A/N: I am completely new to the realm of Thor fandom, although quite the veteran in the realm of Devil May Cry. So I am just having a total stab here at something, and if you hate it I will take it down immediately, with feelings, bah! So please, please let me know what you guys think? As I will only continue if enough of you think it is worth it!

CH1 – Legally your fault

Loki's sardonic POV.

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Truly, it had been an altogether innocent prank on his part. He sincerely did not intend to sabotage his big brother's even bigger day by the biggest prank of them all. Well, at least not entirely. Truthfully, he surprised even himself that he did not begrudge the almighty Thor his coronation. Not all that much, anyway.

True, he wanted to rule, but not over Asgard. It was a dreary place full of ungrateful Asgardians who would know not what fun was even if the said fun shone with the reflection of their golden armour right up their noble asses.

So, to make a sincere exception to necessity, and be utterly honest for once, his sabotage had been more aimed at distracting himself from his complete witty boredom as he had been standing there in plain view for hours to cheer his brother on, his face already hurting from the prolonged agony of joyful pretence.

The only other distraction worthy of an effort had been turning the wine he had been offered into a dripping goblet full of slithering eels. The slippery buggers were hastily dropped to the floor, the illusion shattered into a perfectly good and now spilled wine, the attendant having the decency to scream into his ear, to Loki's satisfying delight and partial deafness, but at the very same time as Thor had unfortunately exposed his wildly superior vocal skills, so it all had been for naught.

But Loki honestly couldn't have known that things would turn so damn intolerable, so damn fast, so damn thoroughly. It was not like he had not performed thousands of pranks and spells before. Well, he did need to practice somewhere, despite the general and unfathomable unwillingness of his humourless audience.

So when their father paused just before proclaiming Thor the rightfully unprepared king, Loki's unparalleled smirk of all evil and cunning had been carefully disguised under his perfected mask of genuine and worried surprise. He was truly impressed with himself as no one even thought this time to suspect him, no one pointed the usually immediately flung out finger, and it felt like a lifetime achievement, he swore it rightly did.

Almost tediously from that point on, it was only a necessary formality that Odin took them to the weapons vault deep below Asgard. As traditions went, the incident was all soon ignored and tucked under yet another unworthy, quickly dismissed attempt of meagre subordination, with an accompanying lightning fast dismissal of a total fail in Asgard's defences.

That was until Thor had gotten a big idea. And ideas born out of Thor's big head were generally - no - always connected to smashing everything in sight, since his hammer was a literal extension of his spinal cord, ending up as his detached brain that he loved to bash around so much.

That being said, when Thor decided to unashamedly discount Odin's strict command to ignore entirely the entire frosty event, and instead proclaim his right to cosmos-wide domination and uncontrolled demolition, Loki was not entirely inclined to stop him. The truth was, Loki had been seriously bored in Asgard for quite a while, all his magic now spent and either vehemently disregarded or frowned upon, hardly ever did anyone actually scream loudly in appreciation of his unusual talents or fled in utter chaos or panic. One word, desperately boring. Oh yes, two words.

So it came to Loki's mind that visiting another realm might not indeed be such a bad idea, considering he could use it to spread his sorcerous worth and test the boundaries of his abilities, sort of like expanding his far reaching ambitions the way they were obviously supposed to be, by his birth right. So, he might have even nudged his hammerhead of a brother in a very subtle and shrewd manner to go and do it by decidedly telling him not to go and do it. Well, Thor was by a comparison to many a gigantic child, doing the opposite of what he was ever told.

Decision made on Thor's part, within an eye-blink of Loki's advice not to defy their father and bring about their likely horrible deaths, they set off for Jotunheim all the same. In tow were Lady Sif and the Warriors Three, who served as another peculiar extension of Thor's person, mostly providing an ego stroking facility as Thor had the compulsive obsessive disorder to show-off his seemingly unmatched might by excessive boasting, and for that he required their inherent limitations in battle and flight alike. Well, since they had not the hammer, who could blame them?

But moving along, when the five descended upon the cold and dark wastes of Jotunheim, the rumours of cold were but an understatement of a millennium as the ultimate freeze of all ages fell upon them. The apparent extent of devastation stared at them in bleak realization as the whole planet seemed to be a medley of jagged ice, uninviting and menacing, breaking off slowly and eerily to be set adrift into the black abyss of space gaping endlessly beyond.

What was more, the ruined city's inhabitants, once they decided to actually show their oddly lookalike dark blue faces, appeared even less up for a good laugh than Asgardians and that was saying too much already.

