Just a little something I had to scribble down after last nights episode.
Holby City belongs to the BBC
Scrambled Eggs And Toast
To be honest the last few weeks have been a complete blur for me. Me pregnant? Jac Naylor. Even when I write it down and see it in black and white it just doesn't seem as if it can possibly be true. For years I shuddered at the mere thought of having a child. Why would I want a screaming puking brat? I have a home, a job I have chased and coveted. Other people have gone and got married and had children and been more than happy to put their careers on hold on a temporary or even permanent basis. Selflessness in order to give the kid the best start in life. That maternal instinct that most women seem to possess. Well my own 'mother' had none of those qualities and I have paid a very heavy price for her ineptitude as a parent.
I promised myself from my early teenage years that having children was never going to be an option. I convinced myself that motherhood was not for me. I saw too many children being shuffled out of care homes and moved on to other institutions by faceless people who I can't even remember. I hated relying on strangers I couldn't forge meaningful friendships with people because once my mother deserted me, so did my trust in anyone. Even now getting to know someone well enough to trust them, for me is an exceedingly hard thing for me to do. I can almost certainly count the people I can rely on, on one hand. Sacha, Michael, Joseph? Jonny? There are question marks over the last two men. Ironic that they have been the only ones that have dragged the dreaded 'L' word from my lips. Joseph sacrificed our relationship for Harry. I understand the choice he made as much as it hurt at the time. His sense of loyalty, duty, and unconditional unwavering love for his son was something even I admired and I told him so on the day he left.
Jonny, the man whom I don't know much about. He brings me out of myself, he's the jovial kind hearted idiot that a lot of the time I'd like to punch! He's good with people and makes them feel comfortable. He's an affable guy who sees the best in people. Even me when I push and belittle him, and act like I would rather be on a another planet than be anywhere near him. Sometimes I think why do I bother he doesn't get me, he probably never will. Like the day he yelled 'who would want a baby with you anyway? It would be like having one with the anti Christ!' And yet he still tries so hard to do the right thing by me. Despite the fact I can give him hell, he's there for me.
The biggest and deepest fear I have, is what if I don't have the mothering instinct inside me? It's such a massive lifelong commitment being a parent I more than most knows what it means to crave that feeling of being wanted by someone and not having it. I couldn't stand making those same mistakes. Sacha told me, 'you've got it.' How I wish I knew for sure. The scan of that tiny grainy image stirred emotions which scared me as well as thrilled me. That blob has my DNA and is part of me. This little sproglet is my child. I give my stomach a gentle pat.
Damn, I'm crying again! This is nuts my hormones are up and down like a roller-coaster. Not to mention the constant food cravings. Instead of anchovies and chocolate, this time it's just plain scrambled eggs and toast.
