Pull Me Back

Prologue

The thin scrap of yellow fabric around my neck had suddenly become heavy and suffocating. I slid a finger under the knot and pulled it gently away from my throat so I could get more air, but I was still feeling breathless.

What have I done?

I hardly noticed the rain falling in thick sheets on the streets of Ikebukuro as I slipped unnoticed into an empty side street. Other people were dashing onto the sidewalks searching for a dry place to wait out the rain, using newspapers, handbags, whatever they could find to cover their heads. But I couldn't be bothered with the rain even as it soaked me through, gluing my hair to my face and my clothes to my body. Not when I had other things on my mind.

What have I done?

I had been teetering on the edge when she appeared. She had grabbed me and refused to let me go, holding me back. And what had I done? I had pushed her away and let myself plummet into darkness.

I could have stopped. Why hadn't I stopped?

She had already been through so much and then I had to go and hurt her more. Making her worry about me, and eventually betraying her trust and lying to her.

I only wanted to protect her, but it seems I only made it worse.

What have I done?

I had found myself on a street that always seemed to be empty this late at night. There were only a few stragglers hanging out on the sidewalks. They didn't bother me and I didn't bother them. I just kept walking.

I stared at the angry reflections of the bright neon signs on the slick road as I walked over them. There were so many of them, glaring from shop windows. They were blinding. I kept my eyes on the ground, watching my shoes slap against the black tar through the driving rain.

There were less and less lights the further I walked, and when I finally looked up I noticed for the first time that the street truly was empty. And I was alone.

I stopped and stood there, right in the middle of the street. I just stood there.

Slowly I turned my face to sky, feeling the cool raindrops hit my face. Through the rain I could just make out the stars in between storm clouds, winking down at me, and the large round moon, pale and lonely. The rain hadn't let up at all. It just came down, rushing past me. My ears were filled with sound.

Was it always so loud? The breaking of a heart? Of two hearts?

It sounded like thunder and rushing winds and the barely audible tinkling of shattered glass.

I hadn't realized I had been crying until I tasted salt in my mouth. My tears mixed with the rain and slid silently down my face.

What have I done?

I reached up with shaking fingers, and grabbed hold of an end of my scarf. With as much force as I could muster, I angrily yanked the scarf from my neck. I let it hang limply by my side, my grip going slack, still staring at the heavens. "Damn it all," I whispered.

The scarf slipped out of my fingers and fluttered silently to the cold, wet ground where it laid there like a yellow stain. Or a scar.

I let my anger build, let all of my self-hatred condense inside my chest. And then I set it free. "DAMN IT ALL!" I screamed at the sky, at the rain, at myself. At nothing. Instantly the fiery anger left me and I felt weak.

What had I done? I had ruined my only chance at living a happy, peaceful life.