AN: This FanFiction is intended for those who watched the Dragons TV-show and wondered, just like I did, why the hell Hiccup and Astrid are 'just friends'. This may serve as an explanation since I'm sure there are many things that happen 'behind the scenes' of the TV-show. There are so many hints that I started to imagine myself a background story. I thought about rewriting the whole plot but figured I wouldn't have the patience for such a big project. So I decided to do it in the form of this diary.

Edit: Well, yes, obviously this is an older fanfiction, I wrote most of it before season 4 was out. I intend to lead this content into the new canon, let's see whether that's going to work... Anyway, I tried very hard to keep this story possible within the canon storyline and I'm not willing to give up on it.

Edit2: I'm going to revice and correct the first few (older) chapters bit by bit. Sorry for the rather poor writing and many mistakes in those...

So yes, Astrid probably wouldn't be the type who would have a diary. But I like the idea anyway. A girl has to sort through her thoughts somehow and I really, really don't see her confide in her 'BFF' Ruffnut. Probably rather in her ax, haha. Anyway, the 'Dear Diary's are not something she would write I think. Think of them as a marker for a new entry. A new day, new experiences and a new mood.


Anticipation

Dear Diary

It's been a while since I wrote to you. 9 years have passed since Uncle Finn died and those have been fairly good for me. My mind is set; I'll become Berk's best warrior ever. To avenge my uncle and to prove to everyone that the Hoffersons are no cowards! I've trained my strength and weapon skills and Gobber announced yesterday that we'll start our dragon training next week. I'm so excited! Finally, I can prove myself!

Maybe you wonder why I'm telling you this now after all these years of silence… Well, after waiting for so long finally something happens, here on Berk and in my life. I have to talk to someone about it! And the others surely are no use there! Snotlout and the Twins have no brain to even consider thinking and Fishlegs has probably too much of it, only wired all wrong. All these facts and numbers! As if one could simply sum up a living creature like a dragon in values of speed and strength...

Hiccup Haddock used to be a good partner for conversations, a friend even, but ever since he started working in the forge, even that changed. He should accept the fact that he's not a warrior and never will be. But no, he has to try and help as he calls it! He could be a great blacksmith which would help, too. But no, again, he wants to kill dragons, only Odin knows why. He'll probably get eaten sooner or later. Well, rather sooner than later, pitifully. I really used to like him back when we were kids.

But you see why I had to dig you out of my trunk again. Only you can help me sort through my thoughts right now. And I have a feeling you might be well needed.

I'll be writing you again soon!

PS: My mother said I shouldn't focus so much on fighting. Being a warrior is good but don't forget to live. Look for a husband and build your own family, don't miss your chances. She said. Can you believe that?


Compared to a dream

Dear Diary

Sometimes I hate my mother. Ever since she mentioned this husband-thing last week, my thoughts keep drifting away. I need to focus! Dragon training is not far off and I cannot afford to get distracted right now.

So I'll tell all these thoughts to you now and hopefully, they'll leave me in peace afterward.

Here it is: Both my parents have been warriors for all their life and I never saw them as anything else. But during the past few days, I noticed many small things that keep me wondering. How they talk and laugh over the small things of daily life, how they communicate with looks and gestures only, How they exchange kisses and sweet nothings when they feel unobserved. I took these entire things for granted but without a man at my side, a husband who cares for me, all this won't be a part of my life. And I realized I'm longing for this. Not now! But someday…

Three nights ago I even dreamed about something like that! A man, I never could see his face, wrapped his arm around my waist, pulled me close to him and kissed me. Such a strange dream! I can't imagine letting me be treated like that, ever. Like he was in charge or something. But the weirdest thing is, in that dream, I liked it. I liked him being the one to start and end the kiss. And I liked me being… weak?

When I think of this now I don't see me act like that, ever! I would never let a man just treat me like this! But this dream… my thoughts keep drifting towards it, toward him. I catch myself wondering who that man is, this warrior who's strong and brave, intelligent and kind. Somehow I know he's all that. I keep asking myself whether he really exists and whether I may find him. If so, it means I have to leave Berk and my family behind to travel the sea for I surely won't find him here! My options on Berk leave something to be desired...

