Shelter

A Looking for Alaska fanfic

Note: sorry if I do badly, A: this is my first time writing from a female standpoint, and B: I'm no good at "writing accents"

Lara

Twelve days after

I don't know what's happening. It's bad enough that Alaska had to die. Nobody should have to die like that. But now my boyfriend won't even talk to me. What am I doing wrong?

It would have been bad enough if we had split up "traditionally". All the shared tears and anger. But we haven't. He's just not there, he disappeared in the same event that took Alaska. He's drifting away so quickly, and I feel so helpless. He looks at me, but does not see me. He literally never said goodbye. He just dropped me off this cliff and walked away.

I know Pudge is looking for Alaska. But that leaves me looking for Pudge. And I cannot find him any more than he can find her.

I feel so hollow. Like my insides were filled up by him, and now they're drained out and I have nothing left. I'm just a husk, and the air around me feels just as empty. It was for so short a time, but he filled the air around me, gave me comfort. Now he's gone, and I'm just a vacuum within a vacuum.

Maybe it's stupid. Maybe it's selfish. But I just want someone to hold me, someone to help me through this. I'm not sure if I can make it on my own.

Twenty days after

I can't take this anymore. I need to figure this out. I keep waiting for things to get better and nothing happens.

I went to go find Takumi. I finally found him eating a bufriedo in the dining hall. It still hurts a lot to even talk about it. But I need to know, so I try to hold it together for him. "Takumi… can you ask Pudge… are we still together? I need to know, eet's tearing me apart…"

He looked up at me. "Um… sure. I don't really talk to him much anymore, but I'll see what I can do."

"He's eegnoreeng you too?" I asked. "I thought eet was just me…"

He shook his head. "No, he's been pretty withdrawn lately. Other than the Colonial, he hasn't been talking much to anyone."

I processed this for a second. Then I nodded and got up. "Thank you, Takumi. Let me know what the answer is."

Twenty-two days after

I knew what the answer would be. But that didn't make it hurt any less.

How could he come to me, make me care so much about him, and then just leave? He doesn't seem like someone who would use me, but I'm not so sure anymore. I'm not sure of anything anymore.

I still cared about him so much, yet a part of me almost hated him. I couldn't believe anyone would ever cause someone this kind of pain. It was all because he cared for me, and I wanted to care for him so badly, and then he just stopped. It just ended, in a split second we all lost Alaska, and I, I personally lost everything.

Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't everyone just be happy? If I almost hate Pudge now, I absolutely loathe Alaska. How could she do this to any of us? How could she just single-handedly ruin all of it? Did she have any idea what she was doing?

I've been left outside. And it is very cold out here.

Thirty-seven days after

I bumped into him after religion class. He turned and looked at me, and I can't describe the look on his face. He was so distant, and the look on his face was both pitying and pitiful. The confusing mixture of caring and loathing got even stronger.

"I'm sorry," he said. I hadn't heard his voice in so long; it was almost foreign to me. I could feel tears building up, and I wanted to lash out at him, at Alaska, at everything. But I couldn't. So I ran. I ran away to my next class, and then I couldn't hold it in anymore.

I didn't let anyone see. It's surprising how easy it is for people to miss the fact that someone is crying, if they do it quietly. I was able to keep it down, but I couldn't keep it all pent up any longer.

The class seemed to take forever to pass, and yet at the same time it was almost over too quickly. When the bell rang, I couldn't find a reason to stand up. I just sat there, waiting for something to happen.

Surprisingly, something did happen. Another student came over and took my hand. Gently, almost as if asking permission, skin flickering on the edge of mine. I looked up. "What?" I asked.

I recognized the boy standing there, but I had not spoken to him much. His name was Daniel, one of the quieter kids who sat near the front of the class. His blue eyes looked down at me, full of concern. "Come on. It's ok, I just want to talk."

Slowly, I got up and walked out of the classroom with him. "What do you want to talk about?" I asked once we found a place to stop.

"What's the matter? You looked so sad during class. What can I do to help you?" He spoke slowly and haltingly, as though he wasn't quite used to having conversations out loud with people.

I didn't mean to glare at him. But I wasn't in a very pleasant mood. "My friend ees dead. My boyfriend broke up with me- used me, broke me, and threw me away. Eet hurts, eet feels like I'm burneeng from the eenside out. I don't know how he could do thees to me."

He took a minute to process this. "I really don't know either. But I do know I'll do anything I can to help you out."

I let out a bitter laugh. I couldn't meet his eyes as I spoke. The tears had made me loose sight of them anyway. "Bring heem back to me."

He took in a shaky breath. "I don't think I can do that. But I can try to fill the emptiness he left."

I wanted to punch him in the face. So I did. Not very hard, but evidently hard enough to make his nose bleed. He fell back towards the wall, sliding down slowly. I instantly regretted punching him, especially as tears filled his eyes and blood ran down his upper lip. I knelt down next to him. "I'm so sorry! I don't… I just…" He was smiling at me through the tears. He took another breath, sounding even less stable than before.

"It's ok. If it helped you, it's ok. I told you, I'd do anything." I stared at him in shock for almost a minute. Then I smiled at him. I was finally able to meet his eyes.

"Ok."

Now he was staring at me. "What?"

I took his hand. "I'll try it. I'll let you help me."

TO BE CONTINUED