Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 5
EPISODE 4
Airdate: September 25, 2016
"Mort & Carl's Man Cave"
#TYH504
SCENE 1
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is doing his homework when he gets a phone call.
SPARKY: Yellow?
HALLEY: Did you just say yellow?
SPARKY: You know what I meant. So what's up?
HALLEY: I just wanted to know if you were interested in coming to my house tonight.
SPARKY: Ah, babe, you know I would love to, but I have homework to do.
HALLEY: You know, you could just do it at my place. Call it a study date.
SPARKY: Sounds tempting. I'll see what I can do.
HALLEY: Alright, let me know what's up. Love you.
SPARKY: Love you too, cutie kins. Alright, bye.
Sparky hangs up and sighs.
SPARKY: Well, this is a problem.
BITCH CLOCK: I'll say. You call Halley cutie kins? What has happened to your life?
SPARKY: Seriously, this whole sneaking up on me thing is starting to piss me off. And what's it matter to you? Don't you have a girlfriend?
BITCH CLOCK: I did, but she cheated on me with another girl. So I thought the best thing to do as revenge would be to hook up with her brother. Don't ask me any further questions. So what's your problem anyway?
SPARKY: I've been spending way too much time with Halley. If I go to her house tonight, it will be our sixth date in eight nights. This is horrible.
BITCH CLOCK: Having a girlfriend that wants to be around you is horrible? Your generation is disgusting.
SPARKY: I didn't mean it like that. I love Halley, but I have homework, time I have to spend with the guys. It's not easy being me. Smart, sensitive, handsome.
BITCH CLOCK: Handsome?
SPARKY: Sometimes, it goes without saying. I don't know. Maybe tomorrow will be different.
BITCH CLOCK: And if not, you can always jump off the roof and land in the hospital. You'll get all the alone time you need.
Sparky angrily stares at Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: I'm sorry, my mind isn't always wired to handle these talks.
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky arrives to school and sees Buster with his head in his locker.
SPARKY: Hmmm, that's interesting. Buster, what's wrong? Is your head stuck in the locker again? Don't worry, I'll call the janitor!
Buster emerges from the locker with bags under his eyes.
BUSTER: I think they prefer to be called custodians.
SPARKY: And boy bands prefer to be called male vocal groups. We can't always get what we want. What's wrong, buddy? You look pretty worn out.
BUSTER: That's because I am. I tell ya, Sparky, these past few days have been a killer for me. I'm doing more homework and feeling dumber by the minute.
SPARKY: I thought you were working with that new tutor.
BUSTER: Oh, I was. But he had to quit. He said something about me being too frustrating to work with. Story of my life. I don't know what I'm gonna do.
SPARKY: You could always study with someone else.
BUSTER: I could, but that's actually the reason why I signed up for the tutor program. I can't get any work done with you guys. I like Wade, but I think he gets annoyed whenever I ask him questions.
CUTAWAY GAG
We see Buster and Wade on Wade's couch.
WADE: Alright, for the third time, a haiku is a form of traditional Japanese poetry. It has seventeen syllables over the course of three lines, with five syllables in the first line, seven in the second line, and five more in the third line.
BUSTER: Okay, that makes sense to me. But just for future reference, why do they call it a haiku?
Wade rolls his eyes at Buster.
END OF CUTAWAY
BUSTER: Then there's RK. When we study together, we just end up doing stupid nonsense.
CUTAWAY GAG
Buster is on top of the stairs at RK's place as RK watches him.
BUSTER: RK, I think we have to read that chapter for the quiz tomorrow.
RK: What quiz?
BUSTER: What? Anyway, I'm about to jump over all these stairs and you catch me.
RK: That's the plan. NEW WORLD RECORD, LET'S GO!
BUSTER: Okay, check this out.
Buster tries diving over the whole flight of stairs, but he ends up tumbling down near the end and knocks both himself and RK out cold. A bored KG comes through the front door, sees them both, checks their pulses, and goes to the kitchen.
END OF CUTAWAY
BUSTER: Of course, Jaylynn had potential, but all we do is talk about stuff.
CUTAWAY GAG
Buster and Jaylynn are on Jaylynn's couch.
BUSTER: Have you ever thought about reincarnation?
JAYLYNN: Of course, man, all the time. If it were up to me, I would come back as a dragon or a tiger shark or a honey badger.
BUSTER: Why a honey badger?
JAYLYNN: Because they're so cute and non-threatening. At least that's what they want you to think. If you even try messing with it, they'll kill you where you stand.
BUSTER: So let me get this straight. You see yourself coming back as an animal that looks innocent, but uses that as a way to get the advantage over its enemies?
JAYLYNN: Pretty much, yeah.
BUSTER: Well, I don't know whether to call that brilliant or just plain psycho.
END OF CUTAWAY
BUSTER: I never made my decision on what to call it.
SPARKY: Well, Buster, it looks like you've been searching in the wrong places. You need a tutor you can depend on. Someone you've known for a long time and can help you with whatever you need.
BUSTER: I guess you have a point, but I don't watch Homework Hotline anymore.
SPARKY: What? No, I meant me. I've been meaning to find something to do besides go on dates with Halley. We could use some best friend time.
BUSTER: You know, I really haven't studied with you much. Who better to help me stay on track than my best friend? Alright, Sparky, I'm in.
SPARKY: Yes, this is going to be the best. The Dawg Pound is back in action.
BUSTER: Who the hell is the Dawg Pound?
SPARKY: Us. You never noticed how our names sound like dogs' names?
BUSTER: Oh my God, you're right. Why are our names so weird?
SPARKY: I don't know, I stopped questioning it after a while.
SCENE 3
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK and Wade are watching TV that afternoon.
VOICEOVER: We now return to The Fartistry.
Cut to two frat boys in a college dorm room.
TYLER: Hey Kyle, check out this fart.
Tyler farts with his thigh.
KYLE: Bro, that's sick. Check out my fart!
