Author's Note: Ugh. I really should be updating stuff, rather than starting new stuff. But whatevs. I've had this plan under my cap for about a year-and-a-half now, so here it is. It's a little...I don't know how to describe it. This first chapter is kind of confusing, so just know that this is definitely an AU fic. Anywho, I hope you enjoy!!

Disclaimer: As always, I do not own Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy, or any of the characters or settings depicted herein.


DoublePlay

Chapter One: "First Sight"

Roxas spent most nights trying to remember life before Destati. He would lie awake until dawn crept through his high window, trying to recall anything that was neither nothingness, or that blurry vision of wild hair and emerald eyes that had welcomed him to this world. He was reluctant to call it a life.

It seemed to him that to qualify as having a life one had to do something, or at least mean something to someone – to impact others or the world in some tiny way. All of these were requirements he was sure he did not meet. He knew nothing but blank walls, gaping, unending corridors, and the unfeeling faces of his twelve acquaintances. He did nothing but watch as Axel and Demyx tried their hand at conversation. The others always seemed busy, robotically bustling throughout the manor on their way to some important room he had yet to find, yet the three of them – the three youngest – spent their days doing nothing but attempting; attempting to force importance upon each other and attempting to recognize and label any emotions that may spring up in the process. It was useless, they knew, but it was all they could do. Try. He was sure they would succeed, if only they could remember whatlife was, if they could just stretch their memories past their Awakenings.

Back then, they must have known what emotions were, what to call them. He knew they could have emotions, he just thought that whatever it was that had erased their past had also erased whatever part of them had known how to be human. And that was why Roxas spent his nights, as well as his days, trying. If he could remember his past, he was sure he'd be able to feel again.

Conversation was sparse in this utterly blank world, unless you were trying to recall. Every one of them had tried once, and they all knew the signs. Now they all stopped their mechanical comings and going briefly, if only to warn him. Remembrance was impossible, they said, and trying for it was dangerous. But he couldn't stop.

Once again, all he could conjure up was Axel. First there was nothing, then his eyes opened and everything was a blur of white walls, red hair, and pale skin, and two gleaming dots of green. When Axel finally came into focus, the red-head had just smiled, crooked and meaningless.

"Welcome back," he'd said, his voice dripping with unintended irony.

Sighing, Roxas returned to the present, and watched as Axel's fingers tip-toed along the foot of his bed. The older man was sitting on the floor, his head resting on the blonde's mattress as he stared into space, his mind far off, focused on God-knows-what.

"I have to remember, Axe," Roxas whispered urgently. "We all do."

Axel's fingers stilled and he was silent for a long moment. Finally, heaving a long, low sigh, he hoisted himself onto the bed, turning to face the boy full-on. For the last handful of nights he'd taken up the habit of staying with Roxas as the blonde tried to remember. Because of the warnings he'd received from everyone else, Roxas had refrained from voicing his thoughts when Axel was around, but tonight he couldn't stop himself. He just didn't understand why no one else wanted to remember. Why they had all given up.

"Listen, kid. I know you've heard this all before – from everyone but me – but they're right. It's dangerous to think about the Past."

"It's important though!" Roxas snapped back, rising onto his knees and leaning forward to challenge Axel. "If we could just remember, then -"

"Then what, Roxas?" the red-head's tone surprised the other boy. He'd expected some sort of explosive reaction, but instead he'd been met with a quiet remark. "What? Then we'd sit around here all day thinking about what we had, not being able to get it back? You know we can't. Xemnas wouldn't let us in a million years. And even if we did...did you ever stop to think that anyone from our past would have been looking for us, unless they'd forgotten too?"

Sighing, Axel shook his head, his eyes wandering away from Roxas's face. "If you want that, buddy, then be my guest. I'd rather...not."

Roxas had remained determined through Axel's every word. He had thought of all that; he just hadn't been affected by it. He didn't want to go back. He just wanted to be able to understand the present.

