, and stared blankly at Eren's messages to me. He really did make it appear as if he cared I felt nauseated suddenly and rushed to the bathroom collapsing to my knees in front of the toilet bowl. Since I had not eaten since yesterday I only dry heaved, I spat excess saliva into the bowl and stood up. A sharp knock to my door made my unsettled stomach worsen. I moved hesitantly to the door and peered through the peephole, I saw Eren standing there smiling like the beautiful person he was, bringing food to the trash I am. I tried desperately to steady my breathing before I spoke
"Eren, I'm really sick you should stay away so you don't catch what I have"
"Don't be silly Levi. What sort of boyfriend would I be if I left you alone while you were not well" I laughed lightly at the end of his sentence and my breath caught in my throat, I was disgusting and yet he would still care for me.
"Hold on, give me one minute" I said through the door, I rushed off before I could hear his reply, my eyes were red and puffy, I quickly through a face mask to cover half my face and then moved to unlock the door. Eren bounded into the room laughing lightly as he removed his shoes at the entrance.
"I brought the work you missed in school so you don't fall behind and also some soup that my mum made, hopefully you will feel better than ever tomorrow" his smiling face cause a sob to rip from my throat, I quickly tried to play it off as a cough.
"Thank you, but you should leave so you don't catch what I have"
"What!? But I just got here"
"please just leave" I whispered these words, having him stand in front of me smiling like this was tearing me apart, it was obvious that he was out of my league, constantly smiling and caring for worthless trash.
"Levi…" his smile faltered, quickly fixing his expression he leant over to kiss me but I moved away from him
"I'm gonna lie down, lock the door on your way out" I said turning towards my room; my body couldn't hold it in anymore tears were now freely falling down my face.
"Ok feel better Levi, ill visit tomorrow if you don't turn up to school" he spoke and I soon after heard my front door close softly being me. pulling my face mask off I continued to cry as I move my body to my bathroom, I knew I should have thrown these away long ago but there in the back of my cardboard were my razors, the ones I used for only one purpose. Trash is filthy, trash should be destroyed, and it only ruins the good. I was going to do this. I was going to slowly destroy the trash that I am, so Eren can be with the person he actually loves and so no one else has to be dirtied by me.
Authors note:
this is my first fic so please review and suggestions for where this story goes.
i always wanted to write fanfiction /
