Disclaimer: I do not own Gilmore Girls and I do not make a profit from these writings, this is strictly to satisfy my slashy fantasies…
Rating: PG-13
Notes: This will be AU, no real spoilers. Set sometime after Dean and Rory break up and Jess and Rory get together. This is the first story in the Hidden Thoughts 'Verse.
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Sometimes I'll look at him and for a moment I forget that I hate him, I'll forget that he's my rival… for a moment it's just me looking at a boy who makes me want nothing more than to hold him in my arms and feel him body pressed against mine.
I know I shouldn't feel that way, that not only is he Rory's boyfriend he's a he and I shouldn't be thinking about him in that way, but I can't seem to care all that much. He's rude, trouble with a capital T, headed for juvie or worse, he's brash and stubborn with a potty mouth that would make a sailor blush… but he's also smart, funny, kind in a hidden sort of way, beautiful, loyal, headed for great things if he can get his head out of his ass…
My world was a small rockwellian picture filled with smiles and sunshine before him and I was content, if not happy. But he's everything I didn't know I'd ever want and he makes me feel frustrated and agitated, burning heat and longing, hopeful and optimistic. I long for what he presence in my life promises and I'm afraid of what that means…
Before him I never would have considered that I was attracted to men, I had Rory and she was everything I would have ever wanted. She's the type of person I always thought I wanted and now she's not only not mine, but his and I don't want her, but him… The thought makes me want to laugh and cry because neither one is an option and wouldn't ever be.
I want to hate him for making me feel this way, I want to beat the crap out of him again for putting these thoughts in my head, but what use is it? Having to see his beautiful face marred with bruises I put there makes me cringe at the thought and I know the second after I did it I would regret it.
So I sit back and ignore my feelings, ignore my pain and longing as I watch him with her. Everyone thinks I am watching her, longing for her, but inside I laugh because they have no idea what I really want. Would they shrink back at the knowledge that I'm a fairy, that I want his body underneath mine, want to hold him and kiss his pouted lips? Would they laugh if I said I thought he was beautiful and perfect? Would he?
He'd probably laugh in my face and call me everything under the sun… queer, fairy, fag… he'd probably kick the crap out of me for ever thinking of him in that way and I can't really blame him for it. I would have done the same thing before him, now thinking of his reaction just makes me depressed and withdrawn because really how could I expect him to react any differently… he's my rival after all?
