AN: This is an old collaboration I started with my good friend Bdevlin314. Unfortunately, life got in the way for her and we had to put this story on a major halt. I decided to take it on, with her permission, to complete it. Mind you, this story was written before Push and Shove came out, so our conclusions actually mirrored what happened in Cl's lovely series nicely. All credit and characters go to CL, I'm just a mega fan who enjoys exploring her amazing series for kicks, not profit.
Release Your Inhibitions Part 1
We exit through the back doors of the school and head out to the athletic fields. Our destination is the track which surrounds the football field. We have to walk pass the other athletic fields to get over there. My sneakers are kicking up dust on the dirt path. Along the way I check out the baseball diamond and notice the disrepair that it's in. Now, I understand why Silas wasn't sure if he was going to play baseball here. Maybe I can convince the other guys to help me clean it up and improve it as a surprise for Silas. On the way to the track Mrs. French gives us instructions.
"Now girls next week we're starting our testing, you're going to be timed for a mile run and you have to do it in less than 10 minutes. Today I want you to do at least three miles. You have all period. I don't care if you have to walk it, just get it done. That's 12 laps".
We finally make it to the track and I see the guys on the football field already playing flag football. Me and Karen head over to the benches so she can put her water bottle down with everyone else's. I wish I thought to bring a water. Maybe Nathan or Gabe will have a bottle if I need it. We do some simple stretches and when we both feel ready we start to jog. We jog four laps easily in comfortable silence. I start to breath heavier when we start the fifth lap. I need to seriously think about getting fit, if I'm going to keep getting attacked and having to run away.
"So did you pick one yet"? Karen asks me as we jog around the track.
"P—Pick one what" I ask confused
"The guys yet silly, you've been dating them all haven't you, so have you picked one" she ask me with a look of interest in her eyes.
I feel my face turn red, and I wheeze a little from trying to keep up with Karen's pace. I'm not that athletic, and this is starting to kick my butt.
"Oh um no, I don't know, I um have been hanging out with them all like you said" I sheepishly reply.
"I need a break" I manage to pant out as we are coming up on the benches. Thank god I changed the subject. I don't think I can talk about them right now.
Karen slows down and we stop at the benches. I glance over and notice she's not even out of breath or sweating.
"Here" she says handing me her Fiji water, "You look like you could use a sip"
"Thank you so much" I'm practically salivating at the thought of water. I twist the cap off of the already half gone water, take two huge gulps and swallow. The water has a nasty taste almost like battery acid or bitter chemicals and leaves a gritty taste in my mouth. I instantly freeze at the realization that it's probably been drugged. I dump the water bottle out on the ground ignoring Karen's protest.
"What the hell Sang, I wanted some too. What's wrong?" she ask
"I, umm I-I I need to find the guys now" I stammer out.
I frantically search the football field looking for Nathan and Gabe. I finally spot them and their on the complete other side of the field. Oh course. I start walking across the field trying to act as normal as possible so I don't draw attention to myself.
"Sang where are you going, what's the matter" Karen ask while following me
"Not now" is all I manage to get out.
I'm walking across the field and I notice how good looking Gabe is. He's running and I can see the definition of his muscles. I keep walking closer to them, hoping that by the time I get over there I'll be able to get their attention. I get to the end of the field and I wave at Nathan to come over. He holds up a finger indicating he'll be here in a minute. I people watch trying to figure out who could have done this. Was it the same person? What's going to happen to me? Will I act like North did?
"Karen, I'm sorry about your water, go finish running, I have something personal I need to say to Nathan. I'm sorry" I say trying to get her to leave.
Karen looks at me like she doesn't buy it, but she nods once and jogs off.
I look back at the football field and watch Gabe grab the flag off of the guy who had the ball. The guys are all so athletic. It's impressive. I start shifting my weight from one foot to the other I can't stand still.
