(A/N: For the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society.
April 29, 2010, the first version this fic is no longer Society canon. There were a lot of plotholes, OOCness, and just plain stupidity, so you may now want to read the second chapter, which is now the official version. Please refrain reading this first chapter, it is stupid, idiotic, and not worth your time.)
In the Library...
Mouth-/jaw-dropping horror.
Tash stared.
Miriku had her hands at her mouth.
Michael raised an eyebrow.
Lauren had the popcorn bowl out.
It was a horrific sight...
Aster was piggy-backing Adrian, reaching for a cookie he had in his outstretched hand.
"That - is - mine!"
~Theme song composed so wonderfully by Master of the Library plays.~
Aster was reading Suzumiya Haruhi no Shoshitsu when finally Adrian burst in.
"So you're the one who isn't putting all the manga back properly!"
"This is a light novel," said Aster.
"Ah, it doesn't matter! Don't you learn that it either goes into this box here or organized by author?"
"Kyaa~, it's too much work," said Aster. She then tossed the book to Adrian. "Put this back, will you?"
"Aster," said Tash, exasperated, "please give me back my phone."
"One more level! One more level!" said Aster. "My phone doesn't have Tetris so this is a rare opportunity!"
"Hey, Aster," said Miriku, walking in, "could you please not eat my cake?"
"What would THIS be?" said Lauren, walking in with a broken bracelet. "When I tell you that you can borrow my stuff you don't break it!"
"Can't we just fire her?" said Michael calmly.
"Sorry, we have a no-fire policy here," said Tash. "Can't risk people becoming Sues in bitterness."
"But..." said Adrian. "She messes up my library, and she screws up everything she touches! On every mission we've gone on since she showed up here as a trainee she's constantly insisted on participating in every mission, even though it's her fault we lose the Sue! She can't use the Prohibitor properly, she's inept at using machinery, she can't track people properly! She does more harm than good - "
"And she can easily end up as a Sue, considering she's bilingual and has five different powers at her disposal," said Tash.
And so, it was only grudingly that Tash dragged Aster along with them when they went to the Lucky Star fandom to get a Sue/Stu.
"Kyaa~, this place is more random than me," Aster said.
Silently hoping Aster wouldn't do anything significant this time, the members proceeded into the fandom to catch the perpetrator.
Today, it was what was called the "simplified" group. Tash, Harriet, Lauren, Adrian, Michael, Miri, and, yes, Aster. Normally, Aster wouldn't be included, but...well...she'd insisted. More like, climbed onto Tash's desk and shouted "pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease" a million times.
Aster suddenly came to a screeching halt. Everyone stopped. She was staring forward, her eyes wide.
"Ah...ah..."
They looked to see what she saw, and saw Minami and Yutaka kissing.
Kissing.
Aster burst into tears. Tash sighed.
"Great, another one sensitive to yuri..."
"It's weird. I don't get any signal..."
Harriet looked up from her GPS locator. Aster naturally snatched the thing from her.
"Kyaa~, how does this thing work? Maybe I can fix it - "
Harriet snatched the locator back before Aster could suffer it any damage.
"It detects any relationship between a canon and non-canon character. It's really a foolproof system...But if there's an unexpected surge in yuri, and if we detect a plothole nearby, there should be one..."
Tash shook her head. "A difficult case..."
Then suddenly Harriet's locator beeped.
"Shoot, a canon character's approaching. We're not wearing Ryou uniforms...Hide!"
Everyone hid in a conveniently placed nearby broom closet (how on earth did that get there?) to see Izumi Konata and the Hiiragi twins walk by.
"...I mean, Otou-san's been talking about it for a long time, but I didn't expect it to be so sudden. How can he get married in one day without me knowing while I was at school? And her son doesn't even go to Ryou."
"For once, I agree," said Kagami.
"What's his name?" said Tsukasa.
For a moment Konata struggled, for once. "Damn, it's an American name."
For Tash, that was all the verification she needed.
After stalking Konata for the rest of the day, the Society members found out the info on the Stu.
Guess who it is.
No, really. You might get it...
Xavier.
"Isn't that the Stu that kid Marcus found in the Chaotic fandom?" said Miri.
"Mm-hm," said Tash.
"No wonder Konata couldn't pronounce his name," said Lauren.
It was simple, actually. Xavier had snuck into the fandom and convinced a lady to adopt him as his foster mother. Then the lady had met Izumi Soujirou, and she was such a wonderful person that all memory of Kanata had been wiped from his mind. (Strangely, Kanata's spirit was fine with it.) So, while Konata and Yutaka were at school, Soujirou had quickly married Xavier's "mother", and since then, Xavier had been a very helpful member of the family, and had even gotten Konata to lose some of her otaku-ness and study for once (GASP!), while seemingly dating Kagami. However, he wasn't in love with Kagami; his job was to manipulate the two so they would realize their passionate feelings for each other...
Horrible, no?
"So, we arrest him, explain things to Konata, use a Prohibitor if possible, and escape and/or lose him, desho?" said Aster.
"If you don't screw it up," said Tash under her breath.
When Michael (dressed in his Shakespearean mask and wielding a sword) broke down the door of the Izumi residence, and a severely shocked Soujirou and Yutaka backed against the wall...
"We are the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society, and you're under arrest!" said Tash.
"And I'm the Gary Stu Gutter!" added Michael for good measure.
