Lúthien
When I left Menegroth I knew I was going to return triumphant. With my head held high, Beren at my side holding my hand, and in his other, the silmaril. I wanted to walk up to the throne and look into my fathers wide eyes, to prove that Beren and I were meant to be. His attempt to send Beren to his death, for my bride price would not be the end of us. I knew we would succeed, we had to, after all, I did love him.
Love wasn't enough. Love wasn't strong enough, Love could not defeat the enemy. Although we managed to wound him, it still wasn't enough.
I played right into my fathers trap it seems. He wanted Beren dead. He got his wish.
My stomach knotted, and the taste of nausea flooded my mouth. I feel like I'm going to be sick.
I take a moment to compose myself before the doors open to the throne room. Moving the saliva in my mouth and forcing myself to swallow so that nothing could come up. My hand went to my stomach, as I pretend to brush off dirt on my travel dress. Just a little longer.
I could feel the eyes of the guards on me. No doubt they had a lot of questions just like everyone else.
"Are you ready my lady?"
I tilted my head slightly indicated he can open the doors. The grand oak doors swung open as my name was announced.
A hush fell over the people in the throne room. The only sound was my boots on the floor. I could feel everyone's stare as my skin tingled with so many pairs on me. I puffed out my chest, with my shoulders rolled back and head held high.
I have to show that returning empty handed, and without Beren didn't bother me. I have to show that I am indifferent, if I broke now, then my father had truly won, and I do not want to give him the satisfaction of celebrating the loss of someone I cared about.
I'm a few feet away, my fathers eyes are soft, yet his mouth shows pride in the slight turn of his lips. My mother, sits straight and tall, her eyes sharp as ever as they pierce through me. As I look into her eyes for a brief moment, I feel more vulnerable than the random of pairs of eyes on my back. Already I feel as though my secrets are exposed, mother doesn't miss anything.
As I step closer, my father stands his arms already open wide for me to walk into, which I calmly do. His big arms squeeze me, as my head lies on his chest. "I have missed you daughter," he whispers in my ear.
He pulls me back, and I fight to smile at him, "I missed you as well father." His eyes light up as he is happy with my response. There is no talk of Beren, no doubt my father already received the news.
My father gently guides me with his hand to my mother who is standing next to him. I embrace her as my father makes his announcement.
"My daughter is home and well. Let us celebrate her return." My father was met with applause and cheers.
Celebrate? At a time like this? I bite my lip to keep them from trembling. I have traveled far, and am weary, celebrating is the last thing on my mind.
The people cheer. As if it was planned servants with trays of wine enter the room, and start to hand out glasses of the red liquid. I watch silently, stilling myself to not shake my head in dismay. Was no one going to talk about how brave Beren was for fighting the impossible?
My mothers whose arms is around my shoulders gives them a comforting rub. I glace at her eyes, and there is nothing but sympathy and comfort. She gives me a little smile, and I try to return it, but it is gone too soon. I lean my head on her shoulder wishing I was somewhere else.
My father turns back to us, and wraps his one long arm across my mother as he guides us out of the throne, for which I am grateful for.
My father leads us to our family room, where my extended family gathers. I am sure they will be here soon. I pick the end of the couch and plop down pulling one of the pillows across my middle.
"There is so much we need to catch up on," my father says as he pours three glasses of his personal wine.
"Let her rest first." My voice is mother's light and stern, as she gives a look at my father as she accepts her cup.
My father sits down after I wave my wine away.
"Of course, I am just anxious to know the details." My father takes a sip and leans back on the couch crossing his feet. "I'm sure Finrod will have no trouble if I asked him, but his letters have been vague as of late." My father settled down in his chair before he spoke again, "So Lúthien—"
"Lúthien you're back!" a small elfling ran into my lap. Like a ray of sunlight washing away the darkness, and for a moment I forget about father's prying and Beren's loss.
"Thranduil, my little darling," I wrap my arms around him giving him a much needed squeeze. When we release I see his big bright smile and his sweet blue eyes. "Look at you. I think you've grown more since the last time I saw you." I pat down Thranduil's golden hair as he puffs his chest out.
"Of course I grew. I'm almost as tall as Nimloth."
"You wish, you barley reach my knee's still" I turn my gaze from Thranduil to a tall graceful figure with long white hair. She pours herself a glass of my fathers wine and takes a sip.
"It's really good to see you again Lúthien." She lifts her glass a little as a toast and sits down next to me.