Loki promptly dismissed any appetite of claiming a right of rule against this realm. In all honesty, what was one to do there for fun? Juggle icicles and sculpt Thor's grinning face out of blackened ice? Or perhaps conjure anything so amusingly out of place in this black hole, only to watch the already frozen statues that inhabited this frighteningly uniform realm freeze a degree more?

Cutting a very long story a notch shorter, Loki's best trick of the day was turning blue while wrestling a Frost Giant without even remembering to use his magic, but he would think about that one later.

Things got finally complicated, when looking for answers was brusquely set aside as Thor was quite justly labelled a princess, well he was somewhat vain, blond and pretty, so who could argue on that point? But that left to other worrying ponderings, they smashed, offended, got offended, made a complete mess of things, ran like hell from a gigantic Jotunheim beast and then got busted by their father. Oh the shame of it all for getting caught. Not that Loki in fact did not help that particular turnaround, as Thor's rather premature and foolish coronation truly needed to be postponed for a very, very long time.

Thor was not ready for a throne, plain and simple. Even the said Jotunheim beast had shown more of a promise, opting for wise strategy as opposed to acting like a Bilchsteim in heat; horny and trampling everything in its path. And it was not that Loki did not try his very best to calm his brother down in his rambunctious raging, he truly did, but should Thor ever listen?

All that said, they were promptly whisked back to Asgard and admonished with the speech worthy in length of an entire generation in Asgardian terms. Truly, the Allfather had not talked so much in his entire life.

"You're a vain, greedy, cruel boy!" Odin's voice could freeze Jotunheim thrice over, with an even more impressive kind of frost.

"And you are an old man and a fool!" Thor lashed out blindly. Through the resulting deathly quiet a snowflake could have been heard descending on Laufey's giant head.

Loki's palm found its way to his face. Summoning his strength, he begged for his brother's mouth to speak no more, feeling himself move to his brother's rescue in mortified dread.

"A fool, yes! I was a fool to think you were ready," Odin found his voice suddenly, broken yet foreboding of something terrible and Loki could not help but ready himself to step between his father and brother, imploringly but proudly so.

It were not words though that had stopped him in that moment, it was a raging hiss from his father, a display of uncompromising, righteous fury he had not witnessed in the old man before. Only God could help Thor now, he knew, and not one of Lies.

"Thor Odinson... You have disobeyed the express command of your King. Through your arrogance and stupidity, you have opened these peaceful Realms and innocent lives to the horrors of war," the Allfather bellowed, saddened anger and authority whizzing out of his stern mouth.

Looking on with an ever so slight tug of overall impending doom in his gut, Loki considered whether in this instant, stupidity in fact outweighed arrogance or the other way around. He was content to settle on equal parts of each.

"You are unworthy of this Realm…unworthy of your title…" Odin was ever so great at speeches, and that was a quality not to trifle with.

Loki surrounded his quarrels to agree with that one.

"Unworthy of the loved ones you've betrayed."

A tad harsh. Loki felt not betrayed, at least not personally, in fact it turned out rather splendidly in his view?

"I hereby take from you your powers."

Please, do take his hammer! For all the good of the nine realms, and his sanity! Loki started to cheer mentally, his sadness stricken visage unbetraying of the relieved satisfaction as Mjolnir went flying from Thor's shaking hand and landed in Odin's unwavering grasp. Indeed, this was enough of a punishment, and now they should all go home, feast till sunrise and enjoy many a tankard of the great Asgardian ale.

"In the name of my father…"

Oh, there was more? Loki observed as Thor's armour and cloak were ripped off, piece by piece. Well, do leave some clothes on him, for Odin's sake, and for everyone else's!

"...and of his father before..."

Loki hoped with all his heart that there were not many more mention-worthy predecessors, again for everyone's sake. And he was getting rather thirsty.

"I cast you both out!"

What? Oh. That one was unexpected.

And drizzled with such bitter irony, in so many, many ways, as Loki felt his royal ass squeezed like a juicy plum out of the uncomfortably narrow golden turret of the Bifrost. How appropriate that at last, the Allfather had actually treated both of his sons as true equals. Truly outstanding timing.

Loki had no idea until that very moment what having every atom of one's body elongated truly meant. Wherever he was being spat out to must have been by a thousand stretches farther than any place he'd been to before. It actually hurt, bad. Unless it wasn't the distance at all, it felt more like having his life-essence pulled out of him with a tremendous force. How lovely.

He realized then what had father done. Mortality. And mortality did not fare well in any stretches of space, not for a proud Prince of Asgard. If it was all the same to Odin, could Loki take that prank back now?

His bitter ponderings however were cut short when he finally hit the ground. The resulting darkness was so absolute that Loki thought at first they had been cast out all the way to Hell, or perhaps worse, to Svartalfheim, which was the more difficult way to pronounce Hell.

