She woke up the same way she had every morning for god knows how long. If she were to be honest with herself, the days of her confinement had long ago blended together, making it easy for her to lose track. She sat up slowly, stretching out to crick in her back in desperate hopes of gaining some relief from the pain, but no such luck. She stood straight, ready to start another day, another wasted twenty-four hours that could have been spent with her sons and beautiful grandchildren. Another day without freedom, without friendship, without love. Another day flushed down the drain like it was nothing.

She shoveled the slop she was served quickly down her throat, tortured by the memories of cooking her own meals. She once had power, purpose, a group of daughters whom she loved and protected with all her ability, but now… she had nothing, she had no one. Lost in her own pitiful thoughts, she hadn't realized someone was tapping on her shoulder. Turning around she was faced with a concerned looking Nicky Nichols. This was the girl she had seen so much potential in, so much of herself in. She would do anything for this girl, and she had, at great cost.

"Hey, I uhhh..I wanted to apologize for the way things have been goin down lately," she said, her eyes darting around the room nervously.

"It's alright, I understand," Red replied, curtly and cool toned.

"Listen…there's more to why I came over here. I uhhh…I heard a couple of the guards talking and…They were talking about Healy," she said, hesitantly taking a seat next to her.

"What about him?" Red asked, trying to conceal her curiosity. Was he coming to work at max? Would she get to see him again? Would he even want to look at her after everything?

"He's dead….he killed himself," Nicky said softly, but suddenly everything in Red's perceived reality had come to a halt.

Her breathing hitched, and then ceased all together. Her eyes filled with tears and her hands began to shake.

"Ma? I..I know you've known him for a while and the two of you had a friendship…kinda, but I just thought you should know. I thought I should tell you before you heard It from someone else," she said, seeing how visibly shaken Red was.

"Th...thank you for telling me, Nicky," Red stood up and walked quickly back to her cell, placing her tray over by the trash can before she left.

"Ma…ma wait where are you goin?" Nicky said, confused by Red's extreme reaction.

Red sat down in her bunk, turned towards the wall and held up a book to cover the tears streaming down her face. Moments, feelings, memories began flashing through her mind, as vividly as the seconds in which they had occurred.

When she'd try to help him solve his marital problems. But she had let her admiration for him shine through a little too much.

"This is what a good man looks like …He's handsome, and he's good, and at least he's fucking trying…"she yelled.

When she not only had to remind him of the consequences of their relationship, but herself.

"There is no such thing as a consensual relationship between an inmate and a guard..."

Their arguments, and how she'd hurt him, led him to believe she didn't care.

"You think this is a normal relationship? Human to human. I take advantage, you get your feelings hurt. You forget that when you leave here at night, you lock me in behind you,"

And her admission after Lorna's wedding. It wasn't a full outpour of her inner most feelings, but it told him that she had felt what he had, that it wasn't unrequited, but none the less nothing could ever come of it.

"So, you don't think there's someone out there you're meant to be with?" he asked.

"Of course I do. Everybody has a soulmate. But they're usually on the other side of the bars, or the wall, or the planet from you. That's the way the universe works," she said with a sad smile.

"You're not gonna be in prison forever. You've got a future to think about," he said seriously, looking deep into her eyes. He was practically begging her to hold on to hope for them, but she couldn't string him along. With a deep breath, and a carefully constructed metaphor, she told him what she believed to be true.

"Our ships passed too late in the night for one of them to change course, Sam,"

She couldn't tell him to wait, it wouldn't be fair. And she couldn't condone their behavior while they were within the power struggle between guard and inmate. She never imagined that he would be gone. Somewhere deep within her, she had in fact held on to hope. Some part of her thought she'd eventually navigate her ship towards his course, and that they could finally be together. Now that dream, like so many others, was lost.

She cleaned up her face before anyone saw and sat in the silence, choking back more tears, trying desperately not to think of why he did it, how he did it, and if she could've stopped him.