I mean there are only four boys here my age and since I cannot imagine myself as a successive wife to a widower I would have to stick to them. Snotlout probably is the closest to being that warrior for he's strong and a good fighter and all… But bravery would require him to understand that there's any danger and he's far so stupid for that. Additionally, I would never describe him as kind. No, I can't see myself with Snotloud. Not at all!

Tuffnut? He might be not as strong but he can be cunning when it comes to traps and thinking ahead for them to work. But he, too, is not known for his intelligence or kindness.

Then there is Fishlegs. His size alone makes him strong and brave, too, since he has not as many things to be afraid of as others. And surely he is intelligent. And kind. Too kind I'd say to be a real warrior. He's off my list, too.

That leaves Hiccup... Weak and clumsy and idiotic Hiccup! Why oh why can't he stop this nonsense with all his inventions? None had ever worked and I doubt any ever will! So, he's not strong. He's not brave, for a true Viking would never use cowardly machines like that. He might be intelligent, but not intelligent enough to invent something useful. And if he had any kindness in him, he would stop trying to help, dammit!

Only today he destroyed our victory by freeing every single caught dragon and letting them fly away with half our stocks for the winter. Accidentally of course... Ha! I wouldn't be surprised to find him in league with the dragons somehow.

You see, it is hopeless! Unfortunately, there are no suitable husbands for me here on Berk, not anymore...

So, I hope this will help me to focus. I'm really looking forward to my first lesson in killing dragons!


The Gronckle lesson

Dear Diary

Finally, today was our first lesson in dragon training. We had to face an ugly Gronckle and simply survive by trying not to get hit by its lava. To be honest I was a little disappointed. It really was a very simple lesson. There is one thing about Fishlegs' numbers that actually is useful and that's the number of shots a dragon has. So the beast got to shoot its six shots and then Gobber hurled it back into its cage. As I said, disappointing.

A surprise however, and not a good one, was Hiccup attending our training as well. He looked just as out of place as I would have imagined him in the arena. And he actually managed to get himself almost killed. By a Gronckle! That's pathetic…

I probably should talk to Gobber about this. There is no use in letting Hiccup try to prove himself when everyone knows he's just not up to it! Or-

No, that can't be it. I just had a horrible thought. What if the chief let Hiccup join on purpose, practically counting on him to die? He then could name another one as his heir, without any shame to his family name. No... No, I can't imagine Stoick the Vast being that callous. But then… Maybe I should keep an eye on Hiccup during training… Knock him out or something, that would be better anyway. For everyone!


The Nadder lesson

Dear Diary

I'll defiantly knock him out next time! Or kill him myself! AARGG! He's such an idiot, so useless and probably laughing about the rest of us.

Okay, okay… Calm down, Astrid. Keep breathing. In. Out. … … … AAAARGGG!

Okay, so here's the thing. Today, we had another lesson in dragon training. We had to hide from a Deadly Nadder. That means being fast and quiet, always in its blind spot. To be fair and honest, everyone failed there. The Twins started an argument again and Snotlout started to flirt, again! *gag* All whilst fighting one of the most dangerous dragons we know of. Clearly, as I mentioned before, no brain in those heads…

Fishlegs chickened out, by the way. I only caught glimpses of him running away. Clearly, he's not that brave after all!

And Hiccup? What do you think that useless idiot did? Right, he ruined every attempt by talking or banging his shield to the ground. Every time, the beast found me again and at the end, it almost killed us both just because my ax got caught in his stupid shield. I didn't really mean it when I wrote about him being in league with the dragons but now I wonder. Either he's far more clumsy and stupid than I thought or he does all this on purpose. I'll defiantly keep an eye on him!


