Memories Keep You Near

A/N: Well... this may seem kind of depressing and such, but I promise, it will all be ok. But on that note, I may have to change some things so that this won't little note won't give everything away. -laughs-

Aren't I wonderful?

Takes place years after the series (not sure exactly how long, just make it up in your mind I guess) and is a Van/Hitomi to the core! Yes! It is!

----indicate where a memory comes in and out.

Chapter 1

She runs her fingers -- for what feels like the hundredth time -- over the fabric at her side and takes a moment to close her eyes and take in everything around her. The smell of the wood burning in the small hearth in the corner that smells like something between apple and pine, and the snapping and popping that accompanies it as the fire dies down unattended. The strange smell of perfume lingers around the room, fighting for dominance with the smell of the fire. It smells expensive, and she wonder if all the sheets in every room here smell like this.

She doubts it and feels slightly bitter at that thought.

The whole point of living in the city was to avoid the strange luxury she didn't want. In response to such thoughts her face suddenly burns in both annoyance and embarrassment

Van just didn't like to listen.

Sighing, Hitomi turned on her side and tucked her hands under the down pillows to cradle her head, not feeling any better as she found herself staring at the annoying, elaborate collaboration of fabric draped over the chair near the bed. The dress had been delivered to her not long ago by a young girl she hadn't seen before. The girl had bowed -- something she would never get used to -- and quickly, shyly handed her the dress before bustling off.

No doubt the girl had heard about Hitomi's past tantrum at receiving gifts.

Looking at the dress now, she realized all the young women who have brought her such elegant gifts must find her insane.

She'd discarded the beautiful thing on that chair as soon as she'd closed the door, and just now felt a large urge to run her fingers along that fabric instead of the bedspread. She hadn't even read the note it came with, and knew it was childish not to.

Van meant well. Everything wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault she came back. It wasn't his fault she didn't stay in the castle.

...And it wasn't his fault he was married. She'd blamed him originally but knew now that it really wasn't... not after meeting those horrible men he calls "advisors". They loved to stare down their noses at her.

Hadn't she worried about that very thing for years? The possibility that he'd moved on without her. Now that it was actually happening she felt numb and disorientated all the time.

"What am I doing here?" She spoke the question to the ceiling, trying not to look at the present of guilt draped across the chair in the corner.

It was raining. Pouring, and Hitomi figured it was sensible for the weather to match her mood just perfectly, her tears mingling with the fresh rain water pouring from her hair and cheeks. She was drenched within a matter of seconds, her beautiful dress ruined. Behind her she could hear the ballroom music, the string and wind instruments, as she slowed to a walk in the court yard, wrapping her arms around herself in a pathetic attempt to keep warm.

The ball had been wonderful, and it was with luck that she arrived while it was being organized. For a little while she'd been able to get swept up in the excitement of it all along with an older Merle and Celena, whom she hadn't met before. She was able to enjoy going dress shopping, and enjoyed sitting and watching men and women put up decorations.

She wouldn't let herself get distracted with the fact it wasn't her on Van's arm, and only half listened when Merle told her that Van didn't love his new Queen. That he was still completely devoted to her.

Hitomi could believe that, as it was quite obvious to her -- suddenly everything about him was obvious -- that he still loved her. The small glanced he would send her when his wife was taking to him, small unsure smiles sent over the dinner table and gifts randomly appearing in her guest bedroom, sender "unknown" showed he was feeling immensely guilty for everything. Most of all, the little touches he managed to give her, shyly, when they were alone. Small brushes against her shoulder, along her fingertips. A hand on the small of her back, on her neck for a brief second before he withdrew.

She always got pins and needles and felt happy and flushed even from the briefest contact with him, and in turn knew that she still loved him too.

She was stupid to think she could pretend to be his queen, but she realized she could at least dress the part. She looked just as good as any of the other women there. Hell, she looked more royalty that night than Van himself, as she laughed in pleasure to find him wearing his everyday clothes at the engagement. It was entirely a Van thing to do and she was more than happy to watch him move across the room all night, sipping wine and chatting to people of obvious class who might find his garb insulting.

