AN: This... is the product of my recent obsession with the most hilarious Sherlock crack-pairing I've ever come across. It started out as an omegle chat, but then I typed everything down and tweaked a few things with it like punctuation and the mistakes made with the characters' initials.
Sherlock belongs to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the BBC, Mark Gatiss, and the Moffinator (aka - Steven Moffat). If I owned it, just as with FMA, I would've ruined it beyond recognition.
Enjoy, kiddies! And don't let me hear that you've made the same mistake as Mycroft did!
John? -SH
Yes, Sherlock? -JW
There's... something you need to know. -SH
What? You can tell me... unless it's something to do with burning my jumpers again... -JW
Well... Mycroft is getting married, and he's invited us to his wedding. -SH
Oh. That's... nice, I guess. I didn't know he was even with anyone. -JW
No, no, that's not where the problem is. The problem is who, or in this case, WHAT he is even with. -SH
Who is it? It can't be that bad... -JW
... It's a cake, John. -SH
... Excuse me? -JW
You heard me, Mycroft is engaged to a cake. I am an in-law with a CAKE. -SH
Oh, God... tell me it's some sort of joke... is that even legal? -JW
No, really, John. He somehow sucked up to the bigwigs well enough for them to permit him to go through with it. He even showed me the document certifying their engagement. -SH
I saw the cake itself as well... big, pink, and covered in strawberries. My God, did it ever make me nauseous... -SH
Haha... Oh God, who else is invited? It will be a complete disaster! ... Where would he even put the rign? -JW
Exactly what I'm wondering... I also wonder whether or not he even managed to GET more guests, considering people wouldn't be able to take him seriously enough. -SH
Oh, gosh... I've never laughed so much. -JW
You're not alone, John. In the moments where I wasn't nauseous I was keeled over in laughter. Mycroft didn't approve. -SH
Of course I didn't , little brother. -MH
Wha - Mycroft?! -SH
Mycroft... you and your cake in holy matrimony, eh? LOL -JW
What the hell are you even doing here? -SH
I came to give you an update on the wedding between Cordelia and I. It will be held in a few days, at 1 in the afternoon. -MH
And in response to your question, John - yes, I will soon be united in holy matrimony with Cordelia. -MH
May I remind you, Mycroft, that this is a PRIVATE texting line? -SH
Cordelia?! Haha, oh God... that's priceless! -JW
There's no need, Sherlock, I have as much of a right to partake in your discussions about myself as you do. -MH
And I'd advise you to control yourself, John. You'd better not start laughing like that during the ceremony. -MH
Good luck trying to stop me... will Cordelia give me a telling off? Haha -JW
Nice one, John... Mycroft, can you tell your Cordelia that she's let herself go just a smidgeon? -SH
Why, pray, should I tell her something that will potentially be insulting to her, little brother? -MH
OH GOD... stop... seriously, my stomach hurts from laughter -JW
I wonder what Lestrade will make of this situation... wasn't he with you before the whole cake thing? -SH
Lestrade... dumped for a cake. Now that's a Facebook status! Seriously, Mycroft - how is the sex? Delicious? LOL -JW
That's quite enough, John! What happens between myself and Cordelia is none of your business! Neither of yours! -MH
What about Lestrade's? -SH
You tell Greg and I'll have the hounds on you, Sherlock! Don't make me go against you! -MH
So why'd you connect me to this thing again, Sherlock? -GL
Oh God... this is gonna be fun! -JW
I believe Mycroft has something to tell you. -SH
Now you've done it... -MH
Done what? What do you need to say to me that's so important that you've got Sherlock telling me about it? -GL
Greg, I... I'm getting married. -MH
You're WHAT?! -GL
Indeed. And there's a catch to it as well. -SH
Oh, you'd better hope to God that it won't make me have to go over to your damn, posh, little shack and beat the shit out of you, Mycroft! -GL
I would have cake instead, actually... lol -JW
John, that wasn't funny! -MH
I happen to find it quite hilarious... as does Sherlock, I assume. -JW
Of course, I do. Nothing gets better than cake jokes within the past few minutes... it's actually the most I've ever laughed since Buckingham Palace! -SH
