Chapter 1: Damage
"Why don't you just go back to that damn bar? You obviously want to be there more than you want to be here so why come back in the first place?"
"And you wonder why I want to be there more than I want to be here! I can't stand to hear your screeching voice!"
I blocked out the yelling, I had enough practice after ten years. Sighing I opened up journal, picked up my pen and started to write.
Today was better than most but that's probably because it's finally August, only one month left till Hogwarts. I miss home, I can't stand my parents constant fighting over every little damn thing.
Mother and Father were fighting again, but when has that really been new. Most of the time it's for small, stupid things so I can never entirely understand the problem. All the fighting is starting to really get to me. Usually it starts out with a simple conversation, but then everything turns to hell when they start fighting. And now after all this constant fighting I find it hard to believe that we were once a happy family at one point in your lives.
When either of them starts to fight with me they do it because they know I can't fight back, not really. When I fight with mother I can let slip my opinions and my anger but still always giving in at the end because I have no choice but to. But I wouldn't dare it with father. When he picks a fight with me I have no choice but to stay quiet, hardly speaking at all. He's made it so that I submit to my fear of him every time. He's hammered it into me so that I never fight back no matter how much I would want to.
But a funny thing about our fights is that after it's over were suppose to just get over it like it never happened. I hate that they do that, just start to pretend like everything is fine again, like the fight never happened. But I hate it most because I can't just get over it, I can't pretend but I try. Oh, how I try!
After all the fighting is done for that short, sweet period of time, I pretend like I'm fine. Though now I feel as if I have been smiling a fake smile, and laughing that fake, forced laugh forever. Almost as if they have been permanently inserted into my life and won't go away. I can hardly remember the last time my laugh and smile haven't been forced since I've been here. I hope when I go back to school I might have a chance to make them real again.
I swear with the name calling, constant put-downs by Snape and the Slytherins, even the every year death threats with my best friend being 'The-Boy-Who-Lived' it's still like a sanctuary to me. When I'm home it's like depression is a black pit to deep to crawl out of until September comes when it seems like I can finally see light again after so long in the dark.
Oddly enough I don't feel sad when I'm alone, I almost feel happy…..almost. Usually when I'm home I lock myself away in my room, or leave the house completely. As long as I'm alone and I have my music, I'm okay for the time being.
I sighed and closed my journal. I walked over to my desk and set it on top. I rubbed my eyes and yawned; chancing a look at the clock I saw it was 12:15 a.m. I have nothing to do so might as well let myself go to sleep tonight. Walking into my bathroom I opened my medicine cabinet I grabbed two of the sleeping pills before setting it back.
Looking at myself in the mirror you could tell how much I changed over the summer. My old honey brown hair was now a jet black and pin straight. Only a week after I got back I went and got a new hair cut, I wanted something different something that suited the real me. So I had it cut so that I got big, heavy emo bangs that covering my eyes with long layers in the back and short ones on the top. I got color contacts too, my left eye is scarlet and my right is violet, instead of my old cinnamon color. I had completely changed my style of clothing too; right now I was wearing grey tank and some comfy black jean booty shorts.
Sighing I turned away from the mirror and moved to lie down on my bed. I popped the pills in my mouth, took a quick gulp of water from the glass on my bedside table and lost myself in the song playing on my stereo, it was Damage by Fit For Rivals. I love this song because it almost remins me of me in a way.
I lost myself in the song and soon found my eyelids drooping as I fell into a deep dreamless sleep.
*~(_)~*
I got out of bed, trying to rub the sleep from my eyes to no avail. Thinking back on previous experiences I knew that it was going to take a few minutes for the grogginess to were off before I could do anything. God I hate those damn pills! I can never wake up in the morning after I take them, but sadly I wouldn't be able to sleep anymore without them. I had developed a habit of forcing myself to stay up till ungoddly hours, only letting myself sleep two or three hours at most. It was a bad habit I know but I couldn't seam to be able to break myself of it.
After I was sure I was awake enough I went to the bathroom and started a shower and went through my normal routine. After my shower was done I changed into my dark grey tank top, short black and dark purple mini skirt, a silver and black studded belt with another plain grey belt over it, with fish net tights, and my black and white converse. I grabbed my bracelets, my silver skull pendent necklace and I was done.
I dried my hair with my towel and then walked back into my bathroom to fix it. Luckily I didn't have to straighten it thanks to the permanent straightening charm I used before I got on the train home. Thank God for that, it would suck if I had to straighten my old bush hair nearly every day. Styling is easy only requires combing it out and a blast of air with a blow-dryer. I love my new hair! Next I did my eyeliner and mascara and then I was done.
I grabbing my grey messenger bag from where it hung on my closet door nob. I walked down stairs and saw my parents were both passed out on the couch, a bottle of liquior in each of thier hands. Deciding not to bother trying to clean up after them, I walked into the kitchen wrote a quick note to my parents telling them where I'd be(even though I doubt they would notice I was gone), walked out of the house. I stopped on the sidewalk outside and put in my ear buds, turning on my ipod and started to my favorete park in the area.
