11/6/13 All rights to respective owners(Bioware/EA), except Winter Shepard who is my own creation.

Shepard had to run. The truth was eating her up inside.

It could not have been too shocking to see Commander Shepard doing her rounds so late into sleep cycle. Doing the paces between cargo and CIC kept seemed like her new hobby. As the Reapers took more territory she got less sleep. Her joints ached and her head throbbed every time a new report came in. Luxon Colony. Fallen. Greyshore. Fallen. Mindoir...(she'd hold her breath and count to ten) still standing for what it was worth. The reports kept coming in. The lists of colonies and the lists of the dead stacked high in her mind.

The past replayed twice as often as the lists. As messed as it was she could not deny that every night some part of her said a prayer thanking whatever gods out there for the fact that her family was dead. They didn't need to see this. They didn't need to see her fail. Shepard bit into her lip, turning hard around a corner, stepping into the elevator. Shepard laced her fingers together staring up at the ceiling. Ice settled into the base of her spine, reaching out to the pit of her stomach. She placed a hand against her stomach letting out a slow breath.

"I'm sorry." She's not sure why she said it or who it was for, but somehow it was not enough.

Hopefully, Vega would be down in the shuttle bay, and up for doing something, anything. "You know where to find me commander." It was pretty true he rarely seemed to go other places on the ship unless it was poker night or he needed to think. Reliable. James treated her like another soldier instead of as a hero or a ghost. She tried not to show favoritism, but some members of her squad and crew just clicked with her. Maybe he would be up for a game of cards.

When she walked into the shuttle bay James wasn't in sight. The only ither creature down there was the little mech dog, Kei-9, who came padding up to her. It scanned her up and down, but afterward it remained by her side. It had learned a new trick, the commander loved dogs. She knelt down and patted it's head.

"You do know you're a mech right?"

Kei-9 made a small series of beeping noises.

"Fine. Live in your fantasy world if you like dog." She gave her another pat and Kei-9 began to sniff...scan some cords on the floor.

Shepard walked over to James impromptu work station running her fingers over the edges of the table. Outside of the mess of tools, assault rifle mods, and miscellaneous stuff she was pretty sure he had next to nothing. His home was Earth and chances were whatever he had there was gone. Shepard bit her lip again, feeling the muscles of her face contort in disgust. The Reapers would leave no stone unturned. Everything would fall.

Shepard shook the thought from her mind and moved to James pull-up bar. With a baby jump she reached the bar gripping it tight. The moment her fingers clasped around it the icy metal gave her a start. Cold, fucking hate cold, she thought as she managed to pull her body upward. A heavy sigh escaped her as she lowered herself. How many people were dying while Commander Shepard did pull-ups?

"Too late to think." She whispered to herself, pulling her body up again.

She lowered down, her hands twitching somewhat. The image of the little boy who haunted her dreams popped in her mind. Even from a distance she had felt the heat of his escape shuttle as it blasted into thousands of pieces. Not having the faith of an adult was one thing but for a child...

"Too late for the past."

She pulled herself up once more. The thought rushed in her head despite her best efforts. A chill colder than the rod crept in through her back and claimed her body. Before Kaidan she had never thought about settling down completely. She would gain rank, and then maybe years later settle back with a boy toy and teach biotics how to warp batarians and geth back to hell. It was simple back then and even after Kaidan it had been somewhat simple. They'd be together no matter what. They'd be old soldiers together and maybe one day they'd have a little boy with whiskey colored eyes or a girl who had Shepard's tactical skill. They'd grow old and live in Vancouver. Every year they'd invite the old Normandy crew over for burgers, the real stuff not that processed synthetic crap. She'd make specialty meals for Garrus and Tali.

"Too late for-"

"-silly self deceptions like I would have never expected of you." Shepard said, as she and Miranda made their way through the presidium commons. "Miranda, you can't act like if you don't tell me it never happened."

