How Long Have I Been In This Storm
So Overwhelmed By The Ocean's Shapeless Form
Water's Getting Harder To Tread
With These Waves Crashing Over My Head
Angel grabbed his notebook, writing a few quick words down and trying not to think about anything for a few minutes. He missed Buffy, and that was an understatement. To feel as though his entire body was ripped into pieces might be more accurate.
He'd picked up the phone so many times... He would listen for her to come on the line, for her say "hello" a few times before hanging up. He would get riled up and go hop in his car... only to just sit there once he got into the driver's seat. He wrote her so many letters... and he would fold them up and set them to the side, never to actually send them.
He remained lost without her but unable to return to her, too.
If I Could Just See You
Everything Would Be Alright
If I'd See You
This Darkness Would Turn To Light
Angel knew his pain would go away upon being near his again love, to just go back to Sunnydale, back to her... He knew he could go back home and beg her to forgive him for leaving her there all alone and beg her to take him back. Angel knew he'd feel better, his heart would heal because she would. He knew she'd cry right along with him as he stood there trying to put the pieces of his broken heart back together and then throw herself into his arms and they'd try...
But only for so long. Only until it broke all over, only until the world fell apart around them once more. The same reasons for why he was here and not there remained and they were not going away any time soon. He could temporarily fix the damage he'd caused the two of them by coming to LA but the'd be right back where they started sooner or later.
I Know You Didn't Bring Me Out Here To Drown
So Why Am I Ten Feet Under And Upside Down
Some days, some moments, ones like this... he almost didn't care. He just wanted to return to everything he knew, everything he loved. He wanted the pain to end, he wanted to see her, to forget every reason why they couldn't be together and go pretend for awhile longer.
But he would hold strong, as fucking hard as it was. He would think of Joyce coming to him, he would think of his turning back into the monster Angelus. He would remember the horrible things he had done when the demon was back in control and running the show. Angel would think about all the things the young slayer deserved, and all the things he couldn't give her. But that didn't mean it made everything easier.
He knew she had to move on, she had to be as normal of a girl as she could be. Angel knew she deserved some light in her life, not only darkness. And that was all he was. She needed someone else, anyone else... as much as that killed him.
And he... he needed to find his own happiness, though not perfect happiness, somewhere as well. He couldn't spend his life guilty, hating himself for holding her back.
Barely Surviving Has Become My Purpose
Because I'm So Used To Living Underneath The Surface
So far, that plan wasn't going so well though. You know, with the moping and all... with the constant need to go back to her, the heartache he wasn't convinced would ever fully end. He didn't feel anything really, other than overwhelming sadness and confusion. Being so back and forth on his own selfish wants and doing what was seemingly the right thing...
So he just went on. One undead day after another.
Reposted! The End!
