Bleak Night

She unlocks the door of her small shabby untidy apartment and steps inside. She has just brought in a vicious biting kicking screaming skip, and for once everything is peachy and fine. Her t-shirt and jeans aren't torn. She's not bruised or covered in food and trash. Her current crappy car is still very alive, and she now has enough money to pay her rent. She thinks about doing a happy dance, but quickly decides she's too tired and wretched for that. She's got enough fun for one day even by her unorthodox standard. She sticks her head into the kitchen to check on her pet and continues her journey to the bedroom. Her cold murky lonely bedroom. She lets out a sigh and lies face-down on the squeaking narrow queen-size bed. She's all for being a tough strong woman. But she will be shamelessly lying to the whole Goddamn world and herself if she says she enjoys her solitude and independence. She hates being alone. She hates having to be on her own. She hates her too empty and complicated life. She hasn't kissed or been kissed for 91 days. She hasn't had sex for 1896 hours. And now she's dying and aching to feel a warm body next to her. A warm muscular body. A naked perfect body. An all too familiar body with smooth flawless Mocha Latte skin. The body belongs to the man she desperately wants but dares not have.

Because the price will—may—be too high.

She hides her face in her pillow and tries not to cry. She can't help feeling sorry for herself. Even though she knows she's the only one to blame. She has made too many irresponsible excuses. She has made too many foolish—no, idiotic decisions and stunning mistakes. And now it's too late. Her pride and dignity are the only things she has left. And they are stubbornly standing in her path. She's going to be 34 years old in less than 5 months, but her life is still a tangled mess. She doesn't have a decent car. She doesn't have a house of her own. She doesn't have food in her fridge and cabinets. She doesn't have money in the bank. And she doesn't know what to do or where to go. She has lost her way.

She closes her eyes and listens to the deafening silence. Loneliness. Helplessness. Hopelessness. Worries. Fear. She hates feeling weak. She always wants to be brave. But sadly she's never been smart and courageous enough to break free and break away from all her restraints. She just stood aside and watched herself become a prisoner of routines and old habits as time went by. She needs help. She needs love. She needs company and guidance. She wants happiness. But she also needs and wants to stay in her comfort zone. She doesn't want to cut ties with her small familiar world. She's not sure if she's ready for amazing adventures. She's too scared to find out if she really has it in her to jump off the cliff and fly and soar.

What if she falters?

What if she stumbles?

What if she fails?

What if no one is there to catch her when she drops and falls?

What if she gambles and loses it all?

How can she live if she can't have him?

How can she live if he doesn't want her?

How can she handle and deal with his rejection?

She tries not to think. She tries not to feel. She tries and tries to ignore the persistent longing in her gaping heart. She tries to pretend. She tries to deny. She tries to try and her tears finally fall as her heart cracks and breaks like a melting iceberg.

She sees no hope in her dim future.