I feel nervous, comfortable and safe. I feel goose bumps and excited. I feel alive. I want to smile, and laugh. I start to giggle out loud. The scent of fresh cut grass and rain hits me. The sky is gray and gloomy, and I can feel the moisture in the air. I can tell it's going to rain soon. I hear the cackle of lighting in the distance and I feel as though God is mocking me. I am beyond frustrated, how did I manage to get myself drugged. North told me never to drink something after I put it down. I should have remembered that. Even if it was Karen's water bottle, that we left unattended. Now it's going to rain and I don't know if I'll freak out. North is going to be so mad at me.
I look over and see the guys staring at me with concern and that sets off a whole new round of laughter. I can't help it, I feel so giddy and free. I want to dance.
"Gabe sing me a song" I yell.
The guys jog up to me quickly.
I start humming my own melody and twirling around while kind of skipping. This feels fantastic, why don't I dance more often?
"I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world. Life in plastic. It's fantastic. You can brush my hair. Undress me everywhere. Imagination. Life is your creation." I sing the words directly to Nathan and Gabe.
Gabe actually has his mouth opened wide in shock and his cheeks are red. I don't understand why. Why won't he start singing and dancing with me? He liked dancing with me before. Am I that bad at it? I rock my hips back and forth to the beat in my head, like Gabe did with me when we danced at Nathan's.
I decide I'm having too much fun to stop so I make eye contact with the guys "I'm a blond bimbo girl, in a fantasy world Dress me up, make it tight, I'm your dolly You're my doll, rock'n'roll, feel the glamour in pink, Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky... You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I'm always yours" I sing.
I see the guys exchange looks, oh joy silent academy communication at work.
"Why do you guys always do that thing with your eyes, you know it's obvious right. And very annoying." I say while continuing to dance and twirl.
I want to feel the grass beneath my feet so I kick my shoes off and pull off my socks. Nathan tries to stop me, but I just start singing louder. I hear Gabe mention something about Mr. B. but I didn't catch what. Didn't I come over here to tell them something? Eh I don't remember, must not have mattered.
"Look guys a butterfly"!
The guys keep telling me we need to go, but I keep pulling out of their grasp and moving my hips. We can't leave gym class. Why do they keep asking me what's wrong? Nathan comes up behind me and attempts to pick me up, but I back my butt up and start swaying my body hoping he'll dance with me .
"Miss Sorenson, stop it right now" I hear Mr. B call.
I stop dancing turn around and start laughing.
Mr. B and Sean and standing there with worried looks on their faces. Sean takes me by the arm.
"Come on Sang we need to leave."
I allow him to tug me along.
"Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad, I'm hot for teacher" I belt out while wiggling my eye brows at Sean.
I see him flash me his signature cheeky grin.
"Teacher stop that screaming, teacher don't you see. Don't wanna be no uptown fool. Maybe I should go to hell, but I'm doin' well, teacher needs to see me after school." I sing and then wink at Mr. B.
"I think about all the education that I missed But then again my homework was never quite like this. I got it bad, got it bad, got it bad. I'm hot for teacher" I finish singing.
I look at Mr. B and I see him actually crack a smile and I feel accomplished.
"You know, you two are very hot for teachers, in case you didn't know" I tell them matter-of-factly.
I realize we're on the side of the school heading towards the parking lot. I feel something wet splash onto my cheek and I freeze, digging my heels into the ground. I look up to the sky and it starts raining. Suddenly I feel like I can't breathe, yet every time I take a deep breath in and then let it out, I have no trouble. Yet, still, I have that sense that I cannot get enough oxygen into my lungs. I can feel my heart pounding inside my chest.
Oh, look a rainbow!
"Rainbows are so pretty." "My guys are pretty." I sigh.
Are they my guys? I feel scared to let them all of the way in. Afraid to fall, afraid to feel everything. I think it would be easy to do. I can see myself giving into them. Droplets of water start to hit my face and my mind flashes to the shower. I panic and fall to my knees. Nathan kneels down in front of me and I see his face
"Would it ruin everything if I kissed you?" I ask
Would it work? Would it be worth it? When I think of any of them I feel joy. I feel like I can tell them almost anything but at the same time I feel shy. And my face turns red.