Kyle farts twice with his elbow.
TYLER: Whoa, that's like, out of nowhere tubular, brah!
KYLE: I know.
Another guy walks into the room.
GUY: What's that smell? Oh God, I'm going down.
The guy falls flat on his face from inhaling the farts. Tyler and Kyle look at each other with concern.
TYLER: Dude, I think he's dead or something.
KYLE: Yeah, I think so.
Beat.
TYLER AND KYLE: Awesome!
Tyler and Kyle high five each other and continue farting.
RK: I think this might be their best episode yet.
WADE: Are you kidding? This is about as funny as a class on satire taught by Seltzer and Friedberg!
RK: I was somewhat kidding, but I appreciate you jumping the gun like that.
WADE: Sorry, RK. It's just that this kind of garbage is infuriating. Do people really get together and think, "Hey. This will make a great TV show." "You're absolutely right, Bill. Let's pitch this to networks, and get paid millions of dollars for putting out lowest common denominator pablum!"
RK: So where's your TV show?
WADE: I'm just saying, I'm tired of feeling like these shows are trying to annoy me. As a man of television, I'm shocked you're not up in arms over this.
RK: Hey, man, I learned a long time ago that television will do whatever it wants to. Just be glad we have writers. If it was up to network execs, they wouldn't stop making stupid crap.
WADE: Okay, like what?
RK: What do you mean?
WADE: I mean, what kind of stupid crap would these network executives make?
RK: Wow, putting me on the spot, that's a way to go. Um, picture this. A kids show about a blue frog with spots on him. And the frog...is called a midget because it's funny. In fact, his nickname is Midgio. And get this, the frog moonlights as a secret agent that looks like the dude from Treasure Planet. And he fights bad guys and...and he has a really strong bond with the people he saves and stuff. It's called Midgio, the Blue Midget.
WADE: That actually sounds awful.
RK: And there's an annoying theme song to go with it.
The scene cuts to the opening sequence of Midgio, with the secret agent morphing back into a spotted blue frog in his tank. Midgio is then shown dancing near his motorcycle in the desert. This scene is repeated three times, with the rap-influenced theme song in the background being "Midgio, the blue midget/Saving the day from lots of danger." This phrase is repeated three more times as well.
WADE: That's it? Just those lyrics?
RK: Why would there be more?
WADE: Good point. You know, all this talk about TV shows makes me want to start my own.
RK: You really want to?
WADE: Yeah, why not? I can show people that television can once again be intelligent and compelling, with complex themes and still retain entertainment value.
RK: There are like, fifty shows on TV that fit that description.
WADE: You know what I mean! And since you want to be so witty, why don't you help me produce it?
RK: Alright, fine. I'm just a little iffy about us doing projects together. Remember Sparky's barbershop quintet?
CUTAWAY GAG
TSE is performing the hook of "Any Kind of Guy" by Big Time Rush in the mirror of Sparky's bathroom in the style of barbershop music. They are all dressed like barbershop vocalists. Midway through, Sparky cuts it off.
SPARKY: Alright, everybody stop. One of us isn't picking up the slack.
RK: What do you expect? There's five of us, and one of us isn't even a guy!
JAYLYNN: Excuse me?
RK: You know somewhere along the line, the dynamic got thrown off!
SPARKY: Alright, so why don't you and Jaylynn do tenor?
BUSTER: You're going to have two people harmonize the melody?
SPARKY: Yeah, why not?
BUSTER: That doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
WADE: I hate these pants.
SPARKY: You know what? Screw it. Tomorrow, we're practicing doo-wop.
SCENE 4
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster are doing their homework together when Buster snaps his pencil.
BUSTER: I'm losing my mind here, man! I can't take the pressure!
SPARKY: Homework getting you down?
BUSTER: Yeah, more or less. But it's also this room. It's just not...giving me that good feeling. I think we need to go somewhere else.
SPARKY: Yeah, but where? My bedroom?
BUSTER: No, man, I'm sick and tired of rooms. I want someplace new. It's too bad that tornado took away your tree house. We could just go in there.
SPARKY: Buster, there was never any tornado. My tree house is fine.
BUSTER: Oh. Well, you and me should go inside and then we...could be doing what we need to do.
SCENE 5
The MacDougal Household
Exterior Tree House
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster are drinking juice boxes while their books are sprawled across the floor.
BUSTER: So it's just like, when we die, I feel like we're not even going to know. You know? I feel like there isn't going to be a great big apocalypse. We just go to sleep one day and when we wake up, we're in either heaven or hell.
SPARKY: That's deep, maaaaaan. Really deep. I don't know why people make a big deal about dying. I mean, I'm ten. I just wanna be a good person and live my life. If I die, then I guess it will be my time.
BUSTER: That's a great way to look at it. I'm going to take on this world and prove to everybody that Buster Newman has something to say.
SPARKY: Dude, promise me something.
BUSTER: What?
SPARKY: When we die, we'll be at each other's funeral.
BUSTER: Wait, that...doesn't make any sense. Whoever dies first won't be at the other guy's funeral.
SPARKY: Oh, I'm sorry, man. I just saw it on Facebook, thought it would apply to us.
BUSTER: It's alright. I mean, we can always find a way to die together but I don't think the odds are in our favor.
SPARKY: Eh, we'll think of something.
BUSTER: Hey, I finished all my homework! I think this tree house thing is working.
SPARKY: Are you sure you understand it all?
BUSTER: Let me see here. Let me scientifically analyze the mechanics of said situation and report back to you. I don't know what I just said. I'd say I actually understood 65 percent of what I wrote down.
SPARKY: That's a good start. We should do this again. Same time tomorrow?
BUSTER: Are you sure Halley isn't going to be mad?
SPARKY: Of course not. She knows how important you are to me. See, Buster, there's a hierarchy in my life. If you're not at the very top, the hierarchy collapses.
BUSTER: I've never felt so good to be on top of something.
