A/N Hey ladies and gents, what's up? Is the summer hiatus driving you crazy, yet, too?
Anyway, since I no longer have new episodes to keep my Castle fix in line, this thing sort of happened. It's my take of the post-finale events and it picks up where Watershed leaves off.
I think that's about all you really need to know, so enjoy and happy Monday (that really doesn't mean the same anymore since there's no Castle tonight, but have a good day anyway).
Staring.
Silence.
Say something, she thought. Screamed, really. Her insides screamed at her to say something, anything. Yes? No? Hell she already had enough decision making issues today, and now this? She loves this man, yes. She loves him a little too much, perhaps, as he was the only reason she hesitated on taking the job in D.C. But marriage? Marriage was messy. Marriage got people hurt – she'd seen it too many times in her line of work to believe otherwise – she'd watched her own father fall apart over it.
She wasn't sure how long she sat there on that damned swing trying to process the words still echoing in her brain. Beckett watched the loving, hopeful, and somewhat determined look on Castle's face fall into a disappointed one, and then a heartbroken one, and then he cleared his throat, stood up, and started to leave.
Oh, God, he was leaving? No, he couldn't leave, not yet, she didn't answer yet, she was supposed to answer first. Ugh, why was she always so good at screwing everything up?
"No!" she cried after Castle in an attempt to stop his retreat, but as soon as the words tumbled out of her mouth, she realized the fault in saying those words at a time like this. But, it was already too late. Castle turned back to look at her and the heartbreak on his face convinced Beckett that looks really could kill, because that hurt. That hurt like almost freezing to death or almost becoming a tiger's dinner, or even being shot in the chest.
"I didn't… I mean… not 'no,' but just 'no' as in 'don't leave.' Sorry."
Beckett looked down at her feet, embarrassed, frustrated, upset… she softly kicked into the ground and the swing rocked back and forth just barely. The subtle movement comforted her just enough to find the courage to look up at her partner. He had moved back towards the swings and was now standing right in front of her, leaning down to almost eye lever. It felt close, a proximity she usually enjoyed, but now it felt too close – smothering even – as she looked him in the eyes, though, she noticed the light had returned to his eyes and she imagined that maybe her inability to communicate well hadn't ruined everything… yet.
"So… uh is that a yes?"
Beckett, again, cast into the depth of her own thoughts and neglecting the actual need to say something took in the careful, yet optimistic, expression on Castle's face.
In this moment, Katherine Beckett knew two things: 1. she couldn't say no because she couldn't bear to see Castle's heart break again and 2. she couldn't say yes because the idea flat out terrified her more than any murderer, serial killer, or terrorist ever could. Honestly, it took her four years just to admit she liked the man as more than a partner!
"Please, Kate. Just say something. Anything."
"Anything," Beckett replied instantly, and she forced herself to smile a bit, trying to lighten the situation with some humor, however stupid that humor might be.
Castle groaned, "Kate…" Okay, so apparently that wasn't going to cut it today.
"I need to think, Rick. I need to process. I can't make all these life decisions at once! I can't! That's not who I am!" Beckett felt the dam breaking, the weight of all the decisions in her near future, of all the life changing events, just pushed through that part of her determined not to express heavy emotion outwardly. Something inside her snapped and everything became too much to handle, and a few stray tears escaped.
"Kate… please, I just I need to be with you. I can't let you move to a different city without me. I need you. My life without you is easy women and parties and getting drunk for no reason. You changed me, you make me better Kate – a better boyfriend, a better father, hell a straight up better person! What am I supposed to do when you're two hundred twenty-nine miles away? I want you with me forever Kate – need you with me. Let me be your husband, Kate. Don't you see, this fixes everything! We can be together and you can take that job and everything will be okay again!"
A fix. That's what this was to him? A fix? Marriage wasn't supposed to be a fix for relationship problems. Beckett always thought that in the event that she did decide to get married one day it would be because she knew beyond any doubt that she couldn't bear to live apart from that person. She didn't know that she could live without Castle, but she didn't know that she couldn't either. But, she did know that she couldn't marry him for the sake of ending an argument.
"Is that what you think Rick, that a piece of paper and a couple of words will fix everything?! Marriage is supposed to be more than that Castle! More than this. If that's all this is… then… no," the words breaking not only his heart, but hers, and a sob escaped, "no, I can't marry you just so we don't have to fight about this anymore."
She was full out crying now, here, in the park for the world to see, and damn it, this wasn't her. Kate Beckett didn't cry. Without bothering to look back at Castle, afraid to look at his face, afraid of what he might say to her, she stood from the swing and started to run.
God, did she run. Abandoning her squad car at the park, she kept running. She didn't really think about where or why or who saw her emotionally distressed running, she just ran.
Later, well after dark and back in her own apartment, Kate finally allowed herself to think.
She looked around her apartment and realized how foreign it felt to be here, after all, she'd barely spent any time here over the past couple months. The couch wasn't soft enough and she couldn't find a position that felt comfortable anymore, since she no longer had Rick's chest to lean into anymore. And there in the dark, as she allowed the events of the day to wash over her, she entertained one question: how the hell did she manage to screw everything up so badly?
A/N Cool beans, guys. Alright, let me know what you think. You know, if you want.