Nathan ignored my question and picks me up. My minds flashes to Mccoy attacking me in the showers and I scream. I can smell Nathan's scent and I know I'm in his arms but I keep seeing Mccoy's face. I suddenly feel nauseous and I can feel goose bumps starting at my toes and quickly making their way up my spine. I hear Nathan whispering to me on the way to the cars
"Peanut you're going to be fine".
I let out a long sigh "I think one of you likes me but then you back off. What's up with that? Am I crazy or are you all getting close to kissing me and then backing away? Do real friends cuddle and sleep together like we do? Sometimes I just want to grab you guys and touch and kiss you but I don't know if you feel the same. Is it normal to feel like this? I'm such a bad person, I have feelings for all of you. I think. All of you make me think things. I miss ALL of you. I like sleeping with ALL of you. You guys are going to get jealous and fight over me and I'll fall apart. I don't want people fighting over me. How am I supposed to pick one? Do you guys all really not care if we all date? Are we dating? Can you date nine guys at once?"
My vision starts to blur on the sides and I get that tension headache that throbs right behind my eyes. I swear that it can't just all be in my head, there has to be something wrong with me. Oh yeah the water. I start laughing. Stupid water. Stupid showers.
"Why is it always water?" I question
"You actually listen to me" I tell Nathan.
We have an intellectual connection that isn't just superficial.
"You challenge me and don't just let me win" I yell over to Gabe whose walking beside Nathan and I.
I must have some incurable disease or a brain tumor that's inoperable. I look down at my gym shorts and focus on the stitching while I take a deep breath to try and calm myself.
"I want a boyfriend"
It's something I've wanted for a long time but never allowed myself to have. It's dangerous emotionally. From what I've read in books it seems like it'd be nice to have someone who loved me. Nathan places me in the back of Mr. B's BMW and gets in after me. Gabe gets in on my other side. Sean gets into the front passenger seat, and Mr. B starts driving.
Where do we go from here? We're treading on dangerous ground.
"I think together we could conquer the world."
We would make an unstoppable team. Fear gets in the way.
"Stupid Volto. Stupid pictures."
Why am I in constant danger? The guys are going to think I'm a burden. I feel a pain in my chest. I check my pulse, on both wrist for good measure and then on my neck, just to make sure I'm not having some sort of stroke and to make sure my blood is still flowing through my veins.
"I don't know where your heads are really at." I tell them.
"I know I hold back when I'm with you. I have to hold back. I think sex would be amazing. The people in the books I read always say that sex is good. Would I be bad at it? Do you guys think about sex when you're with me? The books said that guys always think about sex. Is that all you guys think about or all that you would want me with? Maybe we should just start with making out. Would you guys want to make out? If we made out would you be seeing other girls and making out with them too? I've really wanted to kiss some of you. I've been really close but I didn't want you to get mad or for it to be wrong." I rant.
Do I feel more than friendship?
"Or are you guys just my best friends?" I ask no one specific.
"What the hell is wrong with me?" I moan out loud.
I'm starting to get really hot. Why am I having this attack? I don't feel right. Something feels funny. Is it really all in my head? Ugh I hot it's to muggy in this car.
"You make me laugh, and I feel like I can talk to you. I feel like you understand me. If we date up will it ruin that? I know it would be smarter to avoid it but you keep pulling me back." I say out loud.
My mind is moving so fast. It keeps telling me a hundred diagnoses a minute. I'm dying. They love me. They're sick of me. I'm crazy. Something's wrong with me. They think of me as a sister. We're family. I find my thoughts constantly returning to them.
"When you text me, I like how I instantly smile".