SCENE 6
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn is opening her locker when RK and Wade walk past.
RK: Look, Wade, I don't know why you won't just consider the idea.
WADE: Consider what? It's not going to work on TV.
RK: It's TV! Everything works on TV!
JAYLYNN: Lover's quarrel, guys?
RK: Oh, that is not funny at all, that's the kind of low-hanging fruit that's going to keep people from taking comedy seriously.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, yeah, whatever. What's the deal with you two?
RK: Well, Wade and I are trying to come up with our own TV show but he keeps shooting down all of my ideas.
WADE: Because your ideas are either too derivative or unrealistic.
RK: Oh, shut your trap for once.
JAYLYNN: Hey, you two better cut this nonsense out and start acting like best friends.
RK: That's exactly why we're acting like this.
WADE: Yeah. I could never be this annoyed by someone I don't like.
JAYLYNN: Okay, so who's your audience? Who's going to be watching this show?
RK: I don't know.
WADE: We haven't thought about that yet.
JAYLYNN: What about the genre? Do you guys have a certain style in mind?
RK: Dude, this feels like a police interrogation. Why are you asking us questions like that? ARE YOU WEARING A WIRE?!
WADE: Easy, Jennings. Look, Jaylynn, we really haven't ironed out the details. We're still in the creative process.
JAYLYNN: See, that's exactly why you two are having an argument. You don't know what you want your show to be, you have no idea what you're doing, and if you don't change that, you're going to crash and burn before the first episode.
RK: Girl, we're in elementary school. We were just going to write a synopsis and read it to you guys.
WADE: Yeah, who do you think we are, Al Jean and Mike Reiss?
JAYLYNN: I don't know who either of those people are. But if you want, I can give you feedback on some of your ideas.
RK: Well, my most recent idea was something you could do on ABC. Why ABC? Because Disney Channel is too immature and Freeform is too inappropriate, Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: Bitch, I didn't ask you anything. Could you explain a little more?
RK: It's about two teenagers who live together in an apartment in Brooklyn and try their best to earn money through crazy schemes.
JAYLYNN: How old are they?
RK: They're in ninth grade. And it's live-action.
JAYLYNN: That's never going to work.
WADE: That's what I tried telling him.
RK: Explain to me why I wouldn't make it big in Hollywood with that idea.
JAYLYNN: Well, it's cliche for one. Second of all, it's too unrealistic. What kind of person is going to buy that two ninth graders can afford an apartment in New York City, and are living by themselves?
RK: Hey, stranger things have been accepted on TV.
JAYLYNN: I think you guys need to get back to the drawing board.
WADE: We haven't even left the drawing board.
JAYLYNN: Oh. Well, stay there until you find something.
SCENE 7
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky hears the doorbell and opens the door. Buster is shown with a trenchcoat, a mustache and sunglasses.
SPARKY: Buster, why are you wearing that?
BUSTER: Agent Newman, FBI. I'm here to inspect the tree house for fun and excitement. Have you ever been strip searched?
SPARKY: Dude, knock it off.
Buster takes off the mustache and sunglasses.
BUSTER: Did you have to ruin the bit? I spent almost an hour trying to get the perfect outfit.
SPARKY: Why do you need to be in disguise to come to your best friend's house? You know, unless you're going to get arrested for some crime and you think it's funny to pin it on me.
BUSTER: Look, Sparky, people talk about stuff. The streets are watching. That tree house is for us and us only. I can't have people in there snooping around trying to mess up the flow. It's our sanctuary and no one's going to take that away from us.
SPARKY: It's just a place where we studied yesterday.
BUSTER: Yes, but it's our place. I don't know why, but I just feel so peaceful there.
The scene cuts to Sparky and Buster doing homework in the tree house.
BUSTER: Hey, um...I got a question.
SPARKY: Yeah?
BUSTER: Do you still collect baseball cards?
SPARKY: Yeah, why?
BUSTER: Wait, really? That's not a very interesting hobby.
SPARKY: Everyone collects baseball cards. What happened to your exciting state quarter collection?
BUSTER: Hey, that collection is my legacy! I took care of it like it was my own child.
SPARKY: Buster, you only collected six quarters, had a meltdown when you couldn't find Arkansas and gave up.
BUSTER: Stupid Arkansas. Freaking Razorbacks never winning the SEC. I'm going to take a nap.
SPARKY: Wait, why? I thought we could play a game.
BUSTER: Yeah, but you have homework.
SPARKY: I'm done. How does a nice game of checkers sound?
BUSTER: I'll say you just wrote a check that your skills can't cash. Sparky, I'm actually the best checkers player known to mankind. Even the smartest guy in the world can't out-think me.
SCENE 8
The MacDougal Household
Exterior Tree House
Seattle, Washington
Buster knocks off all of Sparky's checker pieces and moving one of his pieces all the way to the end.
BUSTER: TOUCHDOWN!
SPARKY: Dude, you just took off all my pieces.
BUSTER: Yeah, that's how you play checkers.
SPARKY: No, it's not! You're supposed to find a way to take my pieces with some kind of method or sharp thinking.
BUSTER: Oh. But I thought we were playing checkers to the death.
SPARKY: Checkers to the...Buster, who do you normally play with?
BUSTER: RK or Jaylynn.
SPARKY: That explains it.
SCENE 9
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wade is watching TV when RK comes from upstairs with a notepad and a pencil in his ear.
RK: Could you turn that off for a second?
Wade turns off the TV.
WADE: RK, what's going on? Is KG fine?
RK: What? Yeah, he's healthy...I guess. Look, as much as it pains me to not use Earl right now, this is for the best. We're creating our own TV show that has to be original and interesting. Watching all these other shows will just make us pick up on bad habits.
WADE: Wait, you call your TV Earl?
RK: Yes, are you new? Earl's been a member of the family since the day my brother and I brought him home. But enough about him, he's very humble. Now I have a bunch of new ideas written up that I want to share with you. We can go back and forth with each other until we find the best one. I'm just going to warn you, each idea is better than the last.