But not much later, after brushing the annoyingly clinging dust from his delicate derriere and stumbling blindly about, two bright streams of white light, not the red as had been rumoured to be the custom in Hell, came rushing towards him. Ready to greet the welcoming royal guard that undoubtedly must have been alerted to their equally royal arrival, Loki strode off toward the light, and regretted it immediately.

The obvious idiots who rode the oversized horses must have misjudged their ability to handle torches and reigns both, slamming into him head on. Now it more accurately felt like Hell, Loki scrunched up his mouth in an attempt to safeguard his dignity as much as physically possible, his ribs feeling as if they had been turned inside out. He should have them beheaded for this, also immediately. Or as soon as he could in fact speak.

"I think that was legally your fault," a decidedly feminine voice bordering somewhere between irritant and bittersweet assaulted Loki's ringing ears. A female guard? That peculiarity temporarily moved aside, he truly disagreed. This was unquestionably her fault in some insidious desire to overcome the God of Asgard in his weakened and disoriented state. Though, what legally meant, he could only hazard a guess.

"Get the first aid kit!" Another female demanded, holding a gentler voice.

How interesting, an all women guard. Perhaps this realm had hopes yet. On second thought; two fires, two torches, two horses carrying two very loud women neither of which could seemingly ride. And now they wanted to aid him? Not a chance. Only if he tried to speak right then, his broken ribs would make him sound like a mewling woman himself.

"Come on, big guy. Do me a favour and don't be dead, okay? Open your eyes and look at me." One of them spewed out, ordering him about like a commoner or much worse, just like his father. And what should possess him with the need to grant her any favours? And why would he be dying when he was an immortal? Oh, he was.

The raven-haired God blinked under his closed eyelids, suddenly rendered mentally speechless. On a second recollection, did she just call him a big guy? Well, that was a first. His eyes shot open, blinding pain shoved momentarily to the side.

And he stared. At a fair maiden of otherworldly qualities, none like in his own realm, showing a rarity of actual intelligence, demureness, and a certain delightfully chaotic element that sparkled in her brightening brown eyes. He most certainly was not in Asgard anymore. And this alien was aesthetically pleasing to gaze upon as well. Perhaps this realm were more deserving of his rule than any other yet?

"Wow. Does that one need CPR? Because I totally know CPR."

Loki inclined his head, that motion still fortunately functioning, to the sound of the second being of the female species, the one producing a rather ear-grinding noise, trying to decipher what she was babbling on about.

Oh yes, there was Thor. He had almost forgotten about the mammoth of a cause of his bitterly mortal predicament. Thor needed his hammer, not CPR, unless that stood for a Cretin's Permission to Rule which he was undeniably short on as well. Did they not know who they were? A sly smile crept slowly onto Loki's dusty face at that staggering thought. At blessed last! Someone who was not acquainted with his overly-pretty, over-glorified, over-exaggeratedly-adored nuisance of a golden-boy brother. The bells of happy banishments were ringing!

"Hammer! Hammer!" Though Thor seemed fast set on steeling the spotlight yet again as all attention turned to him, all staggering about groggily as if he had consumed ten tankards of ale, his commanding voice howling demandingly to the surrounding darkness as though it could produce the said relic.

Loki devoted a moment of his life to rolling his eyes at the award-worthy display of royalty a few paces away from him. That really did not depict Asgard in the most dignified light. Perhaps just as well the strange inhabitants knew not of who they were.

"Ha! He's looking for his hammer! You guys are like Thor and Loki!" The loud female suddenly exclaimed.

Loki's mental cringe was truly painful.

"Did you just stumble out of a comic con?" The one with the strangest of headgears he had ever had the misfortune to sight, continued her peculiar monologue.

As comic as they undoubtedly appeared, sadly this was no con, as much as Loki had wished it to be. In fact, the only well executed con was on their father's part, which made Loki somewhat ironically impressed with the Allfather. Yes, he had not thought that Odin had it in him to finally punish Thor like this, and doubly so, by throwing the God of All Fun in after him to make Thor's debut in banishment all that much more tolerable indeed.

Why else, as any other reason why Odin had banished Loki together with Thor had somewhat eluded him. Was he meant to stop his heavily headed bull of a brother from expressing his extravagant desire to exert his might at everything that looked, spoke or acted against him? Surely Odin knew this to be a hopeless, less than impossibly accomplishable feat. Or did perhaps a resentment stir within his father strong enough at the inclination that Loki was a bad influence on Thor? Honestly, he should know that Thor listened to no one but Thor. And, to his oversized hammer of course, since it did substitute the entirety of his wisdom driven activity. Hence this whole ordeal on his part was truly baffling.