I don't think I'll ever be able to hear the word "cake" again without laughing -JW
Look, I don't care about your stupid inside joke! Just tell me, Mycroft, what miserable bint you've been enough of a wanker to run off with, you idiot! -GL
Greg, I... -MH
He is quite... yummy -JW
Are you feeling embarrassed, Mycroft? The tiniest bit humiliated? Or, dare I say it... FROSTY? -SH
Or she... sorry, hard to put a gender on it, I mean, her -JW
FROSTY! Gah, this is amazing -JW
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF BOTH YOUR GAMES! JUST OUT WITH IT, MYCROFT! -GL
Alright, if Mycroft is too much of a chicken to tell you himself, then I will! He is marrying a humongous, pink, gluttonous strawberry CAKE, which he baptized as CORDELIA. -SH
... -GL
WITH STRAWBERRIES! Can't forget the strawberries -JW
You sonovabitch, Mycroft. You cake-fucking sonovabitch. -GL
I lost you to a fucking cake?! WHAT IN THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR HEAD, YOU TWAT?! -GL
AM I REALLY NOTHING TO YOU?! IS MY ARSE ALL YOU WANTED?! -GL
No, please, Greg! You don't understand! -MH
Oh, God... did NOT need that image. -JW
OH, I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND, EH?! WHY A FUCKING DIPSHIT IS WILLING TO CHOOSE AN INANIMATE OBJECT OVER THEIR LOVER?! -GL
Mycroft, I thought you were on a diet... -JW
That's it. I'm coming over there, and I'm going to EAT your precious CORDELIA. Right in front of your bleeding eyes. -GL
Wait, no! Don't you dare! -MH
Can I join you? I'm pretty hungry... -JW
I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I FEEL LIKE, YOU WANKER! -GL
And you two stay out of it - this is MY DIVISION! -GL
I'll contact the highest authorities to dispose of you if you dare set foot into my house, you hear?! -MH
Too late, you fucking twat. I'm already there. -GL
I'm still traumatized of the image of your arse, Greg... -JW
Your fucking cake is nothing but a LIE, Mycroft. It's time you got some sense into that thick, fat head of yours. -GL
I'm still here, in case you all thought I wasn't. I just couldn't stop laughing long enough to text back... -SH
~*(In SpongeBob narrator's voice) Three hours later...*~
Guys, I ate her. -GL
After giving Mycroft a good punch. -GL
CONGRATULATIONS! Was she as delicious as she sounded? -JW
In fact, I actually managed to fuck enough sense into him that we BOTH ended up eating her. -GL
And in answer to your question, John - yes, she was delicious. As was he. -GL
I hope that when you say "Fuck some sense" you don't mean literally - no, wait... you do. God, I didn't need that image, either! -JW
Charming. -SH
So the wedding is now off, I take it? -JW
Of course, it bloody well is, John. We ate the fucking bride, didn't we? -GL
Poor cake... had her whole life a head of her. -JW
Fuck the cake. Or fuck WITH it, in this case. -GL
Again, charming. -SH
Sherlock... Would you ever leave me for a cake? -JW
John, who do you take me for? I'm bloody well not Mycroft. -SH
Just checking. :) -JW
I love you, John. -SH
Well, I'll just leave you blokes to your lovey-dovey-ness, then. I'm going to have a massive hangover when I wake up tomorrow... -GL
From the whiskey AND the afterglow, mind you. -GL
Why do you insist on burning the image of you fucking Mycroft into my head? -JW
My response is the same. Charming. -SH
Yeah, tell Donovan that I'm calling off sick tomorrow, will you, Sherlock? -GL
Will do. -SH
Night then, boys. -GL
Goodnight. -SH
Night. Tell us when the funeral of poor Cordelia is, won't you? -JW
I told you, John, to fuck the cake. -GL
Now, good night. -GL
Good night :P -JW
That was... one of the more interesting text conversations we've had in a while. -SH
It made me laugh, at least. Plus, it will be something we can hold against them. -JW
Oh, definitely. Mycroft, especially... -SH
I look forward to giving Lestrade knowing looks when he shows up at the yard. -JW
I'd no longer care about the DI's personal life, and more about the cases he'll be assigning me. But you'd already know that by now. -SH
Also, remind me, John. If we were to ever get married, let's not have cake at our wedding. Those two things, as you've witnessed just now, never lead to good consequences. -SH
I'll do the looks for both of us, then. And yes, can we have jam instead, then? -JW
Yes, that'll be just perfect. -SH
I look forward to it. -JW
*~End~*