"Axel, I just -"

"Can't you just focus on what you have now?"

"And what's that, huh? What exactly do I have now? I have nothing but this huge manor and twelve people who-"

"You have -"

"I have to remember! I have to be able to feel again!"

"You can feel, Roxas!" Axel was the one snapping now, his eyes wild as he flung his hands out and shoved the blonde backwards. "Damnit, we all can feel. We just don't know what to call our feelings. So you have that. You have feelings. You have feelings and you have..." he paused, sighing again and dragging a hand through his mess of red hair, "and you have me."

Blinking, Roxas rubbed at the place on his chest where Axel had pushed him. It had hurt only a little, and hadn't accomplished anything but throwing off the blonde's balance briefly. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked.

Axel shrugged. "I don't know."

"Axe..."

"It means you've got me, okay?" he murmured. "It means that when I'm near you I can't breathe right, and it means that when I'm not near you I can't think right. In fact, I can't think at all, unless I'm thinking about you. About you and your hair, and your hands and...your eyes...and justyou," he was moving closer to Roxas now, biting his lower lip as his knees slid across the blonde's sheets until they collided with Roxas's. "It means that when I think about being this close to you, my heart starts beating too fast, and when you start thinking about your past, it stops beating, because I know you didn't have me back then. But if I think about you looking for your memories and getting hurt, it stops beating for even longer, and if you ever did get hurt, I don't think it would start again."

Roxas looked down, focusing on the point where his knees and Axel's were touching. In the corner of his vision he could see the other man's hand, twitching and starting to move toward his own. "And what's all that supposed to mean?" he asked quickly, stopping the red-head's hand where it was.

"It means that you make me feel things, Roxas. I just don't know what to call those things that you make me feel."

"Maybe you would if you remembered..."

"Shut up," Axel whispered gently. The other immediately obeyed, but refused to remove his eyes from those two pairs of black-clad knees. He could already sense Axel's gaze roaming across his features slowly, analytically. He didn't need to see it. The emerald eyed one's breathing was deepening, slowing, and Roxas watched his hands curl into restrained fists.

Finally, Axel continued, his only word coming out in a gust of air. "Fine."

"What?"

"You want to figure out your past? Find a name to put to all of this?"

Roxas nodded.

"Fine. Okay. But I'm helping, and we're not staying here."

"What?" the blonde did look up then, his eyes wide and mouth hanging open. Hadn't Axel just said trying to leave this place was useless – that Xemnas wouldn't let them? Trying to leave was dangerous, and yet here Axel sat, now obviously set on escaping. Wit Roxas. To find out what he needed to know. Axel was perfectly willing to risk his life for Roxas's sake, just so that if the blonde got in trouble, he'd be there to either help or go tumbling after.

The realization made Roxas's heart swell and ache and melted all his doubt. He didn't know exactly what it was but he knew it was a feeling.

"Roxas, I-"

"Okay," the blonde interrupted. Axel didn't need to say anything else; he'd said more than enough already. "Let's do it."

"We'll leave tomorrow night," the other man's voice was breathless and his eyes shone and danced like cold fire.

"We'll leave now," Roxas returned. His heart was racing, and he was sure it was ready to leap out of his chest. His lungs were grabbing and expelling air much too quickly, so that his head swam and his breath was hot. Yes, he definitely had feelings. And now he was ready to name them.

"We have time," he continued, both his and Axel's lips stretching into wide grins. "If we leave now, we can probably make it over Marluxia's garden walls before dawn. We'll have to run, but we'll make it. I know we will."

Without another wasted moment, both men grabbed on to the hoods of their coats and pulled them over their heads. Roxas's chest clenched as Axel's face disappeared into those dark depths, but he had no time to contemplate this, because in a flash they were up and running. Once they left the room, their surroundings never changed. They just kept running straight ahead, past white walls and identical doors, and yawning hallways, air whipping by as they each struggled to keep their eyes off the other.