The Zippleback lesson

Dear Diary

Maybe I should have knocked him out after all when I had the chance. As I said I kept an eye on Hiccup and he really acted very weird. In part that's not his fault; he may be just reacting to the mockery. In that case, I would be to blame as well for I joined the snide remarks by Snotlout, Tuffnut, and Ruffnut. I actually feel sorry for that but he's so weird! Only two weeks ago he would sit with us during meals. It's not that we all were friends but we grew up together and that does count for something. That changed when we started dragon training. The picking on him got worth and he retreated more and more. These days he sits alone at another table and disappears into nowhere as soon as our lessons are over. I wanted to follow him but this last training… It was just too weird and when I remembered what I had planned to do, he was already gone.

We faced a Hideous Zippleback, nasty beast, and had to work in pairs in order to drench the right head with water. Meaning the flashy one. You know, what I mean… Truth be told we all failed and it actually wasn't Hiccup's fault. The weird thing is what happened then. Hiccup managed to get the dragon back into its box. All by his own without any weapons or equipment. He just walked slowly towards it and the dragon backed away. Almost as if it was afraid of him. Of Hiccup! He talked to it, too. Something like 'Back! Back! Don't you make me tell you again!' Like he was talking to a little child only it was a dragon and it seemed to understand him. I've never seen anything like that!

And before anyone realized what happened Hiccup was gone...

I don't know what to think of this. Maybe I'm still too stunned. Surely tomorrow will be better!


Training proceeds

Dear Diary

This is getting ridiculous! I've trained almost my entire life to become a dragon killer and scrawny, stupid Hiccup wins every match! I don't know how he's doing it! Every time I think I'm doing quite well. I sneak up on the dragon quite fast, get my ax ready and when I start to launch the dragon's already on the ground at Hiccup's feet. And he didn't even use any weapons again. It's really frustrating!

Why is he so much better than me? Is he doing some secret training? But how? I don't think Gobber could train him in any way that would explain his success. And if it's not Gobber then who else would willingly to train Hiccup? No, that can't be it.

So there is only one explanation left. If it's not Hiccup who suddenly became some kind of god with the dragons then it must be me. I'm obviously really not as good as I thought I'd be.

But no, that would mean the others are just as bad and secretly Hiccup had always been good at fighting dragons. Ha! Good Joke, Astrid… No, it has to be something else…

When I practiced ax-throwing in the forest the other day I saw him sneaking around there. He acted very suspicious and when he saw me, he got really nervous. I wonder what he was doing out there. I'll try to figure it out! Follow him or something.

Well, in two days we have our final lesson and Gothi is going to decide who the best dragon fighter is. Maybe she'll recognize skill over dumb luck.

I'll tell you about it afterward.


The day that changed everything

Dear Diary

This day is over. Was it really just one day? So much happened! I can only begin to work through all of this. But one thing's for sure. I'll never be the same person I was this morning ever again. But I better start at the beginning. Maybe it'll help me to understand some of today's events.

There was our final lesson, the decision between Hiccup and me. The great day! Ha! That feels so insignificant now. To make it short, Hiccup won. He had the dragon, a Deadly Nadder, down again before I even reached it. When Gothi declared him to be the winner I was soo, soo very angry. I remember it but I cannot feel any of this anger anymore. Just as I expected, Hiccup snug away as soon as possible and I followed him focused on not losing him again in the forest.

I found him in a hidden cove, wearing some kind of strange harness. It seemed suspicious to me and when I confronted him, he got pretty evasive. He was so obviously lying that I wanted to beat the truth out of him, maybe using my ax a little, too. But before I could do any of this, a black dragon appeared from nowhere, jumping towards us, baring its teeth and growling. I readied my ax to defend us but Hiccup launched at said ax and wrenched it out of my hands. Suddenly he stood between the dragon and me and for a moment, I thought he heroically wanted to protect me.