Miranda's body language was unmistakable, controlled with perfect poise. Where most people would only notice grace Shepard saw the slight hints of tension in Miranda's posture. Her tighten shoulders, her closed in body language. Shepard's questions had put her on edge. They brushed past a volus whose over presumptuous hands ran up both their thighs. Both women stopped and looked to each other than back to the chubby alien walking away from them as though he were innocent.

He wasn't worth it, but damn did Shepard want to punch something.

. "Shepard, don't go opening a can of worms where it's irrelevant."

"Miranda, do you remember what I told you the first time we went drinking together?" They waited for a group of Salarians to step off the elevator before stepping on. Once Miranda selected their location on the control panel she crossed her left arm over her chest holding her chin in her right hand.

Miranda shrugged nodding. "Sure I do. "I respect how you operate, Miranda. That may shock you, but I respect your precision-""

" "-and the way you keep order."" Shepard smiled, nodding at the memory.

The air was still a moment as Miranda drew in a quiet breath. She leveled her shoulders, spreading her feet apart, and straightening her posture, mimicking Shepard's general stance as best she could.

"I think I sat there skeptical of you for about a half minute befor you said "just because I could never be like you doesn't mean I can't respect you, or even like you. It may mean I like you more."" Miranda said the last line with her best impression of Shepard. Did she really sound that full of herself though? Shepard hoped not. "That was the day I decided your honesty was less a risk and more of an asset."

Shepard chuckled leaning against the wall, watching as the numbers slowly lowered on the panel. uneasiness settled into her gut and the subtle nauseating feeling began again. Shepard had never been one to struggle with anxiety over talking to people, but the entire situation was just messed. She drew in a deep breath looking at Miranda's perplexed face. This wasn't going to be easy was it?

"Do me a favor, just this once. Well, admittedly you have done me a few favors."

Miranda raised a brow, crossing her arms again as she scoffed "A few?"

"More than a few, but at least we're friends now. That makes this different." Shepard sounded like a child trying to make a deal with a teacher for a better grade. Part of her insides twisted up. Begging for good will had never been Shepard's strong point. In a strange way as much as she complained doing things for people in order to gain their support made her feel better. That option was currently un-fucking-available. "So I'm asking you to do me a favor and tell me the truth. You could go your life without knowing in this situation, but I can't."

The elevator stopped in a section of the presidium commons. It was not the spot she usually frequented near Apollo's café, but it was still clinically pristine like every other part of the presidium. Miranda lead Shepard down a staircase to where they could over look the water. No one gave them much of a second glance except for a few hungry eyes. Shepard couldn't blame them with Miranda in her tight fitting jumpsuit and Shepard in her short black dress they were a nice show. Just two women with minor terrorist ties walking along, nothing important.

"Shepard…"

"Miranda."

Miranda pinched the bridge of her nose shutting her eyes "Don't make me do this to you Shepard."

"Do what? What do you think will happen? I'll start weeping and sobbing?"

"No. I think what will happen is you get frustrated for a while, and swallow it because you're Winter Shepard." Miranda sounded half tired, as though Shepard's nature exhausted her by thought alone.. Shepard suppressed the small smirk threatening the corners of her mouth. "Then you nearly get yourself killed by using your battles as stress relievers and being reckless."

"I deal with it better tha-"

"No, Shepard, you don't. You think you do that's why parts of your psych profile were a mile long. I'm going to tell you what you told me, "you're always more sensitive than you ever think you are when things hit close to home." And Shepard I don't think this could be closer to home." Miranda gripped the railing in front of her shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

Miranda stared off watching the calm waters move lackadaisically along. From her brunette hair and carefully sculpted face down to her perfectly proportioned hips and long legs, Miranda was damn near perfect. At times, for very brief moments, Shepard wished Cerberus could have upgraded her ass to look like Miranda's. Still as Shepard's eyes roamed over Miranda's features, she thanked the heavens that she didn't have that perfection. Miranda used cool logic, telling the truth would distract Shepard from saving everyone. It has already passed regardless, so it was irrelevant. The solution— don't tell Shepard. it wasn't so damn simple. Life was messy. Shepard was messy. Miranda's perfect genes couldn't quite cope with that sometimes. With a labored sigh Shepard looked on over the water, brushing her hair to the side.