"And I'm the Librarian!" said Adrian.
"And I'm the magic-wielding-person!" said Miriku.
"Kyaa~," said Aster.
Xavier merely laughed.
"You can't possibly stop me! I'm making all the people in this fandom happy - because there are no boys in this fandom I'm satisfying the desire for love! Lesbianism is an option, you know!"
Aster scowled. "Don't get me started."
"Or what? You'll do what? Lose me again?"
Aster quickly shifted into fae form.
Xavier was ahead of her, though, and started up a deployable jet-pack and flew up into the air, decimating the Izumi family's roof.
Flight is not an easy thing. Fae do not just jump up into the air and fly. Aster's power of flight was only enough to defy gravity. She had to adjust the angle of her wings to control balance, body position, etc. So it was quite a clumsy ascent Aster had into the air.
"Hey!" said Tash. "They're flying! We can't just leave her like that! Adrian, go to the Library and get some - Adrian?"
Adrian wasn't listening.
Instead he strapped on Tash's (OMFG WHERE DID HE GET THAT FROM) jet-pack and flew off.
"Michael, go get me my spare - "
But Michael and Miri were already employing some kind of magic/ability/plot device to fly. Harriet and Lauren had hoverboards they'd nicked from the Back to the Future fandom.
As all the other members rose into the air...
"Why am I the only one earthbound?" said Tash. "I'm the leader!"
As a rather large fight raged above them in the skies, Tash sighed in exasperation.
Aster, as it turned out, contributed nothing. But eventually, after Adrian had socked Xavier with a ton of books, Michael managed to corner him with his sword next to his neck.
"Hey, should I kill him or should we torture him to get info out of him, then let me kill him?" said Michael.
Xavier let out a burst of mirthless laughter.
"You may think you're so strong. But you'll never get all the Mary-Sues! Every day we have new recruits to our cause. And there's no way you'll ever get the Lieutenant!"
Then, in a shocking move, Xavier hit a button on his watch and he disappeared.
"The Lieutenant?" said Lauren.
"So we failed, desho?" said Aster.
"Yeah..." said Miri.
Tash was fuming.
"How can you all go into the air without permission, especially when I have no means of following you! All of you get demerits. Work! Probation! Something!..."
"Calm down," said Harriet.
After ten minutes, a lot of ranting, and Adrian promising cookies, Tash did calm down.
There was still the fandom to clean up, though...
"Don't worry," said Konata. "I know all about 'em. Hey, I'm portrayed as the character always breaking the fourth wall in fanfiction. I'll tell Otou-san and Yutaka that they were hallucinating, and I'll find a way to break up Yutaka and Minami (although that would be fun to see). And I have no plans to date Kagami." She gave her catlike smile.
"So you knew all along, desho?" said Aster.
"Don't know too much. But Otou-san can easily hallucinate due to too much ero - "
"We get the point," said Lauren.
The team sat by a tree near Ryou High, trying to take in what happened.
"So we lost the Stu - "
" - lesbianism happened - "
" - he said some cryptic things - "
" - nothing got done."
Lauren looked at Tash. "Hey, Tash. Remember the good old days? Before the Library, before idiots like Aster joined, or before weird Stus likle Xavier? Before even Michael or Miri, when it was just the three of us...when it was just us chasing Willowe, and going fangirl in every fandom? Don't you ever miss it?"
Tash sighed. "Every day."
Then they heard the boys talking.
" - that pink-haired girl with glasses, no joke, she's so cute, I should ask her - "
"Wrong girl man, it's that blonde, blue-eyed girl over there, she looks perfect for - "
"Okay, we're out of this fandom," said Tash.
"You failed."
"I'm sorry, Lieutenant, but - "
"I put the suefication of Lucky Star in your hands. You failed. I should have sent Willowe."
"I won't fail again," said Xavier.
The Lieutenant gave her terrifying look worse than Sonou Mori's smile. "We are perfect creatures sent in order to fulfill wishes. We cannot forget this duty. We're not perfect, as they may think. But we're the closest we can get."
"Yes, Lieutenant," said Xavier.
"They can't think they can possibly defy me. I am the youngest, most skilled, most wonderful, morally strong, and brave lieutenant in the fleet. I am the Lieutenant Mary Sue."
End.
(A/N: There you go. If you don't know who the Lieutenant is, look up a Mary Sue on Wikipedia.
So, we have a potentially dangerous Society very much like the one we know and love - except evil...[ominous music]
As for Aster's catchphrases, as you may have noticed, they are "kyaa~" [before a sentence in which she wows at something] and "desho?" [translates as "right?" in Japanese]. You have permission to use her as any comic relief or someone to blame when a case screws up...She also insists to be in every case, like I said. I never said she makes it...
But she's known for screwing up the manga shelves in Adrian's Library, as for anything else she tries to play with...
...so I'm out, and I'll be back!
Message for Tash: I think it'll be hard to have a forum, considering we have to move all these stories and verify claims that the correct authors wrote it. So I think we should keep all fanfiction in this site and any original stories that don't require a host story on FP maybe? Just an idea.)
Tash is the property of Mei1105
Lauren and Harriet are the property of Anikathepen (Someone verify this for me)
Michael and Miriku are the property of MichaelDJ54
Aster is the property of Aster Selene (me)
Adrian is the property of Master of the Library