It just happens subconsciously. We have so much in common, yet were ten entirely different people. It's like a fantasy, or a day dream. One you've always wished to happen but don't actually know if you want it to because you're afraid it will shake your world to the core. You're afraid it might have the power to change everything. Change is good right? But would it be for the better? Could I not get attached? Should I?
"Sometimes I feel like I should just say forget it, and let you guys just do want you want without over analyzing. I should trust you all right. And I do trust you, it's my feelings I don't trust. I'm hardly ever reckless, and I want to just let go so bad and not have to worry. It's like the feelings I get when you guys touch me. When you bite my fingers I heat up inside, it's the same when you wash my hair, or nuzzle my nose, or touch my stomach, or kiss me through my fingers on my mouth. It's the way I feel when I fall asleep in one of your arms, or when you wink at me. Why do I get those feelings with all of you? Should I stop myself from feeling that way? Why do those feelings make me over think your intentions?"
I crawl my way into Gabe's lap. Ugh god, why is it so hot? I whip my shirt off. I hear someone gasp.
"Pumpkin, put your shirt back on please."
Forget that, I'm dying. Before anyone can stop me I roll down the window and throw my shirt out. Gabe manages to get the window up, but we don't stop for my shirt. But then I think of all the consequences and what can go wrong with the guys and it makes me second guess myself.
"It's like the more I try to resist you guys the more I'm drawn to you, the more I think about you."
I know that it would be smart to just take what they give me and let whatever happens to happen but, Should I allow it to happen? I feel like I guard my heart and my mind. Yet with everything that doesn't matter I am too openly honest. I guess since I hold all of the important stuff in I have to let everything else out. That's one thing about them all, I feel like I get to let some of those small things out that I can't tell anyone else. I feel like I can actually trust them.
I start to snuggle up on Gabe. I realize I can't hear anything other than my pounding heart. I put my face in his neck and try to breathe him in, but I don't really smell his scent. I start to nuzzle my nose at his face. Suddenly I just want to be closer to him. I grab his head and run my fingers through his hair. It feels so silky smooth. I hear his intake of breath. I want to feel more of him so I run my hands down his chest and I can feel the definition of his muscles. I look up and see him biting his lip. Looking at his lip sends foreign sensations to my core. I bring both my hands up to cup his face and lean in to kiss him. He pushes me away slightly to stop my advance and I start to cry.
"Why don't you want me" I whine.
When did I get like this? When did I become afraid of life?
"Is it my fault?" "Do you like someone else, do you all like someone else? Am I not good enough?" I cry.
My vision is blurred and the tears are making it impossible to see. Is there something I did that sets this off? Or am I just crazy?
"Will we have the same relationship if we start dating, are you guys going to make me pick just one of you? Are you guys going to ask me to be exclusive? If one of you did that would the others get mad? If we have the same relationship as now will I develop stronger feelings for you or for the others?" I cry.
There are so many unknown variables to worry about. I know I shouldn't be a tease but I like our flirty friendship. I want to take it further, I'm just scared, or maybe just stuck in the friend zone, and maybe that's how it should be. Ugh I just don't know. And that's half the problem, I literally don't know anything. I haven't even kissed someone. I don't even know what normal is. I'm not normal.
I realize that I'm not normal and I know nothing and I start to uncontrollably sob. The guys would never want me. I jump out of Gabe's Lap and curl into a ball so I'm not touching anyone. I sit and sob. When the guys try to comfort me I lash out at them and scream not to touch me.
I feel my body start shaking and I don't realize what's going on. My body feels like it's on fire. I suddenly feel a sharp tightening in my chest that really hurts and it makes me really sleepy. My vision is going blurry around the edges and I can't cry anymore. It's difficult to take breaths in. I feel so sleepy. Maybe I should just nap. My body is still shaking as I hear frantic yelling.
"Peanut, say with me please."
"Oy, Trouble, we're almost there. Dr. Green do something, were loosing her"
I try to speak but my mouth feels funny. I manage to mumble out "Pain, hot, sleep" before unconsciousness takes me.