Just moments ago the manor had seemed so large, unending and imprisoning. But now it was tiny, insignificant. It had not changed; they had. Roxas and Axel. They were so much larger than all this, so much greater. They would find the outside world, and they would conquer it as kings.

The hall still stretched before them. Had it been seconds or years since they'd started running? It didn't matter. They'd make it.

Roxas was starting to run out of breath, though, and his lungs were twisted and charred with the effort of breathing. Nonetheless, his feet thundered across the floor, his heart echoing each crash as he pressed forward, forward, forward...

Until there it was. It sprang up out of nowhere, looming before them like a large, marble-white warning of what may lie beyond it. They paused then, standing in front of that door for only a moment, long enough for them to smile and confirm the realization they had each come to.

Neither of them had seen this door before; they'd never reached this side of the manor. This door would not lead them to the high-walled obstacle of Marluxia's gardens. Instead it would take them somewhere they'd yet to discover. Maybe there would be no walls, or maybe there'd be a path, or at least something that would give them some sort of idea as to where to go next. God knew they hadn't thought of that themselves. Now that they had, it didn't seem to matter; not when they were so close to freedom.

Taking a deep breath, Axel reached out and grabbed hold of the gleaming silver handle, pulled it open, and turned to Roxas. "After you," he whispered.

The blonde was breathing heavily as he nodded, a ridiculous smile splitting his face. "Okay."

He stepped forward, out into the open air, and instantly whirled around, smile fleeing as his heart exploded. A sudden image of Axel shutting the door, disappearing forever, had assaulted him, and it was a paralyzing fault. Now that he knew the other man had some sort of feelings for him, Roxas was sure – somehow – that if the red-head left him to stay in that manor, his past, his need to press on to freedom, would dissolve.

"I won't go without you," he murmured urgently, watching Axel's crooked smile slide off his face.

"I wouldn't let you," the other man replied, his tone more reassuring than chiding as he followed Roxas out the door and slammed it shut behind them.

There was no wall, and there was no path, but neither seemed to make any difference to the two young men, because stretched before them was an expanse of green grass and dark, starry skies. But at the edge of the world, the horizon was blushing. Without a word, or even a glance, for each other they decided to head for the dawn. There was no other sign, and so they began walking, knowing it wouldn't be long before someone noticed they were missing.

"What made you change your mind?" Roxas asked as he slipped off his hood. Axel followed suit, and shrugged.

"What do you mean?"

"You were preaching the dangers of looking for my past, of leaving and then, all of a sudden you were ready to escape...for me."

"Nothing I guess. It just...happened."

"Axel."

"They know something about you."

Roxas almost froze, but the presence of the manor, unseen but still imposing, kept him moving. It didn't matter what the rest knew about him. He was on his way to finding it out anyway. As long as he kept moving.

"I don't know what it is, but I think it's something big. At least, from what I heard Xigbar and Xaldin talking about." Sighing and pulling a hand down his face, Axel paused, before shrugging as his eyes dulled and his jaw clenched. "They...they didn't have an Awakening, Rox. They remember their pasts...they remember all of our pasts. Do you remember when you told me you thought your past was something...important?"

Roxas nodded.

"I think you were right. I think Xemnas has been hiding you or something. I don't know. All I know is that now that you're looking for your answers, they're trying to stop you from asking questions."

"You didn't have to risk everything for me," the blonde murmured, halting in his steps and looking up into Axel's face. The older man's expression was blank, and set in stone. They stared at each other for a long while, Roxas fighting the urge to look away as his heart grew heavy, and Axel keeping his countenance as unreadable as possible.

"You know I wouldn't want to be anywhere you aren't, Roxas."

Roxas smiled as he started walking again. Neither of them knew how, but they'd affected each other. Suddenly he didn't mind the idea of never realizing his past, as long as he found a name for whatever it was that tied him to Axel.