WADE: Okay, lay it on me.
RK: Alright. Now I know people are starting to get tired of reality shows, but I think this new one is going to wake up the public. It's called Rocking with the Rockers. We get a bunch of rock stars that are washed up, put them all in a house for a couple months, and have them go at it. As a bonus, they all record an album together at the end of the season.
WADE: That sounds awful.
RK: You're just not picturing it. I mean, I'm pretty sure Gene Simmons isn't doing anything. He can be the first person we call.
WADE: RK, people don't want trash TV anymore. They want something they can relate to. Just the everyday lives of regular people who have interesting stories and act like, you know, regular people.
RK: Oh, I see where this is going. Next thing I know, you're going to suggest we make a show about us.
WADE: That will never work, we're not interesting enough to be on TV.
RK: True that.
WADE: Anyway, I was thinking that the key to making a successful TV show is education.
RK: Education? That's your hook? A television show with education? That's not even human.
WADE: There are plenty of educational shows on television.
RK: Yeah, for babies and little kids like us, because we don't know nothing. But do you really think adults watch that crap? Or teenagers? I mean, I bet you ten bucks that KG's never even seen an episode of Sagwa.
WADE: I'm just saying, I feel like our show should be intelligent and speak to the enlightened people of today while also retaining some entertainment value.
RK: I'm not having fun anymore. I'm not. But since you want our show to be all educational and whose and what's its, one of my 91 ideas actually has something to do with teaching the children. Because as the late, great Whitney Houston once said, the children are our future.
WADE: Just tell me the idea.
RK: Alright. To tell you the truth, this is actually one of my favorites. It's a kids show about these animal children that turn their front yard into a playground. Like, they have all sorts of made-up adventures on their lawn. One day, they could be superheroes and supervillains. In another episode, they find a yeti or some shit. Who cares? It's their imagination.
WADE: Dude, you just ripped off The Backyardigans.
RK: I don't know what you're talking about. Before you said that, I had no idea that The Backyardigans existed.
WADE: What? That's the whole concept, down to the episodes. That superhero versus supervillain thing was a big deal! Nick Jr. hyped the hell out of that!
RK: Are you sure? Because I'm pretty sure I had this idea before they did.
WADE: How? You were born after the show started airing!
RK: You were born after it too. How do you remember what Nick Jr. did?
WADE: And how could you just acknowledge that I was born after it too if it was your idea?
RK AND WADE: Ohhhhhhhhh.
RK: We just stumped each other.
WADE: I'll say. Okay, I think I have an idea that's original. A show about healthy eating starring talking fruits and vegetables.
RK: I'm already vomiting thinking about that idea, next one.
SCENE 10
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky closes his locker and walks towards his class when he overhears a conversation between Ashley and Sanna.
ASHLEY: It's really not that big a deal.
SANNA: Yeah, it is. I wanted to throw that party on Friday and now I'm going to have to push it back. I don't like delaying things, Ashley. It gives me a weird feeling in my tummy.
SPARKY: Hm. Sounds bad.
BUSTER: What sounds bad?
SPARKY: Hey Buster. I think Sanna's in trouble.
BUSTER: For what? Did someone touch her? For crying out loud, no means no!
SPARKY: I, uh...I don't think it's that kind of trouble. I'm going to go see what's up.
BUSTER: Me too. I'll just be tagging along like I do.
SPARKY: Hey guys, I couldn't help but notice there was a problem. Anything we can do to solve it?
BUSTER: You didn't invite me to see what's up. You solve the problem.
SPARKY: But you're here now. I thought you wanted to help too!
BUSTER: I'm sorry, my mood switches a lot. I'm trying to work on that.
SANNA: Don't worry, guys, it's nothing.
ASHLEY: Or something. See, Sanna just wanted to throw a regular house party on Friday...
SANNA: Oh yeah, tell them what's going on even after what I just said.
ASHLEY: But she can't because her house has a little...infestation.
SANNA: Dear Lordy, why is this happening?
BUSTER: Is it termites? My condo had a really bad termite invasion last year. It was so bad, some people moved out and I had to live with Sparky for a bit.
SPARKY: The results were unexpected.
BUSTER: Yeah, not how we thought things would turn out.
SANNA: It's cockroaches. I don't wanna talk about it, it's gross, it's humiliating, and I don't even know how it happened.
ASHLEY: I can tell them.
SANNA: You'll tell them absolutely nothing and like it.
ASHLEY: Hey, don't use that tone of voice with me.
SANNA: I'll use whatever tone I want, sonny.
ASHLEY: Oh, so I'm a boy now?
SPARKY: Guys! Sorry, force of habit. So let me put two and two together. Because of these roaches, your little soiree is a no go?
SANNA: Huh?
ASHLEY: Que?
BUSTER: In Sparkynese, you can't have your party because of the cockroaches coming and going?
SANNA: Exactly. And I can't have it anywhere else.
SPARKY: Why not Ashley's place?
ASHLEY: You don't want to throw a party at my place. I'm very, very picky about everything. If you even try planning anything, I have to know everything that's gonna happen to the last detail.
BUSTER: No wonder at your surprise party, you thought Jaylynn was a burglar and punched her.
SPARKY: Wait a minute. That gives me an idea. I know a place where you guys can have your party.
SANNA: Really? Where?
SPARKY: My tree house. It's so big, you can fit fifty kids in there. Plus, it's great for any occasion. Weddings, graduations, big damn parties.
BUSTER: What are you doing?
SPARKY: I'm trying to sell the place, man, this is about business.
BUSTER: There's no business!
SANNA: A tree house? Don't you think it's a little tacky?
SPARKY: You say that now, but if you decide to have your party there, you won't regret it. Trust me, it's going to be perfect. Buster and I will get everything set up so you don't have to kill yourself over it.