Van still had this quiet intensity about him that demanded the attention of the room while she was simply masquerading.

A shaky breath escaped her as she turned to look back towards the castle, regretting leaving now. As she turned, she realized, with a start, that Van was right behind her. Just as wet, just as intense as ever as his burgundy eyes burned holes through her.

He stopped, just short of her, and for a moment she thought he might throw all barriers aside and pull her into his arms. He didn't.

"Hitomi."

She felt instantly frustrated. "Van. You should be inside."

He was perfectly still a moment. Unbelievably still, and she wondered if she should apologies for being so curt.

Finally, he shook his head. "It doesn't matter."

"You should-"

"It doesn't matter."

She shut her mouth with a snap, and looked towards the ground, only than noticing he was holding a red cloak. The one he'd been wearing early on in the evening. She didn't even register he was putting it on her when he did, only stared up at him in something like wonder as his hand gently slid down her back. She could feel it through the thick fabric. Warm and recognizable.

"You don't have to go back in there."

She nodded, not really sure what else she could do. She knew she wouldn't be able to say anything intelligent.

He continued. "I know you don't want to be there. I'm sorry for making you come."

"You didn't make me Van..." A feeble attempt at conversation.

A small smile came to his face now, but was gone just as quickly. She found she wanted it back so badly. "Go take a hot bath. I'll have someone make you one." At her nod, his shoulders seemed to unstiffen. "I wish I didn't have to go back in there."

This little comment, and the look on his face made Hitomi realize that he truly didn't want to stay there. The truth behind it, judging by the way his eyes darkened and by the way his eyes drifted over her face intently made it obvious he would rather have stayed with her.

"I wish you didn't have to either." She smiled. "But you do. It's your birthday after all."

She pulled the cloak closer to her chest, watching as the rain matted Van's hair to his face and ran down his cheeks and chin in rivers.

They were both hesitating.

"Can I see you later?"

"Yes." Her voice breezy as she watched his eyes darken once more and she felt her heart speed up in anticipation.

There was no proper protocol for this. She could almost hear his wife's tinkling laughter from the ballroom, but didn't much care at the moment.

The small stones fit firmly in the center of her palm, cold and damp, before she wound back and tossed it up stream. The stone made a 'thunk' sound as it was swallowed by the gentle swells in the water, and Merle made a small noise of annoyance behind her.

She turned. "What?"

The cat girl -- or women now really -- planted her hands (paws?) firmly on her hips and jutted a hip out to one side in the perfect pose of indignant. "What are we doing here? I thought we were going to eat?"

"I'm not hungry." She stooped to pick up another stone.

"You're never hungry anymore." Her ears folded down in something Hitomi thought must be sadness before perking up again as before. "Did you get the dress."

Hitomi's response came out in a growl. "Yes... I did get it."

"Isn't it beautiful?" Merle was grinning, and for the life of her, Hitomi couldn't figure out why she wasn't grinning at all anymore.

"It is."

"Than how come you don't like it?" Her voice had taken on a hostile tone and Hitomi felt herself cringe, awaiting a good swipe across the arm as Merle had already done during her visit here.

"It's not that I don't like it. I do like it! It's just..." She trailed off. "It feels like it's just a bribery gift."

"That's because it is, Hitomi. He wants you to come live in the palace."

Hitomi dropped the stone immediately and dusted her hands off on the simple dress she'd put on, almost in defiance to the dress draped on the chair. "You know why I'm not living there."

"He still loves you, Hitomi."

"I know that." She smiled at the cat women. A real smile. "I know that... I just can't stay there."

"I don't understand." She removed her hands from her hips and crossed them over her chest. "Isn't it good enough just being close to him."

Hitomi realized that must be how Merle feels.

"I can't hate her. That's what it comes down to. But I might think bad thoughts about her if I see them together all the time, and I don't want to do that."

"It's not as if Van is being faithful to her."

Hitomi felt herself blushing, but turned away so that Merle wouldn't see. "I don't want to be the mistress."

"It's a little too late for that, Hitomi."

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A/N: End of chapter 1. See what I mean by unhappy:( But it won't always be like that.

Hopefully everyone will keep reading. Chapter 2 up soon. :)