Title:  Die Riley Die! 

Author:  Autumn

Email: autumnleaves@autumnpenguins.com

Cat:  Humor/Parody

Summary:  A series of short scenes that celebrate all the scrumptious ways that Riley could have passed on from the Buffy universe, but unfortunately he didn't. 

Disclaimer:  Captain Cardboard, the Scoobies and every other character belong to Joss Whedon and CO. 

Rating: PG-13, violence

Author's Notes:  This is not for the 3.4 people who like Riley.  It's for the rest of us that couldn't stand him. 

AN AU of 'Real Me'

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Sunnydale Memorial Cemetery: 

            Riley Dolph Finn

            July 1976-July 2000 

            The Few, the Proud, the Marine

            "Your boy's middle name was Dolph?"

            "And?"

            "Finn."

            "And?"

            "Marine.  The irony is palpable."

            "Shut up Spike.  You didn't even know him."

            " Like there was anything to know.  He was boring, and nothing much more than cannon fodder. Plus, he got himself offed, by Harmony!" Spike laughed with devilish glee.

            He always enjoyed having a poke at the Slayer's chosen ones, but her latest Lancelot had just turned out to be lame- a lot.  Captain Cardboard had gotten himself nabbed by Harmony, when she and had minions had decided to set a trap for the Slayer. 

***Flashback***

            Riley had been at home enjoying a night of dusting his collection of Limited Edition GI Joe's aka Army Kens.  A knock at the door brought him to the front of his apartment.  "Hello?"  He called when nobody appeared. 

            "Look down!" A voice called from the shrubbery near the walkway. 

            Dutifully, Deputy Dumbass obliged, and picked up a note written on pink paper, with a unicorn address label on the top.  The name had been scratched out, except for a large capitol 'H.' before he had time to study the note more closely; it was jerked out of his hands by the sting that was attached to the top of it with tape.  The note was jerked along the ground and Riley found himself running to keep up with it. 

            A second lemming ran up behind Riley and struck him on the head.  He was then dragged to the cave by Harmony's gang. The whole thing observed by Spike whom'd gotten Harmony to tell him what he wanted to do.  Naturally, he wanted to be around for the blessed event.  The gang had chained Riley to the wall and fed off of him whilst waiting for the Slayer to fall into their trap.  Unfortunately, they minions had taken too much blood from Riley, and Harmony had attempted to revive him by force-feeding him her own blood. 

            Spike had laughed his way to the crypt when the Slayer and her pals discovered a very dead Riley Finn.  They'd buried the body with Buffy knowing full well that he would rise again.

******End of Flashback*****

            "You could have told me what was happening Spike."     

            "You've got me there Slayer.  I could have.  No wait, why would I want to help the person responsible for the sodding chip in my head?"

            "Why are you always around for all of my break ups?" 

            "Because they're fun.  The look on your face when your honey gives you the rub-off, or in the case of John Wanger, gets himself killed by a fledgling its absolutely delicious." 

            Their fight was interrupted by none other than Riley Finn rising from the grave.  His reflexes were still incredibly slow, and before he'd gotten all the way out of the grave, Buffy had slammed wood through his non-beating heart.

            "You keep sticking all the guys in the chest with something pointy, no wonder you can't hold onto a man."  Spike crowed and left the scene.  He hadn't had a night this fun in a good long while. 

            Riley was out of the picture, permanently and torturing the Slayer was always fun.  Throw in a good spot of violence and 'The Best of Passions,' it might just be his best night ever.  

*********End********