BUSTER: Who's Buster?
ASHLEY: That's awesome!
SANNA: It is. You know what, guys? I'm taking you up on that offer.
BUSTER: I didn't offer anything, it's this huckleberry over here that's making the deals!
SANNA: Don't worry, I'm not going to make this hard for you two. I'll just text you the details and hopefully, you take care of the rest. And if it goes well, I have a little surprise for you guys.
SPARKY: I'm committed.
BUSTER: I'm going to commit myself if this planning goes any further.
SANNA: That's not what I mean. You'll see. But seriously, thank you guys so much for stepping in and helping me.
ASHLEY: Yeah, we owe you big for this one.
Ashley and Sanna walk away while Buster growls at Sparky.
SPARKY: Buster, what's wrong? You've never growled at me before.
BUSTER: There's a first time for everything. Like a party inside our sanctuary?
SPARKY: It's really not going to be that bad. What's wrong with doing a favor for your friends?
BUSTER: When that favor ends up tearing apart our special place?
SPARKY: Well, in that case...que sera sera?
"Let It Roll" plays briefly in the background as Buster stares angrily at a nervous Sparky.
SCENE 11
The MacDougal Household
Exterior Tree House
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster are setting up for the party that same afternoon, removing anything that blocks their path and blowing up balloons.
BUSTER: This is awful. The tree house was the one place to get away from it all, but Sparky's ruined everything. On Friday, it's just going to be full of loud music and corny middle-class dancing.
SPARKY: Why are you talking about me like I'm not in the room?
BUSTER: Because you might as well not exist anymore, like our sanctuary.
SPARKY: Buster, you're blowing this whole thing out of proportion.
BUSTER: Everything I blow is in proportion, thank you. Wait, that came out wrong.
SPARKY: Look, it's not like we're letting teenagers come in here and smoke pot and stuff that they do. It's just an everyday kid party and a favor we're doing for Sanna.
BUSTER: Well, why couldn't the party have been in your actual house?
SPARKY: Are you kidding? I'm not having those wild kids come in my house, all up in my kitchen eating my food and burping and farting and leaving dookie stains on the couch. Smashing windows, ruining the upholstery. I just had the upholstery redone!
BUSTER: Did you really?
SPARKY: No, I just wanted to sound like my father. But Buster, now is not the time to be selfish. A friend is in need and I already made it clear to Sanna what I was gonna do. We have this one crazy party, and then the tree house goes back to being the tree house. Okay?
BUSTER: Alright, I guess I can live with that.
SPARKY: Good. Now let's head down to Baskin Robbins to get the cake.
BUSTER: Why are we buying the cake there?
SPARKY: Everybody loves ice cream cake. Besides, I want my taste of the free samples before the employees start wondering why I'm not buying anything.
SCENE 12
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK and Wade are still pitching ideas for their TV show at night.
RK: Okay, well, how about a talking cat that comes back from the future to choose one person to take with them? And that person has to, um, I don't know, pass some test to prove they're worthy?
WADE: Sounds like a bad sitcom.
RK: Your turn to pitch your frigging idea.
WADE: I don't have any ideas anymore! My mind is a blank slate now!
RK: Well, I had almost a hundred ideas and you've rejected almost every single one.
WADE: Because the ideas just aren't feasible.
RK: YOUR LIFE ISN'T FEASIBLE! I WOULD RATHER CHEW ON A JAR OF DIRTY TOENAILS THAN WORK WITH YOU FOR ONE MORE SECOND!
WADE: You take that back, you derivative hack!
RK and Wade scream at the same time and start fighting each other. Jaylynn walks in, sighs, and whistles.
RK: Jaylynn, what is it?
WADE: Yeah, we're in the middle of something here.
JAYLYNN: I can see that. You know, the whole killing each other situation, I get that. But why?
RK: It's part of the creative process. You're not in the biz, you wouldn't understand.
JAYLYNN: You're not even in the biz! Look, guys, I came here to see how you were doing but it looks like you two need all the help you can get.
WADE: I don't need help. He does with his zany, asinine concepts masquerading as high quality television.
RK: And he needs to just stop making TV shows in general. Seriously, I bet comedy writers who went to Harvard are easier to work with than this clown.
WADE: You have nothing to offer me.
RK: And you started it!
WADE: No, I didn't.
RK: Yes, you did!
WADE: NO, I DIDN'T!
RK: YES, YOU DID-UH!
JAYLYNN: I'm going to be honest, I don't really give a shit about who started it. But I know that you two are way too talented and way too close to let these petty arguments get in the way of what you need to do. You need to stop thinking about it so hard and just put your ideas together.
WADE: But we've been doing just fine pitching our ideas to each other.
JAYLYNN: And how's that working out for you?
WADE: Not so good. RK, I think Jaylynn's right.
RK: She better be. You know how I feel about taking her advice.
JAYLYNN: Do you want to get this TV show done or do you want me to kick your ass until you do?
RK: Whether you kick my ass or not, both events have the same outcome so that don't make me no difference. But I guess we could try to combine our ideas to make one big super idea.
JAYLYNN: I'm glad to hear that, boys. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going back home to sleep.
WADE: Don't you usually call Anja at this time of night?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but she's on vacation in Palestine and...I don't know, it's weird, man.
SCENE 13
The MacDougal Household
Exterior Tree House
Seattle, Washington
That Friday night, Sparky and Buster are cleaning up after the party with Ashley and Sanna.
BUSTER: That was a great party.
SPARKY: Yeah, it went by so fast, I forgot we were even here for about an hour.
SANNA: You guys are the absolute best hosts in the world. You really earned this cash.
Sanna gives Sparky and Buster each ten dollar bills.
BUSTER: Oh my God, we're pimps!
SPARKY: Why are you giving us money?
SANNA: That was the surprise. You two stepped in when you didn't need to and helped me throw a great party. I mean, if anything, we just settled a debt.
ASHLEY: Actually, I haven't settled mine yet.