"You're probably right." Shepard's fingers tapped along the bottom of the railing before she gripped it tight. "I'm going to die Miranda."

"What?"

"We know war is never fair. We've lost good men and women. Good friends are now dead. Entire worlds, colonies, are burning. I was ushered into death young. It's nothing to me to see it, to cause it, and hell I've felt it slowly encroaching…squeezing the life from my lungs with the most horrifyingly gentle touch you could ever imagine." Her body tensed and she gripped the railing tighter. Her knuckles popped and paled, as her heart began to slow with each of her measured breaths. She wasn't afraid to die. To be afraid meant she would hesitate. Hesitation wasn't an option. "I will probably die before this war is over, and it will probably be painful."

"…That's morbid of you." Miranda stared straight out over the water. It could have been her imagination, but Shepard swore she saw Miranda flinch. That was a first.

"Thanks," She chuckled, then smiled at Miranda. "Just tell me. I just want to know even though it may fuck with my head. I want to know even though it means nothing. It's one of those things I don't want to die not knowing. Can you understand Miranda?"

The two women turned to each other in silence. Never would Shepard have thought her list of closest allies would include a Cerberus agent. Miranda probably felt the same about Shepard being Alliance. Miranda's eyes darkened and her brow wrinkled as her lips dropped into a frown. She turned stepping back her fingers still around the railing. Her body slumped, and her eyes focused on the ground. Winter Shepard had just gotten former Cerberus agent Miranda Lawson to surrender. The taste of victory would have been sweeter under other circumstances, but as Miranda straighten up a bitter taste stained Shepard's mouth. She had not meant to make Miranda feel so...sad. However, if it helped her cause who was she to argue?

Shepard kept rolling the memory over in her mind. She had kept quiet when Miranda showed her the data on her omni-tool, and also kept quiet when she explained things more succinctly. It wasn't until Shepard was wandering the ship that the thought kept ravaging her mind. Life was such an unfair thing. Truly fucking terrible. Yet the universe had given her another chance at it. That said the universe was a selfish bitch that was just looking out for itself in resurrecting her.

It wasn't a big deal. She hadn't even known for sure the past was dead. Why did it make her insides ache like poison was dripping down the walls of her insides. Maybe Miranda's words were truer than Shepard realized. The truth bred distracting painful thoughts. The universe fucked her over twice through death. Then again Shepard was never sure that it was a life she wanted to lead.

Shepard pulled herself up again, her chin just barely hitting the bar. She let go, staring up at it with a sneer before continuing. The sound of somewhat light footsteps hit her ears. Those footsteps were the most familiar to her. Probably because she waited for them every night. Every day. Every chance she could. Except at that moment. She hadn't wanted to see him yet. The decision to tell him was still up in the air. Christ.

"Hey Kaid," She said.

"Hey, couldn't sleep?"

She gave a quick glance over her shoulders, but immediately went back to pulling herself up, lifting her chin over the bar.

"Yeah, have a lot on my mind." The quietness of her voice almost startled her. She sounded so focused, so flat. She sounded like after Mindoir all over again. A shudder ran through her causing her grip to loosen. She bit the inside of her cheek and began doing more pull ups. The situation, the secret facts, denied to her previously were unimportant. Details of a minor biography. Her strength surpassed that. The multitude of feelings would stay behind the barrier in the far reaches of her mind.

"Yeah, something kind of told me you did."

Her response was a choked grunt as she lifted herself once more. The ache crawling up her muscles indicated that she must have been at it for longer than she realized. No wonder Kaidan woke up. He always did if she was gone too long. She could almost feel him folding his arms over his chest, his eyes fixed on her back. If she had Miranda's ass, maybe that would distract him.

