Los Angeles, october 2017
I walked out of the doctor's office with a sad feeling and a decision rolling across my mind. Jan was by my side, but she wasn't really there. Looking at her, so lost and so fragile, broke my heart, and I couldn't but curse fate, for being so unfair with her. She didn't deserve going through something like that...no one did, in fact.
At first, it had been small omissions, and to be true, I didn't care about them as I maybe should, and that burden keeps being over my conscience. If I had done something, she might be better now. But, how could I know what was really threatening her? Bit by bit, however, I got to have a small idea of what she had, and it scared me to death. Alzheimer. That damn word.
First signs of alarm came one morning, a year ago, when we had just got up. Even now we're retired, we do like getting up soon, and go for a small walk after breakfast. But that day, as I went out of the shower, she looked at me as if I were a complete unknown. I went to her side, and doing a big effort kneeled down and tried to talk to her about the things we had planned to do that day. Her answer made me shiver: " At what time will you pick me, to go to the dance off? I don't wanna be late!" The dance off, our high school, our friends...all that was longtime gone. I hadn't thought of them for ages, and however, for Jan it was as it had happened the day before. Holding my tears and my fear to her, I got up and phoned our doctor, telling her what had happened. Her voice, so serious, wasn't reassuring at all, and I assumed what she had.
When we went back from the doctor's office, with a confirmed diagnosis, I phoned my children to tell them. Terry, our eldest daughter, is a policewoman in San Francisco. Jan and me weren't too happy with her decision, being a cop is always a dangerous job, and to be true, maybe if she had been a "he", we'd see things in a different way. But as time went by, seeing how glad she was being a cop, and how well respected she was, all our doubts vanished into thin air. She's a detective by now, and a pretty good one.
Our youngest, Scott, works as a Biology teacher, in Colorado. He's trying to come closer, but till now, he hasn't been lucky enough. That´s life, anyway. I guess you have to assume things as they come. I wish any of them were here, since I can't deal with this on my own, but they both have their own life away from home. I don't know if they'll understand what I'm going to do. Still, it's my decision... I can't bear any more seeing Jan declining so much and so fast, and I can't bear either being a single minute without her by my side. We've had a fine life, with our ups and downs, and our struggles and our happy moments, and when we got married we promised to each other being there, in good and bad moments. We've both stuck to that vow, and now more than ever, I'll be by her side. I'm not scared at all about this, what does scare me is thinking of how would my life be not having Jan around.
When we arrived back home, I put Jan to bed and went to the kitchen, to prepare the orange smoothie, her favourite, and added a box of the sleeping pills our doctor had prescribed us. Then, before giving one to her and drinking the other, I sat at the table and took a piece of paper and a ballpen.
"My dear Terry and Scott..."