Ashley also gives the boys ten dollars each.
SPARKY: So green and beautiful.
BUSTER: I could buy twenty bottles of AriZona with this! Oh no, I gave away the plan!
SANNA: Thanks again boys.
ASHLEY: Yeah, you guys are awesome.
SPARKY: You're welcome, see you on Monday.
BUSTER: Appreciate the surprise paycheck.
SPARKY: Buster, can you believe this? Just because we decided to use this tree house as a party place, we made forty dollars in one night.
BUSTER: This is amazing. Let me crunch the numbers for a bit. If we throw ten parties in this place for a rate of ten dollars each, we could both make...like, eight thousand bucks.
SPARKY: I don't think it will be that much. But maybe we shouldn't have to stop at this one party.
BUSTER: You mean we can increase our monetary gain by hosting more parties such as this one for well-meaning clients at reasonable prices?
SPARKY: Um, yeah, that's exactly what I mean.
BUSTER: Good. So we're in agreement. We host as many parties as we can and end the business when you decide you're better than me.
SPARKY: That's not going to happen.
BUSTER: Why, you think you're better than me?!
SCENE 14
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster are standing outside the shop with signs that say "Dawg Pound Party Planning."
BUSTER: Sparky, I don't get it. I thought people were supposed to pay attention to you when you hold up a sign.
SPARKY: I thought so too. I guess Seattle isn't into partying as much as we thought.
BUSTER: And to think we were ranked number twenty on the list of "100 Funnest Cities to Live" last year.
SPARKY: Wait, they actually used fun as that kind of adjective?
A man with a suit and a tie walks towards the boys.
MAN: Excuse me, are you guys party planners?
BUSTER: Yes. We've been here for 45 minutes, we're not holding up this sign to stay alive!
SPARKY: Buster! Sorry, my partner's cranky.
MAN: I can see that. Look, I'm the executive vice president of an advertising firm and my boss is about to retire next week. I promised him a big party with his friends and colleagues but I'm looking for a nice place to host it. You think you two can help?
SPARKY: Well, sure. We charge ten bucks each.
BUSTER: Sparky, this guy's a suit. We can score big off him. Our rate for you is $12.50 each, no exceptions.
MAN: Yeah, that could work. But how about I sweeten the pot and make it $100 each?
Buster's eyes widen and he faints in Sparky's arms.
SPARKY: That is a definite yes, sir.
SCENE 15
The MacDougal Household
Exterior Tree House
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster are in the tree house with the confused ad executive.
SPARKY: How about it, huh, Mr. Benjamin? Spacious? Old-school? Gives you a little taste of the childhood you may or may not have had?
MR. BENJAMIN: Boys, when I arranged for the party, I was expecting someplace like a restaurant or a banquet hall, not a tree house. This is the kind of crap that's going to get me fired!
BUSTER: Your boss is retiring, what can he really do to you?
SPARKY: He has a point. Look, I know you're skeptical, but we've gotten really great reviews since we started the business.
MR. BENJAMIN: When did you start the business?
SPARKY: Last night. Don't worry, when the Dawg Pound has a party, we don't just stop at the basics. We go all out.
MR. BENJAMIN: I'm going to have to put my trust in two little kids.
BUSTER: You know, if you're going to continue acting like this, you can take your business elsewhere. You know how many kids birthday parties we have scheduled for this month? Not many, but we're getting there.
MR. BENJAMIN: No, I know what I did. I'm just hoping this party goes well. My boss hasn't always been the most appreciative of things.
Beat.
SPARKY: Aren't you gonna tell us?
MR. BENJAMIN: Tell you what?
SPARKY: Like, give us a funny example of how your boss is ungrateful.
MR. BENJAMIN: No. Why would I do that? I'm just stating information.
SPARKY: Oh.
BUSTER: He doesn't know how things work around here.
SPARKY: I know.
SCENE 16
The MacDougal Household
Exterior Tree House
Seattle, Washington
The retirement party is taking place a few days later, with Mr. Benjamin's boss cutting the cake.
BOSS: You know, I'm surprised to be honest. I thought this tree house idea would be complete bullshit, but you really pulled through, Christopher.
MR. BENJAMIN: Wow. Mr. Davidson, I really appreciate it. I loved working for someone as esteemed and spit and polish as you for so many years.
SPARKY: Wow. That vice president is probably going to get a big promotion one day.
BUSTER: Sparky, I don't know how we did it, but we somehow turned this tree house into a party house. We can't stop now.
SPARKY: I know. The sky's the limit. We need more clients, more money, and more elbow grease if we're going to make it to the top.
("Workin' Day and Night" by Michael Jackson playing in the background)
The montage shows Sparky and Buster deciding to take their party planning business more seriously. They print out business cards that say "Dawg Pound Party Planning," with the logo of a Rottweiler in a party hat. They also put up posters advertising the business in school, on the cars of their friends, and on the windows of various stores in town. Meanwhile, RK and Wade are starting to come up with a outline for their television show. Sparky and Buster are then shown in the living room of Sparky's house taking calls and scheduling clients for certain dates. A quick sequence shows them setting up and cleaning up for several different parties. After the last party, they high five and collapse from exhaustion.
SCENE 17
The MacDougal Household
Exterior Tree House
Seattle, Washington
RK and Wade climb up the tree house the next morning to find Sparky and Buster sleeping.
RK: Hey! WAKE UP, DAMN YOU!
WADE: They're knocked out cold.
BUSTER: No. No, I don't wanna buy your mixtape. Go away.
SPARKY: You must be seeing...some other guy instead of me...
WADE: I think I know what to do.
Wade crawls towards Buster's ear.
WADE: What do you get when an angle is less than ninety degrees?
BUSTER: GAH, MATH! Wait, where am I? Did I lose the championship?
RK: He's delirious. I should probably slap him.
BUSTER: Oh, it's just you two in the tree house.