The gentle humming of the ship filled the silence hanging over them. The balloon of tension floated there gradually gaining width the longer he watched. Her pull ups became more intense. He'd seen it on the battlefield far too many times, that "reckless" stress relieving Miranda mentioned. She moved a bit faster, pushing through the strain.

"Tell me what's up with you Shepard."

"Well," She hefted herself up again, grunting out "there's the war." She lowered herself only to hear him give one of his Freud like 'hmm's. Damn that man could irritate her.

Lift

"There's everyone looking at me to save them like I know what the hell I'm doing." She couldn't stop the venom in her voice. Honestly, she didn't really care to.

Lift

"There's the Illusive Man."

Her grip tightened and she struggled to lift herself again. Those bright blue unnatural eyes popped in her head. Did he stand over her tortured remains as they told him about her state before death? Shepard's fingers weakened, leaving her hanging limp. The ache in her arms burned, but she pushed herself harder, forcing out four more pull ups. As she tried to lift herself once more the air left her lungs. Five years ago she could do more, four dozen more at least, but the weariness caught up with her. Sleep could be so...illusive. Wrong choice of words.

"But there's something else. I know you Shepard."

A seething heat crawled in her veins followed by a rush of adrenaline. The ease with which Kaidan dissected her left plenty of room for irritation, one of her favorite fuels. Even in the man's annoying me he helps me ugh . Despite the strain in her arms she pulled herself up again with a grunt."Aren't you quite the therapist?"

The words were accusatory, scathing. Garrus once teased she could cut a Krogan with her tone, and damn if it didn't sound like she tried to. "Forget it major."

"Don't-" The words echoed in the open corridor and Kaidan paused. Shepard looked over her shoulder, trying to mask the look of regret that took over her expression. He lowered his eyes letting out a breath before meeting her gaze. Kaidan looked a bit tired, his eyes somewhat glazed, his shoulders slumped more than usual. The stress was eating away at everyone. "Don't block me out."

Her eyes focused on the opposing wall as she continued on despite the fire making its way up her arms. Shepard used to be better at hiding things, except when it came to Kaidan. No one knew the truth about Mindoir outside of Anderson, family, and top brass. Yet, everyone knew about her and Kaidan almost immediately. After Horizon everyone knew something was up before she even told them. Fucking Kaidan making me have fucking emotions that were fucking obvious. Kaidan Alenko powerful biotic, great ass, damn fine lover, and Commander Shepard's greatest weakness. Yeah that sounded about right.

"Winter...talk to me."

I could tell Kaidan right now.

"It…is not relevant."

Would he get upset? Would he even care?

"What isn't?"

Yes. He just might.

"What's bugging me." She let out a rasping grunt, letting go of the bar, glancing in his direction. She held one arm to her chest, twisting her torso one way then the other, stretching.

"Hun." Kaidan lowered his voice despite the fact that they were alone, and half the ship had already put two and two together. Old habits died hard. "I've seen you frustrated, and angry, and depressed, but…I've rarely seen you with that look in your eye."

She shrugged reaching down slowly, listening to one vertebrae pop one after one."What look, Kaid?"

She looked to him briefly before continuing her stretching.

"The look where you can't actually look me in the eye."

Without a word she stood up straight folding her arms beneath her breasts, holding herself. Shepard met Kaidan's eyes, and the concern played out in them crushed her. Vulnerable. He made her vulnerable. Her eyes lowered fixated on the steel floor . Maybe if she stared long enough it would give her the answer to making him go away.

Kaidan brushed a few stray hairs from her face, staring into her eyes, as if looking straight through her. He caressed down to her neck then to her shoulder. She closed her eyes, trying to pretend things were different. Each trail his fingers left shot through her body sending a tingling down her spine. Sensations like arousal, but never quite reaching in between her legs. Emotional arousal. Feeling. Living. It was still new to her. He gave her an infection of the sweetest kind, but it had its pricks and pains—Horizon, Mars, the fact that Shepard shot Udina without much thought. This was just another. So why was it hurting so bad?