But then he started talking to the beast, appeasing it and at the same time blamed me for frightening him. Yes, him, for the dragon, a Night Fury obviously, seemed to be his pet. He even named it. Toothless, haha. I may never understand how he was able to actually introduce us without laughing about that name while the beast snarled at me. Or so I thought at least... I scrambled to my feet and ran. I ran for my life away from Hiccup who obviously went mad and away from that dragon. The Unholy Offspring of Lightning and Death Itself. That's what we call this dragon. How could anyone befriend a beast like that?

I didn't get far before something, Toothless, grabbed my arm and lifted me high into the air. I thought then that I would surely die. The beast dropped me right above a tree and I managed to get hold of a branch before I fell into a chasm. When I looked up, I saw Hiccup sitting on that dragon's back, towering over me. He begged me to listen, to let him show me something and without any choice, I agreed.

I climbed off the tree and onto the dragon's back behind Hiccup. When I now think of this moment, it might well have been the most important moment of my life so far. But back then, I was simply frightened to death and it didn't get any better when the dragon started to fly. He seemed determined to scare me as much as possible and flew up high only to tumble down again, rolling. He dived into the ocean again and again. I probably screamed, clinging to Hiccup and hiding my face against his neck. I couldn't watch us tumble down to die, I was just too frightened.

But then it happened. The flight became calmer and when I finally dared to open my eye, I was… well... flying! Only not in the I-will-surely-die way but more the I-must-be-dreaming way. We drifted towards the sunset through the clouds and I actually could touch one of them. It was so wonderful. I have never felt so free before. We flew for what seemed like hours and I had a lot of time to think for Hiccup didn't say one word the whole time.

I then had to readjust my estimations of Hiccup completely. And after all this time I owed him to be really honest, with myself at least.

I had to start with my resentment of the last weeks which originated in… erm… jealousy. I couldn't understand how he managed to be so good and he made me doubt myself which felt horrible to me. But when I understood that point, all the bad feelings disappered like mist in the sun. He never was a better fighter than me. He just understood the dragons far better. And yes, in a way he actually was in league with them. Only not in a traitorous way but rather a peace-bringing one.

Then there was my resentment of the past five years. You know, that we were friends once and I always regretted the loss of this friendship. Maybe it could have been even more than friendship if only he wouldn't have been so annoying on too many occasions. But now, I understand more of these occasions. Yes, he never was a good fighter but it start to think that might not necissarily be a bad thing. Without the feelings of resentment, I can admit to myself that his skills as a blacksmith are really good. I never liked him working there but that's probably because I always associated it with being the start of him changing away from me. But I guess it wasn't the start. It was only another symptom. I still have to figure out what started it though.

And that left on estimation to readjust, meaning the one I made about two weeks ago after my strange dream. As I said I had a long dreamlike flight to think through all of this. I realized then that this unknown man from my dream was probably sitting right in front of me, literally.

I mean… it's really hard to describe but I'll try anyway. For once he's not strong. That's still true. But he does have muscles; I could feel them fairly well through his tunic. Working in the forge didn't make him bulky and he'll probably never win an arm-wrestling match against Snotlout. But he's not weak either.

And he is brave! Odin knows, he must be. He befriended a Night Fury after all. And the way he sat there in front of me, so sure and calm. I actually admired him for that.

His intelligence and kindness haven't ever been a real issue. If I'm honest and I really want to be than my former estimation of these values was more than just a little biased. Years of hurt, of missing my friend made me resent him. But seeing this new side of him… It provoked me to rethink my behavior. I was changing at that time, too. Maybe we both are to blame for not comprehending each other. And maybe, this is our second chance!

My dear, dear Diary. It made me feel light as a feather to even think these words while we flew above our village at night. Writing it down now may seal my fate but I have to do it. I just have to! I fell in love with Hiccup during this flight! Or maybe these feeling were only renewed, stronger and truer than they ever have been before.

I am in love with Hiccup.

Dammit!

I only wish this realization was the end of this day.

Actually… I'm too tired and worn out to write more now. I will tell you tomorrow. I have too much on my mind to deal with this other thing as well right now. And what's more pressing anyway: Hiccup has to kill a Monstrous Nightmare in front of the entire village tomorrow and I know for a fact that he won't do it! So what other outcomes are left?