But refocusing on the present task at hand, Loki was about to apologise graciously for his brother's unsightly manners to the alien maiden before him whom was again observing him with an awed interest to his utter surprise and befuddlement. As rotten luck would have it, Thor of course dispelled that rare event by remembering that there was more nonsense he could provide, fury and rage seemingly fighting for their right to rule within his head.

"Father! Heimdall! I know you can hear me! Open the bridge!"

It was very clear, but obviously only to Loki who instantly noticed that their welcoming delegation was growing a little ill at ease. The self-absorbed Thor however was in his moment of maddened element and only turned to the women in his own patented look of frustration, with an added mixture of agitation, his belligerent powers lashing out from his very threatening presence.

Not good.

Time for subtlety and diplomacy before his brother attacked and hammered yet another world into submission even without his hammer. Loki opened his mouth...and closed it, not getting in a word.

"You! What world is this!" There was no stopping the God of Thunder's blabbermouth fervour it seemed, even as the worried looking man who now appeared out of nowhere placed a hand on Thor's shoulder with accompanying calming words, only to have it shoved off and get a full blast of power-infused screaming in his paling face.

"Where am I! Answer me!"

If only he could have asked nicely. Loki noted duly as the woman with the amusing headgear pulled out some sort of a device from her bag. It looked intricate and advanced, an ancient relic of sorts as it glowed pretty white in the surrounding dark, and crackled like ice splitting under the swing of Mjolnir.

"You're in the desert outside the town of Puente Antiguo," the man, appearing of slightly younger age than Odin, spoke.

Ah, of course, the mortal realm. Midgard. Loki snapped his fingers mentally. It was all starting to make sense now as such names did not partake in existence in any of the other realms of eight, nor did exceedingly pretty looking guard-maidens who knew not of the mighty Thor at first swoon.

"What Realm?! Alfheim? Nornheim?" His brother of course insisted on being a complete Bilchsteim beast. Huge and dumb, usually feathered though, not scaled. The poor sod was in utter denial for his blind arrogance. Honestly, did he want to rule over all nine realms without knowing anything about them?

"Uh…New Mexico?" The rougher, long-haired woman said like that was meant to spark some recognition in Thor. No such luck.

Evidently, the human grew impatient as well, rightly so, and raised her aforementioned device of sorts at Thor. A horrible feeling jumped into Loki's pain ridden chest as it now most certainly resembled a weapon, sparkling with dangerous power in the cold air around them. That shall not make Thor any calmer, he knew. And waited. And here we go…

"You dare threaten Thor with so puny –"

Loki clenched his posterior, readying for the onslaught to come. Shame, the humans were starting to grow on him, at least for their intriguing diversity and for daring to threaten Thor in the first place. Oh well.

The weapon fired and to Loki's staggering surprise, and a flash of temporal amusement, Thor oscillated like an electric eel, and with a face worthy of a tapestry hung upon their father's chambers wall, toppled to the ground.

Loki's widened greens swivelled to the unspeakably brave and mighty maiden – an equivalent of Brunnhilde of the Valkyrior - standing there with her not so puny a weapon still raised and poised to battle more. It occurred to him at that moment that perhaps he knew very little of this realm himself, now abandoned to the complete mercy of these deceptively formidable defenders of this mortal planet.

Perhaps his calming words should be a suitable course of action, not that they ever worked with Thor. Still, they shall soon believe that Loki was posing them no threat. This was going to be a slice of an Asgardian cake. He began to stand up, painfully, clutching an arm still clad in the full glory of Asgardian armour to his bruised and battered chest.

"Honourable warriors, I offer you my utmost admiration at accomplishing such a worthy feat as defeating my" – 'brother' seemed rather dangerous for his present health given the circumstances – "compatriot here, as formidable as he claims to usually be. Should you lower your weapon in a kind gesture of an alliance, I shall inform the Allfather of your bravery here today upon my return to Asgard, thus releasing you from all harm –"

He had thought that his pleasant speech went ever so well…until Loki too found himself feeling like the slippery pond creature caught in its own accidental expulsion of electricity, hearing that irate voice again before all his muscles ceased to function in spasms of exquisite pain and blackness claimed his Godly mind.

"What! They were both freaking me out!"

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God of Mischief, I failed terribly didn't I? But if you still feel like pouring out your outrage, here is my quick and simple, 3 easy-step guide on how to review:

1) Attach your typing device to Laufey's face. For this I recommend wearing warm clothing, thick gloves and an invisibility cloak.

2) Hide somewhere while Thor storms in and smashes said face with his lovely rampant hammer.

3) Ta-dah! An instantly hammered and frosty review! Now grab it quick and get the hell out of there before your butt turns to blue!

Thanks so much! Tora.