SPARKY: What's going on? Guys, it's four in the morning.
WADE: Sparky, it's ten minutes to ten o'clock.
SPARKY: Really? Buster, we actually slept all night in this place.
BUSTER: Well, we must have been really exhausted last night. The Carrolls are having a baby and we were holding a shower for Jeanine. I'm telling you, those ladies could talk and talk and talk. I can't believe we took on a baby shower. Sparky, we were inexperienced!
SPARKY: Hey, they had fun, and that's all that matters.
RK: Oh yeah, you two have been pretty busy with your make-believe party thing.
BUSTER: It's not make-believe, you dip. We're actually making money. We have real jobs. I mean, do you guys know how tough the economy is right now?
WADE: How tough is it?
BUSTER: I don't know, what am I supposed to know about the economy? I just think it's hard.
RK: Well, if you guys are free this Friday, we wanted to invite you to the world premiere of our TV show. It's at my place.
WADE: Yeah. We wrote an outline and we're going to introduce it to you guys so we can get feedback. We're inviting the entire clan.
SPARKY: Wait. You guys are making a TV show?
RK: Yes, sir.
SPARKY: You little punks, you ripped us off! We did it and got it on Nickelodeon!
RK: Well, maybe our show will actually last.
BUSTER: How dare you? You do what we did first and have the nerve to brag about it? You know what? We will be at the premiere on Friday. Maybe we can give you guys a little pointers about the TV biz. You're not in the biz, you wouldn't understand.
SPARKY: Wait, Friday? Buster, we're holding a Sweet 16 that day. Marcus Patterson's counting on the Dawg Pound to give him a party he'll always remember!
RK: So? Just be in two places at once. Every TV show in the world's done it.
BUSTER: Do you live inside a cartoon? That's not even possible!
WADE: Well, you have to decide what to attend, boys. But don't worry. When our show gets good reviews, we'll make sure to fill you in on the praise.
RK: Yeah. Wish Marcus a happy birthday for me. Tell him things will only get worse from that point forward.
RK and Wade climb back down and leave the yard.
SPARKY: You know, I bet RK and Wade's show will just be random nonsense. They fight each other on everything. We should be there just to let them know how our show smoked theirs.
BUSTER: But what about Marcus' party?
SPARKY: We can make dummies! Those dummies will take our place next Friday and collect the money.
BUSTER: You really think that's going to work?
SPARKY: No, I'm just in denial. We should probably cancel it.
SCENE 18
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn, the rest of the Masters of the Universe, Adriana, Anna, and KG are in attendance for the world premiere of RK and Wade's TV show.
RK: Wade, this is going to be the best day of my life. Basking in the applause and admiration from people who don't even know you that well. This is why people come to America.
WADE: I don't know, I'm a little nervous. I think my palm is a little sweaty.
RK: Oh, I hate when that happens. Hey, you know those times when it's really hot outside and you're walking and then you get sticky when the sweat from your shirt sticks to your back?
WADE: Yeah, and then you're attacked by this itchy sensation of some sort?
RK: Yeah, what's up with that shit?
WADE: I don't know, but it drives me insane.
HALLEY: Hey guys, do you know where Sparky and Buster are?
RK: Well, after they cancelled their party, they just decided to stay home. It's for the best though, I guess they were scared of our show outdoing theirs.
HALLEY: Come on, they're your friends. You really don't want them here?
RK: Oh, that's where you have me wrong, Vidal. I love those guys, but I can't force them to do what they don't want to.
WADE: Yeah. They've been a little distracted lately. Hopefully, it's nothing serious.
HALLEY: I'm going to go find them. They need to be here.
Halley walks out the door to look for Sparky and Buster.
WADE: You know, she could always call them.
RK: Yeah, but you know Halley. Whatever she ends up doing, it's probably...
KG: ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO START OR ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP STANDING AROUND LIKE POTHEADS OUTSIDE WAL-MART?! I CANCELLED MY DATE FOR THIS, MAN!
SCENE 19
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
There are cans of Coca-Cola and Pepsi all over the floor as Sparky finishes up another Pepsi and tosses the can aside.
BUSTER: Sparky, this was a great idea. I feel happy again.
SPARKY: Yeah, I finally feel like I can be myself or something like that.
BUSTER: How come we're not making fun of RK and Wade right now?
SPARKY: We got depressed, remember? You...you just praised my idea and now you're forgetting why we did this.
BUSTER: Okay, I am so, so, so sorry. The cola's getting to my brain, I'm not myself. PLEASE DON'T BEAT ME!
Halley walks in and scratches her head.
HALLEY: Guys, what are you doing here? I thought you would be at RK's.
SPARKY: Who the...who, who are you? You look like...Jane from Degrassi if Jane from Degrassi was our age. You're my hero!
HALLEY: Sparky, have you been drinking?
SPARKY: No, Buster and I are just acting drunk for fun. It's not like we have anything else to do.
HALLEY: What are you talking about?
SPARKY: Well, for a while, it felt like all I did was go to school, go on dates with you and nothing else. I guess I felt a little stressed out so Buster and I started hanging out in the tree house all the time.
BUSTER: It was our sanctuary, Halley. And then we hosted Sanna's party and got addicted to the money. We had our party planning business and that was fun.
SPARKY: Then we decided to cancel a party because of RK and Wade's thing, but we got depressed on the car ride over and came back here. And we can't even hang out in the tree house because it's not our sanctuary anymore. I don't know what we're doing, Halley. Buster and I just feel like we have nothing to look forward to these days.
HALLEY: Oh, guys, you never have to feel like things are getting too stressful or too boring. Hell, I hate routines myself. But I wish you could have told me earlier if you had a problem with us going out all the time.
SPARKY: I love going out with you. But I don't know. I guess things just felt more fun when Buster and I were hanging out.
HALLEY: And I respect that. I always want you to do whatever you feel like, Sparky. That's why we're together. We let each other have fun and be around our friends whenever.