"It's good to see you too Nimloth." She takes another sip of her glass. I turn my gaze back to the entrance where I see my uncle, aunt, their children, and my other cousins and their spouses. My smile starts to grow as I look at all the familiar faces, "its good to see everyone."
With the wine served, and a handful of relative sharing their relief at my return, everyone was at their respective places around our casual family room. Light chatter filtered through the room, I listened intently to my relatives that sat near me who would eventually rotate to another spot. Nimloth and Thranduil were the only two who sat on the floor close to me with their playful banter.
Thranduil and Nimloth were the youngest so far in the family, despite their 80 year age gap, they get along like perfect siblings instead of cousins. Thranduil speaks of his exploration in the woods and Nimloth speaks about her time working with the healers. Its surprising to hear how much they have grown, and how time as passed; strange how a single year can change so much. Something stirred inside me, and my mind went back to all those months ago.
Of course much as changed in a year. This time last year I was imagining myself marrying Beren, and now… I close my eyes and shake my head, trying to get the thoughts of the past out. I have endured much pain. Pain I never felt before. I lost the one person I loved.
I run through many scenarios in my head of things I could have done differently. I love my parents, and I loved Beren. I was brave enough to run away from home to help him get the silmaril. So why not run away with Beren the moment my father refused our union. I could have left, and never came back, but I didn't, the truth is… I felt my teeth grind together. The truth is I'm just a co— I slapped my hand on the arm chair. I cant even bring myself to say it.
A bout of nausea hit my stomach. I leaned my head to the side twirling the wine I reluctantly accepted from my cousin Oropher. He insisted I participate in the celebrations since I am the elf of the hour. With all of his attempts to cheer me up I unfortunately wasn't in the celebrating mood. The wine didn't help matters. It is nowhere near my face, and yet the sharp pungent smell has travelled to my nose down my throat to my insides that churn in protest.
The nausea has been particularly bad today. Maybe it's just my nerves of being back home after being gone for a long time.
I feel the fatigue wash over me. My limbs have already sagged from sitting here. I feel a heaviness on my eyes as I fight the sweet taste of sleep. Sighing to myself I close my eyes rub my free had with my temple.
"Is everything well Lúthien?" I open my eyes to see my aunt sitting across from me. Her smile is gentle and her brown eyes shine with comfort.
She gets up from her spot and sits next to me, she gives me a comforting smile. I attempt to smile back, but I didn't feel like it was genuine.
"You must be tired, maybe you should rest." I tear my gaze from her and look around everyone was in their own groups talking having their own conversation. Even Nimloth and Thranduil have left my side.
"I don't think anyone will miss you, I'll make sure no one comes after you." My aunt give me a wink, and I feel my lips slightly turn up. I'm grateful for the escape.
Before I get up to leave, my eyes are drawn to my mother sitting a few distance from me. She is sitting with Celeborn and his wife. Galadriel is facing my mother, her lips moving, despite my mother not looking in her direction.
I feel my mothers piercing and familiar gaze. I could feel her mind gently probing my mine. I feel her concern and comfort. I don't bother giving her a reply, I just dip my head in farewell and silently stroll to the door to leave.
It isn't far to my rooms. Once I get in I kick off my shoes, and walk toward my bed, lying flat on my back.
I close my eyes and feel my weight sink into my bed as exhaustion finally takes over. I revel in the quiet and peace of my room. Unconsciously I stretch out my arm reaching for someone I know isn't there. I feel my eyes start to sting as tears gather at the end of my eyes.
My life with Beren is over, but that doesn't mean my life has to be over. I open my eyes feeling a strange mix of strength coming back to my body. Perhaps I didn't go about it the right way, but there is nothing that I regret. I place my hand on my stomach, feeling the tiny life pulse with energy. I smile at the feeling of this new life. After all if I hadn't made certain decisions I wouldn't have you. I slowly stroke my stomach.
"I promise I'm going to take good care of you, and maybe one day you can meet your father." I curl to one side whispering into the pillow as if my child's ear was right there.
"I'll tell you everything about him; his family and his great deeds, even his language. Others may not think well of him, but it is my wish that you see your father the way I see him."
I reach down to my pocket and brought out silk rich red cloth. I carefully unwrap the silk and my eyes are blinded by the brilliant light the jewel gives off. I feel my eyes shine with tears as I think about my husband. One day we will see each other again, then I can explain everything, I promise. I kiss the jewel, imaging my husbands face to be there. I tuck the silmaril back into the cloth and pressed it to my abdomen. The strong light pulsed with life just as strong as the child growing within me.
For the first time since I arrived at Menegorth I finally feel at home.