Worst days ever

Dear Diary

I feel like I'm dying. In every moment, with every breath, I'm dying. Hiccup is injuredand might never wake up again. I keep wondering whether I could have prevented this from happening but I'm at a loss of ideas. It wouldn't change anything anyway. I spend almost all my time watching him, lying pale and motionless in his bed. All these wasted years keep pressing me down and I can't breathe.

But I have to tell you what happened. The thing I couldn't tell you the other day was that at the end of our flight on Toothless through the night, we happened to discover the Dragon's Nest. There lived a gigantic dragon we now call the Red Death. Hiccup and I discovered with Toothless' help that the dragons were only raiding Berk because they were forced to do so.

When Hiccup then fought the Monstrous Nightmare, everything went wrong. Stoick discovered Toothless and forced him to show him the way to the Dragon's Nest. Hiccup then taught Snotlout, the Twins, Fishlegs and me how to train and fly dragons. We flew after the ships. Our warriors were unable to fight the Red Death but we on our dragons could do it. We managed to free Toothless and Hiccup defeated the Red Death practically on his own. But the price he had to pay for the victory was too high. The Red Death died in an explosion and Hiccup fell from the sky. I still see this horrible image in my head. Hiccup falling into the flames. Toothless bearly able to reach him. And then, nothing. Silence. Only smoke and dust remained. Stoick was the first to discover Toothless lying on the ground, unmoving. In that moment, my heart stopped beating, too. The chief then announced that Hiccup was still alive and I was so relieved. Only the relief turned to dread when we discovered Hiccup's injuries. The healers are unsure whether he'll make it or not. He lost a leg for sure.

I keep caring for Toothless and the Deadly Nadder that Hiccup made me train and fly. I called her Stormfly and these two dragons are the only comfort I have right now. I wish so dearly Hiccup would wake up. I have so many things to tell him; my feelings for him and my gratitude for bringing Stormfly into my life. And so much more.

Please, Hiccup. Please wake up. Please…


The End of everything we knew

Dear Diary

It's been two weeks now since Hiccup defeated the Red Death. He still did not wake up but the healers say he's going to do so soon. I'm waiting for it every minute. I'm sitting here in my room at the window, watching the Haddock house for anything to happen.

I see Stoick leaving the house right now. He looks broken and worn out. I know that he blames himself for what happened. He told me so during the first days after…

It is strange. I never had much to do with our Chief. But during these days, I got to know him in a way I never expected to. Everyone knows him as one of the toughest warriors Berk has ever seen. He would never break and never back down. But behind this, there is a caring man with a big heart. I never thought of these as being good things but now I understand that compassion is not a weakness. It makes one stronger for it gives a reason to fight. Under these circumstances, Hiccup might be the strongest of us all.

I -

Dear Diary

I'm sorry for my abrupt ending the last time. I saw Hiccup leaving his house and forgot everything else. He's awake and will be fine. He's also getting used to his fake leg, he just said so the other day. I'm so relieved!

Berk is changing by the day. Everywhere one looks are dragons. No-one's fighting them and most people get used to them quite fast. I can see children cuddle a Gronckle and old Gothi seems to be fond of Terrible Terrors. It is amazing!

You may wonder how I'm doing. I'm…fine. Things haven't developed as I expected them to. When Hiccup woke, I immediately ran toward him. I couldn't help myself I punched him on the arm for scaring me so much.

And then I kissed him right on his lips in front of everyone. It felt so right in that moment but now I'm not so sure about it anymore. He did say he could get used to it. That is good, isn't it? But since that day he never mentioned anything or did anything. I feel like an idiot! I assumed as soon as I would let him see my feelings we would be together. It never occurred to me that he might not feel the same for me. But that's what it seems to be. I'm such a fool. It serves me right I guess.

But who knows. Hiccup is alive and well and we have the dragons and a whole new future ahead of us.