"Kaidan don't."

"Is this related to your little dinner date with Miranda?"

"Kaidan…don't go somewhere you don't want to when you don't have to." Miranda had tried to do the same to her, but this was different. Kaidan wasn't her. He didn't need to know. He never needed to know. It wasn't his body he probably never even suspected. She had already run through what his reactions could be, but none seemed accurate. Most were too dramatic and the rest were too measured. Kaidan didn't need the burden he didn't...

When Shepard's eyes opened neither looked away from the other. The wear and tear showed in her eyes every time she looked in the mirror, and one look said that it hurt him like hell. Shepard was never as good as he was at reading people, but the flickers of fear were too obvious. I trust you. I love you please don't think otherwise. God please. I'm just not...put me in a fire fight but here with you it's so hard...The explanation was bubbling in the back of her throat threatening to escape. Shepard tried to force them out, but they hit a wall. Her emotional barriers were just as strong as her biotic ones, and just as stubborn.

"Where you go I go. Doesn't matter the situation Shepard. Trust me enough for that."

The words sent adrenaline pumping through her again, but this time it wasn't anger. It was a rush of energy and suddenly the words she wanted to say became the thing she was dying to contain. If she didn't get them out she would explode. The secret, the truth, the past, or whatever it was would rip her apart.

"I died Kaidan. I thought I died alone, and I was alone, but I wasn't-"

"What are you-"

"When Liara found me and gave Cerberus my body they fixed me. They analyzed every nook and cranny to get me back to normal. They grabbed files and hacked systems in reference to virtually every medical exam I had ever taken. They splayed me open and put me back together exactly as I should have been." She grabbed his hand pressing it to her neck, feeling the warmth of his hand wash over her.

Kaidan knew the spot well, right above where her neck met her shoulder. On the SR-1 he would pull her into a corner and leave kisses along a long almost faded scar. A nearly fatal scratch left by a husk on Eden Prime. But there was fresh flesh now without a scar to speak of.

"But I wasn't exactly as I used to be. I was a blank slate— old wounds heeled, minor imperfections inflicted by years of hard work, and hard fighting were gone. But…that…that wasn't…" She looked away, shutting her eyes tight retraining the tears that had begun to line her eyes. Commander Shepard doesn't fucking cry on her ship. No, never, and yet there she was. Why was she like this? It wasn't a big deal. It had happened long ago, but damn if it didn't feel open and fresh.

Kaidan tried to pull her into his arms but she just pushed him away. Her face contorted and she looked down, wiping her eyes so no tears would fall. The sweat on her hands made her eyes burn a little, but so long as she looked away he wouldn't notice Shepard drew in a deep breath and looked up. She had reset her barrier. It had faltered but it would not break. Kaidan stared at her with a look of uncertainty and worry. He saw right through her because he'd seen the look on her face far too often. It was the look she had after Asheley's death, and after Thessia, self hatred…disgust.

Kaidan moved to speak, but Shepard put up a hand to stop him.

"We spent a lot of time in bed Kaidan, and birth control's never perfect."

Kaidan's face paled and his eyes went wide. "Shepard…are you saying you…you…" He searched for the words in the depths of her eyes, but she just looked away focusing on his feet.

She rubbed her hands together ignoring the sweat and soreness of her palms. Everything was spinning around them. She had lost her footing and didn't know where she was going. "I was. When I died I had a suspicion, but I thought it was paranoia. Aunt Flo didn't come, but I thought it was stress."

"You never said..." The words were barely above a whisper as Kaidan trailed off. His gaze moved to the floor, searching for the answers she sought earlier.

I can tell you that won't work.

She turned away from him facing the bulkhead leaning against a crate holding her body as if trying to keep it together. Cold second after second her hands began trembling more and more. The emotions had stormed the barrier with a plot to wreck it to shreds. It was shameful, a fucking disgrace. At least none of the crew were around to see it. Weak. Weak woman.

