One bright spring day in Houston, Texas, Claude Newbold knocked on the door of a split-level apartment building. A petite young woman with light brown hair and green eyes answered the door.
"Whatever it is, we don't want it." she said.
"But Madam," said Claude. "I'm here to tell you about the C-6000 vacuum cleaner. It can pick up absolutely anything. Perhaps I should tell you…no, I shant tell you of it. It's too horrifying for a young lady of your delicate countenance."
"I always thought that a countenance was a kind of wristwatch." The young woman held out her arm. She was wearing a thin gold band with little diamonds all around it. "Is mine too delicate for your story?"
"Far too fragile for this horrifying tale. I guess that I should give up, duly chastened, and slink down the street to find the next house." He picked up his case, and started to turn away.
"Well," said the young woman. "maybe you should try me, before you give up so easily. Horror stories are my passion." She beckoned with her hand. "Come in."
Claude picked up his case from the porch step, and came in the house, in the foyer to a room with wood paneled walls, and a sea green love seat. She sat down in the love seat.
"Enthrall me." she said. She crossed her legs.
Claude looked at the floor sadly, clasping his hands. "Well," he said. "I had this beautiful cat, once."
"Oh, no." said the young woman in mock horror.
"But you haven't heard the most fantastic part yet. Beautiful as she was, Louise was no small cat. Oh, no. She weighed close to thirty pounds. She did enjoy her cat food, it seemed."
"You named your cat Louise?"
"After the great museum in Copenhagen. As it were, Louise was a very rotund feline, though very sweet in temper. Anyway, one day, I plugged in the C-6000 vacuum cleaner, and went about my daily chores. And then I heard this terrible…the only words that can describe are…a heartrending crunch, followed by an earsplitting wail. I tell you, Miss..?"
"McNamara." said the young woman. "Ms., please. It's the 1980s, even here in the great state of Texas."
"The noise, Ms. McNamara, was enough to wither your very soul. Have you ever heard a noise that withered your very soul, Ms. McNamara?"
"I can't say that I have, sir." Ms. McNamara said with mock sincerity. "But I'm sure you could probably get handicapped plates for a withered soul."
"Well, in spite of the beneficial side of the outcome, I'm afraid Louise died of suffocation. The doctors said that by the time they reached her, it was too late, though she held on valiantly."
Ms. McNamara put her hand to her chest, and bit her lip. She shook her head. "May her soul rest in peace." she said, without the slightest hint of insincerity in her soft-spoken Texas accent. But her eyes shined with mischief.
"But the positive side of this tragic outcome, is that this incident, dreadful though it was, demonstrated the awesome power of the C-6000 vacuum. I feel that Louise would have wanted me to soldier on, bravely, and so I do so to this day, to honor her memory."
Ms. McNamara grinned, biting her lip to suppress laughter.
"Would you like me to give you a demonstration of its power?"
"You mean one of those demonstrations where you get to see the actual dirt being vacuumed, and all?" Ms. McNamara leaned forward, widening her eyes.
"Yes, as a matter of fact. This model has a clear cartridge so that you can see exactly what was going into it at all times."
"I guess that model wasn't out when you vacuumed up Fluffy."
"Sadly, it came off of the line only a month later."
"If only you were a little less fastidious about house-cleaning." said Ms. McNamara.
"I am a fastidious man by nature." said Claude. "Would you like to see a demonstration of the C-6000 now?"
"Go to it." said Ms. McNamara. She leaned back in the loveseat, her hands clasped.
Claude gave Ms. McNamara a demonstration of the vacuum cleaner, beginning with the drapes, and then vacuuming the floor, stating in what he hoped was his most eloquent announcer's voice the machines great virtues, and velvet powered motor. Ms. McNamara responded with sugary sweet Texas eagerness, sitting forward, asking questions, and nodding in a most sincere fashion when he explained to her how the cleaner worked. But at the end of it, she stood up, smoothing her skirt over her knees.
"What a scatterbrain I am. The whole time you were giving that moving soliloquy on that amazing machine, I had forgotten. I'm strictly an Oreck user. I have one out there in that little closet."
"Well, it's never too late to switch brands. As a matter of fact, I myself was an Oreck user until I discovered the power of the C-6000."
"Were you now?" said Ms. McNamara. "Well, I'm afraid I'm a creature of habit. I have this terrible phobia of trying anything new."
"That's a shame." said Claude. "You don't know what you're missing until you try the C-6000."
"I'm sure." Ms. McNamara said.
"Are you quite certain that you wouldn't change your mind, Ms. McNamara? You'll never be sorry when you buy a C-6000."
"Sorry." she said. "Maybe next time." She walked over to the door, and held it open.
"No apology is needed, madam. Claude the Newbold is unflappable." He took his hat off of his head, and tipped it to her.
Ms. McNamara grinned. "I haven't seen anyone do that since the 1950s."
"A decade which I'm certain you would not remember, Ms. McNamara. Unless you are a time traveler or, perhaps a vampire. I hope you are the former, and not the latter, because the latter can be quite disagreeable."
"Really? Have you ever met any of those?"
"I am not at liberty to say more."
"Is my countenance too delicate to know?"
"Far too delicate. The strange creatures that I've encountered on my journeys are a terrifying lot."
"I bet." She looked at him. "I never wanted to buy any C-6000, I admit. The reason I sat there and listened to your whole schpiel, sincere though it was, was because I thought that you were cute."
"Cute? Do you mean bowlegged, or charming in appearance or manner?" Claude looked at her with alarm.
She smiled. "The latter."
"That's a relief." said Claude, looking down at his legs. "For a moment, I had thought that lugging this case of heavy vacuuming equipment had left an irremediable and disfiguring toll."
"I think you're safe for now." she said. "But I'd watch it if I were you. The salesman's life can be quite dangerous on many levels."
"As I am well aware." said Claude. "But I thank you for your concern, and of course for your gracious compliment. It's a balm to the wounded soul of a salesman. You can't know how much unkindness I've received."
"I'm sure you have many stories to tell about that." said Ms. McNamara. "Maybe you could tell me over dinner some night."
"Ms. McNamara," said Claude.
"Alice." she said.
"Ms. Alice McNamara, I would be honored." He bowed to her. She grinned.