SPARKY: Thank you Halley. If there's anything in my life to always be excited about, it's being with you.
BUSTER: You know, Sparky, I was pretty stressed out until that tree house. We can always just go back to the way things were and forget about the business.
SPARKY: But we can't! We invested so much time and money into the Dawg Pound. We can't just give all that up.
HALLEY: Why not?
Beat.
SPARKY: You know what? I honestly don't know why. F*** the business, let's just get our sanctuary back.
BUSTER: Alright! Now it's time for RK and Wade's show.
SPARKY: You're right. We better hurry before we miss it.
SCENE 20
The Jennings Household
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Sparky pulls up in front of RK's house with Buster and Halley.
SPARKY: God, the parking here is ridiculous.
BUSTER: Sparky, I'm going to be honest. I already forgot the lesson here.
SPARKY: Really? That's crazy. I think I did too.
HALLEY: You guys were supposed to learn that...that...you can always ask for help? How did I forget it too?
SPARKY: You know what? Let's just sleep it over and talk about it on the couch tomorrow.
Sparky, Buster, and Halley walk in the house and acquire glances from everybody.
BUSTER: I hate when people stare at me and don't talk. It kills my self-esteem.
RK: We've been waiting for you jerks for two hours!
SPARKY: I was on the phone with you less than fifteen minutes ago telling you we were coming!
RK: You need to stop bringing up things that never happened.
WADE: Alright, everybody please be seated and at ease. Tonight's the night we give you the official pilot script for our television program.
RK: The episode starts in downtown Seattle at the newspaper building. It's late afternoon and Wade's character is working on an article.
The scene cuts to that exact scenario. Wade wipes his face with a napkin and finishes the article.
WADE: A white man eats his black friend to feel what it's like to be black. What a cover story...and timely considering current events!
Wade winks at the audience.
SPARKY: You really don't need that kind of gag. It's a little self-congratulating.
RK: Shut up. Pay attention, we're doing an episode here!
The scene cuts back to Adriana meeting up with Wade.
ADRIANA: Are we still going to skip the light fandango at tonight's social?
WADE: Of course, my sweet colleague. I can't wait to show people how to execute real dance moves.
The newspaper editor, played by Sparky, comes by with a note.
EDITOR: Ladies and gentlemen, I have an alarming note of violent threats from RK the Villainous.
WADE: We're the only ones paying attention, sir.
EDITOR: I figured. Now take a look at this man's plans. "Beware, you fools! I am the shadow and the smoke in your eyes. I am the ghost that hides in the night. With that being said, I plan to impose my will upon the Seattle Times building at midnight tonight. Total disaster will come to those who laughed at me and failed to heed my warnings. See, when I was younger, I was an awkward, unattractive child that was constantly excluded from activities with the other kids. I got spit on more times than a prostitute inside a Vegas motel." Okay, from this point, he just makes a bunch of awkward sex jokes.
ADRIANA: This guy obviously seems dangerous. We have to stop him at all costs.
WADE: Don't worry. I'll take care of him.
EDITOR: Why?
WADE: Because I must.
EDITOR: No, seriously, why? We can just call the cops, are you trying to get yourself killed?
WADE: Pffft. Cops. I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning than getting help from those clowns. Don't cry for me. When it comes to my relationship with RK, it's already dead.
Wade puts on a mask and leaves the office.
ADRIANA: Why does he keep talking like that?
EDITOR: I don't know, I think it's a reference or something.
Wade is then shown arriving in a dark alley near Dairy Queen.
WADE: It's a good thing this Dairy Queen is the hideout of RK the Villainous. This restaurant was founded in 1940 in Joliet, Illinois by John Fremont McCullough. Maybe this place has some historical significance.
RK: You always talked like a thesaurus, newspaper boy.
RK emerges from behind the Dairy Queen dumpster in a long trenchcoat, sunglasses, and holding a black umbrella.
WADE: I found you, RK the Villainous. It's over. You're not destroying my place of work!
RK: When does work stop being work once work is no longer around?
WADE: Huh?
RK: Dude, seriously? Anyway, I've been wronged by society for far too long. Now it's time to strike back. I SHALL BE AVENGED!
WADE: For what?
RK: I don't know. I don't even like your newspaper. Too gossipy. Now step back and let me ruin the rest of your life.
WADE: Oh no, you don't.
RK: Hey, look, Neil deGrasse Tyson!
WADE: Where?
RK hits Wade in the back of his head with a rock and jumps onto the roof of the Dairy Queen. Wade quickly recovers and scales the built-in ladder on the wall of the restaurant to chase after RK. RK trips over a crumpled up wrapper and he gets his hand stomped on by Wade.
WADE: It's over, Villainous. Cease your criminal ways!
RK: NEVER!
RK hits Wade in the stomach with his umbrella and begins jumping off building after building to get to the newspaper office. Wade starts to follow him and begins flying to beat RK to the roof of the office. RK makes it first and starts tying a pack of explosives around the roof's metal pole when Wade comes in and dropkicks him. The two then have a fistfight, which leads to them standing near the edge of the roof.
RK: You should join me, Wade. Make this building collapse and become my partner.
WADE: Why would I help you destroy my livelihood and take away my main source of income?
RK: Because I'm evil?
WADE: Hey. Think fast!
Wade passes RK the pack of explosives and kicks him off the roof.
RK: FAYGO ROOT BEER!
RK falls to his death, but it is not shown amidst the explosives.
WADE: I guess he couldn't handle his C-4.
The scene cuts back to the living room.
SPARKY: What kind of line was that?
WADE: It was supposed to sound cool.
BUSTER: I give it a 4/10.
JAYLYNN: You ripped off the Superman cartoon.
SPARKY: You did.
RK: IT WAS A HOMAGE!
Fade to black.
("Off the Wall" by Michael Jackson plays in the end credits)
©2016 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
ROAD TO 100: NINE WEEKS AWAY