"Why did you never tell me?" There was a minor flare from his biotics that caused her to jump. His biotics were always something he kept on a short leash. Her own amp responded with a minor crackle. She turned around and inhaled feeling the aura of his biotic flicker. He looked confused, almost disturbed, but more than that worry lay in his eyes.

"I didn't know."

A sigh left him and he rubbed his forehead before meeting her gaze again. "Did Miranda tell you?

"Yeah, earlier. Between the collectors, the Reapers, Cerberus, and everyone else in the damn galaxy I didn't even think to ask about it before. I was going over a medical file looking for details on my implant out of curiosity, and it just popped in my head. I remember the attack but some of my...smaller memories weren't clear." She ran her fingers through her hair and a hollow laugh ran through her. The humor wasn't lost on her. The fact that she someone who never really thought about children would be so upset over something so insignificant. The thought hadn't crossed her mind in months, so what reason did she have to be upset? "It doesn't even matter. I mean…it doesn't. We didn't even know. Can you imagine? I mean what would have even happened?" An itch moved into her spine and down to her legs. She needed to move or everything would come crashing down on her. Shepard began to pace back and forth, trying to keep her voice low as her feet sped up. She couldn't slow down. To slow down was to get upset, and to be upset over nothing was to be weak. She wasn't weak. Never. "Even if the collectors had not come and even if I had never been spaced what would have happened? You would have been transferred and we both would have been reprimanded. God knows what else…"

"Shepard."

"Look at me I'd make a terrible mother. Sure I play mother and scoutmaster to everyone else in the damn galaxy, but that's different." As she spoke she barely stopped to take a breath.

"Shepard." He moved towards her, but she refused to freeze.

"I don't even know why I'm so damn upset! Nothing's changed."

Kaidan grabbed her by the shoulders forcing her to remain in one spot. The barriers inside were crumbling. Against her will her body was shaking, and under his gaze her tears were about to break free of the dam she worked hard to build. In the depths of Kaidan's eyes emotions played back and forth, going from confusion to anger to sadness and back. Yet the love in his eyes never faltered.

"It's ok." His voice was low, and Shepard wondered if the same expressions in his eyes were mirrored in hers. "It…it doesn't have to make sense. You don't have to rationalize everything and only feel what you think you should feel. Shepard, you have the right to feel whatever you need to. Maybe it's not always that way— we both know it can't be— but with me don't…please just don't hold back."

As Kaidan finished something in her broke. The barrier within her had collapsed sending hot tears down her sweaty cheeks as sobs choked her throat. She gasped for breath, fighting for control of herself, but as he took her into his arms the fight was lost. As his arms held her impossibly tight she could tell he needed this as much as she did. No, it didn't make perfect logical sense so long after the fact. Shepard couldn't explain it, and the certainty that Kaidan couldn't only served to make her love him more. There never needed to be an explanation or reason for anything between them.

In front of his students he was the biotic hero whose cool veneer caused fear as much as respect. To her crew— Hell to the galaxy— she was Commander Shepard hero of the Citadel, defender of the galaxy, and the woman who defied death itself. For a moment, they allowed themselves to be just a man and a woman who loved each other. They allowed themselves to feel something what they may never get to properly express again, parents locked in a sorrow for a child they had never known existed until far too late. There nature's were self inflicted. Kaidan was self contained, and Shepard was blocked off despite how verbose she tried to appear. Kaidan knew that well enough. Her life hurt less when she blocked things. He knew that well enough. Both of them would get past it and carry on, but for the moment they just stayed as they were. They'd get on it in their own way.

When the moment passed that shit would be buried.

She would go back to being Commander Shepard.

He would go back to being Major Alenko one of the best biotics in the galaxy.

They would potentially be the most deadly human couple known in human history.

They would go back to saving the galaxy from its utmost threat.

But for that moment they let each other feel the irrational things no one else gave them leeway to

And it was all both of them needed.